Am I being selfish

[Blossomflowers]

I need some advise and want to know if I am being unreasonable. So I am a very young grandmother, (DS21) mother to DS 14, I work full time and recently spilt from long term partner, ( another thread running) needless to day I am struggling with money issues, time issues and life in general. I have started dating again which is nice just to have company and keeping me sane if I m honest.

So problem is Grandsons are 1 and 2 and hard work to look after, I have just had a text asking if I could babysit again on Saturday night I have arrangements already made so apologised and said I am busy. Sons girlfriend has just sent me very rude text, saying I am selfish, that going out and getting pissed is more important ( I might have a glass of wine ffs) and know where my priorities lie and she will never ask again.

I have looked after them several times in last couple of weeks, when son had hospital appointments and am happy to have them for a couple of hours but anymore it really stresses me out. An quite frankly do not want to give up me Saturday nights. I have had several very rude text today which are very upsetting my am trying to remain calm. So please tell me what you think am I being selfish

Has your son still not text you bank op?

Gosh she sounds really horrible :( it sounds like your DS would be better off without her TBH

quite sadly no, but he is easily led she is probably poisoning his mind against with her mum. DS is too good for her but always knew that but would never say out loud. fuzz yep

I think a reminder is in order that you've taken time off work and lost money to help them out and that she is more than she'd ever have done to help you out!

Had she given more notice you might have been able to rearrange but her current attitude means you'll no longer be putting yourself out to help as you have done when you've been able to in the past. As such, in future you'll happily continue to babysit when you can but will no longer even consider rearranging your life to suit them, even if you could.

Oh my god tell her to get to fuck!

You are doing NOTHING wrong at all and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

I hope you enjoy yourself Saturday night, you sound lovely

Can your DD14 not babysit for her?

FWIW she sounds like a nightmare but I think you are doing exactly the right thing refusing to engage.

I do think you should have a chat to your son though.

To be fair I do a lot less for them then her mum but then she has money and time 2 things I am very short on lately. Only last week I looked after them for a few hours, bought a new DVD for the kids, bought stuff from AVon that I did not need so she could her commison, but apparently I do nothing but be selfish and go out on dates and get pissed, if it was not so sad I would laugh. I am not engaging but ranting on here lol

Hope the date went well

Op. My ds had a baby with his gf when they were 18.
I had just got remarried after bringing up my dc alone for years.
I told them very clearly I would not be babysitting much as I had finally found a bit if happiness.
He's five now and I have a3 yr old dd so can do even less. Plus I work part time.
My dil would never behave like this.
I help as much as I can but certainly do not feel obligated.
You dil is just horrible.
I've heard other parents on mn and in rl seemingly rather entitled to childcare from grandparents, she's probably one of them!

YANBU!!!!

She is a rude, selfish cow!

Of course you are entitled to go out and enjoy your own social life - WTF?!

Well sadly still not spoken to DS, I have text and called him as I had missed call from him but he did not pick. In all fairness he is hopeless @ keeping in touch at the best of times. I have realised actually the only time they have contacted me is either to ask for money or baby sitting duty.
tall I actually cancelled the date ironically, he did not deserve to meet me he was being an ass, have enough problems with some man adding to them.

Well hey, best to keep asses to a minimum. Hope you've managed to sort something out

Hi Blossomflowers. I think you're being very reasonable. You have plans for Saturday night, and they sound a lot more fun than babysitting! You are allowed a life of your own! You have already helped out a few times recently. I have a feeling that your son's girlfriend will 'forget' that she said she won't ask again pretty quickly! She does need to learn that you are not always going to drop everything when asked. She's the one being unreasonable. Sometimes ( the horror!) people have plans and they can't change them or don't want to. After all, it's Thursday. If it was important, she's left her run a bit late.

I have realised actually the only time they have contacted me is either to ask for money or baby sitting duty

Sorry to hear that, that must have been a difficult realisation to make

Blossom - :( They are both treating you badly. I know you probably don't want to hear that about your DS, but they are. I would suggest not calling or texting either of them, if she texts with anything other than a genuine apology, just ignore it - likewise if DS texts. Wait until he has the decency to phone his Mum.

I'm kind of with latte. The one giant problem is access to your grandchild. So keeping some contact with your son is probably a good idea.

Once this spat is over and hopefully resolved, is it worth talking to your son and gently saying that you feel he only contacts you when he needs you, it'd be lovely if he contacted you just to chat sometimes? Maybe he doesn't realise he's doing it

Thanks all. I have text DS a couple of times and asked him to call me when he can. No mention of the exchange between me and his GF, maybe he does not know. Feel a bit sad about it all but I am staying strong and will not have anything to do with GF until I get a full apology

Just adding to the chorus of voices saying that you haven't been selfish. If anything, you need to take a step back from the pair of them and be a little more selfish. It's their family, their home and they are responsible for the DCs, the hygiene and their time management. I think saying no to this woman was a very good move as it means you are less likely to be taken for granted.

BTW...why is all this being conducted via text? Does no-one talk to each other?

Thanks cog I am very grateful for all the posts on this, has made me realise I am totally justified we can not be all wrong. Re Text, I have tried to call but never manage to speak to DS, hopefully soon. Though he is absolute rubbish communicator on the phone.

The harsh truth is that your DS is probably much more influenced by his girlfriend than by you. She sounds like a terrible bully and he sounds rather weak. I expect he's under pressure not to be in touch. That said, there's no good reason for him not answering the phone to you. Please don't excuse him as a 'rubbish communicator'... he's a grown man, he has free will, and you deserve some respect.

Leave them be & do your own thing.

You have hit the nail on the head actually cog Well I am going to stop chasing him for now.She is actually quite mean to him verging on cruel actually, but I keep my mouth shut. It does make me sad and yes he is much weaker than her. He is far too good for her but that just makes me sounds like the mad MIL

If she is cruel and bullying towards him, the only thing you can do is support him through that. Expecting apologies or any interaction from her will only make her assert herself even more. I would regularly (once a month or so) try to make contact with him and gcs, for a trip out or a tea, directly with him and include your dcs if that's what they want. Make a date and if possible make it regular. Let him decide whether to bring gf. That way you get the contact without the conflict.

Thanks daughter that does sound like a good idea. I will support DS and would like to see GK but until she apologises I want nothing to do with her. she is totally out of order. Her attitude has been crap for a while but have let things slide but this latest thing one step too far.

Just don't tell DS that you want nothing to do with her, that won't be fair on him as he will feel he has to take sides. Leave it open or you are setting up an endless family feud. If he wants to bring her along you should let him. If she is as bullying as you say, he won't want to bring her.

I would not be able to spend time with someone who has shown so much dis respect and rudeness. When my DS returns my calls I will be telling exactly what has happened. She old enough to have kids then old enough to be treated like an adult, though not not really acting like one right now.