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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

789 replies

whyMe2014 · 08/09/2014 00:25

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 29/10/2014 19:27

WhyMe I believe you! I really, really, really do.

I thought it was me who was married to the master of the universe on a day trip to Planet delusional.

Apparently it's a favourite holiday spot for many STBXHs.

And, just for the record. He's a cunt. Calling him a C* as that implies he has potential.

He doesn't - he is now officially an A grade cunt.

magoria · 29/10/2014 20:19

I have to disagree WellWhoKnew. There are threads about this on MN.

He is not a cunt!

He lacks the depth and warmth to be one.

skyeskyeskye · 29/10/2014 21:56

how the hell can he demand that you take over loan repayments on a car that you don't want? Audi aide, it's your choice of what car you have.

The twat willingly took the loan out to buy the car so now he's stuck with the repayments. Not your problem.. He can't make you take that car.

Take control, get your own car and let him shove both his cars where the sun don't shine. Sideways.

whyMe2014 · 29/10/2014 22:56

Thanks girls - you do make me laugh.

He hasn't replied about the contact order for the children but I bet that will be a work of fiction as well.

I suppose I should never be surprised by outrageous demands.

I did think so what will he ask for next and it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't ask for some of the girls furniture as well. So they can feel at home in his new place. Well he can f right off.

OP posts:
Simile · 29/10/2014 22:58

You may want to find a new place for your Audi keys. Wouldn't be at all surprised if he tries to snatch them - or try again to get your DCs to get them.

Why on earth should you take on a car and a loan that he arranged in his name? He won't have given a crap if the Golf was a good one or the loan was a good rate as I suspect he thought he could bully you into it. Nah, you have one car, he has the other. Job done.

WellWhoKnew · 30/10/2014 08:00

Fair point, Magoria. Fair point.

whyMe2014 · 31/10/2014 14:29

Feeling very down today. Trying to dig out all the evidence etc. It just makes me face what he's done again and again.

Even looking at our names together on a bill hurts like hell.

Silly things like digging the girls Halloween costumes out from the loft upset me because my wedding dress is up there all boxed up.

I know he's not the same person anymore and he's with the tart. But unraveling 23 years is a nightmare.

If I get through all this I will be so strong I'll be able to take on anything. But just at this moment I'm crushed.

OP posts:
yougotafriend · 31/10/2014 15:24

when you get thru this... Because you will.

I know how horrible it all is, and how upsetting looking back is. You're allowed to remember good times and grieve that they won't happen any more with him, but you will still have loads of good times in the future.

DS1 is 18 soon and I was digging thru old photos to make a photobook, sitting there sobbing, dripping on the pictures, and I'm the one who's decided to leave!!

Yes I think you can allow yourself a down day every now and again Thanks

Bloomingflower1 · 31/10/2014 16:08

Out thoughts and love are with you OP. It will get better.

WellWhoKnew · 31/10/2014 20:25

Hello love,

It's way too soon to be feeling anything other than crushed. And also, when the solicitor's letters start flying around it makes it all frightening real and terminal.

It also ramps up the stress.

He left on Aug 15th. It's now ONLY 2.5 months later.

I really want to hammer the point home that if it takes the average person 18 months to come to terms with it, then you're doing just fine feeling as you do.

Because I feel very strongly about this [but accept I may be projecting], I put myself through hell for not 'getting over it' quickly, and I gave myself hell for feeling so bad and so pathetic for months.

Now if I want a moment, I take one. Everyone else can fuck off.

It's now six months. I'm still having a few sad moments, I'm still having a shit divorce, and I'm also finding quite a fun sunny spots too.

But at 2.5 months? No fucking way!

And yes, it still comes as surprise to me when I see the court orders/papers come through with both our names on.

I think I'll take the full 18 months, if you don't mind. Because, you know what? I'm normal.

So are you.

Take care. WWK

Zebraface · 31/10/2014 22:15

^ what WWK says

2&1/2 months is nothing. Just go with it. Its a rollercoaster but you'll get there,slowly.

I burnt all my photos of pre DS. That was cathartic.

Do what you need to get through xx

whyMe2014 · 02/11/2014 23:37

You're right WellWhoKnew, it does seem frightening and real. Some days I wake up and think things are normal but then I come crashing down and realise that my life is still shit.

