Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

As for pressing charges I don't feel mentally able at all.

As others have said, it should be possible to log the abuse with the police DV unit without triggering a rape/sexual violence investigation at this time. You can still press charges if and when you feel ready at a later point in time.

Others will be much more knowledgeable than me but you might want to call the police anonymously first to enquire about the process. WA may be able to advise you on this too.

Entirely understandable that you don't want to press charges. The most important thing is that you get away from him.

I still think it's worth logging it with the police partly because it will help you corroborate the abuse, and partly because if it's on record and someone else reports him, they will take it more seriously.

I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well tomorrow. Good luck!

Can you not just leave now, go to your aunt and stay there till the solicitor sorts divorce / non mol / occ order etc? He's just getting worse, which when he was an evil beast to start with, is utterly awful for you. I'm so sad for you, and so very fecking angry for you too, wish I could whisk you away to somewhere safe; no one should have to be treated like that, least of all in their own home with someone they should be able to trust and who should be looking out for them. Huge amounts of strength and warmth sent your way xx

Remember that pressing charges is only part of it. The other part is that logging the incident gives you a 'stick' as it were, if you need one. If he becomes uncooperative down the line or won't leave you alone after you've separated, it is something that your solicitor can use to make him behave. I have a feeling that the police won't act on it if you explain that you are currently trying to get away from him, but that you don't yet have your ducks in a row. Do ask the solicitor. See if you can get some kind of a timeline. I know he/she can't get it down to the minute, but you do need to be able to make some sort of exit plan and it would be helpful to know if you'll have a 'head's up' in enough time to exit gracefully or if you'll need to be ready to do in a moment's notice.

There is another poster on MN who had the police and her solicitor working together to where they were able to coordinate papers being served with her being able to leave with the police being able to be there. I think she'd filed abuse reports and they assigned her an officer as liaison. She ended up leaving a few days earlier on her own.

I agree with above poster, if you ever needed your aunt's support you need it now. I'm sure she'll be happy to come if she is able. Don't hesitate to ask anyone at all who is in a position to help you.

Hello again - Feeling pessimistic this morning. Meeting was very long, went well generally though it was a lot to take in. Basically D8 is ready to sent. The orders go together and she said we should file them so it all happens at the same time. The non-molestation would be just for me. To do that though something needs to be filed with the police. For legal aid she says she wouldn't strictly need it as there is medical evidence now but for the order they do. She was very clear about that. She was also not willing to say for sure what action police would take. She said it depends on them reviewing and assessing all the evidence and the risk to me. It's their call. Though I am to tell them of divorce proceedings being prepared and give the solicitors details so the police know the situation and tell them I don't want action to be taken until after papers are served. She says she's had experience of the unit involved in my area before and will liaise with them too if necessary.

So lots more paperwork to complete but really the main hurdle is calling 101. I know I need to do it and do it asap and yet it feels like betrayal to him as he has no idea and also having to talk again about everything. I know I have things written down but still last week as well. Also all the orders feel so aggressive and confrontational, maybe he would be all right without them? I don't know. I just want to curl up under the duvet today.

Once the appointment is booked I'll just go I know but need to pluck up some courage. I am so rubbish I can see how intimidated I feel by their status, like I don't feel I can say what I want them to do or not, if that makes sense ..,

H being around is not helping either. He's so solicitous, so checking I am ok and yet pressurising me in so many ways. Wanting me to say I love him. I couldn't come out with the words, really ended up saying "yes but you scare me". He tried to laugh it off and said yes he could be a bastard but that didn't mean he didn't love me. He's accepted I won't go out for the day with him (his day off) on Friday because of work exp but he wants to meet me for lunch nearby in my lunch break. He's booked a show for Sat evening as well. With a normal person these would be nice gestures but I feel smothered at the moment.

Adara my aunt lives abroad. I can't just leave with the children like this. I would get in trouble and their lives are here really. Aunt can come probably but flights need to be booked.

