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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

789 replies

whyMe2014 · 08/09/2014 00:25

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

OP posts:
mrsallergy · 18/11/2014 16:36

comes
of
and all the other typos!

whyMe2014 · 18/11/2014 23:26

The solicitors letter came attached to an email from my solicitor. She has said that we are not going to reply to it. Apologies for it sounding like it came direct to me. Although I wouldn't put anything past him.

Things seems to erupt on Fridays so can't wait for this Friday.

I have had a few issues with my solicitor and I was thinking of changing but since all the nasty letters started flying about regarding my children I just wanted to get that sorted.

My stbxh is nasty, evil and vile and when I look back perhaps he's only been nice to me because I have never challenged his behaviour before. Each time I try to stand up to him he batters me down again. What is his problem? He's got his new life, posh clothes, OW so why is is so important to crush/destroy me. For gods sake leave me alone. As if he hasn't hurt me and the children enough.

Plus he's threatening me with court action over child contact. Yet next year he only wants to see them every other month (doesn't see them at all for 1 month then wants them for four weekends on the trot). And he's miraculously got two weeks off in August - first time he's had a break in the summer since we've had the kids. Plus he said that he couldn't get any weekends off this year - although perhaps he wasn't working but seeing the OW. That wouldn't surprise me either the lying bastard.

Still waiting for a response re. the car situation - not sure if the solicitor get the urgency of it. What would happen if I had to get the children to the doctor/hospital etc. etc.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 19/11/2014 00:56

Remember he can make all the threats he likes...

But only you can choose to take them seriously.

Then if he does act on them, you act on them.

It's important that he crushes you because that way he mitigates his financial responsibilities. Time for some expensive therapy don't you think?

But yes, Fridays are divorce days - this phenomena is really common so I guess it's something to do with how they operate their timetables behind the scenes.

Just keep hanging in there, the more shit he dishes out, the stronger you will get.

whyMe2014 · 21/11/2014 21:18

OMG! You'll never guess what he's doing now. The shit is flowing again. Thought I would cry over this one but I didn't. It's so hurtful - I'm numb.

As you say WellWhoKnew he can make all the threats he likes....and he's still doing it.

His offer re. the car situation...I should buy the Golf off of him! I can settle his finance! WTF! Is he serious.

Was I really with this twat for all those years - and never saw what a nasty piece of work he is.

Plus he's dismissed his solicitor! So after all those horrible abusive letters he's sacked her! He's going to represent himself - although the email that came through today was not written in his words. So he's getting help from somebody.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/11/2014 21:21

Is your solicitor on the case WhyMe? I would have thought you could request that he sends all correspondence through her?

whyMe2014 · 21/11/2014 21:28

His email was originally sent to my solicitor and she forwarded it to me.

So everything he sends now I'm paying extra for.

He actually phoned my solicitor yesterday and was extremely unpleasant to her. Then he puts a 'apologies for my demeanor' sentence in his email and blames it on ' a father wanting to see his children'! Well we offered him contact earlier this week for today and he said that if he couldn't have the children overnight he didn't want them! What a great father he is.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 22/11/2014 14:25

Nice bit of blackmail there from him WhyMe. A prime example of cutting off his nose to spite his face.

He will calm down at some point (maybe/hopefully). My advice is just focus on you and the children, put your needs first. He needs to learn there's a new world order, and that it's not all going to be on his terms.

The solicitor can write back and say that 'staying contact' is going to happen, but can he please think about how his behaviour is hurting everyone, including his children, and to let the children lead on this.

Honestly, he's yet another Master of the Universe. But when he left you to get on with it, he left you to get on with it. Do it the way that feels best for you and the children.

whyMe2014 · 22/11/2014 18:29

OMG ! Just made a discovery which should f.ing blow him out of the water. What an utter manipulating bastard.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised but the depths he has gone to astound me. He's a twisted little fucker.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 22/11/2014 18:36

I'm a lurker rather than a poster on your thread, but I'm delighted that after all the shit he has subjected you and your children to, that you have finally found something to bring the fucker down Grin

Ilovefluffysheep · 22/11/2014 18:46

So glad you're finally at the angry stage and realised what a complete tosser he is! Can't believe the crap he keeps on putting you through, but you seem to be getting stronger and stronger, so well done you.

