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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

466 replies

Greene1 · 08/09/2014 10:57

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

OP posts:
Nikinakin00 · 08/09/2014 19:16

Oldfarticus - me! Both women have been duped.
And we don't know if she was 'made' to stay home... In a 'they're your kids, you look after them' kinda way.
She must be In a panic right now.

Romeyroo · 08/09/2014 19:19

Hahahahaha, he will divorce her for unreasonable behaviour... Jesus wept, I hope he is laughed out of court. He sounds charming, OP. He is going to a public hatchet job on his wife, rather than let her petition on the grounds of adultery. If she was so unreasonable, why did he stay??

And for a lawyer, he is pretty dim on fundamental aspects of the law.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 08/09/2014 19:20

I am open mouthed at your last sentence. YOu should double lock and barricade the door in case he separates soon.

THe man is a prize prick. Leave well alone.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/09/2014 19:20

I wonder if she is one of the many women on MN who have posted that they just found out her husband has been cheating on her.....

AuntieStella · 08/09/2014 19:22

If he's a lawyer, then he will know that "not planning to throw her out but will purchase a more modest house is a less expensive area" is no more than an opening offer in mediation. And also that what he told you before anout being sole owner is utter bullshit.

Yes, he's still bullshitting you OP. hHe is counting on you being unfamilair with the divorce process, and trying to hoodwink you into seeing him as Mr Nice Guy. Something which he really does not come across from what you describe, even though you seem to be deperate to believe in him.

OddFodd · 08/09/2014 19:24

I'm calling bullshit now and I know this will be deleted for that reason. But no partner in a magic circle firm would have such a hazy idea of divorce law.

FelicityGubbins · 08/09/2014 19:26

Why didn't he tell you on Saturday night when he told you he was married, that he had told his wife it was over between them and would be spending the night in a hotel?

Romeyroo · 08/09/2014 19:28

I hope it is bullshit OddFodd

ClaudetteWyms · 08/09/2014 19:30

I agree with OddFodd above.

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/09/2014 19:31

You can't divorce someone on the basis of your own unreasonable behaviour! Arf.

Even if he does actually divorce his wife (I strongly suspect it'll be her that divorces him and the grounds will be adultery), you should run far away from him. Unless you want him giving a similarly inaccurate picture of you to his new mistress once you're his official partner, of course.

Frontier · 08/09/2014 19:31

Hmm. I'm beginning to wonder if this could be the wife posting, a kind of how did the OW fall for it post?

That said, love does very strange things to lots of people. It is possible OP does believe all this.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 08/09/2014 19:33

He's a partner in a law firm? Shock

That's rather unsettling. I would have hoped that a lawyer would be rather better at honesty. Confused

I will be a lone voice in the wilderness and say that perhaps his marriage is shit. Perhaps he really hasn't had any sex with his wife in over a year (although that's not a very long time in my book.) Perhaps she has pressured him to buy too big a house and take on too much financial commitment. Perhaps she did threaten to harm herself if he left, etc., etc. Perhaps he's stayed because his children are very small, he feels guilty, he wants to be in a better place financially before he breaks the whole thing up.

What difference does any of that make? Even if all that were true, (and I've no doubt at least some of it is, at least in his mind) why should you feel any better about him because of all that? It doesn't change the fact that he's lied to you and tricked you and pretended to be a totally different person for nine whole months. He's denied the existence of two small children for nine whole months. What kind of a man can do that?

He chose to spin a very complicated web of deception and he's been in it for the long haul. He's been a career liar and a career cheat. An unhappy man would have confided in you, bore his soul to you, begged you to stay until he sorted it all out. Not this one, no, he can't be bothered with all that, he just invents himself a totally different background. If he leaves her to come to you, you will always wonder

a) if he's only with you because he got caught out and had no choice.

b) if you can ever trust him or believe a thing he says.

Who wants to live like that?

