Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Could you ask all the companies where he's cancelled and removed all the credit to write letters confirming he has done so? It's family money he's taken, and may be helpful (if the sums combined are large) when set against your eventual settlement.

I think going through phases when things feel desperate are normal. Grieving is normal. The only way out is through, sadly. But you will reach the other side, and on the terms the law and your individual judge determines - NOT your arse of an ex.

Why are these men such shits?

Does the OW egg them on - mine appears to be constantly giving the OW an update.

Well he had made a complete mess of my gas and electric bill and when the person on the other end of the phone was being nice it tipped me over the edge.

How, can I function when a nod, smile or 'i understand' touch gets the rivers flowing again.

Also read few other websites today that try to put the blame back onto the abandoned wife. Didn't feel great after that - all my insecurities and me blaming myself came pouring back in.

I genuinely don't know the answer to that question. We are all just left bewildered and sad, and suffering. And they become indifferent (at best) or hostile (mostly).

However, what I did learn along the way, that when he decided to fuck off, he fucked off. That left me in charge of the sinking ship. I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes I'm amazing, other times not quite. Sometimes I'm dire.

I realise, and you will too at some point, that trying to explain their behaviour is the route to madness.

Looking long and hard at yourself, and appreciating yourself and patting yourself on the back for dealing with things as and when you can, is the route to sanity.

In the interim we are both firmly in the 'mad ex-wives' category. Is that because we are genuinely insane or angry? I'd rather think it's a combination of both. But like all stereotypes, they are just other's perceptions.

And not necessarily the full story.

You can blame me for putting on a couple of stone. For getting wrinkles. For having independent thoughts. For aging. Whatever you can blame me for anything you like for me being in the position I'm in. I can, of course, do the same to you.

I choose not to. I can't see how it would help you. Normal people don't go out of their way to hurt others. They don't need to.

I write that hoping you understand fully that I'm not castigating you for doing what you're doing - after all, I'm not going to make you feel worse, I don't think anyone can, to be fair. And also because I did exactly the same thing, and some days still do. It's part of the process.

My best friend wrote me the most amazing email when I told her the bad news about why I was the woman she most admired in the world: listing all my better qualities, and noted a few of my not so good ones. At the time, all I could think was 'yes, but my husband hates me'.

It is absolutely the worst thing in the world to make your husband central to your beliefs about you.

Because it also confirms the most basic thing: there's nothing wrong with you. If there was, you wouldn't feel this way. You know you didn't deserve this. You know he chose it for you.

And you know he has chosen to do this to make himself feel better.

But really, would you hurt someone to this extreme to make yourself feel better? Really? I know my answer to that.

And that's why I know I didn't and don't deserve this no matter what.

The key to STBXH success over my mind was that he isolated me and made himself the centre of my life. I also let him.

Then he fucked off. He is no longer allowed an opinion round these parts. Despite that, he still imposes one. The he gets told to 'do one'.

I'm doing okay all things considered. So are you.

Take care.

You're right - I do find myself trying to find reasons and it is the route to madness because no sane person would have behaved like he has.

The hurt he has caused me and my girls is beyond pain. Everything he has done is for his benefit. And the speed at which everything has zoomed along has took my breath away. He wants out, he cancels previous life, then sets up new one with OW in background.

Normal people wouldn't hurt others, let alone someone they'd been with for 23 years like this. Like you, I could never hurt someone like this.

I too had made him the centre of my world - Plus I always worried that whatever I did wasn't good enough.

He fucked off and ran for the hills (well East Grinstead) and the arms of some slapper. While his kids cry themselves to sleep.

We are surviving - but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Deep down I know we didn't deserve this and it was their decision but then my mind says 'why did they do it' and I'm on that merry go round again.

So got through another day. Might even start marking the days on the fridge. Bit like being in prison - just that I can't tunnel out.

Big hugs.

Plus - Guess what - I also found out he's put the Golf car loan under my address with payment from our joint account! WTF!

cancel it, if its your account too then you can legally cancel any payment from the account (like he has)

Sounds like you need to shut that joint a/c down? I'm not sure what the Golf is about though seem to recall this was supposed to be your new family car ... whose name is the log book (whatever it's called these days) going in?

If you can't pay for the car then I think the whole deal needs to be cancelled, perhaps? I don't know but this sounds very dodgy to me. He doesn't intend to pay for this car for you, does he? He's happy to put you in a default situation with all the problems that brings ...

Taking a loan out in whose name? His or yours? Your address but not your name ... it's all confused and barely legal I think ...

I might be wrong but this car deal sounds not far short of a fraudulent set up anyhow .... you need to speak asap to your legal folk ...

I think he's have some sort of breakdown - he hasn't thought about anything.

He went out and supposedly bought the golf so that he could take the Audi back. The Golfs not big enough. He traded my Merc in to buy the Audi because he deserved it! Plus my dog will have to be bent double to get her in the boot of a golf.

Everyday I dread the post because there is always something else that he's done.

The loan is in his name, my address, our joint account but with the wrong name and address for his employers. Strange.

