Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

whyme the first thing that any sane person would do after a breakup is to get their wages paid into their own account. If you have any joint obligations with him, then you need to make sure that your share is covered, but beyond that, it is YOUR wages, YOUR money.

Regarding the car, yes you should be free to choose what you want. If however, you end up with the Golf, then make sure that it is registered in your name and that you tax and insure it in your name. Was it this thread where the NCB had been transferred into the H's name? (apologies, don't have time to read the thread). If so, then see if there is anything that you can do about that.

Hopefully you can start to get some regular access put into place with solicitors letters. Shift work can mess things up, but shifts are known well in advance, so access can revolve around that. Don't let him mess the DC around. He can't just drop in and out when he feels like it, he left that life behind. The DC have a right to see him and on a regular basis, so he needs to commit to something.

Yep, he did transfer the my full NCB into his name.

Trying to get him to commit to anything - won't be easy he's as slippery as a fish. He'll have an excuse for everything.

Mt eldest daughter will not go to any of her regular clubs just in case daddy comes round. I've tried to explain to her that he has to arrange times but she's still hopeful.

Hi, I have only just joined mumsnet & have just read what you wrote a month ago, sorry to bring up "old news" but I just wanted to ask you a question as my husband decided to walk out on me & my 2 girls this morning, the usual I don't love you anymore, blah blah blah....
I wondered how you are one month down the line & if it gets easier?.
At the moment I think I am in shock & utter disbelief, & can't imagine life without him after been together 19years. Thank you xx

Just read the previous messages, shit !!

Starmum - I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

I'd suggest that you start a new thread under "Relationships" where more MNers will see it and offer help/advice.

His work should already know, as he involved them and they would have known he was an officer so that the records could be restricted (so his pals can't look up what's been happening) - even if you live in a different force to the one he works for. He is obligated to let professional standards know too. I wonder whether your solicitor might be able to check with professional standards at his force?

If it's your NCB, tell his insurers it's being used elsewhere and isn't available to use on his policy.

starmum sorry to hear that. I second the advice to start your own thread. You will get some great support and advice

So, what do you think of your husband now OP? Concentrate on this, because at some point he is going to try and manipulate you by being 'reasonable'. He will behave in a less angry way for a while. It's possible he may suggest that there is still hope for the two of you. Never forget that he is a controller and will know of different ways of controlling. Watch out!

starmum - start another thread and I'll follow you.
Mumsnet girls have been very supportive to me.

Stbxh has been manipulating my eldest girl again tonight on the phone. She's been crying again because of him.

It's like he's the great dad and I'm the wicked mum who has to pick up the pieces.

I asked her if he'd said anything about seeing her and I knew by her face that he had but she wouldn't tell me.

I tried to explain to her that he had to confirm dates with me but she just didn't want to talk to me.

I've had my medication reduced and I'm so tired and feeling bone numbing cold. Even putting the bin out was hard. Trying to cope with being ill, two children and a nasty twat is very draining.

I just wonder what he's going to try next.

Plus found out he's going to be paying more for rent on a property for him that he is trying to give me for maintenance and half the mortgage. Feel like ringing round the rental companies and telling them he entertains prostitutes at night. Think the landlords would like that!

Don't think he will ever say there's any hope for the two of us cause he appears to hate me so much. Part of me wishes we could rewind but I know I'm going to have to keep going.

So another day tomorrow of waking up thinking about him, watching my little girl crying being lead into school again, my eldest not talking to me, probably crying again - seem to break out in all sorts of places. Don't same a kind word to me or I'll be a pool of tears.

Thank you , when I pluck up the courage to actually start believing its true I will, still in shock I think. Xx

Starmum please do . You will begin to take control of your situation . Thinking of you .

whyme and starmum - I promise you it gets easier. 5 months, one week here - and I can chat normally to people without feeling like I'm walking around with a big sign above my head saying 'failure'. I can look people in the eye, I can talk about everyday things, I can go out and have fun.

