Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

I'm trying to take control but each time he tries to batter me down again.

I feel like one of those blow up kids toys with sand at the bottom - hit me and I'll come up fighting again for my children.

Unfortunately he took the documents for the car. When I look back I feel there's been planning taking place.

As he's a police officer I've been told to report his behaviour because the police are supposed to get into big trouble if they get into debt!

Plus I'd so like to expose what has gone on where he works.

He moved into his new rental property today - so he's probably snuggled up to his tart and I'm here in a cold kitchen wide awake and worrying about how I'll pay the bills. I hope he rots in hell.

Came home from school with the kids and found that he'd cancelled sky as well. Everyday I get something new.

My little girl came home from school and told me she'd learnt a song - it was actually a prayer about walking beside you. She said it perfectly and even though I'm not very religious it made me smile and cry at the same time. She was so proud of her achievement and asked me why I was crying - I said it helped heal mummys hurt.

Hey, WhyMe, yep - you've hit the nail on the head:

Every time you assert your control, he tries to batter you down again.

All of us divorcing the "master of the universe" experience the same thing. It's brutal.

And the thing I've noticed with all of us divorcing the "master of the universe" that have had some (if not several) experiences of the justice system so far are learning: judges are actually very bright, very perceptive, very fair, very reasonable people.

Just assert your control. And leave him trying. As the old joke goes 'he is very trying.

It IS fucking hard financially in the early months of a divorce. They will try to assert themselves every which way. In the short term they win.

You see, you have an arse. It serves a pragmatic role in your life (comfort to sit upon, and it emits unwanted and depleted solid matter). You also have a metaphoric arse. This one believes they have a right to remove all comfort from your life, and yet they too spout shit.

You, from now on, remind yourself in the future you will only have one arse. That's the practical one.

Pragmatism outshines metaphoric every single day of the week.

Judges do pragmatism.

However, those of us who have been forced into the courthouse (me twice so far now heading to a Final Hearing) have been amazed at just how fair the legal system is. It does not like bullshit.

Mine did a lot of planning too. All the institutions I've contacted for replacement info have done so free of charge when I have honestly explained my situation. It's a pain, but not insurmountable. Also, once the divorce proceeds they have to disclose - so they get the pain of having to scan the documents back to you.

Karma!

As for acts of revenge. Don't. Bide your time. Trust me on this. You have a nose. It's attached to your face. Keep it that way.

When my STBXH suddenly abandoned me, I had no idea what that would ultimately mean. I started to write here, and since then, I've chatted to a ton of women all going through their own divorces. Those of us in litigation hell are all experiencing the same thing. We are all utterly suffering but it ends.

So let your metaphoric arse spout his shit for now.

But there's a ton of women round these parts who actually have survived and thrived post shitty divorces. I believe them.

Just as I believe you writing about your disbelief of your situation.

(And at risk of being accused of self-promotion [as well as being a troll!], I started a thread called Dear STBXH - which has been a real-time recording of events as they've happened, but I will admit do NOT disclose the full circumstances of my situation for obvious reasons). This may well be the ride that faces you.

And I'm doing okay - all things considered.

I'm more than okay some of the time too.

Take care.

WellWhoKnew - you're very good with words. I can picture it all.

I'll check out your thread Dear STBXH.

Sending you love and support.

If Sky was in his name then I guess he can cancel it. If you have enough money coming in then you can set it up again in your name. I think you should stop being that sand thingy, buffeted by whatever comes her way.

If you have the Audi, use it until you can't. Then get a replacement if you can. You haven't mentioned the Golf so I'm wondering where that is? Until everything is sorted by the court, finances are likely to be shit, depending on your wage. This will impact on cars, but I recall XH was told you could keep/use the Audi for now anyway?

My advice would be to focus purely on being actively practical for now, is that an acceptable idea?

If you want to tell the police about all this then do it. Or don't. You still have to get a grip of the reins belonging to YOUR life.

Just set up new Sky bundle in my name for half price with extras. I'm taking control bit by bit.

Still got the Audi and I let the kids eat whatever they want in it - you should see the state of it. I used to drive a lovely old battered Nissan Primera - I loved that car. It was him that had to have status symbols.

I'm trying to live for today and not think too far forward. I think I think too much. Trying to do 'Mindfulness' and bring myself back to the moment. Not too easy but will keep going.

You're right I need to take over the reins. Baby steps but I'm fighting back.
Sent him another email re. children - if he doesn't comply then it will be via a contact centre. Nobody threatens to abduct my children and get any with it.

Go you! Baby steps, just little tiny baby steps forward....

And yes, no-one threatens to abduct children and get away with it. The children need to be kept out of the divorce as much as possible.

No doubt he will hit back at you with a threat of a contact order but don't worry, lots of people 'round these parts have dealt with these. You will deal with it if it happens.

They threaten a lot these arses. Most of it is like a fart. A lot of noise, very little substance.

Love that grrrr in the tone of your last post why ... that's more like it!

Well he hasn't replied to my email re. the children so I take it he's not going to turn up tomorrow.

I feel like he either really couldn't careless or he's storing things up and is going to hit me right between the eyes. Or both.

Bought Christmas cards today (!) because I wasn't getting him one it nearly killed me. How do I turn the emotions off.

The emotions just fade away after a while. You just suddenly find a little moment where it doesn't all hurt all of the time.

It, however, is so so so so hard in the early months.

