Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Freeze the joint account. Now! As soon as you can.

You are liable for every penny he spends on the overdraft going to visit his tart. Get it frozen now while it is only £309 down. You don't want it to be £1,000 or more!

They won't care who spent it, they will come after the easy target to get it back.

Call the replacement for the CSA today. They don't back date so you have lost everything he sure as fuck isn't going to pay you back.

Make him cough up his dues.

Thank you generousfdudgy. Feel like I need a lot of hand holding.

Still writing up questions for my solicitor for tomorrow morning.

Have also made up a sheet of comments from you lot so when I'm down I look at it and it makes me stronger.

My favourite quote was "The man you knew and loved has fucked off, now you're left with a twat to divorce". So true.

I'm so sorry, but it's true . I'm at 'round 2' of divorce court tomorrow and I'm still here, so you CAN do this, I promise. It is a scary ride so:

Remember if you don't like this solicitor, or you're just not sure, then don't be afraid of seeing others. They are going to learn a lot about you, so you want someone you're comfortable with.

Generally speaking, a frustration that most of us find, is that very good solicitors are not the 'take names, kick ass' variety, but would rather you hold fire for a while, to see if the other party can calm down and co-operate because when they first realise you've got legal advice, their Twatwittery increases.

Sometimes, they calm down. Sometimes they just get much, much worse . Divorce lasts around 4 - 6 months, so although you don't want it today, by the time you're getting to the money wrangling bit, you have accepted your fate.

Which helps with the Kicking Ass and Taking Names bit...

Good luck for tomorrow. Let me know how you get on.

My twat has got even worse today.
I emailed him to remind him that he had forgot(!) to answer my financial questions and he came back with no answers but a future budget for me which includes a monthly amount for our holiday in Nov (thought this had all been paid for but he had supposedly put on a credit card - he used the holiday money to buy alloy wheel insurance plus other incidentals for his Audi) and a further amount for me that include a monthly payment on a car that I'm buying myself.

Plus he missed out general budget stuff like buildings & contents ins, food, school dinners, petrol, road tax, clothes etc etc the list goes on. When I work it out we end up with £76 approx at the end of the month and he works it out as £500. That doesn't include any luxuries just pure bills and necessities.

At this precise moment I hate him. Because he only came back with figures and nothing about my daughters birthday party. My little one said at bedtime that she misses daddy. If only she knew that the daddy she loves appears to have disappeared up his own backside.

I think my stbxh (hope I got that right) will be in the twatwittery gets worse category. He's completely forgot he's got children in the middle of this and can only see himself. He doesn't care if they have to go without as long as he is doing what he wants and no one gets in his way. I would love to go to his superiors and tell them what a complete c* he is and that he has been lying about all sorts of things. I have proof!

Just found out he's cancelled some other bills that were in credit and he appears to have taken that money as well. What a nasty little twat.

Good luck for tomorrow whyme and wellwho I am flabbergasted at the behaviour of both of your steph's who clearly never deserved to be with 2 such confident intelligent women in the first place

He seems to be continuing to try to run the show as any controller would. Assuming your solicitor contacts him soon (does he know you have a solicitor involved, I cannot remember?) then expect a very negative reaction from him, probably blaming you for many things. If he threatens you with whatever then try and stay calm, because as a controller he will be starting to feel he is losing control, so he will try anger to retain it.

Keep calm and focused when he speaks OP. You are continuing to do very well, and as reality dawns those fond memories will still be there but will have less and less effect on you as you start to live in the present. The present involves a marriage to a "cockwomble".

I sincerely hope it goes (has gone) well today.

This is why you need legal advice. They tell you that you don't need it, draw up lists and budgets and expect you not to question any of it.

My XH left me with a mortgage of £700 a month to pay, plus all the utilities etc, over £1000 a month in outgoings and that wasn't including food and clothes. I had a 4yo DD and worked part time self employed. He paid me £100 a week for 6 months, then reduced it to £60 a week when he had to rent his own place. I still had to pay the mortgage for another 6 months after that whilst trying to remortgage.

He walked out with no thought other than for himself and how he could manage. No care for his DD and her needs, or mine.

They turn from the "provider, carer, protector" into an uncaring selfish twat.

So as long as you can see that and keep on dealing with things expecting that sort of behaviour, you will be ok.

You're right he does want to run the show.

Felt like i was playing some sort of game show with him today. He came back on text again (despite me saying email only) with a revised figure of 'a grand a month' - for maintenance and mortgage. Take it or leave it. Then he suggested buying a Golf car (not exactly a family car). oooooh what should I do - go higher?

Actually part of me even considered agreeing to the money and the car just to shut him up. There's no winners in this game!

Anyway, I had the solicitors appointment to go so had to stop playing. Well the outcome of that is that the divorce is going ahead and I've had three letters drawn up, divorce, financial and children. He's going to flip when he sees what the solicitors said about the car.

Did feel quite down when I had come out of the solicitors because everything seems to have happened so fast.

However, later today he turned nasty and started sending me texts re. money again accusing me of taking cash out of the joint account on various dates. And because I didn't answer he was getting frustrated and demanding where it had gone. Sounds like he's throwing his toys out the pram now. Just wait until he gets the letters.

