Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Yes, me too. I feel that I've been the 'biggest dumb blonde' this century has ever seen.

Except the only thing I'm guilty of is trust.

Hardly the crime of the century.

Will I ever trust anyone again? I don't know. It's too soon to say.

Will anyone ever find me attractive again (for whatever reason), I don't know - it's too soon to say.

But right now you are very damaged. You're correct about that.

You've been run over by a bus metaphorically speaking. If you'd really been run over by a bus, you'd be very damaged physically.

And you would permit yourself to be 'woe-is-me' in the latter situation.

Physical pain is easy to see. Emotional pain impossible. So, please, stop being hard on yourself for feeling so hurt. It's perfectly okay to be shit-scared of the future, given the uncertainty and suffering of the present.

It does get easier - but it takes time.

Take care.

Meet your friend - another trusting dumb blonde.

Who did the silliest thing just now - I rang him....aaaaagggggghhhh. Why did I do that. Well...he sent me an email about the joint account, his rental property bill of over £2,300 and blaming me for all his money worries. What a bastard. I emailed him back.

I had been having a really hard day - crying mostly while girls were out.

Then for some reason I thought I would ring him.
He was so cold and nasty. He actually threatened to not give me any maintenance for the girls if I kept the Audi. What a bastard.

He said that the overdraft was my fault and he even said I owed him another £600 on top!

There was no remorse for what he's done even though I told him that our eldest was going to have counselling and the children are both still affected by what he's done. He couldn't careless.

He said that he missed them and I told him if he hadn't been such a bastard he would still be with them. No answer.

He wouldn't listen to anything I said - then he tried the silent treatment.
What is his f problem.

Then he resumed control and put the phone down.
I hate him now. I hope he rots in hell.

Plus he threatened to tell me eldest daughter again that mummy was stopping daddy from seeing her. What a prick.

I told him he had to provide a regular contact schedule as explained in my solicitors letter and not to discuss contact with the girls. He said that they were his girls and he would do what he liked - no one would stop him from seeing them. So I said if he continued to try to manipulate my eldest he would have to see them at a contact centre.

He's only using access to the girls to get a to me because when he was here all he did was take them to breakfast then go on his ipad all day.

I've come to think that being human involves being damaged. It's part of our spiritual journey, it becomes part of who we are and how we react to others. Damaged doesn't have to be a negative concept. I mean, do you know anyone who is Perfect?

Uncertainty and fear are what we have to live with. You will be fine, you really will. I know it sounds harsh and you might not like me for saying it but, through tears and heartache, we grow. Blissful happiness doesn't have half the same impact as abject misery on a soul's journey. Sorry. But you have an ambitious soul and she wants to learn how to be YOU. Without him.

Just caught up with your posts, sorry and so *ouch but by goddess I'm glad to hear your fury!

How about no further contact by phone? Aren't you glad that joint a/c is defunct now?

He's only using access to the girls to get to me ... yes!

He said that they were his girls and he would do what he liked ... No!

Please consult your legal folk ... he infuriates me and I never met him!

Thanks for your support tipsytrifle.

I could kick myself for phoning him when I've been good at ignoring his text and emails but I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I'm so glad I froze the joint account. Serves him bloody right. Plus how on earth am I to blame for any of his financial mess including the extra loan he now has to pay on the bloody Golf. Idiot!

I knew it would get nasty but not this quickly.

But even now it still surprises me just how cold he is to me. How do you switch from love to hate so quickly?

He's justifying his actions by making out you're the 'baddie' in this and he had no option other than to leave. I suggest you don't disappoint him. X

Whyme I've been reading your thread tonight and I'm really impressed. I know you won't see it, but actually, under the circumstances, I think you are coping really well.

I have a suggestion to make: draw up a plan of times your DD can see her dad. Just make it 2-3 hours initially as advised, say until the end of Nov. Show it your daughter.

Tell her that you know she is upset and unhappy and by writing the plan down you are trying to get contact sorted so that she can at least see her dad.

Tell her you are sending it to your solicitor to be forwarded on to her dad. If he agrees it can then go ahead. (and do the same for the lo too - obv without talking to her about it in the same way).

It may seem a bit manipulative to show it to your DD but she really needs to know that you are putting her first. She needs to know that you care that she is upset and are trying to make it better for her. She needs to know she can depend on you even tho her other parent is a first class shit of the highest order

And, I'm really sorry you went thro that painful phonecall. He is really is a nasty vile twat. As if you needed that confirming.

I must be so awful, that's why I've been the stability for the girls when he run off to be with the OW.

He's behaved like a petulant child - if I don't get my way I'll chuck my toys out of the pram/Audi/Golf (delete as necessary).