WellWhoKnew · 22/11/2014 19:55

You know when 'they' say "Time is a great healer"

Well they should also say "Time is a great revealer"

Good to read that you're starting to see him as not quite as loveable as you first thought. It's a first step to detaching and being okay about divorce.

Take care, be careful, think about your nose.

Lambzig · 22/11/2014 22:01

I have just spent this evening reading your thread. What an utter wanker your husband is.

I can only advise you to get as good a solicitor as you can and if you aren't happy with yours go through Womens Aid as I get the impression that their solicitors are used to the level of fuckwittery your STBXH is doing.

Also, I have police in my family. Please do report him.

OhForFoxSakeYourPullingMyChain · 25/11/2014 19:19

I would ring the police, report him, have a fresh start
well done why me, i think you have coped really well, good for you
he is awful you are well shot of him, hope your okay.

Zebraface · 26/11/2014 20:28

WWK,
Just checking in.
Please dont feel you need to be loyal or decent about him...he had clearly demonstrated his complete lack of respect vto the mother of his children.

If he had done something fraudulent or against the law then you need to bring it to the attention of the Professional Standards Department of his particular force. He will be investigated thoroughly & fairly & if he is a lying ,conniving bastard they will find out & he will get what he deserves. He is not above the law ....& he knows that.

Hope you & dcs are OK.

WellWhoKnew · 26/11/2014 21:16

WWK is doing okay all things considered. A bit jittery as divorce is a bit stressful. But have gin as a last resort.

WM2014 = I think Zebra and I both hope you're doing okay all things considered too. WWK thinks Zebra's advice is good.

Zebraface · 27/11/2014 17:53

Sorry WM2014,
Trying to be less impersonal then got your name wrong!!

Hope you are koko. Keep posting, we'll keep supporting x

whyMe2014 · 28/11/2014 23:57

He's now done something extremely creepy and it freaked me out. V concerned for my children.

He manages to continually knock me off balance. As I've said before I think he's trying to set me up.

Plus looks like my lung problem may be back. Obviously not as bad as it was but makes me think what would happen to my children if I had to go into hospital.

If anything happened to me and he got them I would haunt him until eternity.

OP posts:
Onmyownwith4kids · 29/11/2014 00:18

Hope you're ok. I have those thoughts too. Horrible isn't it. Look after yourself you'll get through this. X

Notexactlymarthastewart · 29/11/2014 00:19

Why are you concerned for the kids? What has he done?

whyMe2014 · 29/11/2014 00:35

As time goes by more and more things come out and I'm realising that I never knew him. I have a list of things that make me concerned.

Plus he turned up somewhere and kept ringing/texting me to say that he could see us (but we couldn't see him). V weird.

OP posts:
Notexactlymarthastewart · 29/11/2014 07:39

Well, that is stalking isn't it and needs to be reported

tribpot · 29/11/2014 08:43

Why haven't you reported him long ago, whyMe? To the police as his employer and to the police as a member of the public? This is a firearms officer who has clearly gone or always been a complete nutball. I'm worried about your safety.

1FluffyJumper · 29/11/2014 09:03

So, you've spoken to the police, yes?

Flimflammer · 29/11/2014 10:02

That's proper gaslighting. Have you told your solicitor he has become unhinged? Tell the police. He is giving you a lot of power over him by behaving like this.

Take care of yourself, don't let the bastard grind you down.

oldgrandmama · 29/11/2014 11:31

OP, please, why don't you report the behaviour to the Police, to your lawyer? He is an armed police officer? And behaving like this? To say that's extremely alarming is putting it mildly.
Please PLEASE tell his superiors what's going on.

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