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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

789 replies

whyMe2014 · 08/09/2014 00:25

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 29/11/2014 16:26

He is stalking you and you now have the evidence on your mobile. You MUST go to the police, for your and your childrens safety.

Aimey · 29/11/2014 17:15

I was recently taking with the person responsible for vetting in a UK poli ce for ce, who was telling me that the slightest sniff of dv and he pulled the rug out on any officer (and felt personally let down by them too). He sees it as bullying of the worst form and you don't want that in an officer, there is great responsibility in the role. They get reviewed annually. I'd hope other for ces were as rigourous. You do need to be reporting his behaviour.

whyMe2014 · 01/12/2014 00:18

Found out more info today and I think he's playing games with me. He rang/text me to say he could see us and now it would appear that he may not have been in the vicinity at all. What is he playing at?

Is he trying to scare me? or was he there and the other information is wrong. V. confused now.

I haven't spoken to the police but I'm close to it.

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 01/12/2014 00:56

Log all the contacts and other information you glean about your husband. Your solicitor should be advising you to do this. I am at a loss to understand why you haven`t contacted his superiors. Two policeman took the Audi and you just let it happen?

1FluffyJumper · 01/12/2014 01:29

Why are you continuing to allow him to do this to you and your family?

whyMe2014 · 01/12/2014 09:35

I had no option but to let him take the Audi as the police said if I kept it it would be theft! They told me they were here to prevent a breach of the peace.

I really don't know where to turn. Some people are telling me if I report him I will be worse off and it will go against me if he takes me to court over the children. Others are saying I've got nothing to lose (currently I'm in that group at the moment.)

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 01/12/2014 10:23

He's also sent me a text and sent me on a wild goose chase and it was untrue. Mind games?

OP posts:
anonacfr · 01/12/2014 11:03

Keep a record of everything and report. He sounds unhinged and dangerous.

Ilovefluffysheep · 01/12/2014 13:03

You really need to report him. I said that about the Audi situation and so did lots of other people. What happened with the car was never a police situation, and you should complain.

The stalking and mind games are also something you need to complain about. Who are the "some people" you refer to that say you will be worse off? What do they mean?

He might try and take you to court anyway over the children - if he does and you've already made a complaint/several complaints about him, they're not going to look very favourably on him. However, if it goes to court and then you make a complaint, it may look more like a tit for tat thing.

I know its scary, a hassle, and probably something you don't want to have to deal with, but you're going to have to, or else this is going to go on and on the longer you leave it.

whyMe2014 · 01/12/2014 18:47

You're right Ilovefluffysheep - it feels like I'm going round in circles.

"some people" have been various counsellers and a retired police officer.

My life feels like some weird 'Take a Break' story.

OP posts:
1FluffyJumper · 01/12/2014 18:50

Phone 101 and ask them theoretically re the car situation.

1FluffyJumper · 01/12/2014 18:54

Don't mention he's a copper but say he's threatening you that he'll turn up with police to remove it.

Ilovefluffysheep · 01/12/2014 19:42

And how do they think reporting it will make it worse? I dont see how it can get much worse to be honest, although the longer you go on not reporting, the more he will probably try and push as he will think that your're too scared to report.

Vivacia · 02/12/2014 07:07

OP you are talking in riddles a bit. I understand the sense in not disclosing too much personal information on here, but it's difficult for people to advise if you are being a bit coy.

Nevergrowingup · 02/12/2014 07:43

The advice you seem to be getting is making your personal situation worse. How is that a good thing for you?

It feels as though you are like a sitting duck and waiting for his next missile to land. Take control of this situation. Whats the worst he could do? He's not above the law and as he is meant to be a part of the legal system means there are checks and balances in place to make sure he is not a criminal himself.

Pleased, for your own sake take action and report this poor excuse for a man.

Nevergrowingup · 02/12/2014 07:43
  • please
whyMe2014 · 02/12/2014 13:19

You're right - I do feel like a sitting duck.

I've taken more advice this morning and I'm putting things in place to protect me and my children.

It is scary and I can't believe I'm in this situation.

Plus had some of my fears confirmed this morning so I need to act now.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 04/12/2014 17:39

Sorted a few things out.

Getting worried about the solicitors bills but got to keep going.
I've got four A4 lever arch files full of this crap.

Plus feeling a bit lonely today - even when surrounded by people.

On a brighter note - the idiot had the OW's xmas pressie delivered here! Twat!

OP posts:
IDeserveMore · 04/12/2014 18:13

Hope you stamped on it!!!

whyMe2014 · 04/12/2014 18:53

Both of them wrapped in tissue!

OP posts:
magoria · 04/12/2014 18:59

Ahh the old 'accidental' sent OW present to the old address when they have managed perfectly well the rest of the year to send them to the right place.

Deliberately done to upset you and so you have to speak to them to send it on.

Don't do either. Send it back in the post 'RTS no one at that name here' in a week or so of course, not immediately as you don't have a car to get to the post office....

IDeserveMore · 04/12/2014 19:15

If I were you I'd RTS but misplace it til after the last posting date.

whyMe2014 · 04/12/2014 21:40

I didn't realise he's still following the script...

  1. abandon wife and kids
  2. deny there's no OW
  3. whoops and there she is the OW
  4. try to destroy wife (emotionally and financially)
  5. send wife OW's xmas present
OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 04/12/2014 21:45
  1. Forget about financial assets
  2. Hide 'forgotten' financial assets
  3. Cease doing overtime/working for a living to pay for children
  4. Inform solicitors that the 'other' side is just a money-grabbing fishwife
10. Plead poverty when realising the divorce will cost him. 11. Invent a 'heart condition' to maximise sympathy in divorce

Yep, there's a lot more to that script...it's shockingly cliched...

IDeserveMore · 04/12/2014 21:50

Well we are at point two with a sprinkling of 4,8 and 9. Looking forward to his version of 11.

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