Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

Cystitis is a good 'thing' to have suddenly gone down with. Painful, cant go too far from a loo, and REALLy bad idea to have any kind of intimate contact.
You can get some gereal flu-ish symptoms before (tired and achey) and then full blown nasties over the weekend.

Oh and a HUGE well done for making that call xxx

Yes, you absolutely need to ensure that contraception is in place or that sex is not available. I have my doubts that the latter would be recognised by H. Cystitis is a bad and painful thing, especially when it reaches the kidneys. Fainting happens then. I know. But I still have doubts that h would not go ahead full steam no matter what.

and yes, a huge WOW for making that call!

Thanks for the suggestions, not sure at all I could pull that off. I have never been very good at faking illnesses... There was no time for a trip this side of Christmas thankfully. Sorry I didn't make that clear. He has booked something for Jan now.

I have such mixed feelings about it all. One minute he is being a complete selfish ass. Out very late last night, came home drunk and made grumpy comments about being on a sex ban. Thankfully soon crashed to sleep. Has mentioned getting some sex before he goes on Sunday night for a week. I have laid it on thick about the doctor's recommendations and I think he will steer clear. But he is laying on th guilt and will want something I am sure. I think he has reassured himself somehow that it'll be ok. Tonight he is out again. Goodness knows what state he will be in when he returns. I met him for lunch today where he spent some time criticising the area where I do the work exp ("trendies") and being generally dismissive and arrogant. It irritates me massively because I know he is actually interested in the subject I want to work in. Then told me I was far too protective of DC1 after a comment I made. Apparently the poor child needs to toughen up. So yes when he is like this I know I am doing the right thing as he is revolting. Then he is ok again, makes normal conversation and tells me I am the love of his life, which upsets me no end, and makes me think he would be different if I had always been more assertive. Sometimes I wonder whether he has pushed a self-destruct button and I worry and feel sorry for him. He seems to find it impossible to sit still, like this obsession with trips, as if he doesn't want to be here more than 5 minutes.

I am so worried about what will happen after Monday and what decision the police will take. I also can't bear to think what his family are going to think. In a way I am much closer to his sister than my own. His elderly mother is also very nice. So yes it feels like betrayal. And a huge chunk of my life that will go with it. I also worry about the children somehow finding out one day.

I had two calls following the various GP visits: one for the counselling she referred me for a little while ago and the other is a risk assessment I think. A message on my phone. I am not sure who it is with. Then I need to go back to the GP herself as well. And complete more forms and bring them to solicitors.

Worried head all over the place a bit, but progress of a kind ...

But he is laying on the guilt and will want something I am sure.

That tells you everything really. He is making you feel guilty for refusing sex following injuries he inflicted on you when he raped you. I cannot find words to describe how disgusting he is.

Please also understand that your conflicting feelings about him are completely normal. You have married this man, you loved him (maybe still do), and sometimes things are okay. Except that a) sometimes is not good enough and b) when things are not okay they are horrific.

I am glad to hear that the GP and other agencies are looking out for you and offering support. Now is not the time to worry about what the children may or may not understand as they get older. You are securing their future with you, their mother, away from your H's awful abuse, and that's what counts.

In the coming days and weeks call on the professional to support you - your solicitor, the police, WA. It must feel so daunting to take that step and report your H, but the relief that you have put an end to the abuse for good will be immense.

Look after yourself adorably. Keep busy and avoid spending time alone with H. Sending you strength xx

I wouldn't worry too much about the police. While they need to assess you for risk, they know you're leaving your husband, and, they are not that likely not to take your wishes into account regarding charging him.

If he had beaten you almost to death, and they felt that you going back to him and not pressing charges would endanger your life, then in that situation, if they had sufficient evidence, aiui they could press charges without your co-operation. However, in any sex offence where it's one person's word against another, which is often the case in 'intimate rape', ie rape within a relationship, without you they have no case. You're the sole witness. So the likelihood of them going ahead regardless is fairly small. It's possible they may want to interview him, but if it comes to it, this is all entirely the consequence of his own actions: you have no choice but to protect yourself and follow professional advice.

As regards the idea the that if you'd stood up to him more things would have been better, sadly that is the opposite of the case. If you had been more assertive he would have been more abusive, more controlling, not less and unfortunately it would likely have resulted in more rape. He does not want an assertive, equal wife, he wants a subjugated one. You have seen yourself how standing up to him has panned out in the last few weeks. The relationship would broken down a lot sooner had you done this earlier.

You need to try to detach from the idea that his behaviour is a result of your actions, it's not. He's abusive because he's abusive. You have not caused this and you cannot fix it. You have managed his behaviour the best you can. Has the Freedom Programme been mentioned to you? It would be worth checking that out.

I would take the 'love of my life' line with a pinch of salt. First of all he is simply 'love bombing' you to get you back under control, and he's scared of what you might say regarding the rape. Secondly, I don't think he knows what love is. What he calls love is actually control, selfishness and sexual abuse.