He didn't even try to defend what he has done - I truly believe he doesn't have a conscience.

He seems to think ...he's done what he's done now get on with it.

In one of his text he stated that..."I've left, we've separated, I've fallen for someone else it's as simple as that".

Just like when he bought the Audi and sent me a photo of it (after he's bought it). He 'deserves it' well he f deserves everything he's going to get now as well!

Thanks bunchoffives - I think that's a great idea. I'll try it.

Don't forget Why, underneath all that blame and indifference there will be a massive guilt. That's why you are to blame for everything, why it's just he's 'simply fallen' [ffs, how old is he?] for someone else (poor woman, is she in for a rude awakening), why it's all about him.

He can't consider you or his children because that would mean having to face up to his awful behaviour. His own mental self-defense cannot allow that to happen.

I just hope he doesn't let your DD down too massively - try to limit his scope to do so. Make your own arrangements for her birthday and do not let his part of the day have the potential to mess up any other part of it.

Yep..his words 'simply fallen'... he's 44 !

The night he left he said romantic love was important and we didn't have it.
Should have guessed then that there was another woman but didn't find out until 12th Sept (by mistake) and then he wouldn't admit it to me.

He's behaved like a coward all the way through.

Arrrrrgggghhh - spoke to him again today by phone and he was a complete twat.

He tried to convince me that I should be reasonable and accept the Golf as he could not afford to pay both car loans. He said again that If I refused he would reduce my maintenance for the girls. Well he shouldn't have bloody bought the Golf then.

He also said that two hours to see the girls is not enough so he will keep them out longer. I told him if he didn't bring the girls back on time I would report him. He continued to say he could do what he liked so I said if that was the case he would have to have them on supervised access. That made him blow a fuse.

He then said that he would sit in the car outside my house with the girls because two hours is not enough time to take them anywhere. Well he used to manage before - a quick restaurant breakfast then back to his ipad - hmmm maybe 1 hour 15mins is enough then. He seems to think he has the higher ground because of his police training.

He also assumed that me eldest would stay at his new rental property Saturday night. He hasn't even given me the bloody address. Plus he doesn't even move into it until Friday. He seems to think that my girls will be staying at his place quite a lot - well that's not going to happen. They are in school near me and he'll be two hours away.

He threatened that he would get more access if he went to court - bring it on and I'll bring up the prostitute stuff and the various women he entertained from the Internet. Not a good enviroment for my daughters.

He then threatened again to tell my eldest that mummy was keeping daddy from seeing them etc etc.

He again blamed me for all him money problems and I shouted back at him that he had brought everything on himself. Twat.

Glad to hear you're getting angry x

He says, he says, he says.

I like reading your "I say". I really like to see that your little voice is getting louder, more incredulous and more assertive.

It won't be long before you roar!

(But try to stay off the phone, and be very self-disciplined with emailing). You ARE in charge now, so don't give him the air time, give him 'time and space' to get used to the BIG change in dynamics.

Well done - a small step has been taken today. At some point, you'll make huge strides.

Take care.

Good christ, you have all the cards, and he knows it. That's why he's being such a shouty arse. Stick to your very sensible guns and detach, sorry, I know it's really hard because despite all the shit you probably still haven't got out of the habit of loving him. Time will take care of that.

Where are you with the legalities of separation, why?

His relationship with the girls could do with a more formal schedule, I think. Though 2h away is problematic. Abduction threats (that's what they are) would kind of cancel out anything though. If he sits outside your home, it would be correct procedure to call the police for his removal.

Did you speak to the loan company about the Golf with its semi-fraudulent information?
Have you spoken to the lawyer about this and his latest communications?
Do you still have the Audi and do you have any paperwork at all for it?
If it is still with you but legally he is the keeper, you might consider charging for storage. Even with a shared mortgage, seems to me the car resides on your half of the property.

Just checked the bank and guess what he's reduced the amount of child maintenance by the Audi car loan! What a bastard.

So now we see what his priorities are.

As for the girls his mum lives 5 mins away so he could go there.

My solicitor sent him my divorce letter and a letter with regard to the children and asked for his proposal for contact with the children. But still waiting for an answer.

I agree with tipsytrifle I thought it sounded like abduction threats. I was so shocked that he had no regard for his children feelings. The reason behind the two hour slot was that my little one is so clingy at the moment - she cries everyday going into school it's heartbreaking. A solicitor I saw at a drop in centre suggested small slots building up over time. He cannot just expect to take them and bring them back when he likes. What planet is he on?

I think I'll be roaring soon due to his blatant disregard for his children. He's using them to hurt me. He kept saying that he desperately missed his children - that's why he hasn't seen them since September.

