Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Ongoldenpond is indeed correct: income tax on £150k would be much higher than dividend tax on the same amount. You're being systematically both emotionally and financially abused, evidently over a number of years. You say there are problems in your relationship. You're clearly acting as underpaid nanny and general skivvy for this man, while he advances his career at your expense.

What does he bring to your relationship? I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want this for the rest of your life. My husband earns several times what I do, I don't earn a pittance either and we have no children, but every penny he earns he considers as ours, not his alone. This is how it works in real relationships. Separate finances are rare, and only work when BOTH parties are in agreement and happy and financially secure in their arrangement. Things have gone very very wrong for you. PLEASE make plans to leave this awful man, and apply for maintenance. See the debt management thread on the money forum, it's full of helpful information.

Dividend tax is 25% on the amount paid into your bank account, for higher rate tax payers.

that's the first thing i thought when I read the op-the dividend isn't heavily taxed. after you receive dividend payments of £32,000 ish can't remember the exact figure...you pay 25% tax. the first bit is tax free...
he could technically pay himself £1 but he'd still receive the dividend as income so he's talking crap.
on that amount of money you should not be in debt, I think you need to speak to a solicitor.

Wow. He really is laying it on thick, isn't he? I hope you treated those comments with the most withering look of disdain you could muster. He's not worth wasting words on.

Do you know why he split with his ex, btw? I'm wondering if there's a pattern here.

Until you manage to get shot of him, get back to shopping in Aldi. If he wants fillet steak and organic unicorn milk, he can buy it himself.

I read the thread and was going to post similiar to OnGoldenPond

I felt I was being harsh after your OP but subsequent posts have only confirmed my initial thoughts.

He is lying to you with the information he has deigned to share with you so I imagine he is secretive for spurious reasons too.

I would start collecting information and personal documents whilst making an escape plan.

I'm not normally a LTB type of poster but I have lived through your situation with far less money involved and it won't get better until you have separated imo.

Fwiw my debts became so much more manageable somehow after the split and even though I am still paying off some of it, same as yours, built up by treading on eggshells round a financially abusive arsehole, I don't regret it at all.

Until you manage to get shot of him, get back to shopping in Aldi. If he wants fillet steak and organic unicorn milk, he can buy it himself

Definitely!

I'm also suspicious of his mental health issues. I'm bipolar and it isn't (in my experience) a special selective condition which flares up when my partner does something I don't like. I am also very concerned, if he has received this diagnosis, that he isn't getting help for it.

Bipolar episodes which lead to suicide attempts and SS being involved are a big deal. He should be seeing a pdoc, probably taking meds and ideally seeing a therapist as well (on £150k he can afford private therapy if the NHS waiting list is too long). Not doing any of this is not on. If I refused to take my meds or endangered DC then my DH would leave. I know he loves me to bits and has always been super supportive but that's the deal we've always had and it's a totally fair one. Your DH is not behaving responsibly with his MH issues and you shouldn't be having to suffer as a result.

Sorry! DP not DH. But you know what I mean.

Owl I am really sorry you are living with bipolar, it's a really really difficult condition. I do have an awful lot of time and sympathy for people who are suffering mental illness, but as you rightly say, how can t be that DP's condition only really shows itself when he has to deal with something he doesn't like or angers him. I get that's stress can be a trigger but he has a lot of stress in his job but manages to remain on a relatively even keel.

You are right he has more than adequate resources to seek private help but he would never ever prioritise that over other stuff. For example he is now looking at buying a commissioned painting s a present to himself as he says he deserves it!!!!! Arrrgghhh!

Is the OP aware that Womens Aid have access to legal advisors and that seeing a solicitor separately for their free half hour may not be necessary?

If there was no Deed of Trust drawn up when the property was bought the substantial deposit he put down will not be ring-fenced. It will be 50% hers if it becomes necessary to force a sale.

I'd get in touch with StepChange as a matter of urgency. There is a way of getting the creditors to freeze the interest and minimum payments to be made until the OP is in a position to pay down the debt. There is a world of difference between battling on alone and having a formal arrangement in place, be that a Debt Management Plan, and IVA or bankruptcy. Bankruptcy is a long, long way off when there's equity in the property. The creditors could choose to put a charge on the property to secure their interests and then the OP could stop paying her creditors altogether.

In an ideal world the OP's partner would pay off that thirty grand from savings but given what's been disclosed that's unlikely to happen.

Well the painting shows you exactly where his priorities lie. It isn't your children, and it isn't you, and it isn't meeting his own financial responsibilities.

He's talking about this to reinforce to you exactly how much control he had over finances, and how he expects to lord it over you while you act as his domestic servant. He deserves commissioned artwork, while your children don't deserve trousers.

I'm sorry, but he sounds utterly beyond redemption.

During our 'discussion' this morning I told him that I was sick of living like this and that he had left me no choice but to seek legal advice and start the prices of selling the house.

