Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Don't give him the passport. It could be lost unavailable for awhile. Just until you have got yourself better supported legally. Have you cancelled everything to do with this darn Golf yet?

Have you engaged a "proper" lawyer? Didn't someone write to XH about the Audi? With respect, I don't think drop-in advice is as committed or missile-targetted as you need ...

I think these practical matters need to be dealt with as a matter of urgency. Perfectstorm's post put it very clearly.

You first posted on Sept 8. It's a month later and you need to be getting legalities on-track now, rather than passively waiting for the next bombshell. He has made good use of his time by seeing a lawyer and getting the bombs all ready for you.

ring up your mortgage company NOW and get them to mark your account so that he can't borrow against the house without them contacting you. You really cannot trust him. I know of cases where men have borrowed loans against the house without their partners knowledge.

The bank wont remove your name from an account while it is overdrawn, but they should be able to freeze it.

hi husband just left me after 7 years of marriage all to do with getting a visa to stay in Britain im heart broken

nasreen - How awful! Might be better if you start a thread of your own though?

Finally frozen joint bank account.

At least that's something.

Just can't get the picture of him and the OW out of my head.
Been quite tearful today - keep thinking back to good times and trying to work out when it went wrong. I know I'm twisting myself in knots and I'll never understand what goes on in his head. But after 23 years there's a lot of history.

I've tried to counteract the memories with bad ones but even that doesn't seem to help today. Also keep thinking about our wedding and honeymoon as my anniversary is next week.

How much help and support are you getting in RL whyme? You need to tell people what's going on, people will want to be there for you. This is all still extremely new and you will be reeling for some time. Be kind to yourself xx

I do have friends and family supporting me but I wish my head could support me as well. Ever time I try to think differently the old stuff just keeps coming back.

Plus feeling like the affair was my fault - read other stuff on internet again and now I'm thinking if I'd behaved differently he would still be here. Brain saying this is not true but heart breaking.

The affair was not your fault OP.You need to realise that an affair is embarked on by someone selfishly. It is a choice that the cheating person makes. If the relationship was terrible (and until fairly recently there was no evidence that he thought it was) then he should have left before embarking on such an activity. No doubt he will say you drove him to it, because that`s what people like him usually say, as he cannot accept responsibiltiy (weak bully, remember?). Listen to your brain in this matter and keep angry,as there will be difficult days ahead, but you will get there.

Im pleased for your sake that you have sorted out the bank account because YOU need to take control of YOUR life, especially the financial matters. You will get stronger each time you do something like this, as reality dawns that you dont actually need him in your life. Who would?

As said before the process takes time and has its ups and downs, so expect good and bad days. Its how we heal ourselves emotionally. Youre doing just fine. Well done!

whyme I could have written much of what you have written and probably did. You are still in a state of shock because you did not expect any of this.

You are in a state of shock because the person you thought he was, no longer exists.

You are in a state of shock because your whole life and marriage was turned on its head and everything that you thought was true was denied.

You cherish the memories and torture yourself saying "if only". It is natural to feel like this, to blame yourself.

But please don't... It is not your fault that he had an affair and turned into a selfish twat.

Hugs for you for your anniversary next week. A week today, it should have been my 9th wedding anniversary with my partner of 12 years. Instead I have been almost been divorced for 2 years. I will feel sadness, but not heartbreak any more.

Memories are difficult, even now sometimes for me, but for you, it is too soon to think about what was. you need to concentrate on what is and what will be.

You will get to that point one day, but it will take time. I remember being devastated for a very long time, as I loved my XH so much and couldn't believe that he could do this to me.

Well done on freezing the bank account. Look at all of your other finances and ensure that there is nothing else that is joint that he could run up a debt on, look at all store cards, credit cards etc. Ensure that you have advised the mortgage company that you are separated and no charges can be registered against the house. (sorry, I know I have said that before, but it is vitally important).

Most of all, look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You will have ups and downs, but slowly, it will get easier.

Thanks for the kind words.

Even though I can see he what he was like I still love him and despite what he has done to me I can't turn the feelings off - I wish I could. It's just so hard to see me ever coming out the other side.

My head is just full of 'what if's.

I feel so tired but don't want to go to sleep because I feel worse when I wake up and realise it wasn't a nightmare.

I do know exactly how you feel. you still love that person and still want them back despite everything. You can't turn the feelings off, they just fade with time.

Anybody on my original threads could tell you how bad I was, but 2.5 years on I am doing OK. Life isn't what I wanted or expected it to be, but the days of mourning are gone and the feelings for XH are gone. I had some very difficult times and XH continues to be a knob where DD is concerned, but I am more detached over it all now.

It does take time, how much depends on how well you deal with everything and how strong you are anyway as a person.

You will get there, but you have to allow yourself to do it one step at a time, one day at a time. There is no timescale for grief, wise words that were imparted to me.

I don't feel strong at all. Just beaten down by it all.

He's texted me this morning to ask what's wrong with the joint account but I haven't gone back to him. I'm trying to take control and not jump at everything he says.

I just feel so bad for my girls. My eldest was crying last night and normally October is a fun packed month with birthdays and anniversarys etc and looking forward to our holiday but she's so down.

She also told me that daddy had told her I had stopped him from seeing her again which is not true. How do you try to explain to her that the daddy she trusts completely is manipulating her. Do I make things up, do I tell her the truth?

Got another appointment with the sexual health clinic today as well, because they couldn't do all the tests last time as I was on antibiotics. Dreading it.

