Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

What did your solicitor say when you showed her the texts which implied he was spying on you?

You should not engage with him. Solicitors letters only.

Perhaps you should take your daughter to the GP or just raise your concerns and see if you can get her a therapist to help her deal with the split, and discuss the attempts to get her to inform on you? This behaviour is very damaging and you don't have to wait for a crisis to ask for help. It could be that the therapist could see your husband and elain the harm he is doing. CAHMS were excellent when my son needed help.

Have you spoken to someone in the police force about his behaviour and his visit with two uniforms? I know someone who got demoted for looking up a numberplate for a friend. You have power but seem reluctant to use it.

You've done so well and coped with so much,I'm sure he has plenty more shit to throw . For your own sake put in place the measures that will keep him at a distance . he is harassing you and there are laws to stop that. Use them.

Please don't engage with him. Really, keep it squeaky clean, neutral and self-affirming. Don't be spiteful or difficult for the sake of it, be honest to yourself. You'll be glad of this later on!

he has turned down contact with the children again saying overnight or nothing

Well that's his choice. Tells you everything you need to know about his decision-making ability - it's all about him.

What about if the children want to see him?

Don't defend yourself - just focus on your integrity. You actions will speak louder than your words. If your children are attending school, doing well, fed, happy, children they will "speak" for you. Have a little confidence in yourself that 'you' are not who he says you are. You're not the Evil WhyMe just because he says so.

Oh and here's a pick me up story for you. At the SM hearing by way of telephone, Mr Snowey Whitey informed the judge that he hadn't received the bundle that SHL had sent him. Queue SHL jumping up, rushing off to the paralegal team, getting them to check that it had gone to the right email address, that no non-delivery message had come back. It was a heart-stopping moment as it could have been a disastrous oversight if Mr Snowey Whitey was right.

Note handed over to the SHB to confirm that all was well.

Further into proceedings Mr Snowey Whitey referred to the bundle.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Only just read you messages girls. Wish I had read them this morning because yet again he was texting and like an idiot I got drawn in. I didn't say anything though apart from please refer to my solicitor but all these texts feel like harassment. Got more tonight. This time asking to take them to breakfast.

He doesn't seem to read anything he gets from me. He just wants what he wants when he wants it.

Took the girls out today, while they were playing I got chatting to a lovely couple and they were very kind. My story just came out (obviously out of earshot of the kids). What am I like pouring my heart out to total strangers.

Don't think I told you this before but he took my daughter on her way home from school. She was an hour late home and I extremely worried as it was dark. What type of person would do that. She said that she was with a teacher but a friend saw her get out of the Audi.

I'm increasing worried about his behaviour.

scarily similar to my friend's situation a few years back, including the spying.
she is now remarried and very happy

Hi whyme
A short To Do list for you please:

1. Tell the police what he has and is doing to you. They will take a very dim view of a firearms officer behaving in this way
2. Tell your solicitor to write to him and his solicitor insisting that he stops all forms of harassment immediately
3. Block his number and give DD a basic phone so you can communicate directly with her if she is with her dad.
4. Remember that while initially it will look like OW has your "lovely life", that is exactly what it will be for her very shortly. A controlled, abusive existence that you have only recently had your eyes opened to see what it was in reality.

Please remember what I said. This too shall pass The trick is to ride the roller coaster to the very end, even if you know there were parts you were only hanging onto by your fingernails.

Have you reported him to the police? Please say that you have done this?

NO more texts - do not reply to his texts, ignore, ignore!

Thanks for all the supports girls.

Got another text late last night but I finally ignored it.

Seeing my new solicitor tomorrow and I'm hopeful that he will see it for what it is. I'm worried that as it's so close to Christmas everything will shut down and I wont have time to prepare for court. I've never been to court before so I'm bricking it.

I've also got CAFFCASS contacting me on Thursday. Very worried that if they interview my daughter she will say anything her father has put into her head. I will be the wicked witch of the west while he will be whiter than white.

I'm going to ask the solicitor tomorrow about reporting him because I've been told it might be better if I do it via him.

I admit that part of me is worried that if I do report him it will create even worse things for me.

This is probably a silly question but do women have rights anymore?

He can leave me financially crippled with two kids to support (push me on benefits) , take our car, cancel our bills (and take the credits), emotionally abuse me, stalk me, etc etc but I will be looked on as the evil ex wife with a stigma of single mother attached!

That love, is a searingly, honest post - and shared by every person in an acrimonious divorce, who up to this point in their life has generally not done (too!) much to bring the attention of the authorities to their door!

Pre-Teen/Teenager years can be really tough, even in the 'healthiest' of families (single parent families very much included), but in a home reeling from the shock of divorce, bad behaviour abounds. CAFCASS are used to this, and get involved early on - it's their job: be civil, welcoming and frank with them. A visit from CAFCASS and/or social services does not automatically mean you're failing as a parent! It's just part of the process.