I'm finding myself waking up really early in the morning and thinking about what's happening and not being able to go back to sleep until just before the alarm goes off then I wake up and I'm shattered all day.

My little one is still sleeping in my bed and I feel like she's being ripped away from me. My eldest is still testing me and being argumentative. I feel like everyday is a struggle.

Oh the good news is...someone bumped the Audi in a car park - he's going to love that!

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 03/11/2014 00:07

There is nothing that you've written that surprises me. I'm six months down the line from 'D.Day'.

I too (even now) wake up at silly o'clock and ponder my reality.
I too have barely slept for six months.
I too am scared of the future.

Your children will be feeling confused too. They will be 'acting out' because the don't understand why you are so sad/tense/anxious. Even if you think you're putting on a 'brave face' around the children - they are utterly astute in picking up the mixed messages.

So please, don't feel bad because your children aren't having the easiest of times: HE chose this for them. They will settle down and accept things over time, just as you will.

But in the interim, you're all reeling. Which means, nobody feels like behaving themselves!

So do the best you can, under the circumstances, to look after yourself and your children - but please don't give yourself a hard time if your usual standards don't get met.

Divorce is hideous for everyone. Please forgive yourself for finding it tough.

It does end, and you will feel better in time. Just not today.

WellWhoKnew · 03/11/2014 00:20

PS My second home (long story) got burgled this week. Guess who is expected to sort it all out.

And pay for it, of course.

Even though the insurance is in his name.

It does end...

In the interim, we just KOKO.

whyMe2014 · 03/11/2014 09:26

Thanks for the wise words WellWhoKnew.

So sorry you got burgled - doesn't surprise the idiot can't/won't sort it out and leaves it all to you. It's just as well that you a super bright, intelligent woman who doesn't need a twat in her life to do anything!

I had to spend two days last week ringing round trying to locate which companies my insurances (house,life,pet etc etc) are with and they are all in his name. I had to repeat my sorry story to each company. I got more compassion out of strangers on the phone than he has shown since he left. Legal and General even sent me flowers!

Take care xx

OP posts:
hillyhilly · 03/11/2014 10:13

Whyme, I have just read your thread beginning to end, I am so sorry your stbxh is behaving like such a twat.
You may not feel it, but you are getting so much stronger the more information and support you get and the more twatty behaviour he shows (which really is coming thick and fast isn't it)
Stay angry love it is the best way forward, just take care of you and your girls and don't engage with him.
Good luck for this week

skyeskyeskye · 03/11/2014 10:42

whyme it takes as long as it takes to deal with this and to "get over" it. I am 2.5 years on and I am so much better than I was then, I fell apart initially and it took me a very long time to get over it, including a relapse once the actual divorce was over (he left in April, divorced by Nov). I started 2012 happy, married, looking forward to the future, and ended it in a pit of despair, divorced and unhappy. BUT it does get better, slowly but surely.

I still get upset now at the fact that my 6yo DD is growing up without her dad in her life every day, that we are not a "family", but people remind me that me and her are family.

DD is sleeping in my bed and recently she had 6 sessions with a counsellor. When I asked the counsellor about it, she said that it is very common in "bereaved" children, to sleep with the remaining parent. She said not to worry about it and that DD will return to her own bed in time. So don't fret about it, it is just that DD needs to be close to you at the moment.

As WWK says, keep on keeping on. One day at a time, one step at a time. The pain and shock wears off in time, but you are still in the very early days, so please be kind to yourself. Try not to wallow in it, but allow yourself the time to grieve when you need to.

WWK sorry about the burglary Thanks

whyMe2014 · 03/11/2014 21:08

Thanks again for the support girls.

But guess what - his twatish behaviour continues - he's got another joint account overdrawn - one that I didn't even think he could get an overdraft on. I've complained to the bank. Got to try to freeze that one tomorrow as well.

I was so angry I rang him and he just said that he wasn't bothered by the bank accounts but that the Audi would have to go back in 20 days as he is in breach of contract. Well shit happens! He then put the phone down on me and sent me a text to say 'only contact him in future by email about the children'. What a prat - he's not even original anymore as that was one of my lines!

