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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

789 replies

whyMe2014 · 08/09/2014 00:25

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 25/10/2014 22:29

Yep, woman gets on with her life no matter how hard he tries to destroy it.

Plus only had two cries today because I've been so bloody angry with him.

Not sure how I'm going to handle tomorrow.

However, hope he likes the way I'm looking after the Audi (used to be white now absolutely disgusting - should I care - nope - can't see the alloys for the dirty crust!)

Got a feeling he may come round tomorrow with some of his family.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 25/10/2014 22:32

Its all computerised for the tv licence now, cancel it and you get a letter within 7 days asking why... leave it until you get a letter...

BumWad · 25/10/2014 23:10

Just read the read start to finish and want to say you are doing fabulous!

tipsytrifle · 25/10/2014 23:11

Why should he have the vac and pressure washer? Pfft ... keep everything until a court drags stuff from your hands! On the basis that you might not be able to afford to replace x y or z for awhile that seems reasonable Grin

tipsytrifle · 25/10/2014 23:15

Got a feeling he may come round tomorrow with some of his family.

What does this mean? In a threatening way? Be ready to lock yourself and DC in at any point and call police. Might be an idea to keep doors locked as a matter of the new normality anyhow, if you don't already do that.

Simile · 25/10/2014 23:18

Ring the TV licensing people. They simply switched my name for sbxh's name, and set up a new direct debit from my own account. No additional charges at all. They were very nice.

whyMe2014 · 25/10/2014 23:48

Your right tipsytrifle I will keep everything for now - plus thinking of putting prawns in hoover if he ever does get it back! Will that be smelly enough?

As for his family - I think he might bring them as witnesses - I think his dad will be verbally abusive because he's been very unpleasant to me before then blamed it all on me.

Plus I always keep everything locked now - and alarmed at night. I've even had the Fire Service round who have put a special letter box cover on so that I lock that at night. They also warned me about all sorts of stuff that goes on. It did frighten me a bit but better to be aware of what could happen and be prepared.

I'll ring the TV people in the morning.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 25/10/2014 23:53

Got final results today and I'm all clear. So at least that's a relief.

Still can't believe he put me through all that.

Although in a weird sort of way part of me was hoping that there was something so she would have it too. Is that a really sick way to think? What am I turning into?

OP posts:
Piercy · 26/10/2014 05:20

Dear why I think you are amazing - I had a controlling husband (now ex) - my world just shattered but thank god no children but it was difficult enough - where you started, been through and where you are now I think you've been incrediable. I was so controlled that when I moved in to my new place I couldn't even choose curtains - if I came across someone who had a penis and a pulse they were not to be trusted.

But here I am awake as my 18 month old had me up he's now in bed asleep with me n hubby (who would believe it)

I think it only makes you stronger but what a hell of a way of getting stronger not an easy method at all.

You go girl you are incrediable and don't take any shit later today - will be thinking of you and checking in later - hugs

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 08:47

Piercy - Thanks for the support - it's nice to know people come out the other side ok.

I wish I never had to see him again but I know he will try to control me for the rest of my life through the children.

At this moment Iam dreading handing them over to him because I just don't know whether he will bring them back on time or will be playing sick games.

I'm also feeling old today - I feel like I've wasted 23 years. Who would want a washed up person like me.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 09:28

stbxh just emailed me and asked for his hoover, pressure washer and toolbox again - told him he can have the hoover but he needs to give me back the gas bill money and pay the rest of the maintenance before he gets anything else. Take that a hole!

OP posts:
anonacfr · 26/10/2014 11:45

Good for you!

WellWhoKnew · 26/10/2014 11:59

They can only control you if you don't know how to stop it. Once you learn, you learn for life! And it seems you're learning quickly how negotiate.

If he is asking and not demanding the hoover, then there's some progress.

You haven't wasted 23 years. He's squandered a marriage, a family and you with his behaviour. And right now, you probably feel a wreck, look a wreck and are a wreck. When you start feeling better, you'll start looking better and you'll be better. You're not washed up forever...just right now you're nowhere near your best.

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 12:52

He's just turned up to take the girls out and guess what? He's all dressed up in new clothes and expensive leather shoes. What a c*.

He docked my maintenance this month by £300 and he's standing there in new clothes. He's also lost weight.

He was so cocky and told my eldest to 'go get the Audi keys'. I ran and got the Audi keys and told him to take the Golf. He went ballistic and said that he was taking the car to be washed. I told him that he was supposed to be here to see the girls.

