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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I still go on a date with this guy?

114 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 22:54

So I met him through OD (which I'm not a big fan of but I don't plan to be single forever so I thought I may as well check it out). To my surprise, I met someone who seemed lovely, intelligent and single. We texted for a bit then spoke on the phone few times. He also added me on fb.

We set a night to meet but an emergency came up and he had to cancel. I wasn't bothered as we'd barely started chatting by that point.

We re-arranged for the following week when he was going to be working near me. He said he'd probably be free by x time and we made plans. Fast forward to the actual day and he just never contacts me. I got a very apologetic text that evening saying that the day had run away with him. I vaguely wondered why it was that we couldn't meet later but didn't really feel that I could ask.

He's always seemed very keen to meet me, compliments me, etc. and I didn't doubt that he was as keen to meet as I was. We haven't got very in-depth or anything, just agreed that we got on and would like to meet.

So after two cancelled dates he asked when I was free and I told him. He then asked about another couple of days without acknowledging what I'd said. I said no, sorry and he proceeded to ask about a few other nights, still not explaining why he couldn't do the night or day I'd suggested (Saturday night and Sunday). I was mildly aggrieved that he hadn't offered to come and see me at a weekend when I know for a fact he doesn't work at the weekend and had cancelled on me twice before. He just stayed silent about it. After I said that it was a shame he couldn't make it because I was free, he said that if he could move a sporting match on the Sunday he would be able to make it down for Saturday evening. He was able to move the match and now starts the odd bit. He doesn't live nearby so he said "Do you have a spare room because I will need to stay down there?" I was very taken aback and basically replied and said well, yes, but you can't really stay here (gave an excuse). He pushed to be allowed to stay and when it became clear that I wasn't going to give way he suddenly backed off and wouldn't commit and eventually said that he wasn't coming because 'it was all too difficult'. I knew this was coming so wasn't that upset, but I did care. At that point I knew in myself that I resented him not making me more of a priority and that I wouldn't now actually want to meet him.

Am I being really stupid about someone I've never even met? Or am I justified in thinking that I should have been more of a priority for him?

I basically think that he either has sex guaranteed elsewhere or when I refused to allow him to stay he thought we wouldn't be sleeping together and so couldn't be bothered. Seriously - who would allow someone that they've never even met to STAY in their house?! I'd also made it clear over the texts that I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with him straight away. He wasn't pushing or anything but the subject came up and I made my position clear.

He still wants to see me but hasn't actually suggested a day. I get the feeling that he's playing it by ear. Am I really overreacting or would others be mildly offended too???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 08:20

Married

BeforeAndAfter · 15/09/2014 08:21

Sorry, forgot to answer your question... block him. It sounds like you're one of several sweets on the sweet trolley he's surveying and it sounds like he's just after sex. If you keep messaging you'll continue to build him up in your head so that he's like Mr Darcy but the reality is that when you meet he'll probably look like a potato, with no charisma, no spark and no personality. Sadly the messaging chemistry rarely translates to the real life meeting!

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 15/09/2014 09:02

Married!

iwantgin · 15/09/2014 09:05

No. Don't bother with this one OP.

I used OD (got a nice DH out of it, eventually!) and I had a few who were like this. Took me a while to get wise. Would arrange a date - and have to cancel at the last minute. Various excuses.

One cancellation I could understand, but not repeated incidents.

Move on - and find someone who actually is free to meet up, and wants to.

Ifem · 15/09/2014 09:05

He's dicked you around.
He has poor boundaries (pushing to stay at a stranger's house = weirdo).
He is creating difficulties where there none - and when you havent even met yet!

I would also lay money on him not being single.

Give him a massive swerve.

rainbowinmyroom · 15/09/2014 09:16

Block and move on. He's a creep.

kentishgirl · 15/09/2014 09:30

First thought - married.

Second thought (having done OD) - he quite likes you, but not all that much, is happy to chat and keep you dangling in case he ever finds himself at a loose end. Is also chatting to and going on dates with several other women and he's keeping his options open. Will cancel if he gets a 'better offer'.

Third thought - even if he isn't doing my first or second thoughts, he just isn't into you all that much. He was up for a night of sex, but nothing else.

Sorry.

I learned to drop the dicker arounders, the string out the chatting without meeting ones, the ones who say we must meet up but don't follow that up really quickly.

JustDontWantToSay · 15/09/2014 12:03

Thanks guys! I'm glad you're all unanimous :)

I really appreciate the feedback. Obviously I've decided it's a no-go as a relationship but part of me is tempted to meet him for coffee just to see what kind of a person he is?! Sheer curiosity!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 12:14

I wouldn't. There must be better ways to spend your time. De-hairballing the bath plughole ?

kinkyfuckery · 15/09/2014 12:17

Not read the whole thread but OP screamed "married" to me.

aylesburyduck · 15/09/2014 17:56

Bullet dodged I think!

