Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

[whyMe2014]

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Perhaps if he doesn't like the words he should desist from personifying them.

Good work with the solicitor.

But please, please stop engaging with him. Tell him all further contact is to be via solicitor. His harassment has necessitated that and he is not to contact you directly again. Then leave it at that. He can't bully if he can't contact you directly.

Can u report the car stolen if he takes it? Can you just be out when he wants to do the exchange? If he can take your no claims without your permission I would be on the phone to insurance co causing merry hell until they gave it straight back! Tell your daughter the truth re his behaviour....as he's obviously starting to fill her head with his rubbish. Better now then later. Child friendly version obviously.

Keep strong OP. You are doing really, really well. Don't let him get his hands on the car. Consider ringing the law if he attempts to. After all, he's a controller and will want his own way.

There are many on MN who are behind you. How are the DC coping?

What a horrible man. Keep posting here and draw close any sources of support whatsoever. I do think that you should consider making a complaint to his superiors in the force.

Got a text from him this morning asking for my solicitors details - well I didn't reply because he got them half an hour later along with the divorce petition.

He spoke to my daughter last night again on the phone and is still twisting everything I say. He almost appears to be using police tactics on me.

My little one is still crying going to school and said again this morning that she misses daddy but by the way he's acting he only misses the car.

Plus I will ring the law if he tries to take it - let him explain to them why he's such a nasty bastard.

The more things he does the more I would like to make a formal complaint about his conduct. I've been told to put me and the children first and if he wants to be a prat and lose his job then it's up to him.

Got to go back to the doctors this afternoon as the stress is making my condition worse.

Hi WhyMe,

It is so hard right now because not only are you having to cope with the emotional fallout of getting divorced, but also try to agree practical arrangements.

And with a man who can only face his own needs.

Now he's got the petition you can apply for SM and for Ancilliary Relief, these force him to the negotiating table (well should) so at this point he's going to make all sorts of threats and allegations to justify his position.

The best thing for you to do is not react as much as you can. Your solicitor's job (and his for that matter) is to try to calm everyone down as quickly as possible in order for sensible negotiations to proceed.

That said you always have to balance your sanity, and safety with his behaviour. Anything you do, including NC, will inflame the other person. It's a really tough time - but rant away here, at the walls, at the cat, whatever but tread very carefully where he's concerned. Don't do anything that will jeopardise your future.

You've got a solicitor now so you don't have to deal with him for a while beyond the most basic things. But he will go apopletic now he's got the divorce petition I'm afraid...remind yourself why you feel the need for a solicitor, and for now it's NC - leave your solicitor to manage him.

And no, keep the car. It's one of those things he can negotiate when he turns up at the negotiating table. Until then, him, like himself, can fuck off = he made the last big decision over your life. So now you both have to live with the consequences. The sooner he faces up to that the better. KOKO

[Hello NSTBXH! Meet MrWhyMeTBXH - you have a lot in common, starting with the fact you're both utter twats].

whyMe - I'm leaving the solid advice up to others here because this is such an emotionally violent situation I'm not sure what to say. You are amazing in the face of this utter onslaught of brutality. How did it get to this? Because he took it there ... stay strong, please!

Nice to know my husband has taken the divorce petition seriously ...his words to his solicitor...lets crack on!!!!!!

I think this has been planned.

So there goes 23 years together and 14 years of marriage to a complete selfish bastard.

He also sent me an email saying he wanted to have the children for three weekends on the trot.

He didn't spend any time with the children before and now he wants them on three weekends. Plus my daughter has clubs on Saturdays and I do not want the children staying overnight with him because of his prostitute history etc.

Any ideas of sorting out access because I think he's only doing this to wind me up.

A solicitor did suggest that he might be able to secure supervised access because of the manipulation of my eldest girl.

The courts usually think it important for both parents to have weekends with DC which is why EOW is a popular compromise. It's difficult but you do need to put your personal feelings aside regarding access as the DC do have a right to see him.

