Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

Sweetheart I think don't tell him, don't even threaten him, until you are out of there. And serve papers when you and the kids are not near him, and not needing/due to be near him...

He is not going to be reasonable, he is going to be nasty and incredulous and manipulative and whining and trying to control you with money...and then once he's gone through the list he'll start again at the beginning.

The in-between stage isn't going to be easy, but trust your solicitors advice on how to handle that and you WILL get through it. I'm fairly sure the requirement for him to maintain the kids financially kicks in the minute you're out the door - talk to your solicitor about how/when to make a claim for it; assuming he talks to a solicitor they will advise him he needs to pay it - best to check but I think it's 15% of his salary/income for first child, 20% for two. And once you've lodged a claim, if he doesn't pay the debt keeps racking up back to that date, and he'll have to pay it eventually.

You've done really well to keep your thoughts to yourself until now, don't blow it at the last minute...just walk quietly away and when you're at a safe distance drop all hell on him from a height...

have x posted with some of the other girls...but just wanted to say it might be worth quickly applying for a 0 per cent credit card, or even a couple of them...those "no interest" deals usually last about 12 months, so would help at the start.

also the solicitor will advise whether you should stay in the house and expect (legally) him to get out, or whether you and the kids should leave (temporarily) for your safety/sanity. the best thing for the kids will obviously be to stay with you in their familiar environment, but only if that's not going to mean all of you being frightened of him turning up...

thinking of you a great deal...take care xxx

I now it's mostly weekends when the sex on demand is, but could you really carry on knowing when Friday night came what your weekend was to be full with!!
Also you saying you wanted to save more money maybe April, I really don't think you could physically go through till then really! It would heighten your anxiety and stress you out!

God I really feel for you, its unimaginable to think of what your having to go through. What an utter vile man, to treat you like this and then buy you jewellery to compensate.

Agree with do not blow your chance of getting away from him,by telling him how you feel!!! Just do it.

Ask your solicitor/WA what happens to you in between once the papers are drawn up?????
I would as suggested have it so you have no contact, as things will get nasty. Men change when things don't go the way they want, and get really nasty will all sort of threats.

I'm glad you have a sol appointment soon, OP. take a list of your questions with you; ie what happens when papers are served. How can I guarantee my/dc safety. How/when will fees be paid.

As you are the primary carer, I would expect the sol to push for you to live in the marital home until the dc are 16/18, and he will move out. Get this cast-iron, so he can't claim 'well it's my home too' and move back in!

Once the papers are signed, get a non-mol and get all communication through solicitors. Otherwise you are still at risk of him abusing you.

I only used my CC for about a month, so I didn't incur much debt.

If you are worried about longer term, do talk about it with your solicitors and CAB as well. WA may be able to advise you.

When you become a single parent you may be entitled to higher tax credit. Get as much info as you can.

You may also be eligible for a Novitas loan, which is specifically for litigation (and comes with a huge APR), which you repay at the end, rather than save up at the beginning. It would depend on what kind of settlement you were likely to receive (this can be calculated).

But it does mean that you can pay for legal services from the get-go.

Adorably, I don't know if this is something that would work for you but my BFF waited until her H was gone for a few days and then she left with their son. He had NO idea she was even contemplating divorce, after all, he had told her that 'she could leave when he gave her permission to leave'. He was served with papers when he returned. I know your H works away a lot. You may want to try to do as she did. If your solicitor is going to be able to get an order for him to leave, you may want to be able to get a locksmith in to change locks on the day he is served. Or at least stay elsewhere until he is gone.

I agree with others that you must not give him even an inkling that you are leaving. Unfortunately, he is not stable and I think his reactions will be unpredictable. You also need to prepare yourself for a very difficult time. He is not going to 'go quietly'. But remember that the courts and your solicitor will fight those battles for you. And that you are young, too young to live as you have been, and that you have many, many years to go in which to be happy. This will be just a bump in the road of your long, happy life.

Thank you all, it's really very kind [flower]. I have added to my list of questions. The house we are in is in both our names so the solicitors I have seen have said I could apply to stay there with the children until they are grown but said there were other options too. Personally I am not sure I would want to stay in the house in the long run. A lot seems to depend on how my H reacts too. I realise he has to pay maintenance for the children. The WA talked about the orders. Everything seems to depend on one thing or another so it feels like moving sands a bit. The no nonsense solicitor seemed to think there is pretty much a way to deal with anything and that unreasonable people don't get far but it's all a bit abstract really. So yes I'm anxious about the weeks after the papers get served, with or without orders, with or without money etc ...