Having an acrimonious divorce is very, very stressful but there are 'days in the sun' too. There are moments when you just start forgetting about it, and moments when you are in hysterics at some things.

I still have a little cry here and there, but the days of howling non-stop - they are gone. I'm not happy yet, but I'm four to six months (hopefully) from getting the financial settlement and moving on with my life.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and sob your hearts out as much as you can now. And get cracking on with the divorce (before HE does - it really is a first past the post situation that one) - THAT if nothing else changes everything, you learn to really, really hate them once you get into that process.

Hating them is easier than loving them!

Well the twat tried a different route to get to me last night.

He began texting at at 21.37 and continued until nearly 1 in the morning. It started with can I take the girls out for tea tomorrow and eventually ended up with if you don't let me I will put the house on the market! You'd have to read the texts to believe it. I still can't.

He then started texting again at 6.30am this morning re. the same things plus he was saying nasty things about my dad as well. And my dad has been our rock at the moment.

Plus he also threatened me with solicitors if I don't pay his overdraft!

Then to cap it all I went to get in the car this morning and found the guttering at the front of the house hanging off. And he has told me to pay for it!

He's a cock!

Let him take u to a solicitor! Keep all the text and don't engage with him! Just put a dot after each message or something!

Has he received the solicitor letters yet ?

Keep being strong

whyme2014 -

Please, please speak to your solicitor TODAY about getting an anti harassment order on this man.

You may wish to tell your solicitor that you want to raise a formal complaint with your ex's superiors about his personal behaviour.

You mention about entertaining prostitutes - I don't know if that's you exaggerating and venting steam, or if that's something you have evidence for.

But you NEED to be getting a formal complaint to his superiors. This man is in a position of authority, and the police take things like this seriously. It taints the authority of the police, and brings their reputation into question.

Please compile all the evidence that you have - him cancelling utilities and taking the credit from the joint account. Him transferring your details to a new car (that he shouldn't be allowed to do). Copies of the aggressive texts that he has been sending you. Any threats. Any harrasment. ANYTHING.

This is partly about getting back at him, but mainly it's because a man like this should not be in a position of authority - especially one that involves handling firearms.

I think you also need to sit down and have a frank word with your daughter. You aren't going to benefit by taking the high road here - she will naturally believe the person who sounds like they are telling her the gritty details, rather than glossing over everything. You don't have to stoop exactly to his level, but you need to be honest about your reasons. Too often the wronged parent takes the high road, and thinks they have to be a constant pillar of strength for their child. So the child sees one parent "really sad and distressed and blaming X" whilst seeing X as "calm and composed and cold towards Y". So naturally they believe the lies they hear.

There is nothing wrong with showing your child that you are struggling too, and being honest. 11 years old is too young for the cold harsh truth, but you can tone the language down.

For example:

I know you are upset because you haven't seen Daddy in a while. I know Daddy has been telling you that this is because I am preventing you from seeing each other. I haven't been talking to you about this, because parents should never drag their children into their arguments - but now it has got to this point, I want to tell you the facts about what is going on. You don't have to believe me, but I don't deserve to have my own child resent me because they only know one side of the story. So here is what is happening.

Your father decided that he no longer wanted to be a part of this family, and that he was leaving. This was HIS choice. He has been having an affair since July, which I only found out about recently. He has told people that I have been violent towards him (which I haven't), which means that I can't be in the same place as him without other adults to witness how we behave towards each other. We have both been speaking to lawyers, which is normal and necessary when two people separate. Our lawyers have said that the only thing your father needs to do in order to see you is to speak to me a few days beforehand to say he wants to see you, and for us BOTH to agree when this will be and for how long. That is it. What your father has been doing is TELLING me the DAY BEFORE that he WILL be taking you at a certain time. I can't allow this, because it goes against what BOTH our lawyers have told us. But of course, it works very well to make him look good and me look bad.

No-one is happy in this situation. This is the worst thing I have ever gone through, but I have been trying to be strong for you, because I love you. I can prove that everything I have told you here is the truth. I have been trying to protect you from our arguments, because I don't want you to feel like you have to hate one of us. We are both still your parents, and we both still love you.