If he has them on a weekend then he should take DD to her clubs or she misses them. Sadly this is the downside of a breakup. My DD often has to miss local events as she's with XH, there's nothing I an do except swap weekends for really important things.

Unless they would be in any danger with him, I don't think a court would stop him seeing them, so you do need to come to some arrangement with him

Just engage with him through solicitor ! Don't respond to him!

You need to ignore him for your sanity and protect yourself from more hurt

Agree you need to go via solicitor only, at least for a while. Protect yourself. This is going to screw you up so much otherwise - he has long years of experience in pressing your buttons. Let the solicitor handle him from now on. Tell him to engage only with her because you will not accept further abuse and harassment, and then stick to it.

Hang on in there OP, it will get better. Dont give in to any of his demands and do ring the police if attempts to take the Audi. He is a bully and is weak. You are proving yourself to be stronger, although accept that at times you wont feel so strong.

We at MN are still with you.

Went to another womens drop in centre today for more advice about the children.

I would appear that I can tell him he can have limited access to start with say 2 to 4 hours on the first few days building up gradually . He can't ask for 3 weekends on the trot and because of how he's conducted himself I could even ask for it to take place in a contact centre. Plus he cannot have them overnight yet. Especially my little one.

Still haven't replied to his request so I'm taking my time thinking about. My solicitors letter did actually ask for his proposals of regular contact so perhaps I'll just wait for him to send something to her.

Been a bit up and down today. It seems to be happening so fast. Sometimes I don't believe it and think he'll come in from work and all will be normal but nothings ever going to be normal again.

My little girl went to sleep tonight stroking my face - I cannot have him hurt her. My eldest is now back in her bedroom but she's not her normal self.

Sometimes my head sends thoughts that try to make sense of it all but I know I'll never get answers.

I know he's a bully and he's going to use the kids against me because he knows it will hurt me. He's not bothered with them he just wants to get at me.

I feel like I'm playing chess blindfolded. Just waiting to guess my next move. He already knows his as he wants out.

Your
Doing well

He can ask for anything he wants.

Don't mean he's gonna get it though. Start with small meetings, like you've been advised and then move up gradually to longer meetings. Remember, he won't like you asserting yourself.

You will though.

Any bullshit that flies your way via text or email gets ignored - eventually they give up.

Take care.

You are doing so, so well. Leave it to your solicitor to handle his crap for now - you're doing all the emotional supporting of the kids, and every scrap of emotional energy he steals from you is also stolen from what you have to give them.

He's being abusive. You have a solicitor to stop him being. And for what it's worth, if he keeps it up and you need a non-molestation order, then you can get legal aid to fund action relating to the children (not the divorce, or property) which he can't get - be interesting to see how long he'd keep this using the kids up if it actually cost him his own money, wouldn't it.

Try not to worry. He can't play chess with you if you refuse to participate. Let your solicitor and the law work this one out.

And a contact centre sounds a great idea to start with, because he won't be able to see you. Won't even be in the same room. So his route to harass you directly via contact is gone. Offer short meetings that build up incrementally once he has established a more consistent pattern, so the children have stability, and what can he argue about? It's so obviously in their interests in this situation.

Feeling even worse today.

Found it really hard to get out of bed this morning - now I'm sitting here with my head thinking all sorts and going from seething anger to tears of despair.

I'm trying to carry on and do all the things I'm supposed to but I know he hasn't a care in the world apart from setting up his new life and destroying ours.

I'm trying to sort out the household bill/insurances etc that he cancelled but every time I contact these people I have to go through the story of 'husband left' etc and feel like a failure. You get the 'oh I'm sorry but he's taken all the credit out of the account and you'll have to pay it up to date anyway'.

I feel like my whole world have shifted and I want to get off.

Hey whyme right now it's one day at a time, and I'm just popping in to say 'well done' for keeping on top of the practical things. We all know how hard that is, and from experience, most people actually will be admiring you for your strength and not looking at you as a failure. It is so easy to give up and runaway.

