Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Thanks for the kind words.

Thought it couldn't get any worse but work up this morning with a rash all around my shoulders and neck.

Think I''m cracking up. Hope it's just nerves but I've had my medication changed recently and it looks like it could be a reaction to that. Will have to get it checked out but haven't got time. Solicitors tomorrow and court Tuesday.

Couldn't sleep at all last night - my head just can't stop going over everything he's done and he will still get away with it.

Is there no justice for women?

It's stress whyme 'just another joy of getting divorced' as I'd say.

Good luck for Tuesday. You will sleep like a log on Tuesday night, but probably won't sleep much before then, so try to find little things that make you feel okay. Hot bath, Ice Cream, Brisk walk.

Remember, you're not a criminal, just guilty of loving your children and wanting the best for them. You don't know what the judge is going to rule at this point, but fight your corner as hard as you have to.

I will fight my corner and I'll try to protect them as much as I can but my eldest got so upset today she said if I don't win on Tuesday will she go into care. What is he saying to them? He's a twisted bastard.

Good grief WhyMe. No one 'wins' when they go to court, but stuff does get sorted out.

Oftentimes with these men: once they've dragged you through the court system to invoke 'their rights', and get time allocated, they decide they are too busy. Let's hope that's the case with him.

Just keep focusing on your own behaviour at all times. The more you control yourself, the less he can manipulate you. KOKO.

You absolutely have to stay calm and reasonable in the face of all provocation. He will try to paint you as unreasonable, vindictive and unstable. Don't walk into his trap by losing your cool. Have you got your wants and reasoning written down? Practise saying it calmly and reasonably. Don't interrupt when anyone else is speaking no matter how provocative. It is a fight but it's not the sort of fight you would have in a less official environment. Please be careful.

Just sending you a message of support, honey, the stress must be very hard to deal with, that's why you have a rash probably, it's just your body reacting. Lots of love and a big virtual hug for you and your family, xx

I also want to send you a message of support, OP. You are dealing with a truly horrible situation remarkably well and are clearly a great mother to your daughters.

My father passed away recently and my DP was an absolute rock for me. It's just plain evil of your stbxh to continue the twisted mind games when you're not only grieving but dealing with illness.

All the best for Tuesday. This will all be over soon and you will be rid of him and able to live a happy life with your girls and someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

Thanks for the advice and support.

Guess what girls - the mind games continue - he got the case adjourned today! And so it goes on and on....been told the next dates would most likely be towards the end of March!

All that stress for nothing!

I would like to say a few weeks' reprieve but having been in the court system for a long time, I've learnt not to be so unrealistic. It'll just be more of the same. Do anything, and everything, you can to look after yourself 'til then.

Whyme, is it possible for you to look upon the adjournment as something that was ok to happen otherwise it wouldn't have.

Your husband really doesn't have special powers, or a magic wand, he only knows how to play the system but one day its for sure he won't be able to play it anymore.

xxx

Oh God, why do they have to drag it out? Well, I hope you can at least try to relax tonight. You've earned that, at least. Tomorrow is another day

Husband left me and DS after 24years and my battle with cancer. He was using sex sites, dating sites and now has his own flat and in a "relationship" with someone 10 years younger. (Boy is she getting a prize).

Whatever the circumstances, they all share the same weak, selfish, flakey characters. In most cases, they leave us for AW or the thought of AW ( let's face it, who leaves to "be alone"). The question I would like to ask is who are these "other women" who take these abandoners on? Arn't they curious about their history, the reasons they are living away from their families ?because unless the wife has cheated on them (goes happen). They must realise their golden boy has WALKED AWAY from a family. Don't the warning bells start ringing, don't they realise a flakey man is a flakey man who ever he is with.

Dating sites these days are swamped with 40 and 50 ish (and younger) separated/divorced men, all looking for fresh fun. How sad it's becoming the "norm".

Its wonderful that we woman support each other on this site (you are all wonderful). But let's not forget the saying " there would be no bad men without bad women). I for one would NEVER date a separated man ( he is still someone else's husband) and why does my divorced date find himself on that dating site em. I for one will be making enquiries before committing my trust again. That AW just might need this site herself one day.

So until women stop taking other women's husbands (despite his story), men like our husbands will keep on leaving. Food for thought?

You're right - who are these women, why do they see our weak husbands as such a trophy.