He told me he had been seeing prostitutes and women he had met on plenty of fish.com
Then after seeing a solicitor he told me this wasn't true. Well I believed him enough to go to a sexual health clinic to get checked out.

You're right i have been trying to protect my daughter but all she hears is daddy being calm and happy and mummy as the irrational one.

I did try to tell her that money will be tight and her birthday will be a bit different. I'm going to try to sell somethings to pay for it if the bastard doesn't give us anything.

My solicitor wasn't keen on going straight for the harassment order but she's writing a warning letter!

He's also sent me another text recently to say that I'm liable to pay for damages to his friends car that he had been driving! I placed a bag of his clothes on it and dented it! wtf.

Are you ignoring his texts? You really need to detach and stop replying to all his texts. You are not his punchbag and you need the head space if you are to continue being strong.

All arrangements re child access should be via email and any other communications that is not relevant you ignore or go through your solicitor.

Tell him that all communication must now be done via lawyers then block him. You will feel better when you don't have to deal with these texts, which are abusive and threatening, even if they are dressed up as something else. Isn't it just amazing how they turn?

It is not his overdraft. It is on a joint account your name is on. It is already your overdraft. He doesn't have to pay a penny for it and they will come after you. It does not matter to the bank who spent it all.

As others say disengage. Stop taking any of his texts, or phone calls. Create a twat email account and tell him that you will only respond to emails to that in future.

He said that he would get his solicitor on to me. Especially about me withholding my wages from him. The only reason I took my wages out of the joint account was because he said he would remove his so I got there first.

He's not just a fucker, he's a thick fucker. As if any court will look favourably on that! He's removed his wages from his children and their mother, and he expects to be able to spend all yours, too?

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid. He's abusing you emotionally and financially, he has been for a long time, and he is harassing you, too. Honestly, talk to them. You need help in detaching so he can't keep getting under your skin as he has been. And your daughter has been brought up, I suspect, with you bigging up Daddy and Daddy putting down you. Sadly she has believed what she has been told. I agree that at this point hard cold facts need to be told by you, or she'll keep getting them from him. The father who doesn't see why she needs a decent roof over her head or food in her stomach, let alone regular and consistent contact. He's treating her like a pet, not a daughter.

Are you happy with your solicitor? They aren't all created equal.

And please understand that until you block the joint bank account, you are liable for all debts he incurs. That's what a joint account means.

Just to reiterate: he never had a right to free access to your money. You both had an obligation to support the family in practical and financial terms as agreed between you, but he never had a right to demand your earnings as his own. And now he's left you, he is essentially demanding a random woman funds his overdraft. That level of entitlement is so massive I think it's a very good indication of how abusive he is, because that - entitlement - is an abusive mindset.

Have you read the Lundy book, "Why Does He Do That?" Because I think you really do need to.

Divorce letter (adultery) and childcare letter going out tomorrow morning via email and post. Just waiting for the fallout.

Harassment letter to follow.

He's also sent me an email to say that he will be delivering the car and taking the Audi.

The old car he's giving me will be in his name, his finance, his insurance - me as a named driver etc etc So he could take it back at any point and/or stop paying for it.

So I replied and told him again that it was unsuitable, it wasn't big enough and do not expect me to swap it for the Audi. He said his solicitors had told him he could do it and if I didn't accept it I would be left with no car. So handy when you have to get two children to school. What a great dad he is turning out to be.

My solicitor says that I do not have to accept it so I'm with her.

He then sent me another softer email which said that I would like the car, it was just right for us and why not try it.
However, the comment at the bottom had my blood boiling because he then told me to stop using the words....bullying, threatening and controlling in respect of him! I have a lot of other words which also describe him and he wouldn't like those either.

So can't wait to see what turns up.

I spoke to a police officer today and she said that if he did cause trouble I was to ring 999. How on earth did it come to this.