Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

"I suspect it was 'I expected educated enlightened people to understand how different and special our affair was and agree with me that it's all that evil wife's fault'"

yep, that's it I think.

It's to do with the wanting to be "cool girl" thing that has the OP inviting all and sundry to come trampling over her boundaries; and internalised misogyny.

Something like:

"most women are stupid, and sheep-like, want to stick to outdated and boring conventions like monogamy. especially those who are too silly to have careers and just do things like bring up children. I know, I will ask mn-ers, some of whom once had jobs! - so they will be clever, (like men) think women's usual boundaries are silly, and they will tell me they understand, and I should run into his arms."

We are all clever and worldly on here. That's why we want you to stick to your original decision and shut this down.

Seriously, sorry to keep banging on about this, but you must get over this thing about buying into all the hateful things a misogynist media say about women who set the boundaries they need to keep themselves happy ("those women who control everything", women who want to spend family money, or choose how often they have sex with their husbands, etc )

I used to be like you. I had a string of abusive relationships when I was determined to be the "cool girl" and like a fool I let men tell me how awful their exes were and how I was better because I didn't get "hung up" on x, y, z.

I'm 42 now. I wish someone had told me all this when I was 22.

This is much more than whether you let this particular man finagle himself back into your life. You have a lot of attitudes which will cause you hurt.

He has told me he will divorce her on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He is a partner at a City law firm so yes is solvent but has a lot of financial responsibilities. He is not planning to throw her out but will purchase a more modest house is a less expensive area. I don't wish to name areas of London for privacy's sake.

My flat I own myself so there's no option of him moving in with me. That just isn't happening.

Why are you still talking to him?

What unreasonable behaviour???
He's the one who cheated. You can't divorce on the grounds of your own cheating. Anyway, good luck to you. You win the prize! I wish you much joy of him.

Well op I think that just leaves one thing left to be said.

Anything that happens, from this point forward, you have brought on yourself.

Good luck. And do have fun being the evil wicked step mother who hates his kids, never sleeps with him, he has his own room you know....

Come off it OP he'll be nestled in between your bosom in a few hours with a smile on his face and you know it.

None of this is going to pan put the way he wants.. They are married and he can't just turf her put the way he's thinking and shame on you for thinking it's perfectly fine.

Unbelievable!

You still haven't told us how you can believe anything this man says, after the number of lies he has told you, his wife and his children.

He doesn't get to announce he is downsizing her into a new area, the courts will come up with an arrangement that is in the best interests of the children. He also doesn't get to divorce her for unreasonable behaviour when he has spent the last 9 months lying, cheating, putting her sexual health at risk and spending family money on his affair. He isn't in charge here.

He will divorce her on grounds of unreasonable behaviour... He is not planning to throw her out

He sounds divine.

Seriously, he sounds like a selfish crapweasel. Is that really what you aspire to in a partner?

If you get together, you'll be a step mum. Alternate weekends and some holidays.

And this with a man who lied to you about something fundamental about his life for 9 months.
I hope your mother knocks some sense into you.

It appears op refuses to answer the difficult questions. Either those brought up by strangers on a thread or the ones her own intelligence must be screaming at her.

Head, meet desk.

He can't throw her out whether he's planning to or not.

SHE HAS RIGHTS.

Don't be surprised if your prize of a man finds himself out of pocket.

If the court decides not to uproot those children then he'll be straight in your flat.

You're not stupid OP and yes it is embarassing to be hoodwinked and yes I would wait for him to disentangle himself from his marriage if thats what he really wants.

Like it or not, people are allowed to leave relationships which make them unhappy. It doesn;t really much matter who divorces who and why - we have no fault divorce in this country.

But

He wasn't honest with you and he cheated on his wife and thats going to be hard to overcome so I would wait as you are doing for evidence that he is really splitting, for evidence that its really you he wants not just someone so he isn;t on his own and that you won't be replaced by the next person.

He didn;t quite love you enough to marry you before, are you so sure thats changed?

OP, if he had not been busted, how long would he have strung you along with his lies.

I had an ex once who turned out to be engaged. I know the shock you feel, especially when you could never fathom treating someone the way he has treated you. Maybe you are telling yourself you must have been worth it to risk his family. Maybe he had every intention of playing you along for as long as you didnt ask tyoo many questions.

He lied to your face for 9 months. That in itself is extraordinaty. 9 months!!!

And the only reason he came clean was because his hand had been forced. Remember that.

OK. So you believe everything he says, you love him, and you want to be with him.

Here's what you do. Give the man a chance to end his marriage decently, honourably. Withdraw. Let him focus on doing this bit right. He will sort out the divorce, the living arrangements, the child maintenance, the access. He will want to be as present in his children's lives as he can be and he will be working towards all the logistical, legal and financial stuff that this entails, while also recognising that his wife trashed her potential career looking after his dependents and making suitable arrangements for her.

So. Let all that happen, let him do that with his full concentration, and do now allow your presence in the background to be something that his wife and children will always wonder about.

Meantime... you are busy, you have a career, friends, etc. You can develop a mn habit . just don't contact him, don't see him, don't take his calls for a good 6 months at least.

Then see how he is fixed and if by then he is a genuinely single man, maybe you can consider dating him.
If you do consider it - ask yourself how you fancy being a step-mother.

This is the only way.

Unreasonable behaviour is normally drinking , violence , abuse , cheating etc and if she is how he says can you see her accepting that if he's admitted to cheating ?

It's easy for us to see as we are not the ones going through it ,I think you really need real life support from friends and family and to stay away from mm until you are stronger & put things into perspective .

What would you say to your best friend or sister if they came to you saying that a man had done this to them ?

He is not the sole owner of the house they are married. He night be the only person on the deeds but half if the house is hers. She will most likely to be able to stay in the house with the little ones if he earns a lot and can afford other lodgings.

I hope he hasn't been abusing her financially (he sounds creepy fromwhat you report) and she gets a really good shit hot lawyer.

He doesn't get to announce he is downsizing her into a new area, the courts will come up with an arrangement that is in the best interests of the children

Will the courts also pay the excess if he decides he is not going to pay for a large family home?

Or... He hasn't actually lied and you knew all along he was actually married.

So basically he is still lying to you,

He could be made to keep her in the house until the youngest child reaches 18.

I hope she gets herself a damn good lawyer.

Degree. Doing Masters. Aiming for PhD and work FT.

Anyone else on here rooting for for the wife? Jesus, what a complete cunt you have found OP. I hope she takes him to the cleaners.

And OP. If you're still reading. What sort of a dick keeps only himself on the deeds of the family home and doesn't make his wife a joint owner? Ask yourself that before you hitch your wagon to his star.