His OW is another police officer - she has a child as well so how would she like it if some woman inflicted the pain on her child that she has put on my childrenl

I hope she rots in hell for her part in all this - I could never imagine breaking a family up. And before everyone screams it takes two - I know - he's the snake that sniffed around and couldn't keep it in his trousers. He too is oblivious to the pain and suffering he has caused and is continuing to cause.

I will continue to pick up the pieces and he will live the life of a Disneyland dad. Magically appearing with presents and trips while mum can't afford a hair cut.

Plus he has told me there's no need for me to know anything about this OW but she will eventually be bringing up my children as well.

My eldest daughter seems so accepting of the fact that daddy has a girlfriend.

But he is so toxic - every time my girls see him they come back different - my eldest argues with me and everything coming out of her mouth sounds like him. Some of the stuff she is saying has definitely been put there by him. My little one still doesn't understand that daddy really doesn't live with us anymore.

I'm trying to be their stability but how do I do that when I worry that I never actually knew him at all.

And I know that it was an abusive relationship and I know that we're better away from it but it doesn't take away the hurt and rejection. In the end I've been traded in for a younger model and that hurts.

Plus I'm missing the support of my mum everyday. I have to be strong for my girls. I don't even feel like I'm grieving properly because of all the shit he keeps chucking at me.

I actually think he feels he's the victim in this - poor little him - isn't she a mad bitch - that's why he had to leave and fall into the arms of a trollop
I feel he is pushing me to the edge.

I wish I could think of something to say that you'd go 'yep, you're right', but I really can't beyond keep focusing on ALL the things you don't miss.

Are you getting counselling at the moment? I found it helped most a few months down the line when I really sank so low.

She will NOT be bringing up your children. She may, or may not be, a feature in his future - it's way to early to tell. However, even if she lasts some time, you will always be mum. She will just be their dad's girlfriend.

You cannot be replicated. He will always be abusive, I suspect. To add to something from Fiona's analysis, but it isn't always the case that these women 'know' they are with a married man - oftentimes the lie 'we live separate lives' is very common so she may have bagged a lying prized prat for all she knows.

Try to think of it that he exited stage right so that you can find some harmony in your life. You will really not feel this hurt and confused for ever, but you do need to be so kind to yourself whilst you heal.

KOKO

Are you ok Whyme? Thinking of you and your girls, xx

Just giving you a massive hug, this was me nearly four years ago, mine married the OW and I'm still dealing with his disgusting behaviour...he barely sees his kids.

However, I've learnt to let it roll off my back now, but it's taken a long time.

Previous poster was so right, he married a woman whose own marriage had ended, and she'd been the OW in two other marriage break ups at their works before eventually getting together with my ex.

They really are welcome to each other, can you imagine, I bet there's no trust in that relationship...in fact I know, as she will only allow him to call me when she's sat beside him, and she reads any texts.....I'm not allowed to email.

Now my daughter is older, she completely sees her arse of her dad for what he is, she hates his wife ( who hasn't been very nice to her) they fed me all this bullshite about her bringing up the kids too...it's an incredible statement to make, after what they did...but the fact is, it's hugely backfired on them, they are having problems building a relationship with the kids are they just don't see them enough, and the kids know fully who is truly there for them.

I'm now at the stage where my dd regulary makes allegations about her,( which are wildly exaggerated) and I'm trying very hard to be impartial...and support her, while trying sensitively to deal with them, without causing hassle. Their response is to refuse to have her....and hers is then that they hate her.

It is horrific, him being married to the OW, but it's clearly testing them...I gain no pleasure from this, it's just sad. I've built up a good support network, I've made friends with a couple of single mums and we really help each other out. You will get there, it just takes time. My moment was when I decided I just couldn't have my kids childhoods blighted by this. But it was only after court stuff was done, and finances settled. So until then, you just need to be very kind to yourself, and take time xx

I hope you are okay.

OW certainly do have a worthless trophy, but it still hurts nevertheless. Even if you know without doubt that you are much better off without the lying cheat your feelings don't just disappear. But you will get through this and I do hope that we will look back and be pleased that we found out what awful men they are because we deserve so much better than what we have had to go through.

You are doing so well dealing with everything on top of losing your mum. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to cope with two such horrific events at the same time, but your mum would be really proud of you.

Take care x

Hey Whyme just a little nudge to say we're all thinking of you no matter what. KOKO.

Hi Whyme just checking you are ok, you've been quiet, sending you a hug, x

Sorry for disappearing for a bit. I haven't been very well due to my medication etc.