As for waiting until April/May I don't know, really don't. I wanted the ground to swallow me on Saturday but also I am not sure I can hide how increasingly disgusted I feel in private. I am disgusted at him but also at myself for having no self respect really and allowing it.

Hopefully practical things will be a bit clearer after the solicitor. It's a proper appointment this time not a half hour.

Don't feel that way about yourself! Right now you are 'allowing' it to disguise your feelings and throw him off the track of your planned future actions. It has nothing to do with having no self respect and everything to do with throwing up smokescreens and protecting yourself! I think it takes a lot of courage to do as you are doing and be able to keep your sanity. But you ARE doing it!

Just wanted to thank you again for taking the time to reply. Really really much appreciated. I have done a list of questions. I understand from the solicitor that she has her own list of questions for me.

I agree I shouldn't tell him you are all very right. I won't. He wouldn't change most probably.

acrossthepond I do feel great shame unfortunately. I replay things in my head wishing I had done many things differently. The children are keeping me sane, and my course and work are helping too at the moment.

We all have things we wish we'd done differently, or not at all. Unfortunately there is not undo/erase button! We can only work with what has happened.
I agree with pond - You are doing so well, adorably2014.

Good luck with the solicitor.

captain is right. We do what we need to in order to survive. In retrospect there are always things, even in the most 'perfect' relationship, that we wish we'd done differently.

Again, remember that you are doing now what you must do in order to keep things on an even keel until you can make an exit. There is nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's what most experts would tell you to do! I know in your case there is a physical aspect to it that you would rather not have to deal with, but remember even that is 'a means to an end' right now. It's all about keeping him from becoming suspicious.

You will have time after it's all over to deal with your feelings and regrets. Now is not the time.

The shame is entirely his Adorably, try not to beat yourself up.

You are doing what you need to do to survive, to give you a little more time to plan, and to get out. I think the idea of getting all of you safely out of harm's way whilst he is away at work is well worth considering.

You are doing really, really well, just a little longer and then with help/advice from the solicitor, one big leap and you will be out of there.

Take care love xxx

I discussed my savings with the solicitor. She said a safety cushion is wise but cannot see that saving for another 6 months is going to make a huge difference in the larger picture. She said it might feel safer to have more but ultimately the most important thing is to make the right decisions when filing for the divorce. She's told me to look into a couple of other things.

I'm now not sure what to do. Half term is here and not much time to do anything. After what she said and the way things are at home I am starting to wonder whether I should do something much sooner. The weekend was, well, the weekend as they seem to have shaped since we've been back from summer hols. Saturday not good with moodiness and Sunday OK. I am really really struggling with the sexual side of things.

Anyway must go, I have to pick up the children

adorably now that your awareness of his appalling behaviour is heightened it is not surprising you are struggling more. To me it seems mad that you should endure this for another 6 to 9 months. Has your solicitor given you specific advice about the financial and housing side of things immediately following the split? Someone else mentioned taking out 0% credit cards prior to serving the papers which would give you a bit of breathing space as well.

Meanwhile go easy on yourself. If half term is busy/inconvenient for sorting out and researching stuff then do it next week. Concentrate on yourself and the kids. In the coming months it will be even more important to look after yourself as well as the children (easy to forget if you are a mother, I'm sure).

Good luck, and keep posting here when you feel like it.

I think it would help if you could get an idea of what you can expect income-wise. Then try to research rentals within your means. Try and figure a basic budget. Once you know that, you can be better equipped to set a plan for leaving. Focus less on saving money, focus more on income expected vs outgoings estimated.

I'd probably take the half-term holidays 'off' as far as specific planning goes. Maybe use the time to make a few mental lists of things you feel you need to research once the holiday is over.

Contact WA, they may have checklists or suggested timelines that may help you.

I think it's going to take a dreadful toll on your mental health if you carry on staying with him now. You need to know for sure what will happen re your housing situation if you leave him. Can you stay in the marital home? Are there tax credits you can apply for? The more information you have the more power and choices you have. It's gonna be hard but it will be worth it in the end to get away from this dreadful man who is crushing your spirit. Rooting for you!

Thanks. You're right I am probably focussing on the wrong thing now. I have a list to work from. I had done some things on it but not all and I haven't budgeted. I started but then stopped as there were some unknown quantities and I wasn't sure. I need to start again. The solicitor covered finance and housing in some detail, some of it I'm still trying to process. I feel completely overwhelmed after the meeting. It's like learning a new language. I need to go back to WA again.

