Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

I agree, which is why I say to prepare for it (if that makes sense). Forewarned is forearmed.

So, what he thinks is a punishment (going without you) is, in actuality, a reward (a weekend of peace). Funny how that works. As you go through the weekend without him, just take in how peaceful and easy it is with just you and the children. How well you sleep without him and his 'demands'. It will strengthen you.

Again, I do think he feels that 'something's up', but I also think that he doesn't realize exactly what it is. He may feel that you are 'testing his limits' like a 'naughty child' but probably has no idea that you would ever actually leave. He doesn't realize that the little kitten is really a tiger with claws.

Well the little kitten is fuming tonight and feeling very sweary. Saw H briefly as he was on his way back out, having dumped all his dirty laundry and refilled with clean stuff.

There's the small issue that because he was supposed to be around I had told the children exactly what was planned.
I arranged to do some of the work placement hours missed last week for half a day tomorrow. I had told him that last week (well I had told him I had done a swap). Not a problem he said last night just get the agency to find a nanny. But the kids thought they were going to be with him as they were already with a nanny today as my half term isn't this week. Older DC isn't bothered as going to a friend instead but it hasn't been so easy with DC2. They see so little of him too.

I also have the feeling that H has blamed the fact that we're left behind on me actually. Younger DC got quite clingy as he left (normal) and then got all moanie with me asked me whether it was because I "go to my work" that we couldn't go with Daddy. I don't think that's the sort of thinking DC2 would have had, or am I being paranoid?

Love your post Tipsy yes I am happy enough to have the weekend to myself but he is mucking the kids about too.

I also think he's lied to me about when he's booked his trip. He said it was really last minute but could he really get flights at such short notice over half term and his friends do the same? I was tempted to call one of the wives to find out but maybe I should just leave it. He has gone on trips with friends before but never at such short notice, after another flight.

You know what? He also said he was going to call later so see if everything was ok and see if I had managed to sort out the childcare. I managed to bit my tongue but really?! It's not like he's going to rush back if I haven't is it?!

Well I think he has shown himself to be a hypocrite as well as selfish. How bad does his behaviour be for you to leave him? Sorry for your kids, he doesn't seem to care about them either. It's all about him really, isn't it?

Oh hell no, you aren't being paranoid! Everything he's doing now he's doing to sabotage you! Either by undermining your belief in yourself, making your work duties as difficult as he can, and now, by dripping poison into your children's ears. He's pathetic!

I think a last minute trip could be arranged easily, as long as you are willing to pay a premium for it. Last minute travel is always more expensive. But then again, at this point you needn't care what he does. Just let that go. Let it all go.

Concentrate on getting out. You are playing the long game. Don't let him goad you into saying something and reveling something you don't want to reveal.

^what across said. He really has so little respect for you that he can just do as he likes. He doesn't like you studying or working, so he jeopardises that. Then he makes sure the DC blame you too. He uses them to hurt you. He is punishing you , because he can, and because he is a mean spirited, bullying arse. He's not even considering his own children.

How much more can you take? You deserve to live a happy, peaceful life!

You need to be realistic. My friend has just been chewed up by the courts. She has to do childcare 50/50 even though, he is an abuser and the courts have all the documentation and psych reports they need. And a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship that has disowned him, due to his abusive narcissistic ways.

WA were useless as her life wasn't in danger.

Well that's a fucking discouraging post, Ssh. I mean discouraging in the sense of taking away courage.
WA useless? Shit.

I agree, it was a really unhelpful post, particularly as there are so many women who negotiate successful splits with abusive men.

WA most certainly don't only give support to women in danger.

Realistic, Shh? So - stay with this sexually abusive man, just because she might not get help?

I think (certainly hope) that people don't get 'chewed up' by the courts. The evidence is normally the opposite - isn't it the men who complain about being 'chewed up'?

Your friend can certainly appeal the courts decision - esp if she thinks her dc are in any danger.

shhCD - whilst things can and do go awry I think at this point in time your post was unnecessarily fear-inspiring. Just my opinion, but there's no need to focus on the negative "what ifs" right now?

CD - Since such a scenario as you describe is rare, I would hardly call it being realistic for OP to give it a lot of head space. It's less likely to happen than any other scenario, which actually makes it a less realistic option to consider.

shh, WA doesn't have a magic wand that makes all women's dreams come true. All they can do is assist a woman in leaving if she wants to. Blame the courts, not WA. Are you seriously saying that a woman shouldn't leave an abusive relationship because her abuser may end up with 50/50? Are you saying a woman & the children are better off staying with an abuser 100% rather than at least having 50% peace? That's ridiculous.

Adorably whilst you do need to be realistic, shh's friend's experience is far from typical! And the dynamics of your relationship are, dare I say, unique. His abuse of you takes place mainly 'behind closed bedroom doors' and it appears that he treats his children well. In your case, even if you ended up with 50/50 your children will not be in danger. And you getting away from him will end his sexual abuse of you 100%.

God no! Absolutely not. She must leave but be aware of the strength she needs as WA aren't the panacea you would believe from MN. It really upset my friend as she had taken advice from this very board.

And be aware that if he wants the children the courts ( well definitely in London last month) are very much set at 50/50. No matter what the psych evidence us against the mother.

