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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I still go on a date with this guy?

114 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 22:54

So I met him through OD (which I'm not a big fan of but I don't plan to be single forever so I thought I may as well check it out). To my surprise, I met someone who seemed lovely, intelligent and single. We texted for a bit then spoke on the phone few times. He also added me on fb.

We set a night to meet but an emergency came up and he had to cancel. I wasn't bothered as we'd barely started chatting by that point.

We re-arranged for the following week when he was going to be working near me. He said he'd probably be free by x time and we made plans. Fast forward to the actual day and he just never contacts me. I got a very apologetic text that evening saying that the day had run away with him. I vaguely wondered why it was that we couldn't meet later but didn't really feel that I could ask.

He's always seemed very keen to meet me, compliments me, etc. and I didn't doubt that he was as keen to meet as I was. We haven't got very in-depth or anything, just agreed that we got on and would like to meet.

So after two cancelled dates he asked when I was free and I told him. He then asked about another couple of days without acknowledging what I'd said. I said no, sorry and he proceeded to ask about a few other nights, still not explaining why he couldn't do the night or day I'd suggested (Saturday night and Sunday). I was mildly aggrieved that he hadn't offered to come and see me at a weekend when I know for a fact he doesn't work at the weekend and had cancelled on me twice before. He just stayed silent about it. After I said that it was a shame he couldn't make it because I was free, he said that if he could move a sporting match on the Sunday he would be able to make it down for Saturday evening. He was able to move the match and now starts the odd bit. He doesn't live nearby so he said "Do you have a spare room because I will need to stay down there?" I was very taken aback and basically replied and said well, yes, but you can't really stay here (gave an excuse). He pushed to be allowed to stay and when it became clear that I wasn't going to give way he suddenly backed off and wouldn't commit and eventually said that he wasn't coming because 'it was all too difficult'. I knew this was coming so wasn't that upset, but I did care. At that point I knew in myself that I resented him not making me more of a priority and that I wouldn't now actually want to meet him.

Am I being really stupid about someone I've never even met? Or am I justified in thinking that I should have been more of a priority for him?

I basically think that he either has sex guaranteed elsewhere or when I refused to allow him to stay he thought we wouldn't be sleeping together and so couldn't be bothered. Seriously - who would allow someone that they've never even met to STAY in their house?! I'd also made it clear over the texts that I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with him straight away. He wasn't pushing or anything but the subject came up and I made my position clear.

He still wants to see me but hasn't actually suggested a day. I get the feeling that he's playing it by ear. Am I really overreacting or would others be mildly offended too???

OP posts:
lodgerstressohno · 16/09/2014 12:32

I had a very similar date with someone who seemed v keen and then kept finding reasons he couldn't meet up,or he agreed to meet on x day, didn't confirm, that day would come and go and then he'd have some excuse he was busy and hadn't got round to texting.

God knows why, I met him. It was similar to you, 'I have nothing to lose, am curious as to what he's like, etc. etc.' Bearing in mind he seemed lovely in all other ways and I thought he had seemed so right for me at first. Big, huge, mistake. DON'T DO IT!!

It isn't worth it. Worst case scenario, you like him, he will just keep messing you about. He is showing you who he is, listen. My guy was really into me, I was v cautious but got sucked in. Cue weeks of him messing me around, blowing hot and cold. I thought he might be married, he wasn't he just wanted someone to shag, act out his (pretty grim) fetish, have me on the end of the phone when he wanted a wank. I wish to god I'd listened to my gut and just never met him. I knew it was a stupid idea, and it was. I got out of it pretty quick but I liked (the idea) of him enough that it hurt.

I have met someone 100 times better now, who things have been easy with from day 1. Really don't risk this guy, he is showing no regard for your feelings, you want better than that.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 12:44

But I'm curious.

What possible 'thing' can you be curious about?

If you are that curious about someone because that person showed you an iota of attention, and you can't just drop it even though you realise he was just after a shag...then perhaps you need to take down your online dating profiles and go on some sort of esteem course.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 12:45

p.s...there will be hundreds of men on there just looking for a shag. Are you really going to waste time, effort and expense on each one that pretends he is interested?

firesidechat · 16/09/2014 12:55

There's no helping some people.

firesidechat · 16/09/2014 12:57

What's the betting that we have a hilarious/dramatic/windy uppy description of this ill fated date.

Bant · 16/09/2014 13:01

Incidentally, I'm a bloke. I'm single. I do online dating.

At the moment I have two potential dates lined up, although not for a couple of weeks as I'm out of the country at the moment.

If I like someone enough to ask them for a date, then work doesn't 'get away with me'. If I've agreed a time and a place then I go.

I don't stand people up, if an urgent meeting comes up and I can't get out of it, then I'd message them, hugely apologetically, in advance, and arrange another time as soon as possible. I would expect her to probably tell me to piss off, because I tend to go for women with enough self respect to do that.

I wouldn't message someone who was so far away I'd need to stay over after a date - unless I wanted to pay for a hotel for myself, or I had something else organised. I wouldn't ask to stay at theirs.