Sorry you're having a bad day, it's only to be expected when dealing with so much.
Your aunt being abroad doesn't help then, but if she can come to you, that's far better than you being alone, so do get her there as soon as you can. If you have no other family then do you not have a friend you could all stay with? Or WA and a refuge? anything would be better than being with this awful man where you aren't safe. Warm hand holds and a good sent to you in hopes of helping you get through the day a little more easily x

Hello Adorably, everything is getting very real and I'm not surprised you're having a bit of a wobble, but that's all it is, a wobble. You have done amazingly well to get this far so soon (just a few short weeks ago you were talking about maybe next year...) and now you are ready to go...and feeling bad about what you must do is entirely normal at this stage.

You are not betraying him, he has betrayed you, and your trust, over and over again. The reason for having the non-mol order is precisely because he almost certainly WON'T be "all right without them". They do feel aggressive and confrontational, but that's because HE is, and that's why you have to protect yourself - look what he did only last week when you said no, and every other time when he's done exactly what he wanted.

When he realises he has lost control of you completely who knows what he's capable of, I doubt he knows. He has obviously scared himself with his own behaviour, which is what all this compensating smothering is about.

On the basis of his behaviour to date, it is not going to be possible to serve him divorce papers and then expect that you will be able to cope being near him/in the same house (I assume the other one is an Occupation Order), and the solicitor knows that. The two orders together mean that you can feel safe in your own home or on your way to school/the shops/wherever. They mean that if he makes a nuisance of himself and you are scared then the police will come running, and you will not have to go through what happened last week, or worse, again.

The other thing these orders do is make it plain to him that you are not messing about - this is not you opening discussions about your relationship, this is you shutting the door on it.

I know it's hard, but he just isn't going to be reasonable about all of this - he's going to be whining, smothering, manipulative, accusing, vicious, threatening by turns. And this is going to be the first time you've ever been able to stand up to him, because with those orders you have the law on your side and a good solicitor right next to you.

Stay strong honey, hide under the duvet if you need to, but make that call first.

xx

Would you find it easier to make an appointment with a member of the domestic violence team and talk face to face? They would be trained to handle this kind of report tactfully.

You are doing so well. There will be dark days but you are doing this to get a better life for yourself and your children. You are a brave woman.

Yes I would. That is what the WA said. But even then, I don't know. I feel I am the one who is going to be put our lives upside down. I just feel maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I do the wrong thing and that triggers everything. Maybe if he knew how bad it is he would try to change. I feel so so bad doing this. Doing this without talking to him. Like I am not giving him a chance.
Everything has gone so fast I feel like the carpet's been pulled from under my feet. I panicked last week and made the solicitor's appointment so it's my own doing but now it's like things have overtaken me.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.

The thing that really jumps out at me is the fact that you feel that making the call to 101 seems like a betrayal. Rape of your wife is the biggest betrayal a man could commit bar murder, on a par with GBH. He betrayed you horribly, and you are simply having to deal with the consequences of his actions. If you need to make a telephone call to protect yourself and your children, then so be it, the buck stops with him.

I understand that the steps feel draconian, but if you read thenamehaschanged's threads, and others, you will see that, with abusive men, mild measures simply do not work. She was forced into comparable measures as you. It's much better to take precautions from the start, and guard against every eventuality than go in too meekly and ending up in a traumatic situation.

You think 'well he might behave ok without all this'. But the problem is he might rape you again. And again. And he might go further. No-one can predict what he will do. He has actually committed a crime. Once he's broken that boundary - what's to stop him?

Given the seriousness and the nature of the abuse you have described on your threads, I would urge you to follow through the current policy, listen to your solicitor, do what the professionals recommend, and protect yourself. Some women lose courage at this point, want to be 'nice' and end up regretting it, some for the rest of their lives.

If necessary, do you have any friend who could be with you or come with you to talk to the police?

Stay strong & talk here as much as you like. xx

dear girl you didn't panic last week you behaved entirely appropriately, as anyone of us would have done. You did that because he raped you and was so violent that you needed medical attention from a specialist...

you thinking it's your fault is because that is what he has made you feel, that is how abuse works...he had to force you because you aren't enthusiastic enough these days, he had to make you have sex in the car because you wouldn't have it on the beach, he goes straight for penetration and tries to kid both of you that you've enjoyed it because you had an orgasm later...this isn't about him not understanding how to show affection, this is about him having power over you.

you are not triggering anything, you are the victim here it's not your fault, I absolutely promise it isn't. You are getting out because you have no choice.

