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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish

138 replies

Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 11:35

I need some advise and want to know if I am being unreasonable. So I am a very young grandmother, (DS21) mother to DS 14, I work full time and recently spilt from long term partner, ( another thread running) needless to day I am struggling with money issues, time issues and life in general. I have started dating again which is nice just to have company and keeping me sane if I m honest.

So problem is Grandsons are 1 and 2 and hard work to look after, I have just had a text asking if I could babysit again on Saturday night I have arrangements already made so apologised and said I am busy. Sons girlfriend has just sent me very rude text, saying I am selfish, that going out and getting pissed is more important ( I might have a glass of wine ffs) and know where my priorities lie and she will never ask again.

I have looked after them several times in last couple of weeks, when son had hospital appointments and am happy to have them for a couple of hours but anymore it really stresses me out. An quite frankly do not want to give up me Saturday nights. I have had several very rude text today which are very upsetting my am trying to remain calm. So please tell me what you think am I being selfish

OP posts:
DaughterDilemma · 12/09/2014 13:45

Be prepared for an eternal family feud then, which won't go well for you. If you continue like this she won't want the gks or her bf near you. Sorry to be harsh, but as the more experienced adult you should use better tactics and show a different attitude to hers. Anything else will just set a deep rift and you might lose everyone.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 12/09/2014 13:49

I have taken enough shit from her over the past couple of years and enough is enough. If she chooses to keep GK away from me then so be it. Her head is so far up her ass it is incredible, she does not approve of me and I not going to answer to a snotty 21 year old .My son knows where I am if he needs help.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 12/09/2014 22:22

It's good that you're detaching I think. Ultimately she'll want the time out so I'm sure you'll still get to see the grandchildren. I hope you get to talk to your son - he can't be having an easy time.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 21:32

Well eventually DS returned my calls, sadly demanding to know why I had been rude to his GF, I am astounded and asked him of he had read the actual texts she sent and has accused me of insulting her. quite incredible. Now just a text from me saying "dont think you will ever be involved i my kids lives you evil bitch* Poor DS2 oveheard converstion with DS1 earlier and said he does not feel welcome when he goes to visit ( she is odd)

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 21:34

Now just a text from me saying "dont think you will ever be involved i my kids lives you evil bitch

Do you mean, a text from her or from him? I doubt you texted yourself :)

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 21:41

Sorry from her, DS would never say that. Am very upset, I did reply saying I feel sory for the boys ( I acutally do) and DS knows me where I am if he needs me.

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 21:44

What a horrible young woman (I mention her age because to my mind that indicates the hope that she may grow out of being so horrible). Do you think he knows she spoke to you like that?

Thanks for you

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 21:50

Yes DS knew about Text and accused me of being rude to her, not sure about latest one, this is shocking tbh

OP posts:
PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 21:54

Well that latest one is simply horrible. I'd be quite shaken to receive something like that. I would advise you to keep quiet, although I'd be tempted to say (quietly) that she has also been rude to you and to show him her messages if he starts on it again.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 22:01

plump I am quite shaken, this year has been very tough and not in a good place myself. I have shown her nothing but kindness and never been judgemental even though she treats my son terribly and really not a good mother

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 13/09/2014 22:12

I'm so sorry blossom. She sounds like my ex and my ex ILs. All has to be on their terms and if you say no, even just once, then God help you!!!

I'd keep quiet for now if I was you. They will probably come back to you eventually (when they need something) and they will expect you to be ever so grateful. Tell her to sod off.

As for your DS... I can't believe he has accused you of being rude! Just another reason why it's best to maintain your silence, then they can't twist your words against you. She sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder. You say she resents the DCs and is a bully in order to get her own way... Very narc behaviour IMO.

Thanks
PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 22:16

Oh, Blossom, I am sorry. Some people seem to be incapable of appreciating kindness - they perceive it as their due, or weakness on your part, or something like that. Then if you do anything that they don't percieve as kind TO THEM, they go apeshit. It's because your place in life is to defer to their needs; how dare you have any of your own?

Obviously I am extrapolating wildly and have never met your DS's partner but I would be surprised to be wrong on that.