Plus he's trying a different game now. Instead of all the texts etc he has started to send me emails with very polite requests to see the girls. No more demanding, abuse etc. Don't know how to take this Mr Nice Guy. Think he maybe trying to demonstrate that he can be reasonable etc. But it's too late for that.

Every time he takes the children I worry that he will keep them. I've got a new court date for March but my worries intensify after each counselling session I have because what I have been though was not 'normal' and each session makes me more aware of the damage.

I'm just trying to get through one day at a time but I feel like each one is a struggle and now I have to contend with rashes, nosebleeds etc. He will never understand how difficult he's made my life. But despite that I have my children and they keep me going. If I hadn't had them I would have cracked up a long time ago.

My eldest asked me at teatime if children are so much hard work then why have them. I told her that having her and her sister meant everything to me - the hard work thing is true but I could not imagine life without them. (The only thing I regret is having him as the father.)

I will rise again - just don't know when.

Hope all you girls are hanging on in there - Sending hugs right back at you xx

The letters are for the benefit of the courts, WhyMe 'tis all. So he can say 'hey, I'm such a nice reasonable man'. He'll revert in time.

I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly on top of things, and I hope you get so good medication sorted out soon. Stress and anxiety, will undoubtedly, be making you feel much worse - so please, really do take as much care of yourself as you can. KOKO.

You will rise again.

Glad you've checked in, Whyme, was a little concerned, I'm sorry to hear he is playing different "mind games" now, something else to upset your equilibrium , especially as you have been unwell, a double whammy to deal with.
You will rise again, a beautiful Phoenix from the flames of his despair!
We are all supporting you , xx

Thanks girls.

Feeling a bit better today health wise but a bit depressed stbxh wise.
Memories keep popping back into my head, wedding, etc. I know that was another person but part of me just wants to pick up the phone and ask him 'why' - 'why all the lies', 'why all the manipulation', 'why me' etc etc. And I know I will never get answers but it's ripping me apart today.

Plus I know that he has always controlled me (counselling has open my eyes to all the unhealthy parts of our relationship) and I've always just gone along with what he wants - always thinking of him and never of me. Not sure who I am anymore. Sorry sounds like I'm rambling.

My head feels like it's going to burst. How do you silence the inner chatter?

He's still being Mr Nice guy on email and the latest solicitors letter says 'he endeavoring to help me' with mediation and the divorce. WTF?

His reincarnation is almost complete because he bought a suit and went to a wedding on Valentines day with I presume the current tart. He hasn't dressed up or attended any family function for years. He hated his family but now he's returned to their bosom. How nice for them all. Whoops - sound a bit bitter there - didn't mean it.

Now someone told that he's two timing the ow - now that would be funny. Serves her bloody right.

I can't wait till the day that I no longer care about him. I just hope it's soon.

My head is so mixed up with all the information that I've had thrown at me in the months that he has left that trying to decipher exactly what has happened is driving me mad. I've found out such shocking things that I shouldn't have any feelings for him left but they keep bubbling up. Arrrrrgggghhhh - what's wrong with me?

Whyme, there is nothing wrong with you, it is a perfectly normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You have had to deal with two of the most stressful and traumatic incidents that anyone has to deal with;
The breakdown of your marriage
The death of your beloved mum

One of these on its own is enough to cause the feelings of despair and hopelessness you are experiencing, so to have this "double whammy" to deal with is twice as hard to cope with.

They each carry their own burdens as well, disbelief that your ex could treat you in such a callous and deceitful way, manipulating you and your children so he comes out looking the "good guy"( which he isn't of course, he's a total twat)
And feeling guilty that you haven't grieved properly over your mum, and sadness that she isn't here when you could really do with her love and support.

I am four months down the line since my stbx left, and after doing ok initially, have experienced a massive 'crash' lately. Like you these thoughts and feelings never leave my head, things he said and did in those months leading up to our separation keep coming back to haunt me. He is carrying on his relationship as if our 28 years together meant nothing compared to his 6 months with her.

So I can completely understand what you are going through, I am exactly the same, as are many other women going through this horrible process.
It is more difficult in your case as you have young children to consider, with all the problems with contact, that brings.

It is so unfair, so unjust, what has happened between you, and he has been particularly cruel in his treatment of you. I do think unfortunately that it is just time that will heal the scars, and I know that's so hard to hear, when you think you can't bear it a minute longer, and just want the thoughts to stop. You're not alone, Whyme , keep going, x

Hi Just read your posts....have you considered he is a sex and love addict?
I hope you are getting along better and things have moved on for you..look at SLAA web site
thinking of you x