I'm with any fucker... de gunk the bath plughole - it's bound to be more interesting than a date with a total nobber Grin

pinkfrocks · 15/09/2014 18:08

IME when I was single, marrieds were the ones who made last minute excuses or didn't show up.

Or the other option is he is keeping his options well and truly open- you are his standby in case he doesn't get a better offer. And all he wants is a shag.
Asking to stay over at your house when you haven't even met is breathtakingly crass.

Don't communicate with him any more.

squitchey · 15/09/2014 18:19

Asking a complete stranger, especially a female one, if you can stay at theirs the first time you meet is out of order, and just for that I'd be deleting him. (I've no problem with inviting someone back after a first date, I've done it myself, but was my choice, not him expecting it.)

hell2theno · 15/09/2014 19:07

As the phrase goes - he's just not that into you. This sort of endless drama isn't worth it.

NoImSpartacus · 15/09/2014 19:19

O M G

Sack him RIGHT off, OP. Cheeky, rude KNOBBER.

Hissy · 15/09/2014 19:58

you know what curiosity did, right?

daisychain01 · 15/09/2014 21:52

A text would be rather nice, saying:-

"Jog on"

JustDontWantToSay · 16/09/2014 06:55

Yes, BUT - I've nothing to lose and I'd be interested to work out if he is married, etc! He texted me yesterday and said when was I free this week and that he would drive down and see me. I was non committal and said bits and pieces, what were you thinking? He said 'next few days', I said well when you have firm plans let me know. He then said coffee or lunch tomorrow? (Today). I said 'sure' in the expectation of cancellation. No time or place arranged.

If he does show and if I am free and of a mind to go along - what things should I look for?! What else says "married"?? He's an interesting guy with an interesting background. I'm wondering if he maybe works away during the week and back to family at weekends???

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/09/2014 07:44

don't be such an ffing idiot! why would you waste petrol/busfare on a prick like him!?

where's your dignity? self respect?

you're still intrigued by a man that treats you like this? idiotic!

he wants to see how shit he can treat you and you still come back for more.

he doesn't deserve another minute of your time.

come on! be your own best friend here!

OldF0ssil · 16/09/2014 07:46

Married.... ?

Glossing over why he's unavailable at the weekend.

Bant · 16/09/2014 08:20

I'd recommend joining the Dating Thread too.

Something like 1/3 to 1/2 of men on online dating sites are married. There are various ways they give themselves away.
Not wanting to talk on the phone unless it's during the work day or very late at night. Rescheduling dates at the last minute. Wanting a quick bunk-up immediately. Saying they're separated but still having to co-habit with their STBXW.

In addition, he may be single, but he may be a 52 year old trucker from Plymouth called Jeff. You haven't seen him in person. Anyone can be funnier behind a keyboard.

Even if he is who he says he is, and he's single and not a catfish - who he says he is is a bit of a knob, to be honest. Rescheduling, assuming he'll stay at yours. Why would you want to meet a bloke who's proved himself to be a knob?

Block, delete, move on.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 16/09/2014 08:23

^you're still intrigued by a man that treats you like this?^ this from Hissy I really agree with!

The right thing for you is to stop now, not to carry on due to curiosity! He's already told you he doesn't respect you, and he's already shown you he has no boundaries, and it's highly doubtful that he's single... So no! Pandoras box tightly closed.

He'll be so intriguing that your guard will lower and it will be just one kiss, then just staying over, then then then, and before you know it you ve been sucked into a relationship of sorts with him, and will get hurt.

Talk about walking in with eyes wide shut!

Please don't Flowers

CuChullain · 16/09/2014 08:30

Dating is supposed to be fun, this does not sound like fun.

If he was that bothered or interested in you he would have made a bit more of an effort, would have made arrangements to suit the pair of you and stuck to them without letting you down at the last minute.

Also, no decent guy asks someone he has never met before if they can doss over at their house after a first date, sounds like he is engineering for ‘something to happen’ or is too tight to book the local Travelodge.

Bin. Remove from Facebook. Move on.

CuChullain · 16/09/2014 08:33

Bant

"Something like 1/3 to 1/2 of men on online dating sites are married"

Is that your opinion or fact? Not having a pop, just genuinely curious, never heard that state before, and this is coming from someone who tried online dating on and off for about 5 years before meeting the wife!

Bant · 16/09/2014 08:49

CuChullain - it's from a QI book ("1339 QI facts to make your jaw drop")

'More than one-third of men using dating sites are already married'

I haven't done the independent research myself, admittedly. But I think if it's from QI it's reliable enough to be posted on Mumsnet.