Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Just sat and read this whole thread......

You HAVE to stop engaging with him.
Tell him you will only reply to emails. Block his number. Turn your phone off.

Report him for the things he is doing. Tell the police you are scared of him. This will not go down well with his superiors.

Am so sorry re the death of your Mum. What a terrible shock.

Are you working at the moment? I know you have health issues but wondered what the situation was now.

Am thinking of you but PLEASE STOP ENGAGING WITH HIM.

Thanks for all the kind words girls. Sometimes it just all gets on top of me.

I will carry on for my girls and my dad and I will get through it but i can't stop my mind doing it's own thing sometimes.

I've even had the feeling that he will just walk back in and sit down as normal ! What am I thinking? Sometimes the amount of hurt hes caused rips through me like a knife. Was I so stupid to not see what he's done to us over the years. He's emotionally and financially crippled me.

But my mind keeps replaying pictures of our wedding and holidays etc - it's like my life flashing before me only in slow mo when I do not want it.
I feel like a complete fool - I paid for the holidays, even the honeymoon, I always paid for the big things. Until I had no money left and he makes a break for it. I've found he even took money from our mortgage to pay for my 40th birthday present!

He even moved £3 interest from an old internet savings account to his current account recently. Bloody good job I've got no gold teeth!

He's also played another game of visiting a friend of mine who I trusted and who now thinks stbxh is been honest and reasonable - what f ing planet is she on?

The plus side is that I've finally got a little car - and I can get my children to school without paying out for taxis. He's still driving round in the Audi (plus the golf) like the self entitled twat that he is. He said the Audi was too big for me and the girls but it fits his ego just right and of course his new pot noodle family.

He's also leaving messages on my home phone now - accusing me of not answering the phone! If I don't answer he then sends me a text and/or rings my mobile. I'm managing to ignore him but I've a nasty feeling he's setting me up for something else.

I'm still on long term sick at the moment and my consultant has slowed down my coming off steriods etc due to the condition coming back in December. I think my recovery has been slowed down due to the behaviour of the twat.

Change your house phone number. Have a mobile just for him.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about the distress his harassing behaviour is causing you?

If you don't want to do that can you call your phone provider and block his number? You can bar calls from with held numbers..and as pp said get a mobile which is just for him.

You can't change him but you must change the way you react to him. The most he deserves is a bored, oh god there he goes again with further twat behaviour. You are going to be in vague touch with him for years because of the children and you cannot let your life be ruled by reacting to his nastiness or sitting on pins waiting to see what's next. Move him to one side of your life and build a brick wall between you.

He's not going to come back, but he will continue to make your life a misery as long as you let him.

You're right - I need to take control and change the way I react.

He phoned again at a different time tonight and like an idiot I answered. He then proceeded to tell me that he can see a time when he will pick the girls up from the door and we will be friends. WTF! What f ing planet is he actually on.

We have a new court date so I will be speaking to my solicitor tomorrow.

WhyMe I know first hand just how tough it is not to react, but that's why you've got yourself a solicitor - for them to react for you, you just practice sitting back and being pretty! If you look anything like me - that's really hard work!

If he rings at a time set by him, you tell him it is not convenient to call right now and stipulate a time when it is. BUT you don't have to entertain any communication from him, aside from email, because it's sensible given his volatility, to get everything in writing. Trust me on this - few, if any of those emails, get presented to court (if it goes that far), but it helps the legal teams get a sense of his logic/reasoning, which helps them figure out where he is coming from. I can see now how it all pulls together in a hearing, so not every shitty email is before the judge, but a few key ones can be placed there...

They do (from my experience) go through a 'faux' charming phase when something is happening they are not happy about. Rest assured, he'll still be plotting...and on this I speak with great authority!

I also ceased contact with anyone who maintained they wanted to remain friends with both of us. It's sad, but I have acquired lots of new friends over time to fill the gap.

I'm sorry you are so poorly - It's expected that the person left goes through great stress in divorce, so of course it will aggravate any on-going illnesses you have. Just keep visiting your GP. And try to be as nice as you can to yourself.

Finally got a new mobile for him only. Text him to say that was now the number to contact the girls on and he still tries to contact us on other numbers. I've now blocked him on my mobile and even taking to switching the house phones off to stop him. Again told him to go through my solicitor if he wants to speak to me. Once the house phones were switched on again back he was asking to speak to the girls - am I not speaking English? He also tried to find out the date of my mums funeral via the girls - he told me he could turn up if he wanted ! What type of person is he?