Well, I have somethings stored up for him so he's in for a bloody surprise.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 03/11/2014 21:50

What does that even mean that the Audi has to go back? Is it on lease? If it is you can get it changed to your contract rather than his? If you still want it after the prang *wince

Yes - bank time again. Are there any other joint a/c or cards at all? Freeze everything with a hint of joint-ness about it!

whyMe2014 · 03/11/2014 22:17

He traded in my Merc for the Audi and was paying the extra on a loan I believe. Because I wasn't involved when he bought it - he sent me a picture of it by text while I was at work.

I think he can have it back now it's dented ha!ha!

I thought I had checked all the banks and credit card things I could find. I even rang round some of the credit card companies to check that I was not liable for the credit cards he is currently using.

But there had to be one that I missed. Sods law.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 04/11/2014 07:37

Could you do a credit check (experian) to see what is linked to house for both you and your Ex.

tipsytrifle · 04/11/2014 08:59

If it's a loan then the Audi doesn't necessarily "go back". That may have been the way of it in the 50's but now it's different. Don't know the exact amount but after a time of payment repo isn't possible and in truth, few companies really want to reclaim a now dented car? BUT I might be wrong. I suppose higher end cars yes, like a Bentley or a Porsche.

In any case if repo becomes the case the car doesn't go back to XH it goes direct to the loan company - so NOBODY has it any more.

I think he's talking rubbish again. He has a Golf. It's possible that if he is supposed to be paying an Audi loan as well as a Golf loan that he has stopped doing so, for one or both. You'll know about it soon enough, no point in fretting right now.

And yes, sod's bloody law, eh?

whyMe2014 · 04/11/2014 13:16

God I hate it when the post turns up. Everyday there's more crap to deal with.

I feel like it's never ending.

Any tips on filling in the Form E? Solicitor reckons it will take a good few hours to complete and they charge silly figures.

OP posts:
Zebraface · 04/11/2014 19:46

Hi Why me.
Sorry about the bank,just more disconnecting to do,keep going (my xh made me take over all bills when he moved out,knew damn well I couldnt afford it...he just took onWhat he wanted... Twunt).
Dont panic about Form E. Not worth paying a sol. Just need to get all your facts together,bills,expenditure...I also recommend you run up some debt...puts you in a more sorry situation. (Xh ran up his credit cards when had previously always paid up....makes it look like you've hit hard times).
Form Ecwould take you say 4" hours,if you have all the detail to hand. Just take it a little at a time. I did it with my darling father.....have you a RL friend who could help/support?

WellWhoKnew · 05/11/2014 15:34

Hi WhyMe

Top tip, do a section at a time! Don't try and do it all in a day because it's mind boggling.

Do bank accounts, credit cards etc one day.
Do future needs one day.
Do normal expenditure one day. Print out all your bank statements for the last year or two, then get onto excel and put all your outgoings into different columns,

e.g. mortgage, insurance, coffee, clothing, kids clothing, school trips, food, fags, utility bills, holidays, cinema trips etc, tv licence, house maintanence, car mileage etc, etc. (Your solicitor can give you a form with anything and every expense you might incur to help you with this - mine did).

Then total up the year and divide by 12 for your monthly outgoings. There are different Form Es around so the box on outgoings can be rather small, so just write 'see attached' and appendix it if your Form E doesn't have headings built into it (mine did, STBXH's didn't - and he's now the fool for not filling that bit in correctly!). That's a good quality solicitor for you!

Ring around any expenses that come out of his account (and you might not know about them) and get quotes e.g. car insurance, house insurance etc.

Try and do it one day a week so you've plenty of thinking time. Make any notes as they pop into your head 'oh, yes' this expense'.

I can't chat today but if you want to talk to me about Form E, I am a bleeding expert on them these days, what with me having four (mine, his, his and his).

Form E is possibly the most important document to get right (am kicking myself now for not listing expenditure that he'd previously paid for and, of course, has now been dumped on me).

So take your time on it. And remember FULL and FRANK disclosure. Avoid any gross exaggeration. You won't get away with lying about stuff. E.g If your husband is a high earner and claims you lived a frugal lifestyle, but there's no money in the pot, it raises some really interesting questions (take note dear STBXH).

Good luck. It does end - but it goes on for quite some time! Let's hope you only have to do one!