Liken them to your midwife/gynaecologist. You might be a little precious about wafting your fanjo at the world - but they've seem them all, they know the difference between a healthy one and an unhealthy one.

Yes, reporting him may make things worse. It may also make him think twice. At the moment, doing nothing is a green light to him continuing as he thinks he's getting away with it. Responding to it, means you may well be giving away information, or worse, writing something that later comes back to bite you on the arse later. Everytime, I've taken STBXH to court, things have got worse as his sense of being 'mistreated' has heightened. I have to remind myself - he chose this for both of us. He's also the one who opted for a Final Hearing, rather than negotiate. There's nothing I can do about his choices. I can only chose to survive it best I can.

We have rights - but it costs a lot in terms of money, stress and time to enforce them.

And we are ALL evil, money-grabbing, raving fishwives! Don't cha know. But I'm so over giving a flying fuck about his opinion.

My mum passed away yesterday. Heartbroken.

I'm really sorry to hear that. How awful for you. Xx

Oh, Why. That's just dreadful. I am so sorry, as if things weren't bad enough.

Please let your solicitor know as soon as possible and request that the other side lay off the divorce for now to give you time to grieve. I know he's a twat of the highest order, but she can stress this is the children's grandmother too, and this should be born in mind.

Instruct your solicitor that unless they apply for a timetabled divorce, you don't wish to be communicated with until some point next year.

That's the best practical advice I can give.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am so sorry to hear that. Please take care of yourself x

So sorry to hear of your loss. Do what WWW says above.

Look after yourself and your girls.

So sorry about your Mum - such an awful time of year to lose someone.

You need to protect yourself and the DC by taking steps to stop him from harassing and abusing you and to give you space to grieve. Go and see your GP as well.

Thanks for all the kind words.

I don't know how I'm still going - but I have to for my girls. Can't sleep but functioning on auto pilot.

Even though he knows what I'm going through he did played mind games again today.

This time he contacted my eldest daughters school and told them he wanted to see her. They rang me - my solicitor told me to take her out of school before he had the chance to.

So I had to leave my dad on his own while I raced to the school in a taxi.

He later text me to say that 'he was going to take her, he could take her but he didn't" . Is this man sick?

He also said that the school asked him if he would mind them ringing me. He said that out of courtesy they could but he know what the outcome would be? Is he for real?

He then started texting later asking to see them for tea tonight and xmas day. So he wants me to be without my mum and my children xmas day.

He's also reduce my maintenance again because he says he pays half the mortgage!

So he's driving an audi sports car (with golf on the side) and he's in a rental property that costs him more than he's paying for the mortgage and the girls. How can his standard of living stay the same and I'm on the breadline? Why is that fair?

Keep those txts! They are evidence of him threatening you/kids

Whyme, just read the whole thread.

You are doing really well, your daughters are very lucky.

So very sorry for the loss of your mum.

Got to my lowest point last night - rang a helpline. The lady was very kind but there isn't anything anyone can say to get me through the darkest points now. Just go to go it alone.

Had to finish court papers and other stuff so still awake at stupid o'clock. I had to wait for my eldest to go to bed before I could starts as I didn't want her to see the mountains of stuff I've got to get through.

Why are these abusive men allowed to get away with this? Why isn't there a law to stop this happening to women. In four months I've gone from comfortable to financially crippled.

How do I stop him from having my children overnight and possibly subjecting them to all sorts of dubious stuff. Why doesn't anyone listen to the mother? Why don't our voices count?

I feel like screaming. I'm in this black whole and he's laughing at me.

I don't blame you for wanting to scream my love.
Please try and not respond to his texts.
Ring Cruse helpline if you need to about your mum.
Grab a now and then try and get some sleep.
Xxx

WhyMe2014 You are not alone, although you feel it, in looking into the black hole of the abyss and wanting to throw yourself into it. We've all walked down that route. Please just come here - rant and rave. Ring helplines. Cry your heart out. Do whatever it is you have to do except don't stop believing this does get easier.

Wanting to die? Yep. Willed for it to happen but my own beliefs prevented me making that happen.

Problems sleeping? I know all about that. You know when that changed? 4 days ago - and now I can't stop.

Money? Well that I still don't know about that - but let's just say 8 months ago, I never worried about how to pay the bills. These days, I haven't got a clue how they are going to be paid. You know what SHB says: well all he's done is prove that what you asked for from a judge is inadequate - your common sense screams out in your bank balance. Now, let's take a look at his....

Justice is slow. Doesn't mean it's not there. Take care, and remember it's one day at a time.