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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

789 replies

whyMe2014 · 08/09/2014 00:25

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 26/10/2014 21:46

Mad FishWife!

Welcome to the club...

anonacfr · 26/10/2014 21:49

HAHAHAHAHAHAH that is awesome.

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 22:35

I have been told I can report him to his superiors so every time I get more ammunition I'm so tempted.

WellWhoKnew - I believe him to be a fuckwit of the highest order so I maybe in for a bumpy ride.

I supposed I did roar today - I'll probably cry tomorrow but perhaps I'll have more roaring days than sad ones soon.

IDeserveMore - Thanks for the best laugh I've had in ages. Please keep a look out for him. (I printed your quote off and I'm going to keep it in my handbag). Don't forget he also has expensive brown lace up shoes and the OW with big eyes (they truly are weird) on his little arm.

When he joined the police we were told that the divorce rate is very high compared to some professions. Well there'll be another one to add to the list soon.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 26/10/2014 22:54

He's kept you short of money to buy stuff for the girls. I know he must earn a fair bit but he splashes it around, hey? At your expense as often as possible.

It seems you gave him the hoover and, i suppose, the washer thing? Your choice but today sounds like competitive conflict really. Believe me I know how it gets there too!

What will you do about a vac now? Have you spoken to the loan company about your address being used for its agreement to the Golf loan?

I'm happy to see you angry and assertive but I also know how easily the fury can be self-destructive/aggressive too. Be careful with yourself why

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 23:51

Only gave him the hoover because I have another one. However, I did not hand anything else over until he pays the gas bill money back etc.

I spoke to the loan company and they didn't care - I told them the direct debit wouldn't get paid and I tried to give them his mobile number but they told me they could not help me as it was in his name!

The anger maybe coming from the fact that I'm off the Diazepam.

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 27/10/2014 00:28

Think you should go to Child Maintenance Options and start the ball rolling. It takes time but if he refuses to pay you they will take it from his wages and arrears also. I have to do this with the payroll for one of my clients. The employer has to comply, plus I'm sure the police would not be happy if he's not paying.

It's one area where you can take control and there's nothing he can do about it.

He is a total bastard for threatening not to see the girls. Access and maintenance are two very seperate issues and judges don't look favourably on men who withold payment over access.

After XH left he bought a whole new wardrobe of clothes to impress OW who is 17 years younger than him. He ought a laptop, iPad, car, then told me he had no money. They all do it. They resent paying you, when in reality it is to feed and clothe their kids.

yougotafriend · 27/10/2014 12:16

I saw this and thought of you (and others on MN) - it's an interesting take on divorce.

"Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and ... they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times." Louis C.K.

whyMe2014 · 27/10/2014 15:04

WTF! He's now emailed me and told me he's taking my daughters out for breakfast tomorrow. Not sure he's actually getting what pre-arranged contact means. He's also supposed to have supplied my solicitor with a proposal for contact but we haven't got that yet either.

It's half term and we already have activities planned but he doesn't seem to believe me. The man is a total twat.

Plus he's lucky he can afford to take them for breakfast. We're making do with toast at home!

Had to go to bank today and pay the mortgage as the joint accounts frozen and my direct debit wasn't set up on time. Had to tell the customer adviser why the other account was frozen etc with a long queue of people listening.

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 27/10/2014 15:49

Be aware OP, he is constantly attempting to assert his control. Do not let him. You are continuing to make rapid progress and are clearly getting stronger. Never forget what others are urging, in that as a member of the Police Force, he will be expected to treat you and the DC well. Hes bluffing when he states that his superiors wont be interested. Not providing would clearly deserve contact with them. The gloves are off and you need to do what you must do.

whyMe2014 · 27/10/2014 16:32

Well I've only cried once today (in high street so v. public - bit embarrassing) so perhaps the stronger me is surfacing.

Although when he was talking to me yesterday I could feel myself thinking perhaps it is me (mental shake) - he said that he was never controlling he was just tired from working so much!

Just been told by my solicitor that he's bluffing so you're right Bloomingflower1. She told me to stand my ground and if he wouldn't dare step out of line too much because his job will be at threat. However, she also warned me that sometimes because they've changed so much the job means nothing. So just be careful! What does that mean?

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 27/10/2014 16:41

Does your solicitor mean that some change so much that they do not care about what happens to their jobs? If so, then it doesnt sound like your dh. Keep your nerve OP, hes weak.

Zebraface · 27/10/2014 19:28

I've just read your entire thread Why me. So sorry you are going through this.

My bf used to be married to firearms officer...he also was self enitled,childish twat.....all think they're fucking great,!