If for some reason I had to cancel a date more than once, then if I was interested in the woman I would expect her to have lost all interest in me by now. And if she kept on being interested I'd start seeing her as being lonely and desperate for whatever crumbs I was able to drop her way. And I'd drop her because I don't want someone desperate.

You're really going to end up getting badly hurt by this guy, or someone else like him. No matter how witty and charming and attractive his profile is, he's treating you like shit. Why do you want to continue letting him?

Lacuna · 16/09/2014 13:14

Please have a bit more self-respect.

Is your own time and energy worth so little to you that you'd waste it on some bloke who clearly just gets a thrill out of yanking your chain? Bin him.

I'm not a smug married, btw. I did OLD for years, on and off, and men like this are ten a penny. Why would you give him the satisfaction of knowing he's intrigued you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/09/2014 13:19

"he wants to see how shit he can treat you and you still come back for more."
That was my feeling about his behaviour. And listen to lodgerstressohno - he's probably similar.

PlantsAndFlowers · 16/09/2014 13:29

What you're doing in meeting him is exactly the sort of thing a drama lama (that someone accused you upthread of being) would do.

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 13:36

Haven't they gone out to lunch now- thought the date was today?

handfulofcottonbuds · 16/09/2014 13:36

Bant's post of 13:01 is spot on.

Most men will have no respect for you if you keep making yourself available and jump at each contact they make because you're so keen.

There are plenty of other men online who won't mess you about like this and you could be missing out on them while you pin your hopes on this loser.

firesidechat · 16/09/2014 13:53

Haven't they gone out to lunch now- thought the date was today?

Perhaps it went well. Confused

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 14:00

I suspect we will never know

Granville72 · 16/09/2014 14:17

Out of respect for her and myself

Doesn't seem you have respect for either yourself or any other person involved.............Oh, and there will be someone else involved rest assured. Not very nice thing you are doing, how would you like it done to you and your family (I'm guessing he has a family, children, wife and all that)

Good luck in your curiosity.

daisychain01 · 16/09/2014 22:00

OP - I can understand why you'd want to meet him

I'm trying to think of one single reason why you'd want to meet an on-line time-waster .....

..... thinks ......

ummmm.....

nope, it beats me ......

Scarletohello · 16/09/2014 22:06

Terrible behaviour! Block, delete and move on.

And please read 'Why Men love Bitches'. Excellent advice for all women dating. ( it's not about being bitchy, it's about valuing yourself and not accepting sub standard behaviour from arsewipes like this guy). It should be required reading for all single women IMO.

HanselandGretel · 16/09/2014 22:48

Your self esteem seems to be absent OP. Also, adding a stranger from an OD site as FB friends, that's just reckless.

suchtwat · 16/09/2014 23:04

OP I can relate to you an awful lot I used to do online dating and at first I was all for giving people benefit of the doubt but after meeting a fair few "players" I became more wise.

Take time to talk to them for a while before meeting, Ive found the ones eager to meet are the ones just after a shag, if they like you enought they will wait till you build up a trust

DirtyOldTown · 17/09/2014 00:18

OP, I've read your previous threads on this site. It's only weeks since you apparently escaped a violent relationship. You're now talking about hooking up with a stranger who sounds untrustworthy, but you're 'curious'?
You have two daughters to protect. What are you teaching them about personal safety and boundaries?
I'm not victim blaming, but you sound like you are danger to yourself and your daughters.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/09/2014 01:48

Oh dear, if Dirtys post is in any way accurate, I think you're in trouble OP.

OP, if you've really been through an abusive relationship and just come out the other side... Then I'm worried about you. Your decision to pursue contact with this man, who is giving out really wrong signals, is a danger sign to yourself. Please look at what you are doing... Your protective instincts and perception of risk are really off.

You need to help yourself here. Stand back from forming any more harmful relationships. Step back from people who don't respect you. Don't run towards them, not out of 'curiosity' or anything else.

Think to yourself - why are you curious? Why are you drawn to him? Why are you actively trying to get him into your life? These are not healthy or normal things to be feeling. It's a sign you need to do some serious re-tuning of your emotional health and boundaries.

Sorry to get heavy, but your behaviour is concerning in the light of coming out of an abusive relationship. It's moved from silly shocking, to risky and unhealthy in one fell swoop.

DirtyOldTown · 17/09/2014 02:08

Miscellaneous - you can use the search bar for any previous posts/threads by username. The OP has posted a lot about her abusive relationship/s, it's up to the reader how skeptical to be about the timeframes not exactly being consistent!

SweetsForMySweet · 17/09/2014 02:09

He sounds like he's married or in a long term relationship and looking for some fun on the side. Steer clear

firesidechat · 17/09/2014 07:27

My sceptical gauge is sky high as it is.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 07:39

No need to be sceptical. Some women really do have so little regard for themselves they give men like this every chance to make fools of them. Sadly.

firesidechat · 17/09/2014 07:44

You're probably right Any.

As an onlooker it's easier to believe that some posters are stretching the truth slightly, than to think that there are people this desperate for a man, any man.

Sad and a bit depressing.

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