We finally had my mums funeral and everything went as well as could be - we did her proud. Even down to funny little things that only meant anything to people in the know. For the first time in months I came out of the service at peace - I hope that doesn't sound awful but he wasn't in my head.

People came to pay their respects that we hadn't seen in years and it was lovely to see that she meant so much to them after all this time.

My family and friends supported us and those in the know kept an eye out in case he had the nerve to turn up but thank fully he didn't.

I think I'm numb now but i suppose the huge reality of living without mum will register sometime. I still think she will just be there when I open door.

Unfortunately my little car appears to new a new gear box so again no car for a while but hey in the scheme of things it's not important. It will get fixed. So back to taxis to get my children to school again.

Got another solicitors letter so back to that on Monday.

Yey! You've just imposed your first boundary. Now stick with it because it will piss him off enormously that you are now making your rules.

Yes, he will escalate. That's what you have a solicitor to manage.

Once again, my condolences to you and your family. It is truly awful what you have had to deal with in recent weeks. Thank Goodness he didn't turn up, but he had threatened to do so. Use that, if you feel it's appropriate, as your 'reminder' the next time he threatens anything.

Take care. You're doing okay WhyMe.

Have you got/can you get caller display on your landline? It costs a pound or two a month from some providers but well worth it. Otherwise can you screen calls to the landline with an answer phone, or tell the children not to answer if it rings, leave it to you and then hang up if its him without saying a word. He's been told to call the mobile only and if he doesn't he can take the consequences.

So glad that your mum's funeral was so comforting, and that you have people to support you in real life.

Thanks for the continuing support girls. Writing things down does help.

I'm trying to stick with it but he's a complete twat.

We have got caller display and my eldest daughter actually doesn't pick the phone up - even when she has seen it's his number. I haven't even had to say that.

When she does speak to him on the mobile he does all the talking and only appears to make her upset when she comes of the phone. Which is worrying.

My little one is a normal 4 year old who speaks on the phone when she's in the mood - he's told me I have to make her talk to him! Again that is my fault!

He rang up yesterday but only had five mins to talk to them as he was off to work - he had the cheek to have a go at me because the girls didn't come straight to the phone and he would be late for his train! Well he should make a bit more bloody effort and give them more of his time. Fuckwit. I also told him perhaps he could drive in to work in one of his cars!

Sounds like quite a lot of engaging to me. You really have to take control of the contact conversations. They should be at a set time, and there's no need for you to talk to him at all, just hand the phone to the kids. If you have an amicable relationship with your ex, or are at a stage when you can be civil, a quick hello is OK. Stop giving him the opportunity to have a go at you. A hostile tone or word and the phone goes down. You have to reset the boundaries, because if you keep talking to him like this you are prolonging his power over you which extends how long you will suffer.

If the children don't want to talk to him just say sorry, they won't come to the phone, try again on xday at xoclock and end the call. His relationship with his children is his responsibility, you should neither force nor obstruct contact. There's no need to tell him all this, its enough for you to know in your own mind that you are right. He sounds like he lives on a very illogical plane so what's the point trying to reason with an idiot?

Don't engage with him! Its great that you sound strong and positive these days, you are obviously getting him out of your system gradually and that takes time, but soon you will be back to your pre-tosser husband self.

You're right he does live on a very illogical planet. Plus I'll try the phone thing. Thanks.

He used to say to be but 'I'd never hit you' but he didn't actually have to because he controlled me by other means. Only just realised that at counselling today.

If only he could just stay away.

Just had the twat on the phone again - my little one picked it up - he talked to both girls for two mins then told my eldest he was going to see her tomorrow night. This has not been agreed - he then said he wanted to talk to me - I said no but my daughter started to get upset. I then spoke to him and he started on me - I told him I would put the phone down if he carried on talking to me like that and guess what - I did! F ing twat. Who does he think he is.

Either a) explain to your daughter calmly that because you and her dad argue about what has been said, it is best for you communicate in writing for the time being, so that means you don't want to talk to him on the phone for a while.

Or b) take the phone, hang up and have a brief pretend call with him.

Well done for hanging up. The first time I did that to my ranting ex he called me straight back and when I answered said "we were cut off". Thick skinned and thick. Set your boundaries, you are the one in charge.

Thanks that gives me ideas for future calls. Bet he rings again tonight.

What gives them the right to think the world revolves around them.

My solicitor told me today to take no more nonsense and call the police if he comes near me. Rather liking my new solicitor.

Got to prepare for court so seeing him tomorrow.