Hi there, things still sound really tough, but you're slowly reclaiming your right to make decisions and do things for yourself. He can ring the bank if there's a problem, can't he? I mean that is what a reasonable person would do if there was a problem with the bank.

I think with your eldest you can say that at the moment, a contact schedule is trying to be arranged but it's going to take some time to plan it and agree it. So it's not a case of 'stopping contact' but agreeing with him a way it could work for the best benefit of everyone (including her sister, and you, and her father). That stops it sounding like that this is how it's going to be forever, which she will fear, and keeps her informed without it being overly emotional on your part. Would that help?

I hope all goes well with the SH Clinic, it's a horrible thing to have to do, but essential.

Take care, and remember it's one day at a time. Eventually the days brighten up a bit.

Ha! So now you know that he was trying to make another transaction on the joint a/c. He was trying to screw you over AGAIN!

Thanks WellWhoKnew - that's good advice - I'll try that with my daughter.

Clinic visits now over, hopefully, so just waiting for results. The doctor was very kind especially after I told her my story.

Plus if he was trying to put another transaction through - hope that having his card refused embarrassed him - as it was nothing like the embarrassment I've had to endure because of him.

While playing puzzles with my little one tonight she said 'I miss my daddy but he's not coming back is he'. Set me off again with floods of tears.

If he had any feelings for his children he would never had done any of this.

Hope your appointment went well today OP. It`s going to be hard, but most divorces involving others are acrimonious, and your husband is likely to be particularly aggressive. You have to do what is best for you and your DC and this will not be what is best for him.

Keep on hanging in there. There will be better days.

Just been on Facebook again - I know I should keep away but I'm so tempted.

Her photo is just so smug. I'd like to wipe the smile off her face. It's the same photo that she sent my husband with big eyes and flicking hair. I know it takes two but currently my anger is aimed at her. How could she set her sights on someone that she knows was married with two little girls.

She's a Met police officer as well and she looks more like a slapper to me. She's 36 with a little boy and from East Grinstead. I hope he cheats on her as well. Serves her right. Bitch.

He even sent my divorce papers to her to print off at work (surely abuse of Met resources).

He will indeed have been wonderfully embarrassed if his card was refused. More likely he's just been turned down for a yacht loan! Think about that whyMe ... YOU did that. You are not powerless. A judicial strike is way more effective than a nuclear device. Savour the moment that he won't tell you much about. It's huuuge!

Currently fighting a strong feeling to contact him and tell him what we've been going through but I know he doesn't careless.

Sometimes I go through desperate moments when I just want to know why he did it. But my sensible head says I won't get any answers.

Then I think if I write it all down he'll understand but I know he won't.

I've read and reread 'Runaway Husbands' and he ticks all the boxes.

I feel like I'm in limbo - not really living just surviving minute to minute.

I'm still off sick at the moment so I just clock watch (or go through the mess of paperwork he's left me with) until I go and pick my girls up.

I posted his passport yesterday and he's emailed me with "Where did you post it to and was it recorded? Joint account issues?"

Well I could have posted the passport to the Met and addressed it "Adulterer" but i would suspect that would apply to a lot of police officers." As for the joint account - phone the fucking bank you twat!

He got us into this mess by being a complete prick. He never answered any of my emails then expects me to jump when he sends me something.

whyme it's good to hear you getting angry with him (and done with a touch of humour) I think that's a big step.

He is behaving like a twat - Don't contact him - he cannot begin to understand what you have been through and even if he was capable, he wouldn't want to cos the guilt would weigh far too heavy - and he is working very hard to convince himself that he has nothing to feel guilty about.

It's all so horribly familiar, Whyme, and you're right it's about surviving minute by minute in the early days. That's why it's absolutely fine to cry your heart out, be angry, be despairing, be emotional, etc.

It's not okay to rely on him to explain things to you. Quite frankly, he can't be trusted, but remember he saw fit to leave you with all the responsibility.

Which, subliminary, means he believes you're better than him. And, I don't disagree with him on that matter.

One day, you'll know that you are. Each day as it comes, don't let anyone feel bad about feeling bad, but as each day passes things to get a bit easier. I promise.

Thanks for the support WellWhoKnew.

Nearly got through another day.

Might write a letter to him and not send it - just to let my feelings out.

Dreading next week as it would have been our 14 wedding anniversary. I've got a school open day on the same date so maybe in a bit of a state.

I try to put on a front, or dark glasses but I think they will notice if I wear my shades in the classroom.

Try to be strong but the tears keep creeping up on me today.

Go for it OP. Its a really good idea to write a letter to him saying everything you are thinking, and then not send it. I believe its a technique used by counsellors.

The days will start to fly by and before you know it a year will have passed. You will have changed somewhat by then.

Tears are absolutely fine. [I cried today too - the lovely SHL said to me today that it takes around 18 months to heal completely. I take her as my authority on all matters divorcing....]

You don't need to be strong, you need to just survive right now. Take the pressure off yourself (please). It was around Month 3.5 that I didn't have the overwhelming urge to cry all the time. It just sort of [mostly] stopped of its own accord.

And the biggest surprise about being tearful: people are lovely and genuinely like helping. Anyone with a heart will be kind.

Yes write the letter. Some people say to burn it afterwards. Just don't send it!!

Have you read 'Detach and Survive' yet - I found that book possibly had the most impact on me in the early days.

At the moment i feel like I will be damaged forever.

People are being kind - just not the STBXH. Which is something I'll never understand.

I've read 'Detach and Survive' but just like 'Runaway Husbands' I think I'll read it again.

I strive to find answers in everything I think or read but I know eventually I'll have to let it go or I'll go mad.