The deposit was 75% of hone value of the house and it is not ring fenced. However, he has form for fighting it our via solicitors to get back his assets. He did this with his ex fiancé, basically said because he had put all the money in she should not get a penny even tho she owned it half and half under law.

Anyhow, he is now saying that I am 'allowed' to seek a secured loan which, having researched it a bit would be much much more manageable, cutting my debt payments by half if not more. I have also told him I plan to increase my hours at work and that he will have to re-structure his working week to facilitate this.

This did not go down well and he is now saying he will 'sell up and live on the streets as he is sick of it all'. Fine by me!!

If he is bipolar is there any chance at all he's having a hypomanic or manic episode at present? I mean, I think it's very likely he's just being a prick, but buying a commissioned painting while his partner and the mother of his children is struggling massively with money vaguely strikes a chord. Uncontrolled or totally crazy spending is a symptom. The hoovering thing sounds very slightly odd to me as well - when I'm manic I'm both irritable and I can compulsively tidy. Is he sleeping normally?

I could well be wrong and he might just be an arse. I also emphasize that if he is unwell I don't consider that to be an excuse for years of financial abuse and if he isn't trying to manage his MH issues then I think he should be held partly responsible for getting in this state.

Don't take any financial advice from this man- get professional advice before you discuss it further with him.

It's not your debt. It's household debt. The household is in debt because only one partner is contributing fairly to the household.

Tread very very carefully around this man.

Owl- you could well be right- but as you say, if his behaviour is a result of his bipolar disorder then he has to manage his condition. He refuses to take any action, or even acknowledge it.

Owl, one things that leads me to doubt my own sanity is that I work in mental health myself (!) and yet I honestly don't know if he is 'really' bipolar.

He has quite strong OCD traits and as on meds for a long time before and shortly after we met so the hoovering thing is 'normal' it's just I would normally do it on my 'days off'. It really gets to him if the house isn't slick and span when he gets home and he also does stuff like hoovering to reduce his stress levels.

He is generally very very controlled re spending ( his own that is!!) and considers the art work an investment so don think he is having a hypomania episode.

Oh, I absolutely think that if he is refusing to take responsibility for or manage his condition then he needs to be held accountable for it. With his resources he has no excuse for not dealing and he owes it to the OP and their children.

The OP's comment just got my spidey sense tingling.

Don't discuss your plans with him. He will bullshit and bully you - it's important to realize that this man is not your partner but your enemy. He means you harm. All his behaviour has been about controlling you and crushing your spirit.
Has there been any physical violence towards you or the children? If so, is it on record (eg police having to be called because of his aggressive behaviour)?

You will absolutely know him best, OP. And certainly, a lot of what you say about him doesn't necessarily tally with bipolar.

It all tallies with him being a lousy father and partner though.

Owl - I think you're spot on. Boulder, please don't allow the bipolar diagnosis to to stop taking action to protect the children and yourself. You have to put them first, because he won't.

SGB- I wondered the same, but I would have thought that SS would have intervened more firmly if there was violence as well as the apparent suicide attempt while he had sole care of the children?

Boulder, him being controlled with spending means that his own children risk going without essentials now while he invests for his own future. Do you agree with him that what he earns is his money to spend as he likes, while you drown in debt paying for him and the family to live?

The thing that struck me as I've read your posts is how he ups the ante whenever you try and do something for you.
After the conversation you have just relayed to us please be careful.

Suicide attempts of the kind that you have described are one of the ultimate forms of domestic abuse (assuming that it is not his bipolar responsible which you are not sure about)

If he is bipolar you cannot help him if he will not get help.
If he is not acting like that because of his condition then telling him that you want to
to sell will threaten him with losing control of you.

I don't want to dramatise but please take care.

one things that leads me to doubt my own sanity is that I work in mental health myself (!) and yet I honestly don't know if he is 'really' bipolar You work in MH which means you know how frequently things are misdiagnosed (particularly if the patient has an agenda) and comorbid.

Boulder, your situation is so like mine I couldn't sleep last night. We live in a lovely house (so nice strangers ask if we will sell it), are buying a holiday home which will end up being like something from House and Garden. DH has loads of horses and race horses yet I have to literally beg for any housekeeping (no chance of being allowed any clothes etc). He has an asset which should be in joint names but isn't and this generates a large six figure income (I know as I do the invoicing) of which he keeps total control.

I've been meaning to post for ages but thought as I appear to have so much I'd get short shrift, but like you I'm in debt. Up to nine years ago I worked full time and paid the mortgage, all living costs, nanny etc, but the company closed and finding childcare for 4 children was not easy. I could have continued working but it would have meant travelling for 5-6 months of the year which I wasn't prepared to do.

TBH I often wonder just how I managed to get into such a ghastly situation, but at least my H can be left with the children. I second your seeing a solicitor, the one I saw was excellent, and gave me far more than half-an-hour free.

so what is happening now Imarried in your situation?

Just come back and seen it's not the budget folk you need at all.

Everyone has said it all much better than me, so I'll just offer more and good wishes.