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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

789 replies

whyMe2014 · 08/09/2014 00:25

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 04/03/2015 14:11

Pop...now hang on do not start having a go at other people. If you want to start on me fine but people like Neither have supported me through the worst period of my life leave them out of it.

You may think you have read my thread and understood everything but you haven't. For example ...I have been paying the bills. He only gives me a percentage of the mortgage.

With reference to the house and the car etc...my stbxh will not talk to me. That's why we are in this mess. He wants to take it to court for full financial disclosure. So nothing has been sorted yet.

You appear to have a very restricted view of how divorces operate.

If my thread upsets you so much please leave.

OP posts:
OutThere1 · 04/03/2015 15:54

Typical mums net! If another opinion is given then you are to leave the thread.
Pop I seriously wouldn't waste your time, if you tell people your point of view you are 'having a go' or 'starting'.
Bloody hell everyone that's what this site is for. Don't go throwing your toys out the pram because it is not what you want to hearHmmConfused

ineedabodytransplant · 04/03/2015 16:16

OutThere1,

I'll start off as I usally do by making it clear I'm a bloke so I may get things wrong.

It's not typical Mumsnet saying leave if you disagree. Whyme was quite placid and said if the thread upsets Pop so much then they should leave it. Very calm, I'll tell them to do one

Pop54 came on and wrote the exact opposite of every other poster who had actually read the whole thread. Twisted the words to make Whyme out to be the nutter .

Whyme's shithead of an ex needs to be taken out somewhere and put down (and not even humanely). He's out there shagging some whore and causing Whyme and her daughters endless grief. He seems to think that although he crapped all over them he can still rule the roost. This is not someoen I would want walking around with a loaded gun, unless he used it on himself

Whyme, please try (I know it's difficult) and ignore Pop and OutThere. It could be your ex and his slut but it could just be two (or even the one) posters stirring shit.

CunningCat · 04/03/2015 16:28

I need - I agree with the gun comment Grin and the rest of your post!!!

WellWhoKnew · 04/03/2015 19:03

Reported both. However, you want to interpret WhyMe's situation, nobody is envious of the difficulties she is facing. But please remember it costs absolutely nothing to let her vent and sound off about her situation. It's a total waste of everyone's time expecting us to read posters having a go at her.

It adds nothing, helps no one and is upsetting for us all to read.

iwashappy · 04/03/2015 21:41

WhyMe I'm sorry that you've had some totally unfounded criticism on here today. You have every reason to vent on your thread, you certainly don't come as bitter and it is so very clear that you put your daughters welfare first.

I think it is possible that there was some advice in there about trying to move on that may have been well intentioned but there was plenty said that was offensive and inaccurate. You have enough to be dealing with without having to defend yourself on your thread.

Your feelings towards your ex, his actions, the OW are all perfectly normal and need to be worked through in your own way in order for you to be able to move on.

I also don't think it's acceptable to criticise posters such as NeitherHereOr There for supporting you (and me). Why on earth would anyone want to have a go at anyone for giving up their time to help and support anyone!

OutThere1 no-one is criticising anyone for having a different (constructive) opinion but for unnecessarily and inaccurately criticising WhyMe when she needs support. Different opinions and constructive advice is normally welcomed, having a go at the OP is entirely different.

WhyMe I hope you are okay. Flowers

whyMe2014 · 07/03/2015 00:03

ineedabodytransplant...thank you so much for your post and your support. I think your summary is spot on. It's nice to get a mans opinion :)

I appreciate every ones kind words. You have all been so kind.

Pop and Outthere...yes your words did affect me but hey in the scheme of things you're nothing. I have other things to worry about..

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 07/03/2015 01:24

Go you WhyMe. And keep venting...

KOKO.

Hobbitwife001 · 07/03/2015 09:21

Yeah, ignore the negative comments, WhyMe, you rant, vent, tear your hair out

whyMe2014 · 07/03/2015 20:31

Thanks girls. And guess what the tosser had arranged contact with girls today and didn't turn up. Wanker!

Another tick in his useless parent of the year box.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 08/03/2015 00:50

What a surprise! All this unnecessary legal action is just to 'punish' you for being the mother of 'his' children.

Whyme I know it's so hard when the man you've invested so much in turns on, but you still hope against hope that at some point they will validate you as a human being.

