Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

11 is the most fun.

Doctor says:

Verruca on foot.

Husband hears:

Permanent disability.

Doctor says:

Cold

Husband hears:

Malaria.

Doctor says:

LVH

Husband hears...

Very dangerous heart condition.

Forgot 12. Wanting to retire early. Apparently, all workaholics suddenly decide to retire early when getting a divorce according to SHL.

OMG! Are little boys taken to one side and told all this?

Does the ability to be a twat come naturally or do they have to work at it. Whoops hang on - if they have to work at it then my stbxh deserves it because he said that "he deserved" everything else he wasted his (my) money on!

Took a brief financial run down of my marriage and it would appear that I have contributed the larger amounts (cashed various pensions in, sold shares, insurances etc etc.) He appears to have spent it all. Including money from my daughters account.

Plus the cost of the divorce is probably on par with the cost of the wedding and my dad paid for that (and I paid for the honeymoon!). I can now see the word 'MUG' appearing on my forehead!

You and me both, love. Cost of divorce to final hearing 35K - and I was initially budgeting 5 - 10K. And all I ever asked for was fucking disclosure. We still don't have it!

I don't think it's all men, to be fair - just all twats. I know men who have/are divorcing and do NOT behave like this.

But even 35K of legal bills means I can walk away MORE financially secure than he intended. Cost of marrying the fucker - £444 exactly.

Remember this on your bad days: Your husband marrying you was the best decision he ever made. Second best was him fucking off.

So the 35K was worth it - to get him out of your life.

For £444 you'd get a second rate tv but you got a first class prat! Bargain.

At my counselling this week I had to stay behind because I said that I had helped create a monster - so I was told to write 'I did not create him' and 'He is a bastard' on a large flip chart then read it back to myself.

I need to believe that I am not responsible for his actions - all this crap is his fault/decision. He is fucked up not me.

You really do need to report this to the police. Ring 101 and report it today. The stalking and mind games are domestic harassment, and they will take it very seriously. Keep all the texts.

You are not responsible for his actions - he is, and as a police officer he should know that. Hope you are ok, but please please report the stalking and threats that he says he is watching you.

Yep Friday again - got another email via my solicitor. He's one evil bastard. He's changing tactics and pretending to be a concerned father. What utter bollocks. Plus he's admitted he's still got the Audi and is selling the Golf.

He's a bully and a liar. Every time I take a step forward he batters me again and again. He says that I haven't answered his questions yet he has completely ignored everything we have asked for. Instead he has escalated the problem to court. There's only 1 way to get out of mediation and he's claiming that I'm violent to him! WTF!

Why is he intent on destroying me? Why is he using my kids as weapons to hurt me? What have I ever done to deserve his behaviour.

It always occurs on a Friday. That much I have observed.

Next court date: A Friday.

Let him make any claim he likes. For example, STBXH claimed that he 'loaned me 285K' and set up a repayment schedule, and if I failed to meet it he would take me to court.

He's err.., well, he is now saying...err...

Well, between you and me, he is now admitting that he's not got much of a case on that one.

But for months, I was mortified.

It turns out they can say all sorts of shit.

We just merely KOKO as simpletons.

'Cos that's how they treated us before they conjured up this bullshit.

You're right. He's always treated me as a second class citizen. It was always his house, his money, his, his his. And now he's saying that I'm stopping seeing 'his' children - he was never bothered before. He never actually spent a summer with his children - there's always been some excuse. Even when I just had my little one he decided he needed a break and he went to Portugal. I'd been ill for months and was just struggling back on my feet and he needed the break.

Something also happened in 2010/11 and his rationale is also completely rubbish - I must have been such a sucker to fall for that. He must be sitting there laughing at me.

Had a really bad day - lost it a bit - couldn't control my anger and just screamed. Felt like I was being torn apart.

Through his fuckwittery he's landed me with sky high solicitors bills and I'm no where near finished.

Sending you big hugs because we shouldn't be awake at this hour - I bet they're sleeping soundly.

I received something today and I cannot believe what he's written.

He's dug to the very depths of his evil soul to accuse me of these things.

He's portraying himself as the victim.

Did I actually live with this man for all these years and not know this side to him. I'm bewildered and shocked beyond belief. I cannot begin to understand why he's saying this.

