Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

I am going to leave things to the solicitors. I will discuss more the details when I see them. She said she is going to ask for orders. The idea for her is that I stay in the house and he goes.

I have seen doctors. H really messed up big time, and I think he knows it. He still knows nothing about the solicitors.
I am ok, thanks.

Oh no, Adorably, I'm so sorry about the incident. If it's along his usual lines, I hope you are OK. Remember that you are a victim in all this.

Please be sure you have a hidden 'go bag' and money for a hotel. I know the solicitors will work to get him out, but you must be prepared that he may refuse to leave or that there is a gap between him getting the letters and leaving. You need to be sure you will have a safe place.

Sorry to hear about the 'something', op. He's sorry? Not as sorry as he is going to be, and should be. I hope your solicitor hits him with a ton of bricks.

Stay safe. You need to get away from him, def.

Should the something be reported to the police? If medical attention was required it really should be logged as an attack, no matter how many "sorries" have been uttered in polite insincerity.

Without knowing the details it's impossible to say but I agree with PP, that it sounds as if it should be reported to the police. You could ring their non emergency number on 101. You can also log the fact with them that you will be soon leaving an abusive man.

I know that would feel difficult, but I cannot underline the importance of having 'proof' and 'corroboration' of abuse in cases like these.

There's another thread here where a woman leaving an abusive man has had her request to the GP to support her application for legal aid turned down because he felt there was no 'proof'. Now you may not need legal aid, but in the divorce case it will help you enormously if every incident is logged, so it's not merely your word against his.

^ yup. get it all logged, even if you don't think you'll be needing it. If it's logged and you need it, it's there. if it isnt logged, and you need it, you're stuffed.

oh Adorably I am so sorry, I hope you can get out really soon. as the others have said, plan if you can, but if you suddenly need to get out then just get out - the solicitors will sort it all out whatever you have had to do, that is their job and they are used to it.

Have WA given you details of safe places you and the children can go (like a women's refuge?) if you need to temporarily - they can be a bit basic and they are sometimes in not-very-nice areas but they are warm and safe and you will be welcomed with open arms and lots of help and support from other women who understand what you're going through. For some women they are a better option than a friend's house or a hotel because their location is secret.

My Aunt runs a refuge and I can't think of anyone better to run to in your situation (she was abused herself and now she helps others survive it) and whichever one you go to there will be someone just like her who will look after you, who'll make sure you and the kids are comfortable, and who will give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on when you're ready to.

Of course if you could go to a friend or your Aunt that would be fine too, if that's what you prefer. So long as you would be confident that he wouldn't come there and make a nuisance of himself and frighten you or the children.

you don't have to be upbeat here love, we are all horrified how he is treating you. and it does sound like whatever happened on Monday needs to be reported to the police as well as the GP. But well done for telling someone, I know when an abuser makes you feel like it's your fault it is very hard not to believe they are right and to cover up what they have done.

I don't think you can stay there until Christmas either, and being out of his way whilst he is at home sounds like a good idea.

xxx

Adorably, I've been following your thread ... sorry to hear about this latest incident. Sounds like you've handled it in the best possible way, involving the doctor and solicitor, and taking steps to make yourself scarce when no-one is around.
Good luck over the next few days and weeks. Stay strong.

I am so sorry to hear what happened I think we all guessed as much.

I assume you don't want to press charges, as you haven't mentioned doing so, but I would still give the police 101 number a ring, to get your name and details logged with them. Tell them you are in the process of leaving an abusive man, he raped you on Monday, which was reported to the GP and the hospital, and you would like your details to be on file in case he tries anything else before the divorce.

This means that if he does anything like this again, you call the police and they will get someone to you immediately.

In the circumstances I don think you need that protection.

Oh adorably, how awful. I am amazed how level headed you have handled the situation. Please call 101. Make yourself scarce. You are being incredibly strong and brave. Take care x

You are being incredibly brave. It will be a hard call to make but in the long term it will give you such a solid base for the divorce if you can bring yourself to ring 101. It will be a long call though. You are so used to abuse that you are coping with something which would break a lot of women.

I hope that you are being ultra careful about phone logs/browser history. He obviously senses your new strength and he won't give up without a fight, and he was vicious enough before you were resisting him. I wish you strength and I admire your courage.

I think that's the best thing now, let the solicitor call the shots, so long as it doesn't mean you are in a dangerous situation waiting for her to act.