It is awful but forewarned is forearmed.

OK shhCD ... i see your point more clearly now, thanks for clarifying! I'm sure WA are kind of stretched at all points (which is criminally sad) but I think they still do counselling and advice even when no life threat is current? Not sure on that to be fair to all.

I think it's fair that OP knows H is going to get access assuming the kids wish it. It is no longer his right but I guess coming of age kids know what's what. Hurtful though that is for them.

I understand your point that forearmed etc ... am just worried that this OP is still at a very gentle point herself and needs confidence to explore not fear to say she surrenders ...

I'd be very surprised given the dynamics of the OP's husband's job if he got 50:50, particularly as he's not massively invested with the children. He's away quite a lot and it doesn't make any sense to have nannies when their mother could look after them.

The court generally goes with the current primary caregiver, which in this case is the OP.

Custody decisions depend on the status quo prior to divorce which are different in each case. You can't apply what happened in case a to case b.

I agree with Twink. Even if the court were to award 50/50, I'm sure that they will stipulate that if the children were going to be left with a nanny on 'his time' because he is gone, that they will stay with their mother instead. No court is going to say, yes, well, we know he's gone but it's 'his weekend' so the children will just sit in his house with the nanny. Never going to happen!

and not to ... argghh

Thank you all for the posts ... yes probably lucky this was posted on a day I feel optimistic ... My experience of WA has certainly been v good so far. For me they have provided the real life support that I completely lack. It wasn't easy to get through and I initially worried very much I was taking someone else's place in an hour of need. Now I have established contact it has been much easier. They have been very helpful for my situation.
But they are not solicitors and I can't expect them to be that. Now I have had quite a few half hours and appointments with solicitors I realise that although they say 'family law' they are all different. WellWhoKnowgave that advice I think and I can see now what she meant. I can also see how important having a good solicitor is going to be. I would hope that helps getting the right sort of outcome. The solicitor I have seen twice now said
that no-one in a divorce is above the law and that dirty tricks rarely pay in the long run. I hope that's true.
Anyway I thought I was being realistic. In fact maybe over cautious in some ways.
The solicitor I saw didn't say 50/50. She said 70/30. My H is away too much. Other half hour appointments suggested the same.
But yes in many ways it feels like the whole process is a huge unknown so who knows? It must be devastating when that happens.

One thing that this has made me wonder is whether and at what age children can have a say? I'm just wondering whether DC1 would have a say if it came to it. I haven't asked the solicitors.

Oh and I was thinking earlier that actually H's trip is probably the first time that his family man image is slipping if I tell things as they are to other people. I called favours off a mum for today so DCs wouldn't have to be with a nanny again. But I told the mum my nanny had let me down, not H. And started wondering what I would tell our friends tomorrow when I turn up by myself with the children on the day out, thinking maybe I should tell them he's had to work.

And then earlier I was thinking actually why should I feel embarrassed by this? For once it's something not personal.
The DCs are very excited about tomorrow and haven't mentioned their dad today so that was OK too.

I don't think you need to 'cover' for him in the least. "He's gone off with his mates" is good enough. But don't do something out of character for you right now, iyswim.

No I won't say anything much. Actually this morning I am back to feeling quite bad (for the children mostly) that he decided to go and not spend time with them. It's rubbish isn't it? It's not like he doesn't get time to himself.

Hi adorably, I was just wondering how you are doing. Has your H been behaving himself (unlikely)? I hope you and the kids had an enjoyable outing the other day.

Thanks for asking, AwakeCantSleep
The weekend was fine but I haven't been having a good time since. My H had the day off on Monday and something happened after I went home having taken the children to school. I am ok now. It is going to be ok. I rang the solicitor that I had already seen. I have to go back and see her to complete and sign some forms with her and she will send them off so the process can be started. It sounds like it will take a little while before anything 'real' happens but it's ok. He said he was sorry after but still implying it was all my fault really. I see no alternatives. I just need to keep the weekends busy until he is sent anything. He is working here next week with one day off during which I will make myself scarce once the children are at school but after that is back to his away patterns for a few weeks in a row. I feel numb, I can't even really cry, I just have to do something now though, I don't want to spend Christmas with him. Sorry I am not more upbeat.

Good to hear from you again adorably. I'm very sorry you've been having a bad time. This is your thread by the way; be as up- or downbeat as you like

You said something happened on Monday. No need to go into details here (unless you want to) but please log any (and all) abuse with the GP and the police, if at all possible. You can do this retrospectively I think (if you want to wait until he's been served some papers). There are professionals out there to support you. You are being very brave in preparing for a split behind his back.

Given that you have decided to take action now you need to put your practical head on, and gather as much support and information as you can. Housing is a priority I would have thought. What does your solicitor say about this? Is it possible to keep him away from the home/you/the kids until some legalities are sorted?

Your plan re: keeping busy sounds good. You could take your laptop/tablet to a coffee shop with free wifi to do some research. Or to the library. Doing your coursework could serve as an excuse.

I'm in the danger of sounding like a broken record, but please be kind to yourself. Good luck with it all adorably. Come back here for support/a rant/update/a cry whenever you feel like it.

Sorry to hear about Monday. Have WA or the solicitor offered any advice about what to do when "something happens"?