Honestly, I never thought I'd get passed the pain but I did. Him behaving like an utter twat has helped. Getting into the justice system quickly has really helped because I've had to face up to the fact that he left, he wasn't coming back and I was in a hell of hole.

I'm nearly six months from him leaving and it's only now I'm glad he's gone. I've made new friends, I get out more. I drink less. I have occasionally started sleeping again.

The dreams have stopped.

I have no idea how my future is going to be - but I'm okay with him fucking off without notice. It really is just 'cry your heart out' time. Eventually, those tears just stop.

But also work on your self-esteem. It's through the floor right now. Find things that help you feel good about yourself.

Thanks WellWhoKnew...

You're right about the sleeping - haven't slept properly since he left.
Plus actually facing up to the fact that he has left and is not coming back he the hardest thing ever. I have moments when I think - I'll ring him and tell him what happened in the day but then he's not my friend anymore.

My little one made a lovely model of a house at school today and it has pride of place on a shelf in the lounge - he would have put it in the bin. Not anymore - I'm proud of both my daughters achievements - he couldn't care a toss.

I think the future is too scary at the moment but the past is too painful - trying to live for the moment as my counseller says - not always that easy.

Self-esteem - couldn't get any lower. But did find myself looking at an advert for joining a Salsa class.

You're doing so well - you inspire me to keep going.

If only they felt our pain for 1 day would they have done anything different?

I have just sat for the last hour reading through the shit time that you have and still are having!
I'm sorry that you married a Bastard (excuse my French)
BUT from reading this I can see you are such a brave, strong woman and an excellent Mother to your girls.

He never deserved you.

I'm sending you love and hope, to keep doing what you are doing.

Thank you the support SarahSnail.

Not sure what to do today. He didn't reply to my email so do I stay in on the off chance that he turns up or do I go out?

Go out. Take the girls somewhere nice.

He's just text me to say he's on his way. Well it's too late. He can't pick them up when he wants.

So get on your way and go down to the local caff for buns with the girls. Be out.

Just read your thread and wanted to say you are so strong and amazing. I hope you are out and having a lovely time with your girls.

Go out now and don't reply

What would you prefer? A few hours free of childcare to catch up/have a good cry?/long soak in a bath/kip/house clean/pop out for a coffee.

Or go out with the girls?

Remember if you decide on the former avoid chatting to him/getting into arguments etc. If there's any doubt about him returning the children, calmly say that you will alert the police if he's late given he has threaten to abduct them.

Be utterly calm, detached and send him on his way.

Then cry your heart out.

If the latter, turn phone to silent to let him calm down. Come home later and when you're calm send an email to say, sorry you missed his call. Perhaps he would like to see them tomorrow/next week etc and spell out the times. And to please confirm the arrangements.

He will get very angry and abusive. You ignore that and focus on what's going to happen, when and how.

He does not need 'why'. He left so you stop answering to him then.

Don't get into an argument if you can avoid it.

Well guess what I did girls?

Yep...went out. F* him!

He sent me so many emails, he even got his brother to text me. Haven't spoken to him in years (nor has stbxh so v. surprised)!

Had lunch (chip shop so cheap as chips!) went to the park and it was a lovely sunny day.

He, it would appear, sat outside my house for two hours! Stalker!

Before we went out I emailed him to say that if he had answered my emails and confirmed he was coming (plus agreed to return the children in writing) he could have seen them but as he had not replied we would make other plans. Well that's just what we did.

I also said if he complied he could see them tomorrow. But he replied that he would not be agreeing to anything. His last sentence had me in stitches..."I know I have hurt you, but this is upsetting". WTF has he any bloody idea what he has done to me and my girls.

Then he sent another email with "Please think about what you're doing, for the girls sake". Again WTF at no time did he think about us while he was shagging the prostitutes!

His last threat was..."In solicitors hands. I will be back tomorrow at 12".

Then incredulously he text me and told me to unlock the side gate and leave the hoover and the pressure washer outside so that he could pick them up! Is he for f real.

he genuinely is unhinged well done for standing upto him and getting on with your day. If I really had to leave electrical equipment outside for him, I would take the fuse out of the bloody plug.
Also make sure the tv licence is in your name as that will be the next thing he cancels.
Have you reported him to his superior officer yet?

Oh, so woman gets on with her life.

Fuckwit gets upset.

In future, Fuckwit reads emails and accepts.

Or woman gets on with her life.

Welcome to the new world order.

In other words: the kids have a decent weekend.

You are so right - unhinged is the correct word. I think the other one is sociopath!

Plus why should he have the pressure washer and the hoover when he cut my maintenance this month and used the gas bill credit to pay of part of the overdraft he ran up on our joint account.

I told him to give me back the gas bill money as I would be in arrears but he just emailed me "unable to confirm". What a twat. So his kids will be cold in the winter. What a great father he is turning out to be.

And if I ask him any questions such as where is the buildings and contents insurance policy etc he never answers me.

Anyway...took control of a few other things as well last night - even removed him from my Tesco clubcard account!

I must be doing something right as today even my eldest girl gave me some of the longest cuddles I've had in a long time.

I haven't reported him yet - I'm choosing my time.

I suppose the tv licence could be the next thing - do they still have those little vans with detectors or am I so last century?

Well done you for standing up to your bullying stbxh.

Wait for a rainy day, then leave electrical equipment outside for him (but only if you want to)