I'm so sorry he hurt you, and unsurprisingly he was still trying to control the situation afterwards, wanting you to go to a specific doctor, wanting to come with you...and although he might have felt a small shred of remorse and that's why he kept calling you, I'm afraid I think it was more to check that you hadn't reported it...

you having a clear head and there being no way back is a good thing - how that came about is disgusting, but use that coolness to keep walking away with no chance of being persuaded to try again because "he's changed", because he won't have.

hopefully once you've seen the solicitor next week she will move very fast to get things sorted out, and you will be able to have Christmas in peace without wondering what the hell is going to happen next.

xx

I was sure when you mentioned an 'incident' that that was what it was. Ask the solicitor about filing a report with the police. Would you be able to log a rape complaint but ask them not to pursue it at this time?

I agree with PPs that you need to be diligent about hiding your plans. He knows he's crossed a line now, he just doesn't know what you will do about it.

His need to control you and his ability to 'disguise it' (in his mind) are beginning to slip. His assault was a blatant reaction to you saying no and also your insistence on attending your course. It was his way of stopping you, the only way he knew how. Please be careful.

You know, when my ex forced me when we were married, it wasn't even a crime. At least we've come far enough that marital rape is a crime.

Oh OP - how awful for you. I hope you do get it logged with the police - and I'm not surprised he is being 'super nice' now. He is aware that he has gone too far - he can in fact be prosecuted for that act alone. That's why he is being lovely, to make you think he is sorry, that it never happened like that (look, he is such a nice gentle guy, after all ) and lets just brush it under that carpet, eh?

Be very careful, adorably. He knows that his control is slipping; he may start to get (more) physical. God, I hope you can get out soon.

Thank you all so much for the posts.
Yes the GP mentioned 101. I want to check with the solicitor how it works though. I am a bit confused as to what will happen if I report. I have visions of police acting before any papers are served and making things even more messy.

I don't feel particularly strong to be honest. It's horrible but the fact there was something physical to describe to the GP made it easier and so did the fact that I was terrified of what damage there was. Like explaining an accident if it makes sense.
I am finding it much harder to have him around showering me with affection and expecting some back. He is around working here all week with one day off. At the weekend we went to see his sister as we were supposed to. He mentioned us thinking of having a 3rd child to her as well. I felt very tearful by the end of the day, it was awful. He noticed of course and said we needed to talk last night. So we did, or really he did. He loves me, is v sorry, didn't realise (which is impossible), was not angry but just too passionate and is sorry for that, oh and he also misses how "enthusiastic" I used to be and if I had been it wouldn't have happened. Basically totally rewriting the whole thing now. Still he hopes I'm feeling better. I tried to say as little as possible, didn't argue, probably even said sorry between the tears but I really wonder what planet he's on and how I could ever love him.

And yes you are all right he is worried about what I might say, but only really because of me needing a doctor not because of what he did. He did similar in the summer after the beach thing - no physical hurt that time because of what it was - but that was left unspoken entirely afterwards. And has been on my mind ever since. That's when I realised that me trying to have better boundaries and fixing things would just be useless. That's also why I have been avoiding any weekends away with him.

I have to stop thinking about this and focus on the solicitor appointment though. I need to recheck the length of time it takes at the beginning as I think I might ask my aunt if she would come over for a few days. Are the lengths of time given by a solicitor normally accurate or do I need to allow for some leeway? I think she said 2 weeks for her to get back papers from court. And then they would be sent to him. I left my notes in my work drawer and can't remember exactly. I will have to check with her tomorrow. She said she thought serving papers to him while he is abroad was a good option (more costly thougk). I also need to ask because we all have tickets for a visit to my relatives abroad in the Christmas holiday. I am not sure if I could still go with the children if papers have been issued?

Thanks again. I can't tell you how much it's helping me

he also misses how "enthusiastic" I used to be and if I had been it wouldn't have happened

pfftt. See what he did there, Adorably? It's your own fault it all went wrong and you were damaged by his attack. And there we are again, third child in the brew.

Why not phone 101 and ask them how it works? I don't think they will send a swat team round on the instant but it might be worth thinking about whether you might become eligible for legal aid if you start logging such incidents? Have you spoken with women's Aid recently at all? Perhaps they could advise on this too.

Others would know more about the papers, travel and timelines.

I suppose I feel quite intimidated calling 101 just to ask. Not called WA again yet. I wanted to see the solicitor tomorrow and then see what next... I should get all the answers tomorrow I hope

"too passionate"..."if you had been more enthusiastic it wouldn't have happened"...what a monster he is...and talking about you "thinking about having a third baby" to his sister, that'll be him thinking and you just going along with it, presumably....

