Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

sorry meant to say 'he's not a man' not 'his nit a man'.

what a shitty thing to do. Was the car really in his name?

I would put a complaint in. He has clearly abused his position to be able to get 2 officers to do that. Even if it is his name, it is matrimonial property that is currently being dealt with by solicitors. It is therefore not theft, but a civil matter, and police shouldn't be getting involved.

Phone the control room, ask to make a complaint to your husbands inspector. Tell the inspector the above, and that there are two sides to every story, and explain that due to the action taken, you are unable to get your children to school.

What a cock though, am so sorry he is behaving like this.

I think the time has come to complain to his bosses. He clearly thinks he is above the law.

My ex also threatened to report our car as stolen when I left him. I was told by the Police that even though it is registered in his name he had no right to take it. You need to inform your solicitor and also, I agree, complain to his boss.

I would also suggest to his superior officers that due to what you are both currently going through, is he currently in a stable emotional state to make the decisions required to be a firearms officer? Not sure I like the thought of somebody going through a acrimonious split being in charge of a gun and in a position of control with it??? Maybe suggest a move to alternative duties for the duration

You are doing well - having been through something similar (actually got back together with mine), may I suggest you try and detach and step back from it all. It is very easy to react to what he says and does and it keeps you in a permanent state of adrealine rush and consequently makes you feel very ill. I had an awful lot of bubble baths during that time to try and calm myself down, tried to watch a lot of comedies and tried to keep everything fun and light for the children (who, like yours, were very traumatised by their DF disappearing overnight - when he left after visiting them my then 4 yr old DS used to hang onto his leg saying "stay forever daddy!" (tbh that brought it home to him more than anything I said (or ranted/raved) what he was actually doing)).

You are going through an extraordinary tough time ATM, tomorrow is another day and this too will pass were my mantras at the time. It was truly the worst time of my life and my DCs suffered the effects for a long time, even now nearly six years on, they start to worry if their DF is later home from work or goes away for a weekend etc. This is purely due to the way he left at that time ie without warning etc.

You will get through this and whatever the outcome, you will a changed woman and stronger for it. May I suggest you try and get some counselling for yourself (Relate will do it even if you go on your own - they helped me and my friend to get through this time, a third party to talk to and get your feelings out).

I think acceptance of the way things were going to be was also a big help to me IYSWIM, my DH was in a right state with business and gambling problems (massive back story) and my solicitor basically said I would end up in rented accommodation on benefits (had 4DSs, 2 with SENs and hadn't worked for 10 yrs) as a single mum, once I accepted that that was the bottom line, I could cope with that.

Also plan a new hobby, my counsellor suggested I needed to do something for myself (live devoted to DCs and DH). It is good to do something you enjoyed doing as a child (for me it was horseriding).

Best wishes and take care.

Ring your solicitor immediately or expect him to walk all over you.

All 3 of them need to be reported. Did you get names and numbers? I'm not a lawyer but I think they've just stolen the car unless there were court papers. In any case the police don't do this kind of thing. Not legally. Surely?

This is theft, harassment and intimidation. Actually, I think you should call the police and report it as such. It happened yesterday, so it would have to be 101 now, I think. Really, phone them, have them out, this seems like a crime to me.

Don't know if what he did was isn't or not but I'd be ringing the police to check it... I would be complaining to his boss that he turned up with police officers with no prior warning and no official paperwork

Yes you have nothing to lose anymore. Call his boss and tell him everything.

The dvla are very clear that the name on the "log book" is as a keeper NOT an owner.

My little one kept telling people today that the police have taken our car. How humiliating is that.

What does he think he's doing by being so nasty.

Received another solicitors letter yesterday re. children and it was so nasty. His solicitor is trying to bully mine. Is this usual?

Plus he did not turn up today to see his children. Again another tick for father of the year.

Solicitors write to each other in an aggressive way sometimes to state their point.

xH's solicitor threatened me to dare repeat allegations that XH was having an affair with his best mates wife, "XH and OWH have been friends for over 30 years and legal action will be taken if you repeat the accusations".

Now that XH is living with her and I also suspect she is pregnant, do you think I am allowed legally to dare suggest that something is going on

Unfortunately each solicitors job is to get the best deal for their client, so they are never going to play nice. Just play them at their own game.

Get your solicitor to ask for regular contact at certain times and to stress that he should actually turn up for it......

My solicitor requested proposals for contact in early October then we get a bullying nasty letter faxed through on Nov 7th. Which was a Friday evening and demanding overnight contact for that weekend.

Every letter we get appears to be nastier.

I originally asked for gradual contact and to go at the childrens pace not as his. We're now just getting threatening letter after threatening letter. It's his behaviour that is affecting contact with his children. His solicitor is not giving us time to reply and appears to be setting me up to fail.

He's a bully and so is his solicitor.

What does your solicitor say about this?

The early months of the divorce are very much about being bullied - it's when you feel most vulnerable and less able to cope (not unreasonably). It's when you're trying to get back on your feet, and you just need a little time and space to adjust to the mammoth changes.