The risk assessment the GP organised may be with social services, or it could be with your local CPN, I don't know precisely what risk she wants assessed. If it is the SS, they will be on your side so you have no need to fear it. Where there is abuse in a relationship with children they need to assess the risk to you and the children. This will be much to your advantage in your divorce, particularly with regard custody.

I understand how how hard this must be for you OP, I want to send you the courage to stay strong, have faith in the professionals around you, all of whom seem to be giving you excellent advice. If you need some support give women's aid a call, or look up a local domestic abuse charity. If you're in London, there are likely support groups in your area.

Let January & the 'weekend' take care of itself for now. A lot can happen between now and then and it may very well be that by January he will be out of the house.

When he refers to you as the 'love of his life' remember what being that entails. Sexual abuse, disrespect, and controlling behaviour. A withering away of your very self. THAT's what it takes to be the 'love of his life'. Not real true love by any means!

The police have your safety and well-being as their primary concern. They aren't going to do anything that will endanger that. Remember that you can ask them questions about procedures and tell them what you want. They will also work with your solicitor to 'time things' for the best for you and the children. I will say that their primary (and your solicitor's) goal will be to get him away from you. If you feel able, let them set the timetable for you. It may be that you are hesitant out of fear or misplaced loyalty and that things can safely progress faster than they are. It may be easier for you to just give up control of the timetable to the experts and let them just 'bring you along for the ride'. Your decision, of course, but do ask them how soon he could be ordered to vacate and compare it to your own mental timetable.

You may be tired of my saying it, but you have done nothing wrong. All you have 'done' is marry the wrong man. And THAT is something that many of us have done (myself included!). But we certainly don't need to pay for that with the rest of our lives.

Remember, when he starts in with the 'courting' type behaviour, that NOTHING he says is said out of 'love'. It is said coldly and calculatingly with the specific purpose of controlling you and gaining his own ends (your submission to his desires, sexual and otherwise).

I hope you've been having an okay weekend adorably, without any more attempts at sexual coercion (or otherwise bad behaviour) by your H.

Also sending you big waves of strength, determination and calmness ahead of your appointment tomorrow. Take care xx

Just wanted to thank you for the support. Went today so it's done. Still not sure how I feel about it, empty and sad tonight. But then I can't see any other way out really. I will have to go back in a few days to check and sign. I was shaking so much I could feel my teeth clatter They asked about the doctors I saw. They said they would review things and talk to me again after. They said they wouldn't do anything without talking to me first and anyway H is away so I am not immediate risk. Solicitor knows I have been and is ready to proceed as soon as I return more paperwork.

With H away at least I don't feel pulled in different directions so much. That's probably why things have lasted so long between us in many ways.

I'm going to try and concentrate on getting on normal life this week between all the appointments that seem to take over and trying to get my head round some proper planning.

Twinklestein Acrossthepond I struggle to think myself as a victim though I know I'm probably quite messed up deep down. I did the online Freedom programme after my first thread after posters mentioned it. It was useful in some ways but the catalogue of abusive situations sort of spooked me even more . I think I now see men as quite scary and that bit of the course was maybe not right for me at the time. Haven't looked into support groups but I think some of it will involve sharing stories, which I don't really want to hear or share. I sort of want to get away from this. Or maybe support groups aren't like that? I am not sure.

Anyway thank you.

It's easy to say, but you really musn't take from this that men in general are scary. They're not. Abusive men are scary but they're a very small minority, and the point of the Freedom Programme and books on abuse is to help you identify the bad apples to avoid them.

Support groups aren't for everyone and I can see that you have so much on your plate, that listening to other peoples' issues may not be what you want right now. Is your GP organising counselling for you? I do to hink you could do with some support of some kind.

I'm sorry about your shakes at the police station, I wonder if it's not just the stress of having to report your husband, but also the trauma of the incident itself coming out. If you were my sister or my friend I'd just want to give you a big unmumsnetty ((((hug)))).

Well done for doing it, even through the chattering teeth! Really courageous of you xx

He may have 'victimized' you, but you don't have to think of yourself as a 'victim', think of yourself as a 'survivor'. It has taken a lot of inner strength to live with what you have been living with. It is taking strength now to get yourself free. But you and your children will be free, and soon.

Right now, just try to deal with getting free. Worry about how you feel about men later. Right now, that's not important. There will be plenty of time then to analyze your feelings and think about what you want as far as any future relationships.

Massively well done adorably! I am applauding your courage and strength. I agree with pp that the shakes at the police station might be the result of the stress of reporting your H as well as re-living the incidents. Go easy on yourself.

I think counselling could be a good support for you. It's a safe space to let out your emotions and conflicting thoughts and try to make sense of it all. Have you spoken to your aunt recently? I'm sure she will be delighted with the progress you've made.

It's great that you have this week with your H being away to attend all your appointments, complete paperwork and do some planning. Please be kind to yourself adorably, you are doing amazingly well.

well done love and it's a good idea to try and enjoy a few normal and more relaxed days whilst he's away, the police aren't going to do anything without your agreement so that gives you some breathing space.

