Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

You're right it is one day at a time.

My little girl had us all in tears today. We went to see my dad and she went in took her coat off then proceeded to go upstairs. I asked her where she was going and she said to see nanny of course. I had to explain to her again that nanny was in heaven but she was really concerned that nanny would have no where to sleep. She asked if they have houses in heaven and how did she get there did she jump into the sky? Bless her.

Looks like the twat is on a back foot - he's made an error in his court papers and we pointed it out. We told him that if he went ahead and it got thrown out of court we would claim costs. He's now back peddling fast and has agreed to an adjournment! Fingers crossed we get it and it might be long enough for me to get my legal aid sorted.

Tried to collate all the text messages tonight but it's taken me forever. Think I'll call it a day now and try to sleep.

When I look at my beautiful girls asleep it breaks my heart that he will have the privilege to have them overnight. I keep them safe - god knows what/who he will have in his house.

Hi

Even on Christmas day he couldn't leave me alone.
It's harassment - he was so cruel. He is a true bully - just never realised to the depths he would go. I begged him to leave me alone.

My solicitor will be hearing about his behaviour directly the office opens. He should not be able to get away with this.

He claims he's just a desperate dad but he's a nasty, evil bully who will stop at nothing to destroy me.

My children have helped me get through today and he tried to wreck it. So that's a good father?

Hey you - glad to see you're KOKOing. Sounds awful. I'm guessing that he decided he wanted some 'family time' on his terms?

He is very cruel, yes, he sounds like a shit father to be honest.

Unfortunately, there is very, very little you can do when they go into 'full on righteous indignation mode' except:

No contact.

Only reply on things of a factual nature, e.g. amounts, times, dates. No blackmail/no emotional stuff.

Despite your emotional reactions to what he does, you're going to have to be incredibly self-disciplined because anything you do is going to be misconstrued by the other side.
He can't bully you if you don't engage with him (well, he'll still try...)

It will get easier in time. Today must have been a very tough day for you, but hey - next year will be better!

'family time' he wouldn't know family time if it hit him in the face.

I know I shouldn't react to his nastiness but sometimes I just feel the need to defend myself and my family. My mum could never see any wrong in him until recently - I never told her all the facts. My poor dad knows everything.

I now truly know he is using the children to hurt me. God I'am so stupid why didn't I see this horrible bully years ago and run. Instead he will have the right to bully and control my children and emotional abuse them until he is bored of them.

Of course, you feel the need to defend yourself. There's nothing unnatural about that feeling, especially if you can't see what (if anything) you're doing 'wrong'. You're under immense attack for goodness' sake.

My advice, though, is to NOT defend yourself. Batten down the hatches for a while and ignore the bully.

The trick [to my mind] is to focus on what you know you're doing right and keep doing it. We can all cast aspersions in any direction on a whim, but it doesn't make them true/right for you. Be confident in your decisions, be certain that you're doing them for the right reasons and own your own mind.

For example -

I would NOT be going into a final hearing if I hadn't got a solicitor and hung on to her for dear life.

I would NOT be going into a final hearing if I had just done what he told me to do!

I would NOT be going into a final hearing if I hadn't believed the fucker when he said 'for better for worse'.

Are you going to tell me, it's all my fault? Seriously?

I'm okay with my decision to seek legal advice. I'm okay with not living my life for his benefit. I am NOT okay with my decision to believe the fucker! [But I'm working on that].

Tried to ignore his rantings today but he's calculated.

He was supposed to be seeing my girls but unfortunately they both had temperatures last night and my little one was still poorly this morning (40 + and being sick). So my little one stayed with me. And yes I know he will try to use that against me as well. But I put the interests of my daughter first at all times. Although perhaps I should have sent her and she could have been sick over his precious Audi.

Anyway, I had arranged for someone else to do the drop off and pick up but he continued to text me trying to change the meeting point etc. He then started swearing saying what was I playing at etc etc. The man is deranged.

He eventually picked up my eldest at the correct meeting point but was late. He blamed me. I wasn't even there but cctv cameras where.

He was supposed to comply to a set of rules but appeared to break
everyone of them. He started texting again and wanted to change the pick up point again I stated that he should comply with the agreement he made with my solicitor.

My daughter came home very upset and confused and I'm not sure how to help her. I would never tell her what a shit her dad is and that he is using her but he appears to be bullying and controlling her. He's had years of practice. At bedtime she was so clingy - how do I protect her from him?

Why are you engaging with him so much?let someone else drop off and pick up.

Pick up time is x location at xpm. If he is not there, the kids are brought home. He has missed contact and will be on time next time or miss again.