But please look after yourself. And give yourself another tick in the box for being a parent who parents. KOKO.

whyMe2014 · 08/03/2015 22:53

WWK...you're right...he is punishing me for being the mother of his children and me having the audacity to find out about his nasty sordid affair. And for not falling in line when he told me (by text) how it was going to be. How dare I expect him to explain to my face...how dare I expect that I should deserve an explanation after all these years.

As he said...'I've left, we're separated, I've fallen for somebody else, it's as simple as that!' Bloody hell...he let an atom bomb off in mine and the childrens lives and walked away. No fall out for him.

I still think that he might realise what he's done but day by day I am trying to come to terms with the fact that he cannot see the hurt he's caused. All he can see is the new life he thinks he's entitled to sod the rest of us.

It is hard when the man you have trusted turns so vicious and my (our) only crime is to have loved and stood by them.

xx

OP posts:
NeitherHereOrThere · 11/03/2015 08:56

Hope you are ok and that you are looking after yourself.

Men like him will never realise how wrong and vile his behaviour and actions have been. It will take you a while to accept this though.

whyMe2014 · 11/03/2015 23:26

You're right Neither...I will eventually have to accept that he will never see how he has hurt me and my DC.

But a glimmer of hope..had court yesterday and they saw exactly what he was like....he was described as belligerent...and he turned up 45 mins late!

He lied to the judge and we had evidence to dig his hole for him. Bloody weasel.

He didn't get what he wanted and we have another hearing in June. Yesterday proved he doesn't want the children...he definitely is using them as a weapon.

He was so angry when we came out...shame.

OP posts:
CunningCat · 11/03/2015 23:42

What a twat!!!! Good for you thoughSmile

iwashappy · 12/03/2015 00:17

Pleased it went well in court. Hope you are feeling okay. KOKO. x

NeitherHereOrThere · 12/03/2015 07:31

That's good news - I know how anxious you were about court, and hopefully you now feel a bit more reassured that you and the DC will be ok. Stay strong.

Hobbitwife001 · 12/03/2015 07:36

YEY! Go you Why, Grin very well done in court, I know you were so apprehensive, showed his true colours there didn't he?

Keep going, no amount of his bleating on about being a firearms officer is going to detract from the fact that he is also a manipulative , aggressive, excuse for a man, his vile behaviour towards you has been recognised and is now common knowledge.

No smug grins now eh? Another hurdle over for you, sending you and your girls love and support, x

iwashappy · 15/03/2015 21:55

Been thinking of you today, hope today has given you some lovely times with your children inbetween the inevitable sadness. I was going to say that I hope it's not been too hard for you but I know myself that it will have been. Take care xx

Hobbitwife001 · 16/03/2015 00:21

Just wanted to send you good wishes my love, I know how hard it will have been for you today, the first few special days without them are the worst, and although I know you have your girls with you, it must be a difficult time.

whyMe2014 · 16/03/2015 00:31

You're right iwas it's been hard. I had my birthday this week and then my first mothers day since my mum passed.

I tried to carry on as normal but the empty chair was always there.
I did get some lovely things from the girls and lots of hugs but I did feel jealous of other people enjoying family time.
xx

I feel like my life has just been turned upside down...how did I get here.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 17/03/2015 13:32

We arrive in this unexpected (and unwanted) place by a variety of paths. (My name will indicate why I am alone.) The journey is the same though - a terrible, terrible grief, mixed with longing for what was and envy of what others still have. It took me 11 years to get rid of my empty chairs [one was my DF's and one was DH's].

Now 14 years after losing my DH, I 'celebrated' my 60th birthday alone with the dog. My 'new normal' is very different but sufficiently satisfying. I have no children, and have chosen not seek another partner. But contentedness comes with time as you learn your strategies.

Take care. I always look in your thread to see how you are doing.

whyMe2014 · 17/03/2015 23:09

Thank you for your kind words. I do appreciate it and knowing that other people have come through these difficult phases of our lives give me hope that one day things will be ok.

I also find strength in the fact that strangers take time to support each other.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 19/03/2015 09:35

It now appears he has lost the ability to read and has lost all recollection of what was agreed in court. He just cannot comply.

Another 3 letters from his solicitor changing dates etc and saying that he will now stop paying maintenance for the children due to financial hardship! Again another tick in his good father box. Is he for real?

He's living it up with the ow at country clubs etc and he's now not paying anything towards his childrens upkeep.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 19/03/2015 10:13

It must be so difficult Why, I wish I could give you some wise & practical advice but I am sure there are others on here who have fought & won against tossers like your H.

Keep strong & I look forward to the day this exH gets his comeuppance & you are able to move on with your life.

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