Again every step I try to take forward he does something so vile that I'm back to square 1.

Although I now know that I don't love him anymore. He has stabbed me through the heart time and time again but this is an unforgivable act of evil.

There are some pluses when the 'master of the universe' fucks off:

1. You are no longer a second class citizen, you are the only adult citizen in your home. So you might as work on being a first class one!

2. He has to do vile things because if you find any strength at all, you'll fight him for your and your children's rights.

And he can't be having that.

On a personal note, we all know how bewildering and hurt you are feeling. So please, just be kind to yourself. As best you can, leave him to do his worst and rise above it - not easy I know. But try your damndest for you.

But respond to your solicitor's enquiries, but to be honest, very little of it matters anyway. It is all about sorting out the money and making arrangements for the children. He can allege all sorts of shit, but it won't change the fact that he has to buy his way out of the marriage.

Remember NC with him as much as humanly possible - there's no point in defending yourself. I am clearly a mega talent at this these days, as hilariously, HE had to get ME to sign undertakings that I had to communicate with him on three matters. I've dealt with those matters, so he no longer matters.

Hi Whyme,

I just read your thread and wanted to say I hope you are doing ok during this horrible time. I've recently been left out of the blue by a long-time partner, no children, but I can relate to your pain and the feelings of not being able to recognise the person you spent many years with.

I can also relate to identifying the selfish actions of my partner, at the time not really fully aware of it and perhaps trying to ignore it. There is something about redeeming your control, that may have been lost over those years, and living the life that is good for you and your children. I helped my partner through year long unemployment and bereavement and was just brutally left without any warning. I doubt I was perfect in the relationship, but I certainly felt that I worked at it in the way I knew how. Being kind and giving is a wonderful thing and you should always keep that, just choose more carefully who deserves it. My fear is becoming hardened and untrusting because of this experience but I hope it gets better.

Anyway, just wanted to wish you a lot of strength and positive thoughts.
x

You're right - I will be completely untrusting - I cannot imagine bringing another man into my life (or my children s).

As this one has turned out to be a complete and utter liar. He's fabricated awful things that I've supposed to have done or are still doing to my children. He's a manipulative cruel person who is using his eldest daughter as a weapon. How low can he go?

He's sitting in his perfect new life with his perfect OW and no responsibilities and I'm struggling day to day with the shit he chucks at me. I just hope the courts actually see him for what he is...a nasty controlling bully. Although my fear is that they will see him as the confident, charming person that he can portray.

No, love. I very, very, very rarely tell people they are 'wrong'.

I have always been one of life's listener's.

But he's sitting in his new life with all his life skills of bullying, thuggery and self-entitlement.

She hasn't got a clue.

The 'sisterhood' takes care of the sisterhood. Worship the married man, then it is just your life lesson to learn.

I vote for the sisterhood.

You take care of you. She matters not one jot to you. You matter to your children.

You also matter to you.

And it matters to me too that we both survive this.

If you haven't already spoken to a counsellor/women's aid, now is a good time.

You don't need to be beaten black and blue to ask a women's charity to give you some support. You just need to ask.

I made contact with them a few weeks ago when things got too much. I AM NOT A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Holy, Cheese, and Cow (As Acrossthepond would say), I finally stopped being 'tough talking', and just for one moment in my life said 'Shit, I'm finding this tough'.

They let me, just for one moment in time, told me: I don't have to be, in legal speak, Prima facie, tough.

They let me speak, let me rage, let me cry.

They rang me back the next day to see how I was.

Perhaps, when women finally are allowed to care, we can just care.

And redistribute the power.

Take care.

WWK I'm a bit in love with you! Wish you had been around during my divorce! Good luck, wise woman.

WM - he is proving that he is abusive by making accusations. They will backfire, so take comfort and courage. If you don't like your solicitor, change her. Someone suggested Women's Aid so.icitor.. Between that MN, your counsellor and WWK you will get there. Take your power back, he cannot knock you if you do not allow it. Imagine your big shield that his words ping off.

Take care

Have just read the full thread. Had similar experiences after my husband left me. Just wanted to say your doing amazing and sending hugs x

Also sending love, hugs and support. Partner cheated and left me a few months ago and i am still struggling to accept its over and exP isnt coming back. Awful time of the year for it to happen too.

