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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

343 replies

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 12/09/2014 16:34

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

OP posts:
mummyglitzer · 13/09/2014 16:16

OP have you spoken to your mum and given her the facts? I would absolutely keep quiet about your plans from now on. The fact that you are questioning your own sanity due to your partner's (sorry but I will not use DP, he doesn't appear very "darling") behaviour has also set alarm bells ringing for me. He may well have MH issues himself but his actions are down to him, not any MH problems he may or may not have.

I would use Woman's Aid as a first point of contact as others have suggested; they are bound to have legal advisers for free and not just the first 30 minutes. I very much doubt you could explain all of this in 30 minutes anyway.

mummyglitzer · 13/09/2014 16:19

Sorry but I also second what others have said re your partner being paid in dividends; as a percentage it is much less than a cash bonus. This absolutely has nothing to do with your money management skills and everything to do with him controlling you.

Darkesteyes · 13/09/2014 16:27

JESUS What an utter utter shitbag he is OP. Even before clicking on this thread i thought "financial abuse" But financial abuse does not seem to be a strong enough phrase to describe what he is doing.

Totally agree that this is a HOUSEHOLD debt of HIS making. Please give Womens Aid a ring. Hes a manipulative bastard.

Cinnamon73 · 13/09/2014 16:36

He is considering to buy a painting and tells you to get a secured loan.

I'm speechless.

LizLimone · 13/09/2014 16:36

Glad others pointed that out about the tax on dividends actually being lower - that occurred to me as well but it's been a few years since I lived in the UK so wasn't sure enough of my facts to post.

Your husband is a manipulative liar, OP. Don't for even one minute think that your debt and situation is not entirely planned and orchestrated by him to keep you vulnerable and unable to leave.

Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 13/09/2014 16:44

He gave me his cashcards to withdraw £100. I checked his balance on that, he has nearly 15k just in that account!!!!! I know he has others as well where the 'real' money is i reckon.

We have extended family here today so kids fine but he has drunk two bottles of wine so far whilst I was out.

OP posts:
Cinnamon73 · 13/09/2014 16:52

Oh dear, OP. I don't know what to suggest but I'm very surprised he gave you the card.
I'd be sorely tempted to get my hands on that money to clear half of the debt in one go.
Have you got written proof or taken a screen shot of the balance? If not, go back and get evidence. Or do it when he's passed out.

Darkesteyes · 13/09/2014 16:52

Have you got somewhere you and DC can go if he kicks off I DONT like the fact that hes downed two bottles of wine already.

He could be gearing up for another "incident" to "bring you back into line"

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2014 16:55

The 15K is the carrot. I don't want to know what the stick is but I suspect that it will be another episode. The wine means it's not 'his fault', right?

Original poster
Theboulderhascaughtupwithme · 13/09/2014 17:08

I don't think he will kick off, he has never been violent or anything like that. There won't be another episode with the kids because I don't leave him in sole charge anymore.

OP posts:
jamtoast12 · 13/09/2014 17:09

She can't just take his money though, whatever their situation, that would surely be theft!

rainbowinmyroom · 13/09/2014 17:10

He does something like that I would not hesitate to call the police.

Humansatnav · 13/09/2014 17:43

"Allowed" you to get a secured loan ??? Christ on a bike! No, its a household debt that the household can cover.
And he needs to cover the £250 shortfall AND build in a contingency fund.
But he won't, because he is an abuser.
If I where you I would let everyone know what he's doing. Twat.

PausingFlatly · 13/09/2014 17:55

You're seeing the solicitor later this week, yes?

Can you wait till you've seen before taking out the loan? Just to check the implications.

mummyglitzer · 13/09/2014 17:57

I wouldn't mention that you know about the amount of money in his account. I wouldn't put it past him to have placed that there deliberately, expecting you to bring it up and then use it against you (God knows how but someone like him definitely would).

I would also refuse to take a out a loan to cover the debts; the household income is more than enough to cover repayments and it sounds like he has more than enough cash to wipe them out completely. His failure to respond to it in a responsible manner just stinks and that he drank two bottles of wine in such a short period of time, when you weren't there suggests to me that he knows exactly what he is doing; should he decide to do what he before again, he WILL throw it back on you, I would bet my life on it.