With any luck your DS will realise eventually that she is a nasty piece of work, but right now while it's all 'hot', as it were, is not the time to defend yourself. Right now he'll be hearing her shout/cry at home and will want to look after her and make you the bad one. Once she settles, though, you might want to open the subject again with him, quietly. Show him you've been misjudged. It may cause him to think twice about her credibility, at least.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 22:24

intheN I was expecting an apology from DS when he called earlier not justificaion of her. Have never experienced anything like this is a family situation it seems rather surreal. She def has issues, I even DS2 said tonight he things she is odd. I put the phone down on DS1 earlier as I did not want to say something that I would really regret.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 13/09/2014 22:26

Oh dear - what an awful situation.

If I was you I would back off for now. It sounds like whatever you say/do is going to add fuel to the fire.

Sadly I think you need to let your son come to his own realisation about his partner.

I wouldn't respond any further to her texts - you need to remember that indifference can be a powerful thing.

I'd also try and find a way to meet up with your son alone and simply say "I love you, I love the kids, but it's not reasonable to expect me to put up with texts like this. So please remember I'm here for you as best as I can be, whilst being a single mum to your younger sibling. I want be be part of your children's lives, but I am not in a position, practically or financially to be available 24/7 at the drop of a hat. Equally I won't be responding to texts/calls from your partner until she changes her attitude. In the meantime please contact me yourself if you need my help."

I doubt the above will change much and he will likely defend his partner - so why do it? Simply because you have tried and can emotionally at least be secure in the knowledge that there is not more you could have done. Thanks

PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 22:32

One option might be to ask him to meet you somewhere, then for you to hand over a printed version of your text exchanges with his partner. As in, give your statements and her replies. I'd hand it over saying 'Please just have a look at this. I love you and the kids very much but I find this very hard to deal with' and then leave.

I say this because he will probably defend her if you say anything face to face. Print is different though, it allows him to process the information and the uncomfortable implication that his partner is a bitch in his own time.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 22:41

It gets worse a now getting text from her mother saying what wonderful parents thay are. Some how I do not think she s being told the whole story, I feel like I am being attacked now.

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 13/09/2014 22:47

Is her mother having a pop at you re the babysitting? If not, just say 'yes, they are wonderful parents. As a parent myself, I understand the need for a break. I always make my plans well in advance as not to be disappointed.' Hint hint...they should do the fucking same, and no I'll not cancel my pre-arranged night out, as I have little time to myself as it is. They should give more warning next time.

If her mum is being as foul as she is, ignore her.

crazylady321 · 13/09/2014 22:51

For what its worth I think she sounds horrible, she wants to be greatful shes got someone who will look after her dc every now and then. My mum refuses point blank to do any baby sitting duties unless for appointments etc

I have no advice but by sounds of it theyll be back intouch when they want something Flowers

PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 22:52

I'd text back 'I understand that you are upset, but I do not want to receive texts from you on this matter. Please do not contact me again.'

Or something to that effect. Don't engage.

PlumpPartridge · 13/09/2014 22:54

That was to her mother, obv.

And maybe an addendum of 'I will ignore any further texts from you or any other member of your family regarding this matter.'

Hardcore, me. I did follow a similar line when my MIL went batshit and got aggressive and now we're all pretending nothing happened, so it does sort of work.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 13/09/2014 23:03

intheN she sees things very differently to me does not work, financially secure and loves being a grandmother, her choice, my life is whole lot different. I am a single parent, struggling an on verge of ruin. When speaking with DS earlier I was harsh and said the are his children and his responsibilty not mine, he was screaming ay me saying how bad things were but I pointed out his choice, I can not hlp atm

OP posts:
DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 01:03

What did he mean by how bad things were? What else is going on?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/09/2014 12:03

daughter I presume he means money mainly but alot is their own making, think new dog (Staffie another thread on its own) lots of exotic pets and a brand new large tellie was bought a few weeks ago but they want to borrow money from me, money I do not have. Saying no did not go down too well

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 14/09/2014 13:08

I'd be tempted to forward her mum every text you've had off her and ask her how she'd feel if your son had sent them to her..

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 14:11

Yes I think it would be sensible to print these texts out for people to see.