If he is capable of attacking you like he did last week then I genuinely don't believe he is capable of changing because you ask him to.

I think if you spoke to someone at the domestic violence unit and say what you have just said in your post, they would tell you that almost everyone they see says exactly that; they deal with it all the time, the poor girls (mostly girls but not always) who think they have probably deserved the beating/rape/whatever because of something they did/didn't do. Or didn't do fast enough, or didn't explain properly.

And so many of these girls think that if they can just talk to their H, they can make him understand how bad it is so that he won't do it again. But he always does - it takes on average 35 instances of domestic violence before a woman makes her first call to the police to ask for help. You're not going to tell me that those girls didn't try and explain/discuss 34 times before they had finally had enough. Please don't wait to get to that number...get out now.

I wish we all knew you in RL so we could help properly, can I suggest you get your Aunt over as soon as possible so you can talk to her about all of this; it sounds like she would be a useful sounding RL sounding board for you, as well as someone who has your best interests at heart.

xxx

Sorry to hear you are struggling adorably. And much better to be honest about that than pretend everything is fine all of the time.

I agree with pps in that the orders seem necessary. I can see how you feel that you are betraying him, and should give him a second chance etc. However, you have already given him years of second chances. If it helps, think of your children. In order to give them a protected and loving upbringing you need to protect yourself first.

It may seem harsh to apply for orders and serve him papers without saying anything beforehand, but you really don't want the situation to drag out, and him to get more opportunities to rape you/talk you round to his way of thinking/talk you into having more babies/talk you into dropping out of your course etc.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Confer with the solicitor and WA about the best way forward in reporting the abuse to police/DV unit. I am sending lots of strength your way adorably. You are amazing. Take care xx

Oh darling girl, please, please understand that you have done nothing wrong. All you are trying to do is save yourself and your children from an intolerable life. There is nothing you can do, no trying harder, no talking to him, no 'giving chances'. The only thing that would 'save' this situation would be if you were to be content to live a life of complete submissiveness to a sexual predator. Because that is what he is. To give up your very soul to a man who cares only for your body. Because that is what he wants, no, what he expects. And you already know that you are worth more than that.

He won't change. He can't. He is just plain 'wired wrong'. You cannot change someone who feels that their abnormalities are 'normal'. He is a sick man. You don't have the power to heal him. All you can do is get away. If you were in a yard with a rabid dog, would you try to 'heal it'? No, you would get away as fast as you can. Same thing.

It's natural to be nervous and afraid. We hold on to what we know as 'safe' because we know what to expect. Even when that 'safe' is destroying us. The 'unknown' is scary because we can never know exactly what it holds. But you know enough to know some of that. It holds independence, control over your own body, freedom from the fear of sexual assault, and your love and safety for your children.

Make your appointment with 101. Ask to speak to a female officer if you would feel more comfortable. Remember that YOU are in control. They will work with you to be sure that your exit (or him being banned from the home) is done safely and smoothly.

Love, you deserve this. You know that you do. But you also know that you cannot get this without a few steps into unknown territory. But you are brave. Just the fact that you have dealt with it so far proves that.

Agree with everything AcrossthePond55 said.

Sorry if this has been mentioned previously, but with the incident that Monday, and your H wanting you to go to a private GP, is that so he could control what you Todd then, and also so there would be less chance of your medical notes being released or a referral being made? (sorry, I'm not sure how private medical care works, just thinking if he's paying for it, he may call more of the shots with them?).

OP - please make sure you're logging out and using ' in-private browsing'.

Thinking of you.

The thing is, he DOES know how bad it is, thats why he wanted to come to the doctor with you to try to ensure that you didnt tell anyone what he did, and its why he is playing lovely now.
He wont admit it, tries to turn it round to blame you, because that makes you feel bad about something bad thats happened to you and keeps the spotlight directed away from him.

Well done Adorably. Please do call 101. You know what? If you do, the way you feel now will only be for now. It will get better for you. Not right away but it will get better.

Thinking of you adorably. How are you today?

