H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

Are you scared for your own safety thelineiswhere? What hold he has got on you for you not to walk away?!?

Next time it might be more than a head butt.

Perhaps, he'll punch him or hit him with something.
Or kill him.
Or your younger child.
Or you, while they watch.

GET HIM OUT.

Your children will copy him you know, he's their Father.
This is how they will learn to interact with people.

This man is drink-driving and violent to his kids. It sounds like this is a fairly regular occurrence too, the former at least. I wonder how abusive he is in other ways too?

I think he has to go, really. After a few days' gap I imagine this would go to being a 101 call now. Perhaps a call to Women's Aid might clarify too.

I hope you're ok OP and that your son is too. Never too late for a check up - head injuries can be deceptively invisible ... watch for headaches and dizziness ...

Way way over the line OP.

meant to say not just drunk and violent but provocatively so too ... directing such energy towards his children is sick and nasty ...

I hope the OP comes back and I hope people can be supportive to her.

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her h is violent to her and her teen son. She is trying to leave, she's trying to make him leave but its hard. She has nowhere to go and is on a council waiting list and trying to kick someone out who's violent and refuses to leave when they're legally allowed to stay is impossible.

Yes there's a refuge but women worry about uprooting their kids, etc and convince themselves it won't happen again, etc.

OP, yes he's crossed a line. And the chances are he'll do it again. Have you got support, friends in real life you can talk to about this?

Scaring the OP isn't helpful.

Her children won't 'be taken off her'

She will get support she needs

Her children will get the support they need

If this is left and it comes out later, then that is a different story but the police and SS are very sensitive to DV these days.

OP, you are not alone, please, please report this. You can do this, for your children's sake, be strong!

You think there is doubt that he crossed a line?

If he had headbutted you what would you be doing right now?

If he had headbutted his GP, or his boss, or someone in a shop, where do you think he would be right now?

Why do you think your son deserves less than any other person just because this man is his father?

For crying out loud, a child should be SAFEST in the hands of their parent, not at most risk. Don't you see that?

I realise you are shocked, and I am really sorry, and I know the last thing you need right now is a bunch of strangers giving you a lecture, but you know that headbutting your child is unforgivable. You know you do.

Hi, can we remind everyone of the Talk Guidelines, please?

You need to protect the children, whether you ring the police or not. Yiu need to be proactive here, he has seriously hurt your child.

Please OP, call the police. You and the children need to get away from this person right now. It is not in anyone's interest to stay there.

I'm sorry for the flaming you are getting here. I believe, like many of the posters here, that you are conditioned to violence and are finding it hard to distinguish between what is normal and what is not.

But the fact that you've posted means that you are verging towards 'not normal' and that is good. It's a step closer to getting the help that you and the children need.

Best of luck xx

Bloody hell, this is the worst OP I've seen on here for some time. Love, I know it must be hard to face up to this, and I can only imagine what subtle escalation and head fucking has gone on before for you to be so unsure of what is 'normal' right now, but for your kids sake you have to act. This will come out, your kid will tell someone and they will instantly report it. Because it is so very bad. You and your children are worth so much more than this.

My dad did this to my 14 yr old sister. He was an alcoholic. My mum just watched. She was quite abusive too thinking about it. She slapped us and threw hairbrushes at us! I called the police, and they referred us to social services. My parents completely denied it and the case was closed.

Please do SOMETHING. Your children need you.

Wow, no wonder the OP hasn't come back.

She is clearly in an abusive relationship and needs support, not condemnation, blame, or to be told that she'll lose her kids.

Mumsnet at its finest......naaaat!

Oh my god. I feel sick. You don't even know if this is over the line?

I expect the OP has backed away slowly from this thread.

Not exactly supportive is it. If you are still reading OP, ring Womens Aid.

There will be a day one day when yr children blame you for not taking them away , it prob wint come until they are older but I promise you it will! You have a responsibility to protect them and listening to his behaviour previously you are failing in that . I am the product of a father just like that but my anger lies with my mum, she should hv got us out . We have a very poor relationship now where me and her grandchildren hardly see her , she's still with him !!!!

People's concern here, quite rightly, is for the children

Op is probably collateral damage right enough, but she had a choice here

The children do not

Of course the concern is for the children, but if the OP has lived with escalating abuse for some time, her judgment of what's normal and what's NOT will have been eroded.
The simple fact she had to come on here to ask whether a line had been crossed is telling IMO.

thelineiswhere, if you take the overwhelming response here in the spirit it is intended (I am sure) to strengthen your resolve to protect your children and seek help, you do the right thing for your children, for you and for all of your futures.

Women's Aid - telephone no top left
Freedom Program - will be an enlightening read for you, I suspect
Ring the police 111 to report Sunday's incident or 999 if you or the children are in any danger at all. The police take domestic violence very seriously - particularly against children.

I hope you are still reading. And I hope you and your children are safe

This is horrendous. Complete child abuse. Please ring the police, your little boy must be so frightened x

OP come back

Then report, Ingrid

h won't be back home for 2 weeks. he travels a lot for work and is rarely at home Mon-Fri, mostly it's just me and the kids at home.

I told him I would call the police if he didn't stop being abusively drunk but we're both professional types and at least one of us would have serious career/earning capacity damage if social services were involved.

Would the police automatically involve ss ?

Ds is 12 by the way and having stress of kids being mean to him at school which h has no advice to offer him at all and makes everything about himself. I seriously think he's pissed off that there is a problem and he doesn't know what to do for ds so he gets angry (with the situation) , ironically then ds is in the firing line verbally

I am planning on separation/divorce, (there's no way this is going to get better with "a bit of therapy" or a few sessions at relate) but have reasons for staying at present. I very much doubt others would understand the situation and I'm not wanting to out myself but I've never considered the kids physically at risk before although h is always rough in his horseplay with them which can end in tears and I make the kids aware that h's behaviour is not acceptable when he's being an arse about something and exactly why. The kids are pretty much my sole responsibility unless h is in the mood for playing daddy and time spent with him usually involves him buying them stuff or paying for an exciting activity of some sort.

Have to go and pick a kid up from an activity now - haven't had time to read the thread, have just skimmed it. Am v busy tonight on RL stuff for the kids/school etc.

I've read Lundy et al, I'm going to be a single parent soon, it's for the best despite the horrendous fallout that will ensue.