Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Found another bill that he's cancelled from 15th Aug and he's took the credit. That money came from the joint account. What an arse hole.

He continues to show you what he really is OP and clearly is showing little or no guilt. You can now fight him with gloves off. There is no need for any guilt on your part. Get as much out of him as you possibly can, and do not forget that juicy pension. Im sure your solicitor wont!

Hes helping you get angry and thats good!

If you're bored and want something to do, start a spreadsheet. List all the bills he has cancelled and credits he has received that would have gone into the joint account.

Then go through the banking and identify spends he has made that would have been with her (you said you'd started doing, which is why I suggested it).

Might be interesting to sit down and put a figure on it so far, and is also something you can show your solicitor and the bank. Oh, and if you do end up reporting him for harassment or generally being a twat, you can show that as well!

OP, hang in there. You are doing brilliantly in totally forced upon you circumstances and you will win. Listen to the excellent advice on here as you are doing, just because stbxh is police, don't feel any extra stress about this because as it's already been pointed out, domestic abuse is very very a hot topic with police forces and would be viewed extremely dimly by boss own. I'd be questioning if he is an AFO, is he in the right frame of mind to even be carrying at the moment?
Don't be bullied, he can't have it both ways. Keep going lovely X

Boss own? His own even!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your solicitor can get you some money back.

This is why having a joint account is the worst possible thing when couples split up.

I hope those who advocate joint accounts are taking note here.

After him canceling the utillities etc on the house where his children lived he sent me a text late last night telling me he was going to come round and take them out to breakfast.

My solicitor has advised me that he has to prearrange contact and not just drop down when he wants. Especially as he's filled a domestic violence report against me. He's coming no where near me. So I told him no he couldn't see the children as it was too late notice and we had arranged to go out (which we had). But he kept persisting that he had the right to take them. F bastard.

He then started texting me this morning saying about breakfast again. Is he completely stupid. He then suggested that he would come round and take us all out to look at a car that he had seen! wtf!

He can't be bothered to see the children all week, then thinks he can come and go as he likes and thinks that I will drop everything because he want us too. Well he can f off.

I bet he starts texting/ringing my daughter soon and says that mummy is stopping him from seeing her.

Can't wait for my solicitors letters to drop on his mat.

I had a really bad day yesterday crying most of the time and then being furious because of him mucking the bills up.

He can only see himself and her - his kids don't come into the picture. Sometimes I wish he would just leave us all alone to get over this without him. Although everybody says that he will eventually keep letting the kids down and they will see what he's like. I would just like it to be sooner rather than later.

WhyMe I am going to be frank with you (bear with me)

HE has RIGHTS. YOU need to remember THAT or he WILL enforce them.

And by doing so, he may discover that you have rights and so do your children. He may not.

And, then again, HE may discern that your rights, and those of HIS children, are of less importance of than HIS rights.

You are divorcing a twat. Remember the children's needs first, your needs second and leave him to spout shite about his rights.

Keep crying until you stop naturally. Nothing to be ashamed of about that.

It will be okay, but it's bloody stressful. I realise now, looking back, I took NSTBXH at his word when he kept telling my solicitor what I would get. Turns out that was his fuckwittery controlling my common sense.

The financially starving period is just him exercising his ever diminishing power. The worm does turn eventually. Hang on in there.

Stand firm. You are totally right-he is taking the piss thinking he can come and go as he pleases, with no prior arrangement.
Also, I am getting the feeling that, rather than being in love with another woman, this particular cockwomble is in love with his car!
OK, so solicitor sorted, Tax credits getting sorted. You are on the path to freedom, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and show no mercy.

Oh, as a totally irrelevant aside-I reckon VW Golf's a fine family car, but of course you get whatever you fancy!

I have an elderly Fiat, so a Golf would be quite a step up!

Had a really bad day again...went to parents and ended up hiding in bedroom crying all day while they entertained the kids.

I know he's a twat but he was my twat for a long time and I've never experienced grief like this. It's soooo painful and I'm trying hard to carry on but it's overwhelming.

I had a Merc before he traded it in for the Audi and a rather large dog that will look like a huge window sticker in a Golf. She will have to be bent double to get her in!

He used to kick the dog as well when he was angry or even when she was just sitting by the door in the way. At least she's better off now he's gone.

I don't think he's ever going to love something as much as he loves himself and his own opinion. He's shown no compassion to me or the children.

Every time you reveal something else about his ugly nasty nature, I feel relieved that he has gone. I know you've spent the day in an agony of tears and heartbreak but truly. He was cruel to the dog and he's being cruel to you now. Have you frozen that bloody a/c yet?? Every day he's screwing with it; this can't be allowed to continue. He isn't going to have an epiphany and realise how awful and wrong he's being.

Your last post actually shows how well you know him.

I don't think he's ever going to love something as much as he loves himself and his own opinion. He's shown no compassion to me or the children.

He used to kick the dog as well when he was angry or even when she was just sitting by the door in the way.

This is a real worry why. It's an indicator of a lack of boundaries regarding violence and objectification of a living creature. The police would be interested in adding that to their records as there is some indication that violence towards an animal can escalate to violence towards a person. I think this is of the utmost importance when considering the children's relationship with their father in the future.

Oh god, this arse wasn't just a dick-led idiot was he? He was properly abusive. Kicking the dog !? I know how hard it is to let go of the dream; the man you thought you had in the beginning. I really do, trust me. But if you really think back I am betting that there will be other things that jar with that image of the good provider/good dad/ Stand up guy. One of the worst things about letting a man like this go , mentally, is coming to terms with the fact that you were, in some ways, deluding yourself. Please don't think I am having a go. I have been in that position- having to come to terms with the reality, rather than the fantasy. It's a very, very painful process but also necessary and essential in order for you to move forward. I know you are in bits, but honestly I am glad for you that soon you will be free of him.