Ask your solicitor to write back and inform them when contact will be, how etc. If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court. No one is recommending that you stop contact between them, nor you, because they are entitled to have a relationship with their father (no matter what you think of him).

However, they too are entitled to have time and space to adjust. No matter what he says.

Try, if you can, to look at solicitors as just a mouthpiece, and remember you're entitled to your opinions as well, as are your children. Work out what it is you and they want, and send back your own proposal.

Remember: nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.

Make sure your solicitor states that last minute letters will be ignored and set a 'notice' period. No one can currently force you to do anything you don't want to do aside from a judge. Again, it's all about being reasonable so as long as you have a good basis for making your decisions as you do, no one is going to give you a hard time (aside from him).

OMG just got letter from his solicitors saying that mine is wasting my money.

Are they for real.

They are as mad as he is.

Plus having to get taxis to get my little one to school. It's going to cost me £100 a week!

Can you not buy a vehicle of some sort? £100 a week would easily cover some sort of loan if you need one and can get one. Or see if there's another parent who could pick your DC up for free or contribution towords costs? Can you get free transport from the council?

Pass the letter on to your solicitor to see what they think of it (not a lot I suspect) then get them to tell his solicitor not to contact you direct.

Also see what they have to say about getting your child to school.

Omg. The "your solicitors are crap, you should change them" tactic. How original, NOT!!! They must be worried!!

What skyeskyeskye said - tell them everything must go via your perfectly fine lawyer. What did your solicitor say about the Audi btw?

Loving your responses though. You see it for what it is. Bullyboy tactics.

Can you ask other parent(s) from school to step in with the school run in the short term? I had several people offer to help me collecting the kids when they found out my circumstances, it'll surprise you.

You are doing great. Keep up the good work x

People WILL help - please just ask them. Nobody minds, people do not like what your husband has done, and it will be the kindness of strangers that make the world of difference to how well you cope.

Anyone with a heart will naturally want to help. That's decent people for you - the world is full of them.

They even forgive us for marrying a mistake. They don't blame us for that mistake....

Underneath a bully, lies a coward. And boy do they lie.

I know first h**and how hard it is so don't forget for one minute you're allowed to wallow in self-pity for as long as it takes.

It will get easier, I promise. Soon enough, he'll be bringing his police escort for the teaspoons...

and by then, you'll be almost over it.

And when you know they are grasping at cutlery, that's when they start to run out of ammunition...

As long as you're still standing at that point, you'll know you're doing just fine.

(As an aside, I've not had the 'Your solicitors are crap' line - Mind you I've said that a lot about his.... 'Snot telling him that though)

Although, he does say that you're wasting your money. Two things:

1. You're "wasting" 'family money' trying to protect your family from the bully within.

2. If I add up my legal costs to date (eye watering as they are) and compare it to the SM award they got me (and I had no chance of negotiating for myself) I am still in the 'black' (in fact only go into the red if my Final Hearing goes on longer than expected...).

One of us can do maths. T'other can't but gets the hump a lot.

Legal support is shockingly costly but when you're being bullied to the extent you are, and you have the world of problems at your feet, you do have to delegate some tasks. A solicitor seems, to my mind, the perfect choice for managing bullies. They enjoy it. We can't deal with it right now.

Right now you just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

0o ]0p#-# < Anyone looking for a cat? Mine is irritating me today.

Take care.

h** < that is cat too. I can be an appalling typist without her input, but she's definitely on a mission today.

I'm not even sure if that letter is genuinely from a solicitor? It sounds impressively unprofessional. Shouldn't it all be going via yours anyhow. Would your solicitor really forward you a letter in which they are libelled by way of manipulating you?

And yes, for 400 a month (going on your estimate of 100 pw for taxis) you could have an amazing car, full time, in your own name!

When are you seeing your solicitor next about all of this madness?

I think you should ring his solicitor and verify if this letter did actually come from them.

"I think you should ring his solicitor and verify if this letter did actually come from them."

Quite!!!

Has this letter come via your solicitor or directly to you? Seems very unprofessional. Yes, as others have said, what is written in a solicitors letter is not the be all and end all. They are not the police, they are a mouthpiece for your ex, so expect them to be hectoring, demoralising and adjust defences accordingly. The first few months to a year are truly awful as you grapple to realign your expectations from this 'imposter' who seems to have taken over the person you once trusted to have your back. The person you were married to has gone and the replacement means you harm, so steel yourself. You are intelligent and strong, and you CAN do this (even if you feel at the moment you cannot). You perhaps don't see this now, but with every crisis come opportunity. This will be the making if you.

What has your solicitor said about the next steps/your strategy? I agree with the others that you should make further enquiries about the kegalities of the police removing the car in these circumstances. It should be a civil matter. What has your solicitor said about the car?

If you are not happy with your solicitor, change them now, sooner rather than letter before you have made much investment in them.