Keep on keeping on, you will get through this.
Lots of love xxxxx

Thanks for all the support girls. xx

Got more emails via solicitor today - more shit to deal with and another solicitors bill - another £3,000 plus.

He once said that if I went via a solicitor he would make me sell the house and he appears to be trying very hard to achieve this.

Not sure if I've said this before but he's accused me of being a danger to my children and he is applying for a non molestation order against me!

What planet is he on?

Same planet as mine, by the sounds of it.

This is my favourite bit of fuckwittery so far (it does make laugh sometimes!)

your client (STBXH) appears to be now stating (in his Schedule of Deficiencies), that the answer he supplied in his original Answers to Questionnaire is incorrect

So in legal speak, here's how you need to read this.

Your client is now stating that the respondent is a danger to her children. The children are currently resident with the respondent, and your client appeared to have left the family home wilfully, and at the same time leaving behind the children in the care of the mother. Can your client, possible explain what his reasoning for putting these vulnerable children at such risk of such a dangerous person given that he is a policeman?

The barrister in my case says it's the contradictions in their case, that end up making her job enjoyable.

He can apply for a non-molestation order (God, I've lost count of how many of us have had those threats now), but he will actually have to provide evidence, and an abundance of it, to satisfy a judge.

Of course, he could ask his solicitor to write to your solicitor to tell you to behave yourself, or indeed, your solicitor could tell you the same.

Has your husband suddenly changed character or did you not recognise the person he was? Of course not all men are like him and hopefully you will learn to trust again. Give it time and look for a strong man. By strong, I mean one who is supportive, not vindictive, caring, fair and who is able to stand his own corner when he perceives you to be in wrong. There are many women who act like your husband. Such behaviour is not unusual in women.

WellWhoKnew...you are a tonic - thank you. I've printed your comment out and I'm going to carry it with me.

Bloomingflower1...I thought his behaviour was normal. Now I see it's not. However, it has escalated since he left.

I was told that it would get worse but just never believed it would get his bad. I suppose it could get a whole lot worse yet.

I'm more gin than tonic WhyMe .

Ice and a slice? xx

He's excelled himself today. I've found out something that is so shocking and he's manipulated my daughter to go along with it.

What type of deranged person would do such a thing?

I'm now going to be worried every time my daughter steps out of the door.

She's only just 12 and far too young to be dragged to all of this - he's using her to spy on me as well. What do I do?

Jesus, love. You are right, she doesn't need to know.

Parental Alienation is viewed very dimly by the courts. I'd write to your solicitor and ask her to send him an email informing him that unless he ceases and desists this behaviour, you will resort to contact taking place in a contact centre. I'm afraid, your 'husband' is an abusive bully, if he can't get to you directly, he will use other methods - and that will include your daughter.

Here's how severe they can be:

I got some jaw-dropping news about another dumped spouse who has just been arrested by allegations from her abusive ex today (and I believe her version of events with good reason). Some of people will stop at nothing in their "righteous indignation". Result of her being arrested - he cannot come to her house, he can only see their children on a contact centre and his contact has been halved. Win? For whom?

Not for his children. Not for the carer of his children. Not for him. She's doing okay all things considered but do not underestimate how tough this can be.

Right back to the deluge of paperwork that divorce brings about.

Arrested...that's probably his next step. Another chapter in his pack of lies trilogy. Obviously I am damaging my children by feeding them, making sure their clean and presentable, taking them to school, making them do homework, going to bed on time etc etc. And generally caring about them.

He kept texting me last night and I know I shouldn't engage but I did. He caught me at a low point. He starts softly softly then wham sends something that slaps me in the face. He can even abuse me from afar.

It would also appear that he is spending a lot of time in the vicinity even though he has turned down contact with the children again saying overnight or nothing. I just don't understand what he's playing at. He's also claims that he hasn't received some of my solicitors letters. Very convenient. He twists everything so I know he has some thing up his sleeve.

He's taking me to court for 'occasional overnight contact' claiming that I am domestically violent to him and psychologically damaging the children. If I'm that bad would you leave children with me?

How do I defend myself from this delusional prat?