As the others have said, you can "deal" with how you feel about men/everything later (when/if you are ready, and in a way that suits you) but for now just concentrate on getting free.

Sending for later with or to go with it as you prefer. And I don't know about hugs not being allowed on MN (because I'm new and because I never did play by the rules ), so here's a big one anyway (((hug))).

xx

Thanks
I was referred for counselling when I first told the GP a few weeks ago now. I was contacted for an initial appointment last week. There's quite a waiting list apparently. It'll be in January now as I couldn't do the date they offered in December. I am unsure about it at this moment in time. The less I say the better I cope at the moment ... I have numbers for organisations too but haven't contacted anyone.
No I haven't told my aunt what happened the other week. I can't bring myself to tell her over the phone. She knows I have seen a solicitor to start a divorce and broadly knows the reasons why and that I am unhappy. She says she will come for a week or so and to ask. She has her own grown up children coming for Christmas so she won't be travelling then. But before or after she can come though tickets will be extremely pricey or everything booked up if it's too close to Christmas or New Year. I don't even know what we are doing really... Tickets are booked for us to travel with H to my country for a few days but if divorce is started then the children and I may not even get to go so really everything is up in the air. I think I have to prepare to deal with things by myself and if she comes then fine. Ideally I wanted her to be there for when/after H receives the papers/orders but that might not be possible.

Hi I hope you are ok. Have you planned for where you/ he will go when you do serve the divorce papers on him? Am worried about how he will react from what you have told us about him..,

We will be applying for non-molestation and occupation orders. The solicitor has said it will be an order without notice. Having my aunt was for moral support.

Has your solicitor given you a time line yet with regards to the orders and divorce papers being served? It sounds like your aunt would be a fantastic moral support, and if it is financially viable for her to come I'd say go for it (as soon as you have the dates). Especially since you don't know if you'll be able to travel to your country for Christmas.

Awake yes she has. They could be served before Christmas if I can get the outstanding documents to the solicitors soon. Evidence needs to be given for one of the orders at least.

It's just trying to weigh the pros and cons of before and after. Stupidly as soon as H is not around I think I can wait, maybe it would be easier to wait after Christmas, but then as soon as he is back things will be stressful again and I will see I have made a massive mistake. At the moment the plan is Christmas at his family and then after we go to mine. So if papers are served before I am not sure what will happen to the children's Xmas day. Maybe it'll just work itself out and I need to stop overthinking everything.

Just remember that whatever happens at Christmas can be made into and adventure for your kids - they will be fine, it's you you should be concerned about.

I would go for asap, preferably before Christmas. I think that he can sense the change in you and might put lots of pressure on you to return to obedient adorably to live up to his ideal of a happy family over the festive season.

Whenever it happens it will upset your children, how long they are unsettled is going to depend on how he behaves. You are not the baddy here, it is not you that has made it impossible for the marriage to continue. What you are doing is the best for you and your children and you are the people that matter.

Hi adorably. I can see where you are coming from with Christmas Day. The kids will be fine though. Waiting until after Christmas sounds like hell to be honest. Just imagine your H's idea of a Christmas "present"...

Christmas could be the beginning of the rest of your life. There is no better Christmas present you could give to yourself and to the children I think.

I think it's like most things we're afraid of. Best done soon and quickly! Dragging it out isn't helping you a bit. It's just more of a drag on your spirit. Get it done, get him out, and have a nice, quiet holiday, you and your children. Their Christmas Day will be fine. They are children and you will be there with them. If you don't get to go to your family this year, so be it. There will be other times for that and it's more important that you get away from him.

I know it's easy to forget his behaviour when he isn't right in front of you. But when you think it'll be OK to wait, remember the incident that sent you to the doctor. There is no assurance that it won't happen again, or maybe even worse next time.

I think that just for once you need to think about you and you only...

the children will manage if Christmas Day is a bit unusual this year, but are you going to manage if he's all over you and playing perfect husband in front of other people...no you're not, you're going to feel disgusted and nervous and having to keep up a huge pretence...

I was also thinking about your earlier post about how you get on well with his sister and his mum and that you will "lose" a lot of people by doing what you need to do. I wouldn't be too sure about that, they are women too, and when they know the reasons why you have had to take this very drastic step - especially when they know what happened recently - you may find that although they are initially very shocked, they are likely to be horrified at his behaviour. And no, you don't have to protect him by not telling them. As you are so close you may find that they already have a feeling that something is wrong, even that they have known for some time and do not care for the way he treats you.

After Christmas, and thus realistically after New Year as well, is seven long weeks away; seven weeks when you have to put up with his demands, especially if he won't be away working over the holidays. I agree with the other girls - get the papers served as soon as possible and then there is still time to sort something nice out for the children for Christmas Day and then it'll be an adventure even if it isn't what they're expecting.

You know how peaceful it is whilst he's away at the moment...it could be like that every day. Just jump love, get out of there.