Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Sordid is right. Maybe they think if they give them enough sex then they won't go elsewhere.

It's beyond me too, but he didn't give a toss about how I might feel when he was going round hers so I don't suppose it mattered to him that I was at home.

People won't be impressed when they see what she has put on Facebook, they will just think the truth - that she is sad and pathetic and attention seeking. Your lovely days out with your daughters would have been much more of interest to anyone decent looking at it. x

You're right about ...if they give them enough they won't go elsewhere...well that's a solid grounding for a relationship - a slag and a serial cheater!

I've had another thought perhaps she's done this on purpose. She knows it will get back to me. Just another way to inflict pain on the destroy wife and family. God they must be so proud of their behaviour. And all the sad people who actually bothered to comment on their activities.

Thanks iwas...we did have lovely days out...i will always put my girls first just a shame he never did.
xx

Its purely to get at you, without a single though of how it is going to make either of them look. Wouldnt surprise me if she had colleagues etc on her FB, her type usually add everyone and anyone they have ever met. Thats going to look good at work isnt it?!

Imagine this isnt your STBX, but a "friend" of yours. You know he had an affair and dumped his wife and then the next thing you know, his OW is posting stuff like this. What would you think? You would think they were both sad and pathetic and your heart would go out to his ex and kids.

Thats what is happening with most people who see this, the odd ones who commented positively are just as bad as they are and can be safely discounted. How many replied compared to how many FB friends they both have? Not very many I bet!

Sit back and let the car crash unfold. At some point it will all blow up in spectacular fashion and he will be left humiliated, embarrassed and feeling utterly stupid. Its at this point he will beg to come home and you tell him to fuck off :)

You probably can already guess my advice, WhyMe - which is don't read their FB page! It's all a load of tosh in my opinion. Tell your friends that he and she are dead to you and you don't wish to hear anything about them. It's easier that way in the long term. It really helps give you a few days when you can just forget about the divorce and just enjoy yourself for a bit at a time. Take care.

Did she say the sex was with your ex...

I always think with people like this of Dory in Finding Nemo 'just keep swimming'

You're right WWK ...I should have ignored it but sometimes you just have to look even when you know full well it's going to hurt.

I would so love the chance to tell him to f off but I don't think he will ever come back. He's supposedly going to marry her as soon as the divorces come through. Perhaps they could get a discount at the country club because the jacuzzi is already contaminated and it will have to be fumigated.

Still swimming.

Further bizarre fact of my life....just been sorting out and found a sealed white envelope with 'why?' on the front in my handwriting. I opened it and omg! It was dated 27th Feb 2005 3.40am. We had been going through a bad patch I had written how I felt. I had also written some of the terrible things he had done and said to me. I'm shocked. I'd even put 'emotional abuse'. It's pages and pages of hurt.

After reading it why did I put up with him for another 9 and a half years until he walked out!

You put up with it because you believed you were doing the right thing for you and your children. There's nothing to feel ashamed of about that. The important thing going forward is you don't emotional abuse yourself, you live in an emotionally-abuse free home, and you survive your divorce and come out of it happy and healthy.

The ultimate 'fuck off' you can give him is to make every pretence that you couldn't care less that he's gone.

You're right..I need to practice the 'fuck off' face for court.

He is a complete twat as he sent my daughter a photo today of her and her sister in his 'pad' with two wine glasses positioned in the background and what appears to be a bottle of champagne! Well...he hated champagne and never drank that with me even on honeymoon.

So he's gone from a middle aged dad to a champagne charlie! Wanker!

.......but still middle aged, sad bastard!

...exactly!

Had to tell me eldest daughter today that we would probably be moving house. She was extremely upset.

Then I found out later that she has told him that she wants to meet the OW.

I feel like this woman has come in and just taken over my life.

Are you sure she told him that, or did he say 'would you like to meet OW, she wants to meet you?', and, being polite (and naive), your DD said yes?

Yes, he said would you like to meet her, she's a funny girl and my daughter said she would like to meet her. I know she's only 12 but I feel betrayed. I would of course never say anything to her but it does hurt.

My daughter was really off with me tonight and I've now found out other stuff that he's told her that's my fault. I believe his constant picking fault with me is maternal alienation. How can this be right? I don't say anything against him despite what he's done.

Can't sleep again tonight...feel like my children are being ripped from me.

He's never actively been part of the family...he's worked away so much he's hardly been with the children in school holidays. Even when I broke my foot he didn't come home. He's only spent 1 Christmas out of the last 12 with us.
He never actively wanted to participate in any of the childrens activities. He wasn't interested in their schools etc. But now he's using them as a weapon against me. He's reinventing himself and wants time with the children.

Why-just read all your posts. Bloody hell! What a shit! I feel so bad for you and DD's. I'm sorry I can't give you constructive advice. Just want you to know I feel for you and hope this dickhead will give you some peace. I escaped an abusive relationship years ago, literally moved with my DC's hundreds of miles away with just the clothes we were wearing.
for you and DD's.