Good that you are getting your anger,it will drive you,give you purpose. You will still have totally rubbish days,but they do get fewer....your purpose now is you & DC. He is no longer on your team.

Keep going. Get your finances separated. Don't think we anymore.. Its you,you,you!

whyMe2014 · 27/10/2014 23:12

What have I done now!

Was just looking a the small amount of presents I've got for my daughters birthday and I wanted to tell him (why did I think he would care).

So I rang him, yep I know I shouldn't, I'm going to have to lock the phone away. Anyway, as expected he didn't care, I told him I was sad that I could not afford much, he said hmmm, hmmm a few times and then put the phone down on me. Why oh why did I ring him. I'm not in my right mind.

Yep so I'm now knock back again - he's got control - and I look an idiot.

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 28/10/2014 00:41

We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself OP, and continue to move on. This is just a blip and will become less frequent with time. Ultimately it does not matter what he thinks, it`s what you do that matters. Have you truly given up on him yet?

whyMe2014 · 28/10/2014 00:52

I still think there must be a reasonable man in there somewhere but I know deep down that there isn't.

Perhaps you're right I haven't given up on him yet - although my head knows what he's done my heart is a different matter sometime.

OP posts:
Piercy · 28/10/2014 07:50

Oh Hun we all have a moment if weakness from the cream cake we shouldn't have to trying to appeal to ex better nature about the situation and their children.

I had to accept the man I fell for was gone - to help me with weak moments I had a notepad and I just wrote incidents in there how he had behaved how it made me feel - when I felt a weak moment coming I just read a few lines of that and weakness gone.

Haven't figured how to overcome cake weaknesses!! Grin

anonacfr · 28/10/2014 09:20

You had a moment of weakness but his reaction showed you once again what an arsehole he is- so in that sense the call was useful.

If the guy doesn't even care about his daughter's birthday and hangs up on you he is beyond anything.

WellWhoKnew · 28/10/2014 12:33

I worked out that as long as we do what we're told, we're "reasonable", have an opinion of our own, make a decision for ourselves, says something for ourselves, then we're unreasonable.

I quite like being unreasonable sometimes....

anonacfr · 28/10/2014 14:03

Absolutely!

Zebraface · 28/10/2014 17:03

Just picking up on earlier op

Why are you paying the mortgage....so let it default....if its joint he'll get into trouble he's not supposed to go into debt.

My xh sold clearly told him to rack up debt so it would look sad from his angle....so should you. If you have no money you can't pay...let it slide,he can explain to building society!!

whyMe2014 · 29/10/2014 13:24

Well the arsehole has really gone and surpassed himself this time.

I got his solicitors reply and in the list of contents he is demanding that he has the 'playstation and all the paraphernalia'. Is he for real - it's the kids toy!

As for all the other rubbish he's spouting - including - he doesn't believe I've been on extensive sick leave - twat - I have doctors records, certificates and my employers to vouch for that.

Plus back to the car issue - he is demanding that I take the Golf and take over the finance payments! WTF - I do not want the bloody car - plus the interest rate he is paying is extortionate so he is a complete prat for taking it out.

He is a nasty vindictive c* and I hate him at this precise moment.

And I haven't even told you the worst bits of the letter!

OP posts:
Bloomingflower1 · 29/10/2014 13:33

He is merely helping you get over him. Do what your solicitor suggests and nothing else and try not to reply to him. This is just the start of the legal stuff. It will get better and then you will look back and realise just how happy you have become - without him.

UpNorthAgain · 29/10/2014 18:13

Re the play station - my XH tried to charge me £500 for the bed our daughter slept in. You really couldn't make this stuff up. He accuses me of squandering the child maintenance on all kinds of luxuries, when of course it just goes to feeding and housing our daughter. Men's sense of entitlement is astonishing.

Zebraface · 29/10/2014 18:50

Oh why me.

This is now what happens......letter trades with letter. You get angry & upset. I dreaded those letters in the end,knew they contained upset.

Do not react. Put it in a drawer. Take a deep breath & ignore. For a week if you can.

He is being prompted by his solicitor (I told you my xh was same....all about him). YOU don't have to take the car & payments.

Ignore that bullshit.. Focus on what you DO need.

Its about providing a home & stability for YOUR dcs.....but of course he's forgotten that because its all about his cock & his pathetic new life.

Go for a walk,calm yourself.....

1FluffyJumper · 29/10/2014 18:58

Has he replied about contact? I would ignore the stupid demands and just keep asking about the contact arrangements and maintenance. I'm sure your solicitor will know best though.

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