Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Thanks for the info WellWhoKnew. Appreciate it.

Today was the first day that I haven't received any shit in the post or by email for ages. Yipppeeeeee. So no new shit just old shit to deal with.

OMG! You would not believe what my stbxh is trying to do to me now. It's the worst day so far.

I can't even write it as it's just so awful.

Today started ok and I had just got some good news about my gradual return to work following my illness. Then wham he hits me with the big guns and I'm a shell again. How can a man who supposed to have loved me at one point be so evil now. I will never understand. My solicitor is being supportive but it's just unbelievable how low some people will go to try to destroy another human being.

Oh no.... What happened??
Whatever it is you do not deserve it, you may stumble backwards temporarily but will continue to move forwards

Hi whyMe2014
You are completely blooming awesome. Your strength, courage, determination and humour shine through here. You are amazing.

You are me 3.5 years ago, but I sure wasn't coping as well and hadn't come as far as you have in 2.5 months. Perhaps that is partly because you have had great advice from everyone on this thread (I wish I had had MN when it was happening to me) but you are the one who has acted upon it. Well done you.

It amazes me how similar stories can be. It's like they follow a script!! Cars especially seem to be a factor of fuckwittery (that whole Freudian thing must be true, surely)

It is a roller coaster. You have to ride it, even when you feel sick and want to get off. It has to be ridden to the end, but when you get off....oh what you will have accomplished and NOBODY can take that from you.

I am going to challenge some advice normally given about putting the kids first at all times. Yes, you need to put personal feelings aside when making access arrangements unless there are some good reasons for concern (as you seem to have). However, I made myself very unwell just only thinking of the kids and not myself. I had an epiphany about 3 months in and realised that if I didn't take care of myself, I wouldn't be fit to take care of the kids (emotionally, physically and financially). I try and rank all 3 of us equally whenever possible. DD11 and DS8. It works for us.

More fuckwittery will come. That is certain, but you are well on the road out of there and to a place where his actions will not cause a tornado in your life. Prepare yourself, watch for the warning signs and brace for it, you will survive x

IT DOES GET BETTER. I promise you. My controlling STBXH (despite him being the one demanding the divorce) made no actual moves to get it finalised. I finally gave up waiting in August, did all the paperwork and got the news on Monday that I am now officially divorced YIPPEEE!!! My hands shot up, I punched the air and actually danced a little in my seat at work, entirely involuntarily!! My workmates congratulated me. It was a fabulous moment. Actually, that makes him XH now doesn't it!

WellWhoKnew you are an awesome lady too. Your thread is genius and advice is solid.

I wish both you ladies well on your journey - you deserve nothing less than fabulous. Please bear that in mind. Always.

P.s. Tuna/Hoover/fishwife - am loving your work!!! LOL indeed I did!

Just checking in Well who knew.
Sorry its got worse,I feel for you xx
Hope you're OK.

Good advice re Form E WWK...what I meant but didn't elaborate enough....excellent!

Thanks for the continued support.
But unfortunately he's done something again today and I'm crushed, broken and now believe that he is out to get me.

I have never hurt him in all the years we were together and now he's accusing me of all sorts.

He's using my children to break me.

Why can't he just leave me alone. He was never bothered before so just let us be. He's got his new life so he should just piss off.

Sent you a pm but just giving you a bump so others can help x

have a and try and get some sleep

He trying to use your children to break you because he hasn't been able to!

xxxxx

it's just unbelievable how low some people will go to try to destroy another human being

Absolutely what you said there. My XP actually stated aloud that was his intention. Had there been MN/PCs back then he would not have succeeded.

I'd rather your XH did NOT succeed. Don't let him! You have supportive advice here and plenty of inner strength. If he is trying to turn the kids against you, or even just encourage bad behaviour on their part, then that can be a rough ride but it is temporary. Not to mention abusive

So sorry you are going through such a hard time- I would just err on the side of caution regarding trying to get him into trouble at work- He will have to pay you maintaince/ pension division etc- if he gets the sack that will be gone.

You've bruised his ego and not playing ball the way he wants you to. This is the only way he thinks he can get back at you.

Get the advise, stay strong you have a support network here plus you have friends in RL.

Sending virtual hug

The stronger you are, the worse he is behaving - because he is a bully and wants to have it all his way.

Stay strong. Get all the support you can. His appalling behaviour shows that you are beating him.

I've taken advice and I'm putting things in place to stop him to be able to accuse me of all these horrible things. So I feel a bit better but I still think he's is some sort of deranged evil bastard.

Anyway..

My friend found a song today which sums up my stbxh...check out

The Dickhead Song by Miles Betterman on You Tube etc.

It put a smile on my face.

That's the way to go! Grab every chance to mock the tosser

You WILL come through this. The more he thrashes around like a fish on a hook, the stronger you will be.

Are you in fear for your or your DC's safety? If so, please please ring Womens Aid or Police (yes, I know he's a copper, but this isn't the 70's).

Talk to all and everyone for outlet and support. We're always here too.

Stay safe and strong for you and your girls

Just checking in whyme.