Finding some days harder then others - really missed my mum today - little things just set me off :(

I was with my solicitor the day my mum passed away so I feel like I was robbed of her last few hours.

You have been robbed of a great deal so you're feelings are perfectly okay on this. Don't feel for one minute you need to be doing any better than you are.

Good luck in court. It's stressful (especially the first time you go, and don't know what to expect) but you won't have to speak. Hopefully, your solicitor has told you what to expect but they don't always. So here's my advice: sit there, look anxious, but keep calm at all times. Expect to hear some very upsetting/offensive things said about you. Sing 'Beatles' tunes in your head to blot this out and stop you reacting. Take some paper with you, so if you need to communicate you can write it down. Also, take a flask with you - even if you're only expecting a twenty minute appointment, as it can easily drag on, be delayed, cancelled etc. Wear comfortable clothes - smartish is fine, but dolled up in a suit isn't necessary.

Meet your solicitor in the car park. Stay in your car, doors locked, until s/he arrives so that you can't easily be 'got at'.

Good to read you've got a solicitor you're comfortable with - it's vital as you go through this, because it's a really tough process.

Take care.

Hello, marking the thread to follow, due to connection on the other post. Will catch up with events in full. Xx

Marking this time

Had a really tough week.

Coroner finally gave us the results of the investigation - natural causes! I still think the stress caused to my family by him was a contributing factor.

He is still up to his old tricks...trying the mobile, text, home phone, email, answer phone - think he'll try bloody carrier pigeon next. Perhaps I should invent a 'fuckwit' detector - I'd earn bloody millions - he'd want half of that as well.

I've got more letters from my DA group but I'm still told that despite having evidence of him manipulating (etc) my eldest he will still get overnight access. How do I know that he won't turn his aggression onto the girls if me or the dog are not there?

We maybe able to try for a gradual build up due to my little one (who still cries out for me every night and is still confused over where nanny is.) She thinks when nanny is fixed she'll be coming back.

Plus I've been told it doesn't matter what type of father he's been so far I still have to hand them over. I know lots of you will be shouting it's not 'fathers right' or 'mothers rights but it's the childrens right to have a relationship with the father but what if that father is using them as a weapon to hurt the mother? He's proved time and time again he couldn't care a toss for them. I've only put a fraction of what he's done on MN.

He won't actually know what to do with them for more than an hour. I'm not saying that they shouldn't have a relationship with him but why isn't he being psychologically tested etc. They want to know everything about my ptsd but he carries guns so he must be ok!

I'm in court next week and absolutely dreading it. He'll turn up with his pot noodle family and be all smug and I'm a police officer don't you know act.

He'll probably portray his new family unit as a step up from living with the psychologically deranged woman that he's actually going to leave the kids with the majority of the time.

Sorry - just felt like a rant.

This situation is exactly why you really must report him - that way you lay a paper trail with the authorities.

Not reporting him means no one has any records of his abuse and are therefore obliged to grant his full access etc.

Hey this is sending the biggest hug I can muster I too lost a darling husband after 25 years and so much of your story rings true... thankfully dd were 20 and 16 by then... mine too was charming thought to be pillar of community by all etc etc. Amazing what has come out of the woodwork since then all I can send to you is love and support you are doing ALL the right things am so sad you lost your mum but I too have leaned on my father...truly the worst day of my life telling them of it all.....

two mantras I CAN HANDLE THIS and THIS TOO WILL PASS... you are a strong woman and only at the start of the journey this began for me Nov 2011 and today I received the final granting of my divorce I raise a glass to you and say hang on in there honey YOU can do this and show your girls how strong women behave - you pray they wont need this knowledge in the future but what an example you will be to them. You can bet they will choose their partners v v carefully...

BYW my friends who I never ever heard use the word all called my EX (oh boy that's official now) EX a C**t sums him up beautifully. Stay strong girl MN is amazing wish I had found it years ago xx

Rant away, my love, scream, weep, rend your clothing, just get it out.
What a terrible ordeal you are going through, dealing with this bastard and losing your mum.
We are here to listen and help if we can, or just give you a virtual shoulder to cry on. Sending you love and strength, xx

^

Wot Hobbit says. Ditto.

Whyme, I really just wanted to acknowledge your situation.

Ive been in similar and now know for a fact that the old saying of ' you can fool some of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time' is true.

There are better days ahead of you, ones that don't hurt so much, but its entirely normal to not be able to take this thought on board right now.

I hope today is a bit better for you.

Why, just wanted to say you are in my thoughts. PM if you need to, of course.