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Original poster

Am I being selfish

138 replies

Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 11:35

I need some advise and want to know if I am being unreasonable. So I am a very young grandmother, (DS21) mother to DS 14, I work full time and recently spilt from long term partner, ( another thread running) needless to day I am struggling with money issues, time issues and life in general. I have started dating again which is nice just to have company and keeping me sane if I m honest.

So problem is Grandsons are 1 and 2 and hard work to look after, I have just had a text asking if I could babysit again on Saturday night I have arrangements already made so apologised and said I am busy. Sons girlfriend has just sent me very rude text, saying I am selfish, that going out and getting pissed is more important ( I might have a glass of wine ffs) and know where my priorities lie and she will never ask again.

I have looked after them several times in last couple of weeks, when son had hospital appointments and am happy to have them for a couple of hours but anymore it really stresses me out. An quite frankly do not want to give up me Saturday nights. I have had several very rude text today which are very upsetting my am trying to remain calm. So please tell me what you think am I being selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 11:39

To add I have had to take time off work to look after them which costs me money I cannot afford to loose.

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 04/09/2014 11:41

Does your son know his partner is sending you rude texts? I'd be having a word with him and if he knows, then I'd be refusing to babysitting again until their attitude improves. You are doing them a massive favour ffs and they sound awful and ungrateful.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 04/09/2014 11:41

No not at all. Have a word with your son and say you are available to babysit when it is convenient to you and the children are not your responsibility.
His GF sounds v rude!

Anomaly · 04/09/2014 11:42

No you're not selfish. Your son's girlfriend sounds very rude. I would ignore any rude texts you receive.

poupeedeson · 04/09/2014 11:45

No you're not, she's a knob.

You've done (are still doing!) your child rearing and have a right to your own life. Why do they need you to babysit? To go out themselves or to work? Either way they are expecting you to sacrifice your work, relaxation or social life when they won't do the same. It's nice of a grandparent to help out but it's not an obligation, and they certainly shouldn't help to the detriment of their own happiness.

I'd tell her to piss off.

mistlethrush · 04/09/2014 11:46

Grrr have you not got enough on your plate without DS1's GF sticking her oar in?

Of course you're not being selfish.

DH's mother has just moved back to relatively close with the specific idea that she will spend more time with DS and pick him up from school and do bits of care for him. That doesn't mean we go off the handle if she's unavailable when we need someone - we just get someone else to do it. And, no, you shouldn't be cancelling your existing plans to accommodate that - or your work - and she should not be questioning what you're doing when you're unavailable either.

I've either forgotten or didn't know, was X DS1's father?

BaronessBomburst · 04/09/2014 11:46

Their children are not your responsibility. Why are they both unable to look after them on Saturday night anyway? Please say that they are both working and not that one of them is going out!
And if that is the case, they need to organise their work and jobs so that one parent is always available, just like everyone else. Hmm

Iconfuseus · 04/09/2014 11:47

No. You have no obligation to babysit for her or for anyone.

I wouldn't freak out with her however as you don't want to push your son away.

I second the poster who says you should have a quiet word with your son.

Justrestinginmyaccount · 04/09/2014 11:47

Your life did not stop when you became a grandmother! You are entitled to your own free time, and not obliged to babysit whenever you are called upon to do so!

I am staggered by your sons girlfriends attitude. She sounds an absolute charmer!

If I were you there would be NO more offers to babysit forthcoming until I had received an apology. I would be telling the girlfriend in no uncertain terms that she is exceptionally rude, and that you will not engage in further discussions as to why you should be expected to cancel your plans to babysit for them.

badbaldingballerina123 · 04/09/2014 11:57

I think this is quite shocking really. Your not obliged to babysit whether you've got plans or not. Stamp it out full stop.

Windywinston · 04/09/2014 12:02

Hell no, you are not being selfish! Their children are their responsibility. Of course it's helpful to have family to babysit from time to time (with young children myself, couple time is very important), but it sounds as though you have been helping them on top of everything else you have on (so sorry you have so much on your plate atm).

As you know yourself, when you have young children sometimes it's not possible to go out if you can't find a babysitter, thems the breaks and your DS needs to remind his delightful GF of this. I've had this before where DH and I have been invited to something and haven't been able to arrange babysitters as family are busy, so one or both of us has had to stay home. I can't say I've ever resented either family or DC over it, it's just how life as a parent goes sometimes.

I'd be interested to know if she is usually so rude? Does your DS know that she is being so vile to you. She sounds like a bully.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 12:03

Oh thank you all so much. I am pretty sure my son has no idea she has text me. I have no idea whether it work or pleasure, she does go out alot and leaves DS to look after kids, despite him being very tired after terrible shifts at work. She is a very lazy mother and DS does the lions share, the house is an absolute disgrace but I never make any comment . I am a bit speechless she has sent these texts. I am calming replied saying she is very rude and serious danger of destroying out relationship. What relationship she replied, oh dear silly girl

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 12:10

mistle DS1 is not FW, tough he does often take him fishing as treat.