Its the lurve of a new woman...they think they're gods or something (my XH was her 'knight in shining armour' & cashed in a life policy which he should have declared on Form E but instead put in his mothers name....?fraudulent, deranged,bastard.

Your stbxh will be trying to hurt you (that's what makes it so hard... Your 'best friend' becomes your enemy at such short notice.

Please stay strong,rise above it. You can & will for DDs,I promise.

WhyMe I promise you I have read some utterly despicable allegations written by STBX's alleging shit.

It is the stuff of nightmares.

And I've met some of the women who have had to read that about themselves.

And I see the torment they have had to endure.

And watched the tears roll down their faces.

The best freedom from this nightmare is to stop fearing what 'he says'.

And be quietly confident in yourself.

Apparently I am a 'master criminal' capable of tremendous deception.

So I'll leave it to others to judge me.

Because I know me. And I'm mighty bloody honest!

You're right WellWhoKnew. I know me and I know that I could never be capable of what he's says I've done and what he says I'm doing.

I just feel like I'm under attack and I haven't a clue why. I'm an honest, open and caring person not this creature he is describing.

But I don't understand that solicitors can write this stuff. The whole first page of the letter was abuse. Then the second page started with once upon a time.

Remember solicitors are under 'instruction' - they only communicate what they are told.

It doesn't matter one jot to them whether or not it's true. They get paid either way.

You ARE under attack so don't feel stupid for feeling this bad.

As for why? Because 'attack' is a form of defence.

If I were to run off with someone else, I would want to take as much as I could with me to start again with. After all, I would have no morals and no sense of decency.

This isn't about you. This is about him. If the first page is abuse and the second page 'once upon a time' it tells me quite a bit about the man you married.

After all, he's the man who has given the instructions.

Honestly, love, listen to that dickhead song over and over. You allow yourself to feel bad, to cry, to hurt and to mourn the end of your marriage. But don't, for one minute, believe a word of what he says.

He is an abusive, deluded nasty piece of work.

At some point, you will stop feeling bad, start enjoying life again and move on.

He will remain an abusive, deluded, nasty piece of work.

Oh Whyme what a flaming nightmare for you.
I haven't checked in on this thread for a little while and I was so shocked to see he is still putting your through all sorts of shit.
You are dealing with it though.
It must be just awful when the person you loved and who loved you turns out to be a total cunt (and I don't use that word lightly)
for you and well done and keep going!

Again thanks for all the kind comments girls.

Quote of the day....My Daddy has run off!

Yep, driving home from school and all of a sudden a little voice from the back of the car announced "My Daddy has run off!"

She then carried on chatting about something completely different.

I have never said anything like that to her so I haven't a clue where she got that from.

Part of me wanted to say yep he couldn't get away fast enough - but obviously only said that in my head.

Had more shit from him today...if I didn't reply to his letter by 9am today he would take action! Go on then you bastard! Problem was I didn't receive the letter until 10.30. So I've failed on that as well. Hey shit happens.

Actually he used to call me a shit magnet - hmmm yep I attracted him didn't I so he must be right on that one.

Ah! You too are able to turn back time on a whim. Amazing talent you have there.

And incredibly unreasonable of you should you not comply with the impossible.

You are truly in the parallel universe of divorce. Welcome!

I've come across this very late and can't read all of the posts if I want to sleep tonight but I just wanted to say a couple of things. I went through this years ago and time does heal. There are better relationships to be made and one day you'll wonder how you could have been married to such a creep (maybe you are wondering that already). The other thing is, how come there's always some deluded woman willing to take on these bastards who treat their exes so badly?

I used to get sp confused when I read on here about men that treated their ex-wives and gfs so badly. It seemed so unneccessarily cruel. If you are the one to end a relationship and it's ending, you have what you want don't you? So why the nastiness? But since H's affair I have read and read, books, message boards, blogs, about affairs and the way relationships break down and I've come to realise that it is a self-preservation technique.The argument goes

"I am doing a shitty thing and hurting someone I used to love. But I don't want to be seen as a nasty person. So it must be her fault. I must have been mistaken when I fell in love with her all those years ago. She must have fooled me, or perhaps I pretended to love her because I felt sorry for her.... yes that must have been it! I was only with her to make HER happy. I am a selfless man who has given himself to a loveless marriage to make someone else happy! And I'm so broken by my years of self-sacrifice that I can't do it any more . See my shining halo! See my martyrs crown? Now I can justify anything I do. Hurrah!'

Yup he's following the cheater's script (do a search on MN for the script) - deflecting his own shitty issues/traits onto you.

Nasty but not surprising sadly. Reading the script will help you stay ahead of his tactics.

well he's surpassed himself today.

He turned up with two police officers - to prevent a breach of the peace - and took the Audi. He claimed that as it was in his name - it was theft if I kept it!

So I now have no car to take the girls to school or anywhere else next week!

What a caring father he is.

He hid in the police car. So he watched while I had to remove the car seat and kids stuff from the car. What a nasty pathetic little man he is.

How does he sleep at night? He truly is an evil creature. He's nit a man because a man wouldn't treat his family this way.