The best thing you can do is stop bringing up all these things from the past and move on. He has done a terrible thing, no one deserves to be cheated on, but it's happened. From all your posts I can see you have turned very very bitter. You need to accept whats done is done and move on with your life for you and the kids. You can't blame your husband for what happened to you mum either though I send my condolences as that couldn't have happened at a worse time for you. You chose to have kids with this man so stop using your children as weapons and not letting him have the same access rights as you. Trust me your children will only resent you for it. At some point they will meet his new partner which again you are just going to have to accept. It takes a bigger person to pick themselves up and carry on with their lives. You can't slag him off on here forever getting everyone to agree with what a tosser he is. And please stop stalking her face book and see what your doing to yourself before it's too late. Also I know of plenty of people who don't get a penny from there exes let alone them offering to pay maintenance, mortgage and buy you a car. You can't moan you didn't have money for a car then refuse the one he gets you as its too small? Youv said in a few of your posts about him having two cars now however if you just accepted the golf in the first place and gave back the Audi then you would've saved yourself trouble. Yes he was unfaithful but does that mean he should now pay for your car, all the mortgage and utility bills to somewhere he isn't living anymore? I know I wouldn't.

Pop54 - bloody hell are you the OP's ex??

This man is responsible for helping keep a roof over his DC's heads and should be paying for these things until a financial settlement has been agreed. Just because he left, it does not mean he stops paying the bills.

He is the one using the DC as a weapon - not OP who has behaved impeccably. She has not even told the DC what he is really like - unlike him who keeps telling the DC all kinds of nasty stuff.

OP is FULLY entitled to come on here to vent and seek advice & support.

cunning cat...thanks for the support.

pop54...are you my stbxb or his OW? Or have you both found my thread and thought you'd put it from your side? If you're someone else then you have absolutely no idea of what this man has done. I have only shared part of what he's done on mumsnet.
I have never used my children as weapons but he has and is still using the family courts to attack me.

Stalking her on facebook...Are you for real ...I'm not sitting here tracking her every bloody move. She shouldn't put her sexual exploits on there in the public domain and my daughter can see it via her Facebook. Do you think that's ok for a 12 year old to see what her dad gets up to?

So you propose that I should have said ok you've cheated with prostitutes, other women on plenty of fish.com and the ow but I understand darling. You go have your life and I'll just melt away.

With maintenance etc...he gives me different amounts each month and less than half the mortgage. He cancelled all my utility bills and took the credits...so that's ok is it?

As for the car...buy me a car! He put the Golf on finance (using false details) and could take it at any point. He traded in our fully paid for Merc for the Audi. He used the police to take the Audi in front of my children. They thought he had been arrested. Another example of a caring parent.

Actually I don't know why I'm defending myself to you. I have actually done nothing wrong. He walked out not me. He created this mess.

I came to mumsnet for support and I have found some wonderful people. I take their advice and I find comfort in knowing there are caring people out there who are going through the same thing as me. We support each other.

You are entitled to your opinion but I will not be taking your advice.

Neither...thanks for the kind words.
Again another example of caring mumsneters. Thank you.

Been lurking on here since my stbxh turned into a shit like your whyme and have just read pop54's post and it knocked me so god only knows how you felt after you read it.. well done on your constructive and assertive reply..take care and keep sharing , its sad but it does help to know we are not alone x

No maybe not but I'm just going off what Iv read. That wasn't meant to be an attack, like many iv been in a similar situation and also know people who have too. He will still be using the courts won't he, he just wants the same access as you. As vile as he is he is still their dad. And I didn't mean stalking as literally. Just why keep looking if it's upsetting you. She can put whatever she wants on her facebook as tacky as it is, if your not happy with what your daughter is looking at on the Internet then stop her using it or block the things your not happy with her seeing? Who said you should be understanding of what he did because I certainly didn't. Like I said its a terrible thing but what's done is done nothing you can say on here will change it. It's all about your children now nothing else they don't want to see you fighting all the time. They will be much happier seeing you both or will resent you for it. If your both deciding to keep the house then he should pay half which is equal. It was definitely wrong to take the credits but he can't pay for every utility Bill forever now he has his own place. An agreed maintenance should be sorted out for the children. To be honest iv never known anyone do it the way that you's two have, normally as much as a ball ache it is, the house gets sold, you both get equal shares and start again. The car situation anyone would be mad at as like youv said the merc was fully paid for before it got traded in. But you also said you couldn't afford a car so that would have been a temp way to fix things and get the kids to school.
You don't have to defend yourself I'm just seeing it from the other people involved point of views. Yes he did create it and it's not your fault that's not what I'm saying! And your threads are just slagging him off post after post and it's basically just everyone agreeing with you. You can't get any more advice other than to see a solicitor which is what your doing. I just don't see how you keep bringing up the prostitutes and other woman is supposed to help you move on? I thought you would say that and I'm sure this thread will still be on here next year repeating the same things. And youl still be feeling just as hurt because your not letting your self move on. I'm not saying your not entitled to be upset but you just keep mentioning the ow and are sounding very bitter. It's about sorting maintenance and access out now and nothing else.

Pop54. I will just repeat this one more time - Op comes here for support. She is entitled to feel the way she does about the whole business and I am sure she will find it much easier to move on if her ex starts behaving more reasonably and stop being such an abusive prick, using the divorce/access process to hurt her (and the DC).

You do not have to read her postings so please feel free to leave this thread if you cannot offer support or constructive advice

It's people like you that are encouraging her to be bitter

I haven't read anything today bar Pop's first post. However, I would just like to say that we all want to move on and away from any bitter feelings. But part of that process is working through all of the feelings, including anger.