I did explain to my eldest that there would be a regular schedule of visits with daddy but daddy hadn't agreed to it yet.

I've phoned my solicitor but I'm just waiting for her to ring back.

He took the Audi paperwork but I like the idea of charging him storage!

you need to get your solicitor onto that one. he has to pay a set rate of maintenance, if less for any reason, it should be agreed by both of you. ask your solicitor where you stand on him deducting money for a car that you dont want and didnt ask for...

Also, just consider going through the CSA or whatever its called now. Maintenance will be deducted at source from his wages, so there is nothing he can do to change it unless he jacks his job in, which seems unlikely.

My solicitor told me to write 3 emails back to him, girls, money and car with a few added extras re. if he doesn't comply blah blah blah. Not sure if they're going to be strong enough. May change solicitors.

Woke up this morning on my 14th wedding anniversary with my little girl cuddling me and stroking my face saying she loves me.

I so want to protect them from the pain he's causing us and I know I can't - it's ripping me apart.

Hey, WhyMe - you are protecting them from the pain he's causing, because you are getting advice and trying to get some control over a situation you haven't asked to be put in, and which he is actively aggravating.

So, please, don't beat yourself up for finding it all so hard. It truly is hard but it doesn't last for ever. Don't be afraid of finding solicitors that will work for you - but always remember, in the very early days, when emotions are at their most raw, solicitors want everyone to calm down quickly, and so they try those tactics first. Separation and Divorce can take a long time, and be very costly, and they know that. They know what we can afford as well. We know just how difficult and stubborn our STBXH's can be, but you have to try everything to get them to co-operate before you call in the big guns.

From our perspective, it can be incredibly stressful as we're the ones doing the hard yards.

Write your emails, then if you can, leave them for a few days. You'll undoubtedly return to an inbox full of abuse. That is what you take back to your solicitor for advice on.

Don't get drawn into email 'ping-pong'. It'll make you feel worse. The No Response from you, will undoubtedly mean that the other person will get more provocative and aggressive (from first hand experience). You just keep collecting the evidence (and then print it out) and take it to your solicitor. Don't whatever you do, forward each email - as it'll cost you a fortune!

Then get their advice from there.

Emotionally, this is the hardest time in the world. Cry your heart out, kick the walls, do whatever you need to do, but just don't react to him. You will heal but not in a day or a week or a month. But you and your children will heal.

Take care.

thanks WellWhoKnew for your continued support - big hugs.

My eldest girl lost her phone yesterday and it was the catalyst for all the emotional pain she's been feeling - everything came out and all I could do was watch it. I felt so awful.

My stbxh keeps emailing me about the children this morning and he still will not agree to the terms ... how long do I give him before I say 'no contact' until mediation. As a result of his threat re. not bringing the girls back I'm going to see another solicitor tomorrow.

I don't believe he actually reads anything I send him because his answers are irrelevant to my statements/questions.

No worries, I find it fascinating in its own way that I made myself to ill with the anxiety and stress of my own situation, because I believed him!

Being further down the road (and within months of a Final Hearing) I am far more pragmatic and detached than I used to be. I know how to ignore the shit behaviour and laugh about it, it doesn't make me ill and anxious anymore in the way it did.

It's the benefit of experience, I suppose.

Sorry about your girl - divorce is truly a tough time for everyone. Like her, as for you, it's going to take some time to adjust. Until you do, it's not going to be pretty at all. Everyone needs to grieve and behave badly in their own way (I drank too much, for example).

Just take it one day at a time and focus on things you can do together to get through each moment, rather than focusing on the loss of the situation. Try to get out as much as possible, treats to films the kids want to see etc. Little things to distract that you can afford.

When do you want to say 'No Contact' until mediation? He doesn't need to agree but how is he going to force you to do his bidding? If he has threatened not to bring the girls back, he is a fool and an idiot. Lots of people make threats like this (and then don't act on them) so therefore you mitigate the threat: say you'll agree contact, but only at a contact centre.

I can assure you he is reading everything. He is choosing to write about his priorities and ignore yours.

'Bout time you adopted the same attitude, I'd say.

Take control Why.

You draw up a calendar of dates and times for contact. He either agrees and sticks to it or there's no contact until it's agreed in court/mitigation.

Why don't you get rid of the bleedin car and buy your own? Can you sell it? Have you got the registration doc? That way he can stfu about that one too?

As for maintenance, I'm afraid the bottom line is in reality there's precious little that can be done if he messes about. Getting full payments/arrears takes an age and in the meantime of course you're skint. It can be easier to just see what they pay as a bonus and try to work on whatever income you can get independently, which might mean your own pay topped up with tax credits.