Have a mobile only for contact/emergencies and don't check it othewise and don't respond to irrelevant messages.
Did you ever report his behaviour to the police? An armed officer behaving this badly should not be on duty. This has been asked a few times. An emotionally disturbed officer should be reported for the sake of public safety but you seem to duck out of answering.

E

I did have someone else to do the drop off and pick up. I followed my solicitors advice.

Ok - I haven't reported him yet because I'm scared of him. He's accused me of awful things and I am frightened of him taking my children. That's the bottom line.

If he wanted your children full time he would have put in a petition at the same time as he left. He sounds like a hugely manipulative abusive man. He will threaten you with the loss of your children but if you ever call his bluff that's the last time he will mention custody. He only uses access as a way to manipulate you. Have you heard of The Freedom Programme? It is available online, but in person is better.

I don't mean to attack you and kick you when you are down, you sound like the same kind of normal well behaved woman as I was who is baffled by a wanker when he is fucking up your life...it seems to me you are still hoping he will realise what a great girl you are and be nice and do the right thing- he has shown you he is a psychopath. So get angry, give him rules, make him do what you say. I can understand its a scary new life you werent expecting,but it can be a much better one too.

I have attended the Freedom programme and I'm starting it again in January on the counselors advice. They have been so supportive. It's been mind blowing to think that I put up with all his shit for years and didn't see it. I've been controlled beyond belief. I'm still trying to come to terms with what I have been through.

I'am also baffled by the fact that he is playing these games with me. I can understand him hating me but leave my girls out of it.

He doesn't want the children so just leave them alone and I will bring them up just like I always have done. But how do I protect them from his perversions?

I'm trying to stick to what I say but will the courts back me?

I haven't posted before but have followed your thread since it started. I am so sorry you are having to go through this shit but go through it you must and I think somewhere, somehow you have got to find a way to stop engaging with this man. He is an arse and yes, quite possibly deranged and is doing nothing except fuck with your head continually. All the time you continue to rise to his attempts to unnerve and engage with you, you are fueling his fire. If the arranged contact was organised via a solicitor any attempt to change drop off/pick up could be met with a simple "the girls will be dropped off at xxx, at such & such time, as per arrangements with solicitor". End of. You turn up as planned. If he doesn't then its his loss. Personally I wouldn't reply at all and do the contact as arranged. If challenged I'd say "what text??!". Let him prove you actually got it.

One thing I will say is that you keep saying"my girl's". Much as it pains you, they are unfortunately both your children and they have every right to see and have a relationship with their father. I understand that you feel you are protecting them but until you have something on record (and report him), officially what are you protecting them from? I'm afraid for you that he will twist things and you are going to get screwed over in court for being awkward over contact. You must report him or you have no proof or record of his unreasonable behaviour to back up your claims in court.

Take care. I know how debilitating it is to have your life whipped away from you but my underlying feeling is that you need to get tough. He is not going to play nice so you need to harden up and match him! Do you have much rl support?

The problem with not reporting him is that he will continue his abuse. Also you are more likely to have a harder time fighting him through the courts if there are no records of his behaviour and abuse.

Start protecting yourself and the girls by reporting him.

I haven't reported him yet because I'm scared of him.

Fair point, good reason. You have to protect yourself and your children.

The flip side of the coin is that it 'permits' him to carry on behaving badly because he can rely on the fact that you're too scared to do anything about it.

He's accused me of awful things and I am frightened of him taking my children.

Has anyone, other than HIM, told you there is a real risk of your children being removed from your care? Listen to THEM first. Listen to HIM last.

I agree... why are you assuming that courts, social services, police, whoever he is threatening you with, will automatically believe him and just remove the children? It doesn't work like that. Perfectly happy, secure and well adjusted children will not just be removed. You have to stop listening and believing his threats. If he honestly believes and has proof that you are an unfit parent, why hasn't he acted on it before now? Why has he left two children whom he deems unfit to care for them??

Its all stuff and nonsense. Empty threats. I think I'd be inclined to report him for his abuse, then sit back and say to him do your worse. Please Whyme... its heartbreaking to read that you continually let this arse batter and bully you. He is a vile specimen and the sooner you stand up to his bullying the better you get. Taking control and not taking his bullying will empower you to stand up to him more and more.

It's just a matter of control and manipulation, he has lost all sense of reason, or fairness where you are concerned. He is just fucking with your head because he can, he knows it will worry and upset you when he causes problems over contact with your daughters. Log all instances of threats or abuse, keep all texts and emails. You sound like an amazing person, and are going through such a difficult time, I just wanted to send you love and support. Just because of his job, it doesn't automatically mean they will believe him over you, please take care.