As you say focus on the solicitor appointment for now (I'm sure your poor head must be spinning), and ask her about what she thinks about taking the children abroad at Christmas. Emotionally I think it might be very good to be out of the country for a couple of weeks, but see what they say. Make sure she knows exactly how bad things have got so that she knows she needs to move as quickly as possible.

And yes I think get your Aunt to come and stay, some moral support and comfort for you, plus you won't be on your own with him...

lean on us whenever you need to xx

Yes, adorably - it's all your fault. If you'd only been more enthusiastic, you wouldn't have been hurt. He didn't realise he was hurting you? He's too passionate [for you, he can't control himself] ?? Yes nicely deflected into blaming you for it all.

God this man is vile. He sees you as only a sex toy - if he humiliates you, embarrasses you, hurts you to the point of potential damage, well, who cares, so long as he gets his end away? He really doesn't like it now that you are working/studying, getting your own mind; far better (for him) to get you pregnant again so you go back to being his little blow-up toy.

I hope the sol is helpful - and that you phone WA tomorrow.

adorably I agree with pp that having your aunt there sounds like a very good idea. With regards to Christmas abroad, go by your gut feeling. I've today returned from just 3 days with my family abroad (I'm not from the UK) and it's done me the world of good. I didn't have to explain myself, I could just be, and relax, and feel supported.

Your H is upping the abusive bully behaviour. Hopefully the meeting with the solicitor will clarify the time line for you, and she'll be able to get things going quickly.

Maybe keep in touch with WA as well, for advice on reporting to the police and a possible application for legal aid.

Good luck adorably, we are rooting for you. Let us know how you are getting on with solicitor (as well as generally), if and when you feel like it. xx

AwakeCantSleep "I didn't have to explain myself, I could just be, and relax, and feel supported". Sounds bliss.

Sadly my mother isn't really like this at all. I can see her telling me and everyone else who cares to hear how I have ruined everyone's Christmas and how I am breaking the family. The counsellor I briefly saw in the summer was very useful for strategies in dealing with her. I have tried to have minimum contact with her which has been good. I let the children lead the Skypes normally so I can keep things breezy. Staying at their place is different though. So emotionally it may not be 100% great at all, but good to be away for the children. My aunt is lovely but I wouldn't want to take advantage really. She has her own family to think about too. My question initially was really that if a divorce is started I am not sure of the rules to take children abroad, even for holidays. I think my aunt would definitely come for a week. I just would like to time it right.

Anyway thank you. I have got a list of questions and examples of unreasonable behaviour written down although they feel really surreal ... I will definitely tell the solicitor about what happened and ask about 101 too. I want to but it feels scary as if it's goin to open an enormous can of worms that I would rather keep shut.
Thanks again.

You should check with the solicitor about this but afaik - you can report the incident to 101 to record it and ask for it to be put on file. If you didn't want to press charges it would go no further. If you did want to press charges either now or at a later date, that's when they would have to contact your husband & interview him etc.

If you might want to press charges in the future it would be sensible to get it on file. And it would also be good for your divorce case if you have reported it to police & it's documented.

There are posters around who are lawyers and police so you might double-check that with them. When's your appointment with the solicitor?

Thanks Twinklestein Appointment is tomorrow. It felt like ages away when I made the appointment last week but with everything I suddenly don't feel as ready as I would have wanted and There's lots more to ask and deal with than if all this hadn't happened. He'll be back in a bit too. You're right maybe I should put a post in another area of the forum.

As for pressing charges I don't feel mentally able at all. I am terrified of not coming out of this in one piece health wise already so adding another pressure no.

Sorry to hear about your difficult relationship with your mum. I can't answer your legal question. However is your H likely to object to you going with the kids for a holiday? Isn't he away much of the time anyway?

My feeling is that you should be very 'egoistic' from now on. I.e. if a plan or activity upsets your emotional balance and well-being, and if it can be avoided, then don't do it.

My aunt is lovely but I wouldn't want to take advantage really.

If ever there has been a time to be asking those close to you for support, it is now. You wouldn't be taking advantage of her - if she agrees (depending on her own circumstances) she will come on the understanding that you require her presence in your home to help protect you from further verbal, sexual and emotional abuse. If you can, tell your aunt about the recent 'incident'.

Take care adorably. I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well.