His excuse with the dog was that she needed a firm hand! Felt like he treated me like the the dog in the end.

Been reading the 'Runaway Husband' tonight and it fits him like a glove.
He was the perfect husband to outsiders - always charming, and looking after 'his girls'. Just that when 'his girls' needed him most he pissed off. Plus I do remember him saying 'it's my house I'll do what I like'.

If only there was a magic wand to wave and move me forward a few years.

I know he's a twat but he was my twat for a long time

You're remembering the best bits of him, and you're looking at your life, and that of your children, and just trying to square up the best of him with what he's walked away from. And then his on-going nasty behaviour just rubs salt in the wound.

From where you are standing, it is just unfathomable. So you're in that stage where you just want to make sense of the nonsensical.

The whole process means you turn on yourself, and start self-flagellating. Try not to to do this.

But, also do NOT let anyone tell you right now 'he's not worth it', or put yourself under pressure to 'hurry up and get over it'. Cry your bloody heart as much as you can - and don't be ashamed of it. Your life, and those of your children, has irrevocably changed. It doesn't mean it will be bad forever, though. It's just going to take a lot of time (but not years, as you currently think).

The thing that I'm a teeny bit resentful of [in real life, not because of MNetters] is that if NSTBXH had died, no one would be giving me a hard time for falling apart for a while. But because he left, and has behaved despicably since (just like yours), I'm suppose to go 'oh, well he's a fucker'. He IS a fucker, but it takes time to accept you believed in the best of them (and they do have some great qualities), and ignored the worst.

It is impossible not to take it personally.

Eventually, you stop feeling like a failure, and start remembering that he chose to runaway. It was the most liberating thing he could do for you.

Take care.

Oh absolutely, I agree with that WellWhoKnew.
Of course there has to be a period of time when you feel just crushed, and it is so painful.
There is a saying "the only way out is through" and never was that more apt than when your husband turns out to be a lying cheating scumbag.
That wasn't what you signed up for OP, you took vows, your heart is broken, and it will take time to mend, so do whatever it takes to get through this time. Don't forget to eat, be kind to yourself, take help where offered.
I promise though, you WILL feel better than you do now within six months. Maybe not great, but better. And in a year, a little better still, and so on.

And forget about the Golf. You deserve a Merc. Better still, get SHL on the case and get the Audi.

You'll never guess what he's done now...

He sent me a text at 6.30 this morning asking to see my eldest daughter only on 25th and 26th October. I didn't reply straight away as I had the school run to do. Anyway the next text I get is to say that he "bought you a VW Golf. i will get it to you Wed evening.It's a nice drive, and big enough". Wtf!

I was soooo angry I rang him and told him to take it back then he got nasty and accused me of leaving him with no money, not letting him see the girls, being unreasonable (and that's the polite version). I called him all the names under the son including a controlling son of a b***. He said that his solicitor said that he could get me the car and I said if he came anywhere near me I'd get an injunction.

He even said that he knew we hadn't gone out yesterday until after 12 so I wasn't letting him see the girls. I told him that the reason was that my eldest was still upset after having a bad night on Saturday and crying because of what he has done to us.

He said that he would get his solicitor on to me. Especially about me withholding my wages from him. The only reason I took my wages out of the joint account was because he said he would remove his so I got there first.

He is trying to control me all the way through this. I'am not having it so just waiting for my solicitor to ring me.

What an absolute a hole. And before his text/call I had been sitting crying over him!

These days I can believe anything.

Except sentences that begin 'He'.

He said, he said, he said...

If you ignore, he can say what he likes. Unless he consults, you are under no obligation to agree. Let him be the master of his universe. You keep walking on planet earth.

His solicitor, if he gets involved at all, will send you a letter. They like to do this on a Friday. One of the things that we all have to adjust to is that good solicitors are very busy people - they 'don't' do rapid response except in an emergency.

Treat them like 'staff' and they'll behave like them. Honestly, they don't wish to do our bidding, they wish to settle our divorces. 'Tis all.

Good solicitors will want to get this calmed down and to settlement.

He can accuse you of anything, but it doesn't mean that it's true.

I am sure you are aware by now that I am a destructive, vindictive, harassing fishwife.

According to him - so it must be true.

Well say hello to your friend another destructive, vindictive, harassing fishwife (or in his words b).

My solicitor suggested last week that I could apply for a non molestation order - now that would look good as he's a copper.

Why should I accept a car that he's chosen - it's like he's doing me a favour.

Even on the phone he was doing his 'police voice' - put the little woman down in her place. Bastard.

I so want to tell his employers what he's been up to. It's so tempting - especially as I have proof of him lying.

Well at least I've stopped crying over him.

Surely what you want is a fair settlement so you can buy what ever car you choose. If he "gives" you a car (even if it was one you wanted) surely that leaves him in a postion of power to take it away again should you disagree with him in the future!!

Exactly - if I accept the car he's got control as always.

Tell him that you're guite happy with the car you already have (the Audi), but that if you ever decide to change it, it will be to a car of your choosing, not his.

Exactly - my choosing not his. When I look back I was never allowed to make decisions it was always him. He just went and and did what he liked money wise. Even my eldest daughter says it's daddys house and daddys money.

For a police officer he sounds incredibly thick!!!