Thanks for your posts yesterday. You make a lot of sense I know. I rang 101 this morning in the end. I know it's the right thing to do because yes I am scared of what might happen next, of the children being eventually dragged into this as they understand more, of ending up a complete mess as I get older but I still feel totally awful for doing this. The policeman I talked to initially wasn't very nice to be honest. Eventually after I mentioned the solicitor's name he said he would pass in the message to the colleague in charge. She rang back and offered to see me today. I was on my course and missed her call. Called her back, she was nicer and I will be going to the station on Monday morning. They offered to come to the house but I prefer not. I feel very scared now. H has gone out tonight. Last night he was talking about booking a "romantic" weekend for us so "we could get back on track", saying he would book tomorrow and where did I want to go. It's our anniversary soon, the idea makes me totally sick. I spent most of the night awake worrying about it all. My niggling fear has been that our eldest I wonder may realise not what has happened (the kids were not around when either happened) but that things weren't right or that I'm not right. I can't describe it but both times DC1 has asked me questions that have made me wonder. It's freaked me out. I'm quite close to them both and I guess they must feel I act differently. I don't want them to have to live with that, even worse realising one day what might have gone on. I just couldn't live with that really.

Still terrified though. Completely. I'm trying to concentrate on other things to distract myself but not very successfully.

Thanks for asking Awake it's very kind of you.
Thanks for taking the time to pull me together

well done Adorably, I really admire you finding the strength to make that call.

I know what you have to do is so scary, but unfortunately the children will be picking up on stuff, even without (hopefully) understanding what has gone on. And what you are doing is protecting them, and you, from having to deal with any more of it; you are a wonderful mum and one day they will understand how brave you had to be, and they will love you even more.

Before you get to that, there are hard days to get through, you know that, but just take it step by step. And with a bit of luck you can get out of there before this gruesome "romantic" "getting back on track" weekend that he is planning. The only track you want to be on is one that gets you as far away from him as possible, as fast as possible.

Well done love, keep going, we are all here with you every step of the way. xxx

xx

Good morning adorably. for you, and some for later. (I was planning on having some myself )

Must say I shudder at the notion of this "romantic" weekend your H is planning. I really do hope that your solicitor can get proceedings under way very quickly.

And fantastically well done you for making that 101 call. I feel like starting a Mexican wave and cheering you on! That must have been incredibly difficult for you. Of course you feel scared - anyone would. Just today and the weekend to get over with before your appointment. I am hoping that on Monday while feeling scared, angry, apprehensive etc you will also feel a little brave, empowered and supported.

I'm not surprised the children have been picking up on the tension. As a pp said, one day they will love you even more for what you are doing now.

Have a good day adorably. I am in awe of you. You are a very strong woman, and a great mother. Your kids are so lucky to have you in their lives. Take care xx

Hi Adorably,

With regard to the "romantic weekend", do you think you could tell H that you are feeling very under the weather and do not feel up to going anywhere? (And just stay feeling "under the weather" until you are safely away from him)...

You are doing really, really, well in extremely stressful circumstances. It is great that you will be seeing someone at 101.

It might not feel like it at the moment, but you are taking all the right steps to get away from a very abusive person, so that you (and your children) can live a normal and safe life.

I wish you all the best.

Well done for making the call, OP. I hope monday comes round quickly for you.

I second feeling 'under the weather' - I think if it were me, I'd mention that my 'injuries' (inflicted by him) , whilst not life-threatening, were painful enough to be bringing you down, and you just don't feel up to it. Maybe sort something out after christmas, when the weather's better, or maybe if he wants to do something nice for you, maybe he could send you (just you!) away for a spa break or something...??

I'm so glad you made the call! You'll be glad, too, once you get the report filed. It's another step.

I'm not sure how soon this 'romantic weekend' is supposed to occur, but I think should let the officer you file your report with on Monday know and explain your fears about a repeat of the recent incident. Explain your fears of telling him you don't want to go. Let your solicitor know also, today if possible. Maybe this is something that can be used to speed things along?

Rest assured that he will try to plan this so it interferes with your course. The problem with pleading illness would be to be too ill to go away, but not to ill to go to your course. Perhaps as a pp posted, that you are still sore from the incident rather than the flu or such.