Have discovered that the man I've been dating is actually married! Any advice?

[Greene1]

I haven't posted here before and wondered if I could ask some advice. I'm sorry but this is long.

I am completely devastated as on Friday the man I have been dating for 9 months confessed that he is already married and has children. I don't think he was actually going to tell me but a chance encountered forced him to.

Some background. We dated back in my mid twenties, very happy, passionate fun relationship and we were together for nearly 2 years. Kept our own flats but he was reluctant to commit as he felt he was too young. We split amicably but I was very hurt and took me ages to forget him and he told me later that he was moving abroad. I moved on too dated and then was in a long term relationship which finished at the beginning of last year.

On Christmas Eve 2013 I received a message out of the blue from married man. Very friendly wishing me a happy Christmas and asking what I had been up to. He told me he was living back in the UK working in town and was single after a relationship he was in had finished. Said he wished he was spending Christmas with me and that he had always viewed me as 'the one that got away'. I'll admit I was hugely flattered.

I was abroad for New Year and when I got back we arranged to meet for a coffee and a catch up. I'll admit I was wary as obviously I wasn't 100% sure of his status and obviously I am fully aware that some married men are looking for affairs!

When we met up the attraction was still there in spades I naively thought that the time would have muted the feeling but I was still hugely attracted to him and him to me. We had a kiss then and he asked me to dinner later in the week. There was at no time any indication that he was married and he wasn't wearing a ring. I was excited and exhilarated to have him back in my life and we started a very intense and passionate relationship seeing each other after work and he coming over to my flat at weekends. Maybe that's when the alarm bells should have rung as sometimes he would come over only on Sunday afternoon or would make an excuse that he had an early flight and had to leave that night not staying over. However I was happy to have him in my life and realised that he's a very busy guy, as am I!

We had a great summer I had already booked a girlie holiday late last year with friends so we didn't go on a 'big holiday' together but we spent some lovely nights away at hotels.

On Friday we had supper after work outside of a lovely restaurant and we were discussing going away for the weekend in October to Barcelona. He was telling me about a fabulous hotel he had stayed at with work and i felt excited and happy. I invited him to my parents for Christmas in the country which feels so ridiculous now I want to cry. As we were walking back to the train station holding hands we bumped into 2 ladies who I assumed were work colleagues. He introduced me to them as a his 'friend' and they seemed strangely off with me as we walked away he got very agitated saying that he wasn't expecting to see them and that it made things 'complicated'. He then looked really stressed and worried saying that he had to go and he would call me soon. He left me standing in the street completely perplexed and horrified that something was seriously wrong.

He telephoned me on Saturday night to say that he was married with 2 young children. He said that his marriage was over and he and his wife hadn't had sex for more than a year. He said that he had been patient and understanding with her but she refused to talk about it and see a sex therapist and had expected him to become celibate just because she had. He also said he had tried to organise weekends away child-free and helped out with housework but nothing seemed good enough or made her happy. He said she was exhausting to live with and seeing me again made him realise that their marriage was a mistake. I told him not to ring me again to sort out his marriage and not to prop his life up by using me.

He text me several times which I have deleted and have now blocked his mobile number. I have been a complete mess since he confessed and now don't know whether to tell his wife what has been going on or whether I should walk away and not get involved. I'm also wondering whether I should leave the door open if he separates soon.

Wouldn't be the least bit surprised if your family have noticed a few irregularities in the " relationship".
I pray they will give you lot's of support and hand holding.

How Do you know he has lots of money?

Have you actually seen his bank account?

I'm still not sure what qualifications are needed for this thread but I'm going to try again:

She's kicked him out because he got caught.

He is now going to try and crash at yours because - sex.

He will be trying desperately to get back with her because, regardless of who paid for the house, it is a marital asset and as such is hers too.

You are being a total mug to even have contact, though, I suspect, willingly.

And finally, if I'm completely wrong and you are desperately in love, get ready to fit some children into that child-free lifestyle of yours.

"He has plenty of money to stay at a hotel."

The mortgage isn't that crippling then.

Or perhaps another indicator that he lies?

Really, OP, your first instinct to bin him and walk away was spot on.

None of us know if his wife chucked him out. She may have told him to leave but unless she forcibly pushed him out the door and sat with her back to it all night, he could of gone back home if he wanted to.

I feel for you, OP. It is obvious you want to believe this man, but look at the facts. For 9 MONTHS he lied to you and this isnt a little white lie - it is HUGE.

Maybe his wife didnt sleep with him anymore. Plenty of threads on here about women not wanting to have sex with their partners. Only he and she know the truth on that score.

I dont know how you could ever trust him again after this. In my opinion, if he had any real thoughts of a future with you, he would have come clean about his situation ASAP.

I'm sorry.

He has a crippling mortgage but plenty of money for a hotel. Can you have both?

That "plenty of money" may well soon evaporate. Hope he had more going for him than that. Of course he could just have told her he was away on business so is getting you sweet before he drops a bombshell.

Greene - why are you believing a single word he says? He has lied to you, to his wife and to his children - many, many lies - as I said earlier - I woild not even trust him if he told me it was raining - I would go and check.

And what about the point that a previous poster made - if you take him back, you will end up as step mum to his children - this WILL change your life.

And think, for a moment about his children. They are completely innocent in all of this, but their father has lied to them, destroyed their family and their security, and wants to move them out of their home. Why would you want to be with someone who is so morally bankrupt they can do this to children?