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mistlethrush · 04/09/2014 12:12

Put it this way Blossom, you could have been one of the few in AIBU to get 100% YANBU in response. Grin

DS1 needs a big hug by the sound of it - you must be proud of how he's coping.

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 12:18

I would speak to your son, and calmly point out that you don't appreciate the texts being sent by his partner. You can also point out that you need to work - you cannot afford to take time off to look after grandchildren, unless they are willing to start paying you a child minders fee? (sarcasm)

This made me laugh:

Sons girlfriend has just sent me very rude text, saying I am selfish, that going out and getting pissed is more important ( I might have a glass of wine ffs) and know where my priorities lie and she will never ask again.

If this was me I would have texted back "That's interesting. So what exactly were your plans for this saturday night after offloading your children (again) onto a grandparent?"

Then again I am generally okay with falling out with people when they are being dicks.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 12:21

I feel so much better knowing it is not me, she really is a horrid little cow if I am honest but have always done my best to be civil for DS sake. He does deserve so much better but loves his boys to bits and is a great dad, do proud of him. He works very hard and when not working looks after the boys, she hates him going fishing the only time he has to himself

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Original poster
Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 12:22

kay ha ha exactly.

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badbaldingballerina123 · 04/09/2014 12:24

I think you need to be clear with them about their expectations. Unless it was an emergency , I wouldn't have taken time off work for a hospital appointment. Why didn't girlfriend take time off from her job ? Many people take their kids with them to appointments , it's perfectly doable.

Meerka · 04/09/2014 12:29

I think here you have to balance your life with your access to the grandchild. At worst, she could cut you out. Then your relationship would depend on your son facilitiating it, and he'd be stuck in the middle with an angry woman at home.

If possible it might be wise to take a step back and not tell her openly that she is very rude. Simply (simply!) keep calm in the face of her provocation and say "i can yes" or "sorry, I can't that night" when she asks you to babysit (if she asks you again).

If it needs saying, ofc you aren't selfish for going out. The children are her and his responsibility, not yours. What you do, you do willingly but you absolutely cannot be taken for granted.

By keeping calm and neutral at least the situation can't be inflamed from your side. If she wants a fight, it'll have to be a one-sided one. If nothing else, that means it's a bit more likely that you can continue to have positive input into your grandchildren's life which, from the sound of it, they might need.

PlumpPartridge · 04/09/2014 12:36

I think Meerka is right. You have to be very careful in your response to this rude woman due to the risk of losing access to your grandchild. That sucks, but unfortunately it seems to be the reality.

Unrealhousewife · 04/09/2014 12:36

Maybe you should take the GCs when he goes fishing so she can't complain about it. She sounds sad and resentful and for that reason I think you have to think about the welfare of the children. If she resents looking after them then there is something quite wrong. If everyone resents looking after them and they are being handed about like unwanted items this will have an impact on them.

Sometimes you have to remind people that it's a privilege to have or look after children, not a burden or a chore. I know the reality is that as an adult you have a right to time on your own but as a parent I don't think you do. I think you then become a family and you become one of many. You make it work so that everyone's happy. Perhaps what she needs is for you to just do no childcare at all. The matter is then between him and her.

I agree with her about fishing though, it's an all day, very long, very exclusive pursuit. He should be out with his family, not staring in the water for hours and hours on his own.

Achooblessyou · 04/09/2014 12:38

She asked you at short notice and you already had plans. She is very rude and selfish. She chose to gave kids she shouldn't expect others to look after them at her every whim.

I would cut off from her emotionally she sounds horrid. If you get angry things could get more nasty and unfortunately she has a lot of power to control your access to gks.

You are not being selfish, stick to your guns and perhaps say you could do it sometimes but need more notice?

Cupcakes123 · 04/09/2014 12:51

Oh wow, she sounds like a knob. You are not being selfish at all Shock

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 12:55

I have remained calm and pointed out that she is being very very rude, I actually wanted to give her a piece of my mind but have. I will nothing more to say to her until I get a full apology.
unreal the fishing thing is only thing my son does on his own about once every other month, she regularly goes out with the girls and leaves him @ home, she has not right to be resentful

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AMessageToYouRudie · 04/09/2014 13:04

You are a lovely person, who clearly loves these children, she is bloody lucky to have you, if she wanted every Saturday night out then she shouldn't have had kids, how bloody rude. You are not selfish but she is, not to mention entitled and egocentric, offer what you want to do, say no when you don't, that is fair enough. She wants to try twins with NO babysitters. You get yourself out and about, sod her!!