Greengrow · 13/09/2014 18:09

We always just had joint accounts and shared everything. Mind you I earned 10x what he did.
In law in England husbands and wives have a legal duty financially to support each other in the marriage. Once you are divorced then different rights apply although along the same lines.

If finances are kept separately however then you cannot necessarily take money or goods of the other without their consent.

Darkesteyes · 13/09/2014 18:14

Did you share everything proportionally Greengrow or was it 50/50

ouryve · 13/09/2014 18:23

2 bottles of wine is pretty extreme. DH is falling asleep on half a bottle.

And, as I mentioned upthread, whilst he might not hit you or the kids, he already has form for dramatic gestures and, given recent conversations, there's a very real risk that he could try that again. With the kids in the house, again. Just to keep you on your toes, like.

clam · 13/09/2014 18:40

I hope you got a balance statement when you were at the cashpoint!

jamtoast12 · 13/09/2014 19:34

I don't think his balance matters tbh. They are not married and have separate finances, legally it's up to him what he does with his savings I would have thought. Whilst he be forced to give her more cash etc from now on, I don't believe he'd be made to clear her debt.

Greengrow · 13/09/2014 19:47

The question to me... we were one of those total sharing marriages. So every penny of our salaries went into one joint account. Every savings account in joint names. Everything regarded as ours jointly. My parents and his parents were exactly the same. I would not do that if I ever remarried at an older age but if you get together at university or just after when you both earn about the same it certainly works for many people who expect to be married for life and share everything.

The reason it worked was we are both careful with money. So when other people our age might spend a fortune on a car or baby buggy we would get a second hand one and save the money to repay a bit of the mortgage. All savings were in joint names. Then as I started to earn quite a bit more we just carried on. If both people in a couple are high spenders or both normal or both ultra mean then it is not a problem. The issues come when people are not compatible - perhaps something to check before you get too involved with new partners as it causes no end of problems when two people are very different over money. We both came from families who were sensible, saved, had no credit card debt, had pensions, lived within means, rarely bought clothes or ate out etc. I did both our tax returns (I had won tax prizes at university), we both had total access to each other's documents, happy to open each other's post. Some couples are not like that and things are kept secret which I regard as weird as my family were never like that but is the norm for some.

magoria · 13/09/2014 19:53

A secured loan is not the answer.

It doesn't resolve the issue of you pouring in all you have plus extra you don't have to pay for this man's wants while he puts £££ into pensions and savings accounts. Which as you are not married belong to him not you.

Every time you buy those 2 bottles of wine he has drunk it costs you money you don't have. He gets 2 free bottles of wine and can still put their cost into his savings.

LIZS · 13/09/2014 19:58

A loan secured against what , the house, with interest ? Which presumably will then be paid off when you sell. He is being ridiculous if he has the assets to clear it.

Fairylea · 13/09/2014 19:58

I am not understanding the whole secured loan thing either. Surely if he is sitting there with 5k in the account that 5k should be used towards the debt together with any other money he has floating about. Then - and only then - should the remaining debt if there is any be paid off. But only alongside the sorting of finances in the way that you both have the same spending money after all bills are paid. It is ridiculous that he has 5k sitting in his account while you have nothing and are in debt.

Having said all that though, you are still flogging a dead horse because he is unstable, emotionally abusive and you cannot even trust him to look after his own children. All the joint budgeting in the world cannot resolve the huge multiple elephants in the room.

pinkfrocks · 13/09/2014 20:09

Greengrow you are not unusual- my marriage is the same financially.
We pool almost everything. Our earnings go into our joint account and everything is paid out of that. We trust each other not to be silly with money.
We owe nothing apart from our mortgage.

We each have our own savings accounts to take advantage of ISAs and DH has shares through his employment. I have an account for my business where I save for my tax bill.

OP Reason for telling you this is to show you how terrible your own situation is.

If your DP can drink 2 bottles of wine so quickly and still be 'functioning' I'd be wondering if he had a drink problem, on top of everything else.

You need to leave this relationship.