Wife must be distraught; two little ones to care for and who knows another on the way?
OP, try and imagine being that person right now.
We're not blaming you; just asking you to consider that however much you are hurting she must be hurting more.

Yes Walter I'm not entirely sure what the bit about education of posters was about.

I suspect it was 'I expected educated enlightened people to understand how different and special our affair was and agree with me that it's all that evil wife's fault'

Op some of the wisest people I know are educated, some of them haven't a scrap of paper to their name. Makes their advice no less relevant.

And I'm afraid my rather intellectually challenged dog would manage to see the truth to this man through your posts. I can't imagine why you thought we wouldn't?

I understand how difficult it is to come to terms with realising how wrong you were about someone, but surely the fact there has not been one response on this thread that has said 'yeah sounds like it might work out' say something to you?

Op , I understand that you aren't going to listen to anyone at this point. You are still being ruled by your heart (I didn't listen to my absolute best friend for months so why would you listen to strangers). But I promise you that you will get over him, and the day that realisation hits you, you will look back and have a chuckle about all those people who you thought didn't understand.

I have to speak to the ex ( can I even call him that??) every single day because of work and can hand on heart say I feel nothing anymore. He is scum, he doesn't deserve his wife who I should imagine is the complete opposite to how he portrayed her. You will get over him, you just need to go NC and not let him into your head.

He doesn't want to you be his partner, if he did he would be with you and not his wife right now. Do not let him have his cake and eat it.

But ultimately you are the only one to decide when you have had enough, but be prepared for a few more kicks in the teeth before you get there. M

Good luck OP.

The children aren't going to be thrown on the street... just moved to a smaller home from what I read. The wife shouldnt expect that following a separation she can stay in the same home. Let's be realistic. That isn't what makes him morally bankrupt.

What makes him morally bankrupt is the lies he told and the deception of two women and two children.

They are going to be uprooted from their home. Moving house is a stressful experience even when it is done from choice - having your family fall apart and then having to leave the security of your own home, when you are being forced to do so - how hurtful, stressful and traumatic will that be for the children?

Fontanella makes a very good point about you being made the catalyst for change, OP.

Another old chestnut is 'I'll leave my wife for you.' It puts all the responsibility on you. Hell of a weight to bear. If it happens, then by God you'd better be the perfect girlfriend. Because he left his wife for you. And if it doesn't work out - well, guess whose fault it's going to be that he has neither wife nor girlfriend nor family home nor full-time access to his kids.

He needs to leave his wife for him, if he's going to do it.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but he is a lying cheating idiot!

How do you know he sleeps in spare room? Do you believe everything he's told you?

Run, run as far as possible, he will not change and will do the same to you if you let him in again

Take care, you deserve better x

.....which he really doesn't want to or he would have done so earlier.

If he's admitted to cheating with you then his wife can divorce him using adultery as her grounds for it .

Considering how awful he says she's been to him that's very generous of him accepting the responsibility for the end of their relationship !!

I'm glad to hear you are talking to your mum tonight , her support is what you need now .x

I'm inclined to agree blue.

The fact that he tried to get away with keeping his marriage secret from the OP supports the idea.

I normally shy away from making statements about motivation on these kind of threads, but I have to say this does not sound promising.

Oh and don't tell his wife, it's not her fault is it.

If you do he will come to you and expect you to take him in 'as he's free' now!

I'm not saying it isnt distressing for children, not at all. But it is reality when parents separate. And if this marriage is not working and over, some things are going to happen and moving house is one of them.

The family are not going to be turfed onto the street and forced to live in hostels... let's keep this real.

I moved a good bit as a child. It was tough changing schools etc, in fact making friends was the worst of it when I had to change schools (if that would even be the case for these children).

When people separate, lives change for everyone. People expect to have the same lives when the separate. If this guy wants to leave the marriage, he has every right to. I am not condoning his behaviour - it has been appalling - but moving home is often part and parcel of a split.

Ah. He's going to sell the family home and buy his wife a nice but smaller one for her and DC and everyone will live happily ever after.

I thought you said he was intelligent? It's not "his" house to sell, the family will cost him money for years, you will end up sharing the parenting of his DC whether you like it or not and then, when you are worn out from it, he will do the same thing to you.

His family has just fallen apart, his children must be distraught but the only thing he can think of is coming over to yours to "talk"

I don't like how Greene1 is being called stupid, she is in love and is desperately trying to figure it all out.
Unfortunately, some people have the ability to turn off and move on. So e of us don't.
OP... Talk to your mum, she will be the best friend you could ask for right now.

And I agree that it's definitely not the wife's fault.
Her family has just been broken up, she must be in a terrible state too.

So he scurried home to try to undo the damage, she's decided to kick him out. He tried to convince her black was white all weekend, but she's having none of it. So now he thinks you might be willing to put up with him and listen to his tale of woe (that has little in common with the reality) while he keeps trying to get back in with the wife under the guise of 'seeing his kids' (who he claims he didn't want anyway).

OP: you want to believe him, but it's highly unlikely that what he tells you and the truth are in any way related to each other.

Please don't let him anywhere near you until he is divorced. if he actually gets divorced
He thinks he can tell his wife he's had an affair and skip merrily off to you? How dare he. He's shat all over his wife and children and he owes it to them to stick around and untangle the mess he's made. I'm not talking about sticking around physically, but he has to focus on having a respectful divorce rather than jumping right to phase two with you.
I highly doubt that they will get divorced, most couples don't.