Plus if the loan isn't paid for and it defaults it goes against my address.

I'll run it past my solicitor on Monday.

I can assure you on the "breakdown" theory. People in the midst of a breakdown do not get up, go to work, build up new relationships, make financial decisions and carry on without a care in the world.

I know this because I too explored this avenue with STBXH. And I know a lot of doctors as it happens so was able to access a lot of very wise opinion.

What he has is a serious affliction of 1) a huge sense of entitlement, 2) no sense of obligation and 3) righteous indignation.

Which, quite frankly, is your bone fide definition of 'twat'.

Now, you currently are being put through the emotional wringer, left with rising debts you cannot pay, and a huge amount of responsibility (children, credit rating): you have all the right ingredients to have a legitimate breakdown.

Yet, they will be utterly scathing should you succumb to one.

As I say, love, there's no breakdown here. Stop excusing him, and start forgiving yourself.

Because otherwise, you'll be having a true breakdown. And as much as we've all looked at the dark hole of the abyss, so far we've all chosen to walk away from it. That's why we can help.

OP - Did you notify the bank that you had split up?

I used to work in a bank and, although things may have changed now, whenever we were notified of a split between partners of a joint account we would freeze the account so that existing Direct Debits were honored but no extra DD mandates were accepted without the signature of both parties.

The account effectively became one where every payment/withdrawal required both parties signature. Joint Direct Debit commitments would remain in this account but each party was encouraged to set up a sole account for future debts/payments they undertook.

I cant understand why your bank would accept a new DD mandate.

Thanks WellWhoKnew - you're right part of me still wants to think that there is still a reasonable part to him but I should acknowledge that that has gone.

After years of negative thinking about myself it is hard to crack out of it but I suppose you're right -I've managed since he left and I'll have to continue to manage - I do not have a choice. Some days that dark hole is closer than others.

I did inform the bank that he's left but they kept the joint account open as normal. I'll contact them again.

Sounds like fraud to me with the wrong name and address for his employers, and using the joint account knowing both he and you have removed your wages from there.

Tell your solicitor, contact the loan company, and consider reporting him. He is a police officer, and really should know better than to try anything like this.

OP, from what you are saying, you seem like the perfect fit for your husband. You are a giver with low esteem in certain areas, hence your comment about not feeling that things you did werent good enough. He is a taker who feels that he is top dog (in reality he is weak and is fooling himself) and so you are a match because he tells you what needs to be done. He controls you and continues to do so with the joint bank account (you MUST get control of this!). This ability to control seems to bring about a feeling of contempt towards the person being controlled, hence he feels that he can roll you over easily. He really does not care about you and will continue to abuse you until you stand up to him, so start with that bank account. Controllers are always selfish of course (think about it, if you control then you arent taking into account the views of others, hence you are selfish) so what he is doing comes as no surprise to MNers.

You cannot change him, but you can change yourself. It will take a lot of effort and the desire to change. Hes not going to, so you absolutely must. Put yourself (and your DC) first. Hes not coming back, and anyway you are now seeing the true him, a selfish shit. Hes always been like this, you just havent faced up to it, because you have craved a good relationship (so you probably did your very best to make it right, whilst he didn`t!). Why on earth would you want him back? Try and focus on the present and what he is like. Let him go emotionally (love, that is) and keep angry (I know this is keeping you attached in one way). Fight him, because feeling sorry for yourself will not produce the goods.

What I have said above is easier said than done, but we all have the inner strength to do so, it`s a question of contacting it. I had counselling because I hit rock bottom. Counselling helped me realise that I am responsible for my own happiness. Hence if I meet a person who is prepared to give and to truly take my feelings and desires into account, then this is someone I will consider as a possible partner. I have now, after many years, met this person and so can you.

Sorry, I should have added that change is a slow process. Once you start (and you already have!) you will make mistakes and occasionally act like you used to in the past. This is normal, so don`t beat yourself up if you do. Just re-contact the strong person inside. Keep on posting, whatever you feel like. You are doing well.

Can you also contact the car dealership, explain the situation and make sure they cancel and don't let him take delivery of the car?

Didn't your solicitor already say, in writing to him, that you should be keeping the audi for now? You don't want the golf and i think, given the amount of false info on the whole deal, it should be easy enough to cancel. But you have to check with solicitor and freeze that darn bank a/c.

Given that he also sold your merc to get the audi i would have thought you had the greater claim to owning it? But then maybe it's all just in with marital assets now ...

I can't imagine his line manager being impressed with his determination to flout law and reason as he is doing atm.

Having an up and down day today.
Replied to his email re. seeing my girls.
Told him he had to build up visits so starting with two hour slots not 3 weekends on the trot as he had demanded. Solicitor backed me on this and said that if he did not agree or got nasty refer him back to her.

He also sent me another email requesting that I drop his passport round! Probably for his trip to another f planet.

Just checked joint account and now way over overdraft limit. Spoke to bank who said they couldn't freeze the account over the phone I would have to go in the branch. He's made a complete mess of our finances. I can see he's driven his tart all over the place via the visa receipts and paid for the deposit on his rental house etc. He's also paid a large amount to his credit card.