I am not sure whether it's my realisation that's heightened or him who is getting worse. Almost every Saturday I am waiting for some kind of argument to kick off/horrid comments to be made after something I say. Then he is fine on Sundays. He definitely wasn't walking around making those blatantly gross comments on me (or other women) either before. He must have had those thoughts, why else would he have boasted about the video but he kept them to himself or at least they were couched differently. I did mention the weekend pattern when I first noticed it to the WA woman and she said he might be trying to reassert his authority after having been away all week.

Since the summer I also find that he shows affection when others are around but otherwise he doesn't. However he still expects everything as before sex-wise. Again it was different before. But I can't pinpoint what's changed really. I seem to get on his nerves more. I do fight my corner more as in I am more vocal if he says something I disagree with.

Scarletohello yes I worry what it's doing to me. I thought it would be ok but it's not. I feel increasingly used and disgusting and it's on my mind a lot (too much).

adorably it might be a combination of both. You are more aware of what he is doing to you and how it affects you. He is probably sensing that you are standing up for yourself more and hence he's upping the abuse. It's like a vicious circle designed to beat you into submission.

You are doing all the right things re: legal advice, budgeting etc so that's great. But please look after yourself as well. Your mental health is so very important in this. (I am currently off work with severe depression and anxiety so take it from me.) You are feeling disgusted and used, but you are doing something about it. You should be so proud of yourself. Taking your H out of the equation, there are lots of positives in your life. Hold on to them while your are working on your escape plan.

You're getting on his nerves because you're standing up to him more. He signed up for a submissive wife, if she stops submitting he's bound to feel peeved and need to reassert his authority.

Your solicitor is absolutely right that there's not a huge amount to be gained financially by scrimping and saving for a few months, the settlement will outweigh those savings.

I don't see how you can un-see the things you've seen, so unfortunately staying can only be at the expense of your mental health.

Like the others have said, you are more aware of his disgusting behaviour, and more in touch with how it makes you feel. he is then reacting to that.

you must feel like a volcano ready to explode, but I think to cover your tracks for a few more weeks whilst you get ready to leave, try not to outwardly fight your corner too much, shout at him in your head instead; that is about keeping your feelings/plans hidden, not about being submissive.

You will get chance to vent your fury very shortly, and you will do it from a position - geographical, legal and emotional - where he has limited options for response, and cannot hurt you physically. After what he has already done when you were forced to be compliant, I don't trust him not to do something unspeakable when he fully realises that you are breaking free of his control.

having this week "off" from planning sounds like a good thing, you must be exhausted, so try and enjoy some time with the children.

I think the solicitor has given you good advice, the money will sort itself out, your mental health is far more important.

Thanks .
awake sorry to hear about your work. I hope you are OK. I am trying to avoid this. I am trying to detach but I think I have reach my limit.
Not sure I am like a volcano ... I feel a complete mix of emotions. My aunt says she can't believe I am not more angry and says I need to stop excusing his behaviour. I am angry but I am also very sad that somehow it's not going to be possible to turn this round. I've tried to tell her that it feels more like grief really. I realise that attempts to talk have all backfired and been used to beat me with later. If I can't talk to him then there isn't much left.
Anyway no point going round in circles ...

I think you are so at the end of your tether that I think you'd better prepare yourself to leave suddenly. You have put up with his outrageous behaviour so long and now your reserves are gone. It may very well be that one morning you just decide to pack it in, take the children, and go ready or not.

Right now you are holding yourself back to be 'better prepared'. You may not be able to do that much longer.

I think I need to avoid that though Acrossthepond from what I have been told anyway.
H called me last night to say he won't be back this weekend after all. He was supposed to be back today. Instead he says he will be popping round to get some clothes and will be off again. He is going on a break with a couple of his friends back very late Sunday night.

That's after he called me selfish for saying I didn't really want to miss my course this week so said we could go somewhere uk-based just for the weekend but he wasn't interested.
We were supposed to go to a Halloween event with another family but now it'll be just me.
Not quite sure what to make of this. I feel more relaxed that he is not going to be around but think it is quite weird especially the very short notice and going on half term when the kids are around so he won't actually see them tomorrow for example. He said it was the last chance to catch good weather where he is going.

So, from the controller's script, we can now tick the box relating to "coursework that is not H centred" becoming ammunition to make you feel "bad, mad and selfish". It was also an obedience test and guess what? You failed! Well done! As your punishment you get to have the w/e without his pressurising presence? Jackpot win, as far as I can see