He then threatened that he wouldn't take the girls and he would go. What a great father he is.

All he was bothered about were people walking past and hearing what I was saying to him. He told me that he was not trying to control me.

But the worm has turned. I'm fucking livid! I know I shouldn't have but I was so angry - I know I should try to be dignified but I couldn't. I didn't care who saw it.

He's a cocky twat.

He eventually took the girls (in the Golf) and I told him if he was not back by the agreed time I would report him. He said the Police wouldn't be interested. Well we will see about that.

I'm going to contact my solicitor tomorrow.

I still hope he rots in hell.

OP posts:
whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 15:57

He actually brought the girls back on time!

However, the anger got the better of me again and I followed him to the car (not sure where I'm getting the bravery from).

Anyway I sat on the bonnet and told him that I wanted the rest of the money for the maintenance. I also told him a lot of other things! We am I getting this fight from - it's scary!

Of course the controlling freak did not listen to anything I said. However, all my neighbours were extremely interested and have come round offering support and cuddles. Bless.

I then told him to piss off and came back inside.

He then rang me and said that I would get no maintenance next month and my solicitors letter was a joke.
Plus he said that he take the girls overnight next time.

This is far too soon so I told him if he threatened me again I would go 'no contact' until mediation for the girls. I hate him

He also bought my eldest daughter an ipod for her birthday - he knows because he kept me short of money I can't afford much. I hate him even more.

He was nasty and abusive and I tried to assert myself time and time again but he would not listen. It's just a laugh to him - he thinks he is above everything and that it will all work out ok for him.

OP posts:
anonacfr · 26/10/2014 16:05

Can't you report him to someone? How can he get away with this?

Reading this makes me so angry for you. I'm glad your neighbours were so supportive- you should be telling the whole world what a shit he is.

WellWhoKnew · 26/10/2014 16:13

They only get away with it in the short-term. The legal system is a sobering experience.

Whyme as much as you probably don't feel like doing this, you need to file for divorce asap, that way you can start with the Ancillary Relief Application (this is the money) and the child arrangements. That usually starts to focus everyone's minds (in some cases).

Unfortunately, not the ultimate fuckwits - but most people.

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 16:16

I can't believe I made a scene - little old me - who hasn't said boo to a goose in years. OMG

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 26/10/2014 16:19

Please do not engage with him on the phone. all communications has to be by email/text so that you have a record of his fuckwittery.
I am sure he was delighted the neightbours got to know of his behaviour.
Please get the divorce underway now--you have nothing to lose

WellWhoKnew · 26/10/2014 16:39

Good for you. This is the time of your life when you can behave quite badly if you want to, given the pressure you're under.

Just don't do anything you'll regret further down the line (like setting fire to his precious audi!). You don't want to end up with criminal charges....

[Told you you'd roar!] Didn't expect it to be quite literally but who cares!

Onmyownwith4kids · 26/10/2014 18:26

I think you are doing brilliantly. I can't believe how similar our stories and ex husband's behaviour is. Mine is also a 40 year old police officer who went off with a much younger colleague. I have had all the thoughts you've had, how did I waste so many years. Who else will want me. I'm a year further on than you. Launching divorce proceedings gave me back control. It's so hard when you have children with these idiots as days like the one you've had today make it hard to move on. I have only just begun to come out the other side. My ex is now miserable and wants to come back but it's far too late. I now feel sorry for ow. She has a selfish idiot to cope with.life is so much better without him. Yours will be too x

IDeserveMore · 26/10/2014 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldgrandmama · 26/10/2014 19:29

OP, you're awesome! That showed him. And what's more, you've now got the neighbours onside - every cloud, silver linings etc. etc.

Do go down the legal route pronto. Sounds like you've got him on the back foot. Now, I may have missed something in the thread, but surely his employers (the Police) must be less than impressed at his behaviour? Do they know about it? If you were so worried about his potential vengefulness to fit fireproof whatsits on your letterbox, then that's indicative of your genuine fear of him - and this is a man licensed to carry GUNS? Dear God!

I'm so glad you've discovered your fierce and ANGRY inner tigress! He sounds an absolute Grade A turd.

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 21:29

Whoops forgot to tell you girls that I emptied a tin of tuna into the hoover! (and he took it ha)
Does that mean I'm a fishwife?

OP posts:
angela123q · 26/10/2014 21:45

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