Original poster
Greene1 · 08/09/2014 19:35

This is what he has told me. He said that she purposely excluded him from the family and expected him to finance them whilst ignoring him and refusing to seek therapy.

He is willing to offer her a generous settlement and a buy a new smaller house if he can leave the marriage.

I can reassure you that this is something that is happening to me not a lie.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/09/2014 19:39

He really sounds generous and honest.

PhD and not on a career break.

One of those sentences is a lie.

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/09/2014 19:39

It's something that is happening to him OP.

From your perspective, you've found out that your boyfriend is a liar and a cheat so you've dumped him. What his divorce plans are (and I bet hers are different) are his problem. You don't need to make them yours.

OddFodd · 08/09/2014 19:39

So if all this is true, why the fuck didn't he tell you before?

And why aren't you asking any questions you're being asked, just drip-feeding another hole in his wife's personality?

I don't believe that you could be this stupid frankly

Frontier · 08/09/2014 19:40

I suspect his idea of generous and hers might be very different but even if all this is true and correct, why one earth would you want to be with someone who has lied to you so easily for 9 months?

The person he created and the life you've been living during those months doesn't exist. The real man has been cheating, lying and denying his children.

Nikinakin00 · 08/09/2014 19:40

Green1 do you believe him when he says all of thee things about his wife?
How can you justify his lies?

Will you see him tonight?

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/09/2014 19:41

And I'd bet her definition of 'generous' differs markedly from his. The court will probably not agree with him either.

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/09/2014 19:45

His marriage really makes no difference to you, OP. It would be far healthier for you to simply delete his emails and ignore all the bollocks information he's feeding you,

The fact is, the man you though was your boyfriend has been cheating on you. From where you stand, it makes no difference that the cheating was actually marriage and children. He told you he was single and started dating you on that basis. He is a liar and a cheat.

Makes no difference is his wife is a proper cartoon villain or not. He was happy to string you along for 9 months. You should be far more angry than you are.

Original poster
Greene1 · 08/09/2014 19:46

No I'm not planning on seeing him tonight.

I am meeting some friends at a restaurant near my flat at 8 to tell them that my reconciliation with X has actually been a complete lie and a sham.

Thank you again for the advice.

Yes I really was that naive because I desperately wanted him back in my life and for it to work this time. And as somebody else posted he has every right to finish a relationship that he has been unhappy in. That's his issue to deal with but he's not obliged to stay.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/09/2014 19:46

He didn't love you enough the first time around and IMO you are interesting to him now because you are more exciting than his wife and children.

I also strongly disagree with you when you say marriage an babies result in no sex. A lack of it maybe but rarely is there no sex.

I think the worst thing here is that you are considering giving him a chance if he gets divorced etc

Do you really believe that your anger at what he has done to you over the last nine months will not resurface? Oh it will. Big time. How will you deal with that? At the moment you are probably feeling quite desperate for him (which tbf is understandable). But you have to look at the bigger picture.

I suppose you have also told yourself that it's ok if he ends his marriage because his wife will be happier without him (since he told you how unhappy she was) but that is rarely the case, often wives come on here and they have had no prior warning that anything was wrong in their marriage, they were happy, their dh was happy etc

You ought to consider that he had to confess his crimes because of the fact you were caught. In turn she gave him the boot.

Please turn your back on this whole thing. I strongly doubt it's your happy ending. This man has issues and they will soon become yours.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/09/2014 19:47

Why are you still talking to him?

Quitelikely · 08/09/2014 19:48

I suppose it will be interesting to see what happens if you refuse to have him back...........he will probably go begging to his wife

CalamitouslyWrong · 08/09/2014 19:50

But OP, he didn't finish a relationship he's been unhappy in. He was caught cheating and the aftermath of that appears to be the end of his marriage. Given he hadn't ended it before, it's very likely that he didn't actually end it now.

I understand you want to think the best of him, because that means you weren't taken in by a total fuckwit. But the evidence screams that he is, in fact, a complete fuckwit.

Hopefully your friends will help you to see that.