As HE proves.

In a few month's time, when you are used to handling it all, you'll be dealing with a jealous and angry man who is flummoxed that you've managed to cope without him, and without his say-so. He will be resentful of you for being the person he can never be: independent, confident and in control.

Because, they can't cope with the change. You on the other hand can. (it's just some days, you need a good cry and a lot of anger to get through it).

What I've found is as hard as it is to cope with the endless disasters of him leaving, as I've solved them, my self-confidence has grown. So some days, I don't feel like an abandoned wife, some days I feel like a confident, assertive, independent woman.

He remains an angry, odious little man.

Thanks for the continued support WellWhoKnew.
I know you're still going through it all but you give me inspiration.

I did managed to get the guttering fixed the other day by a lovely man who was more compassionate that my own husband and only charged me £40.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think he will be reasonable but I just know from the quote ' lets crack on' that the man I married is no longer there. Which hurts so much. I know now that he is a angry, controlling bully who has tried to destroy me for whatever reason (both emotionally and financially).

I'd like to think there's a confident, assertive woman in there somewhere but I wish she'd hurry up and help me.

Plus he was short - only 5ft 8in.

WhyMe? She's in there...you just need to let her out!

Being short is not a problem OP, being a controlling bully is! He will have many problems at present, many of which he is likely to be denying as he is in musth (male elephants in season act like this - some call it the fog). There is the problem that the OW may not leave for him, and even if she does it will play on his mind that she might eventually leave him. After all he is a cheater, and many cheaters expect others to ultimately do the same. He is denying by making your behaviour the reason for your relationship failure (he is too weak to accept that he is responsible), and he will also likely be denying that in leaving he will also be hurting his kids. Actually my partner had a severe breakdown some years after leaving me and many years on is apparently wracked with guilt, something that didnt seem to be apparent when experiencing the fog`.

Thats enough of him. As WellWhoKnew states you will eventually recover. I am in my little house, on my own, and loving every minute of life. There have been a few relationships since and these have been rejected because they weren,t good enough. I dont settle for poor/mediocrity, these days. I certainly wouldn`t consider a relationship with someone like my first partner!

Imagine what you might say to another person in this predicament and then say it to yourself. That is your reality, and you will get there as soon as your emotions come into line. Cockwombles - who needs `em?

Keep on posting.

I think she's been down trodden for so long that she believes what he's been saying.

At least my dog is happier now he's gone.

Still going through paperwork - you'd never believe what a mess he's created.

He really is a thick as shit!

I know it sounds awful but it would have been better if he's died - cause I would never have known this evil, twisted bully that he is now. We could have grieved and moved on. Is that a terrible thing to say?

WhyMe We can believe the mess he has created, trust me on this!

Yes to other people being nice and sympathetic - that's the shock! In your head you're this evil queen (as determined by him) so it comes as a surprise when people are nice.

People are nice because they like you. You're not the evil Queen he depicts.

Yes, you have been so down trodden that you believe what he's been saying. You're still believing what he's saying (hypocrite emoticon required here).

Yes, I also agree - it would be so much easier if they had died - we've all said that. The fact that NSTBXH is now defending on a defence that he's got a heart condition from which he is going to drop down dead at any moment in time, just gives me false hope!

At because he hasn't dropped down dead, people (especially ourselves) expect us to just 'get over it'. But it's not that simple as you are realising.

At some point you'll get to the point of 'ODFOD' to him and mean it. In the interim, feel sorry for yourself, have a good cry and be nice to yourself!

You're going to be amazing. Until then, you're going to be feeling pretty crap. Feeling crap is not the same as being crap.

You're coping (you just don't realise that you are!).

Right must dash - have an appointment with a sanity checker and a SHL to get through this afternoon having dealt with endless headaches caused by NSTBXH.

Take care.

I'm so sorry he is acting like a complete arse and that you're feeling down. Its only to be expected with what you're going through.

Please keep posting on here, there are lots of people who are routing for you and will give you lots of advice and support.