First thing this morning I was missing him but now I hate him more by the minute.

Again how did I get to this...

I so want to tell his bosses at work what he is doing. I would also like to add something to facebook but not sure of legal implications.

you need to get that account frozen asap. you are liable for half of that debt......

Please also ring your mortgage company and ask that they put a stop on the mortgage, so that both signatures are required for any borrowing against the house. I did it when XH left so that it protected the house and nothing could be done without my agreement.

Ensure that you cancel anything jointly held with him, credit cards, store cards. If you have joint clubcards or nectar cards then please get the points transferred into an account in your own name. Minor things, but it doesn't sound like you can trust him at all.

Please don't put anything on facebook. You are just inviting more trouble and hassle from him

Thanks for the advice.
The facebook thing is so tempting as I know his password - so it would look like it came as an announcement from him!

STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!!!!

I beg you: don't do anything that could jeopardise your future.

With my "practical" hat on, if he were to get into trouble at work, and potentially lose his job, career prospects etc, how is he going to pay the maintenance he will be court ordered to pay?

Secondly, if you should go all the way to a full hearing, your conduct will be held up to account, which is why a solicitor should tell you to behave yourself. Of course, they cannot control you - but mine was very firm about not going on Social Media to air the dirty laundry

Oh.

Bollocks.

Anyway, thirdly, anything you do (even if it's not acting out of spite and acting with genuine, and reasonable intentions), will be interpreted by him as acting in spite (trust me on this!) because you are the Evil Queen WhyMe, according to him. So anything you do (including paying the electricity bill) will inflame his sense of righteous indignation - making it harder, not easier to settle out of court and get your finances back under control.

I know, first hand, what it is like having a bank account in the minus figures, it's bloody scary. You need to get him to the negotiating table quickly to get him to face up to his responsibilities. Speak to your solicitor about interim payments (SM) and quickly.

Rant away to us. I promise we'll help.

Sorry to keep harping on about this joint a/c but I'm worried about it. I have a feeling that far from it being a nice "oh you're each liable for half" - the truth of the matter is that you are each liable for the WHOLE amount of debt. You would both be chased for the whole amount ... whoever is easiest to reach would be chased hardest. He's already given false details of address etc ... you are still living there why

You need to freeze that account. Forgive me, but we have been saying this for some time now and meanwhile he keeps racking up debt - and the previous poster is right, you are individually liable for the total sum.

Is the house in his sole name, by any chance? If so, you need to lodge your marital rights against it as spouse or he can sell it from under you and you would have to sue him for your share. Far, far easier to block him from being able to sell at all. It's so easy, and it's free. Call the Land Registry first thing tomorrow - you want a Class F Land Charge, which means he can threaten to sell the house from under you and you can in turn laugh in his face, because guess what? As a married couple, with that Land Charge formally registered no he cannot, any more than you can, without joint agreement or a court order. So he has no power over you that way any longer. You're free of his threats to make you homeless if you don't do what he wants, and free of the risk he'll just do it, anyway.

I would also delay on giving him the passport unless and until you have that Land Charge registered. It's been a long time since I was a law student, but I remember very clearly a man who moved his wife and four kids to a new house, and then when they'd been there a month or so he just never came home one day and she found he had sold the house from under her and run away to Canada with his mistress, taking all the money. And as her name wasn't registered the new owners had perfectly good title, and she had to sue her ex for her share of the house. When he and the money were both in Canada. With no money for lawyers.

You need to take control of your life back from this man. He's your enemy, yet you're leaving things in his hands. Did your solicitor tell you to freeze the joint account, and has she placed a Land Charge against the house in your name? If not, why not?

I'd also complain to the bank that you called and told them you'd split up and neither should be able to take money and they kept letting him. No idea of the legalities of that but I suspect you have a good argument that they should have blocked an overdraft facility at that point at the very least.

This is a good indication he had legal advice before this all kicked off. He had every right to spend your wages if you'd kept paying them in, which was why he withdrew his own and tried to bully you into continuing, and he also clearly knows debts he runs up here can be tied to you. If he were to get a new job overseas and leave with the house proceeds, then the bank could go after you for the debt and legally so.

Please post in legal, asking the position on the bank refusing to freeze the account unless you go in. I can't imagine that is legally correct, but could be wrong.

I'm assuming your solicitor has lodged a Class F Land Charge against the house, so he can't sell it without your consent, either?

Saw a solicitor (at a free drop in centre) this morning and as the house is in joint names he can't sell it without my consent despite his threats.

As for the bank - you're right they are not helping me - I have told them a few times now and he is still allowed to withdraw money. I've got another appointment this afternoon so someone may see sense then.

He started texting me again last night because I forgot to drop his passport off - carried it around in my handbag all day. Well he hadn't said he needed it straight away.

Had another dream about him last night - woke up thinking he would be there - then came crashing down to reality and it took me ages to get moving. Feel like I'm living someone elses life and mine will be back in a minute.

I know everything he's done to me is wrong but sometimes I just need a hug. I know the person I loved is no longer there.