I suppose there is the problem of his pension. If he gets sacked or demoted that would be affected and that would have a knock on effect on child maintenance, so its a bit tricky in practical terms.

I split from my sons dad 15 years ago and I've known a lot of single mums. Honestly, all the dads who were told they could see their kids whenever they wanted, could phone any time - they just didn't bother. It seems that what makes dads cross is the feeling that they are being told what to do. Its risky but maybe if he had the impression that you wanted him to have the kids regularly so you can go out and have a great time, do a course maybe, he would decide to miss access to mess up your plans. If he's as awful as you say they will make their own choices soon enough, if he behaves badly you can apply to vary the order. Get advice from your solicitor, log everything with times and dates and keep all texts and emails.

This awful time will pass and you will get your life back. Keep going and try to do something nice for yourself every day. Take care my dear xx

He is calling your bluff and by not reporting him, you're allowing him to keep manipulating you. He is doing it because he knows he can get away with it as you haven't reported it. I believe he will continue until you do so.

Flip it on its head. He has accused you of awful things. Yet he has left the children with you, barely sees them, and hasn't petitioned for full time custody. If you were truly so awful would he have left the kids with you? The answer is no.

It's about power, and this is awful for you, but the only way you're going to stop the cycle is by reporting him.

As I've said before, I know it's hard, and I know it's scary. However, he is in a position of responsibility, with a firearm, and his superiors need to know about this. If he had really reported you for being so awful, you would have had social services knocking at your door by now.

OMG! Seen something else that is not right. Don't know which way to turn. He'll probably say it's a joke but I'm not laughing.

All the more reason to report him.

Hopefully you didn't react to whatever it is because with no reaction or response from you he doesn't get his kicks.

Had court case adjourned. At least it gives me more time.

I'd been doing so well ignoring his text etc and then for some reason I just flipped and I told him that he put us on the breadline and was he happy for doing that etc. Of course what did I expect as an answer. All I got was abuse and that I should sack my solicitors and he said he would come round that day to discuss contact arrangements. At this point I came to my senses and said that if he came anywhere near me I would ring 999. He has accused me of domestic violence so why would he want to be near me? He again said that he could do exactly what he wanted when he wanted including changing the locks back etc.

I think I was feeling down and vulnerable and was searching for something that has never and will never be there. I know what he is but coming to terms with the fact that my whole married life appears to be a figment of my imagination is very hurtful. I have lost two people who I trusted and leaned on in a short space of time. I feel like I'm drifting. I do try everyday to be stronger but sometimes I could scream. Why me?

I know it sounds silly but jealously has also started creeping back. I want to know about the OW - I want to know the reasons why he walked out - but I know I will never get to the bottom of it. I know he will lie.

Sometimes I pray that I will get some peace from this never ending circle of hurt. I know some of you will say that I need to get stronger but it's so hard sitting here on my own.

I know he's a bastard and I could never take him back but I'm finding it harder day by day.

It sounds like HE is scared from what you've posted. This desperation to get rid of your solicitor must be because he is afraid she will do you some harm.

Once again, stop engaging with him in any way whatsoever. To be brutal, this could go on for as long as he wants if you keep engaging with him. You can't do anything about him so change how you react to him. Be the stonewall, any of his nonsense just bounces off you. Bounce it to your solicitor if necessary. Contact should be regular and dependable for the children so really all that needs to come directly between you is a day, a time and a place for drop off.

This would be a hard time for anyone and the death of your mum on top is the last straw. In your place I'd be angry with him for interfering with the grieving process with his crap. But he always did like being the centre of your attention, didn't he?

Hey WhyMe - it seems to me you're hitting the lowest part of this now, when the shock and panic wears off, and the future appears to be so dreadful and so hopeless. It is a very, very tough place to be in. It's called depression. Do speak to your GP/counsellor about it. We've all had it.

What I'm taking from your post is that you've been NC for a while (great!) and then you let him back in, he took full advantage, and hurt you all over again. Do you see it that way?

Sure, he can change the locks back. Doesn't mean he will. He can threaten things but all he's doing is boasting about his rights whilst overlooking yours. You've got them and your solicitor is there to enforce them.

Yes, coming to terms with the fact that your/my married life appears to be a figment of your/my imagination is really tough. However, you looked at marriage according to your values and beliefs. So for you, it was real and valued. That's why it hurts now.

And it doesn't sound silly, it sounds perfectly normal and rational to me to be curious and wonder why he walked out. He chose to. You're at the bottom of it, I'm afraid. Your next step is up.

You don't need to get stronger, but one day at a time, you will heal and be stronger.

Take care. WhyMe.

Obviously I meant your ex is afraid your solicitor will do him harm, not you.