He continues to follow the script and is getting more worried. Its at this point when he may try to approach you in a more reasonable vein, suggesting a compromise for the sake of his children, or even that you remain friends! Its probably wise that you do not accept any of his offers yet. Let your solicitor deal with this. How keen to get stuck in was your solicitor?

Believe it or not, this is the man you have been married to all these years. These are his true colours. If you look back you will have seen them at times. Do you really want to be with someone like this?

I suggest that you do not answer his texts, as to do so would be playing to his tune, and hence his control. After all, you did tell him to contact you by email if I remember correctly.

You will look back on these days and see how you grew as a person. Keep us informed OP.

Please freeze the account before you are saddled with debts.

Yes, whyMe - I also think you should freeze any joint a/c. This man is just going to go off the radar as far as nasty and obnoxious go. Time to sort out your battle armour.

As others have said, the more he explodes the more worried he is. Small comfort I know, in the days to come. But we're all around on and off at the w/e. Come and rant here as and when!

And yes, don't respond to texts or emails at this point AT ALL.

But nosey me wants to know what your solicitor said about the car .. sorry ... you don't have to answer!

Hi WhyMe

Alive and well, relieved, not happy not sad. Just know it's okay, the worst of periods is definitely behind me. At least where he is concerned. It's five months since the big bang.

I know how sad you feel when you leave the solicitor's for the first time, it's your first real acknowledgement that you have gone down a route you never imagine yourself going down.

Cry it all out now. So don't worry, it does feel like an act of treachery and it's all so so sad.

he does want to run the show and he thinks he can. He will react to getting the solicitor's letters, and it won't be pleasant. Don't let him break you.

Today, I know for the last time, I won't ever feel like that because of his actions. It does get easier one day at a time. Promise.

Agree, get that account frozen, get to the bank tomorrow if you can.

In my experience (as a police officer) firearms officers are the worst. Serial shaggers who seem to have a bit of a god complex because they reckon they're all that because they carry a gun around. Not all are like that, obviously, but a lot are.

Is the grand a month a figure he is proposing to pay you each month? If so, I have to say I think that is ok (on the face of it). However, a solicitor should be able to advise far better, and sounds as if that was already discussed.

I know I've already said this, but keep all the texts. He already sounds like a nasty piece of work that you should consider reporting, but I think the shit will really hit the fan when he gets the solicitors letter, and he will send all sorts of nasty things.

I've been good and resisted replying to his text. Soooo tempting to tell him to poke it.

Checked the bank account again and just added up petrol and receipts coffee shops/ restaurants and he's spent £750 approx. Is he serious!

And he's questioning me on money.

With respect to the car...the solicitor said that I could keep it pending the outcome of the financial side of the divorce! He's going to love that. Because she said that if he defaulted on the payments the police wouldn't be too happy.

Divorce is a very sobering business...he'll learn. You may resort to the gin, of course.

Keep up the NC - it does help long term.

WellWhoKnew - glad to see that you're ok. I understand the mixed feelings - I felt like I was being disloyal today.

Dreading the weeks to come and I know it will get harder before it gets better - even the solicitor warned me of that. Although she did say if he got nasty she would shoot a letter off to him.

I think the grand a month would have been dangled for a little while then withdrawn - don't trust him at all. Just like - I'll buy you a car then I won't.

My anniversary is coming up so that's not going to be a good day. But even on our last anniversary we were out looking for cars for him so when you look back you realise it's all about him.

Years ago I went to work in the morning and came back to find a BMW on the driveway - thought he had a friend visiting but he had just gone out and bought it. So he has form on cars as well.

I feel like a bit of a mug. It's hard to believe that any of my marriage was real.

Plus a few years back we almost emigrated to Australia - good job we didn't.

There, youve just said it - "dont trust him at all". Now that`s good relationship material!

So you didn`t discuss buying a new BMW? You know where I am going with this?

Yep - he didn't value my opinion at all. If he wanted it he got it.

I feel like a complete mug because I supported him through everything and when his family needed him most he ran for the hills - well East Grinstead ! Nice!

Feeling really down today - want to cry but children here.

Keep going over in my head what's actually happened and sometimes I can't believe it myself.

Feel so sorry for you OP, but try and take solace in the fact that what you are feeling is completely normal and you will eventually get better. Remember that recovery from bereavement (the loss of your relationship/marriage and other things) has to have emotional downs before you can fully recover. Try and track these feelings if possible. You are still in shock, as this is all recent, but this will change.

Try and focus on the kids and cry if you wish. They will naturally be a source of comfort to you and you to them.

We on MN are still with you and have an idea what you are going through. You have some difficult days ahead, but you need to stay as focused as possible on the financial settlement. You owe this to your DC and to yourself. YOU are very important.

Just a word of warning. Try and keep knowledge of this forum away from your "cockwomble". Keep it as secret as possible. I like the term candle-dipper. Candles eventually burn out and he may get his cock singed when this happens!

It just takes time, it really does. There's no point rushing this part of the process, just keep contact to a minimum and focus on doing things that make you feel okay. Get out and about if you can with the children and have fun, even if you know you're only pretending, it helps to get out and do things.

Cowards come in all different shapes and sizes. Underneath they are all the same. And they all get nasty and blamey, because they see themselves as perfection, and the fact that you don't agree, can only enrage them more.

But still they are the ones who fled...remember that.