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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish

138 replies

Blossomflowers · 04/09/2014 11:35

I need some advise and want to know if I am being unreasonable. So I am a very young grandmother, (DS21) mother to DS 14, I work full time and recently spilt from long term partner, ( another thread running) needless to day I am struggling with money issues, time issues and life in general. I have started dating again which is nice just to have company and keeping me sane if I m honest.

So problem is Grandsons are 1 and 2 and hard work to look after, I have just had a text asking if I could babysit again on Saturday night I have arrangements already made so apologised and said I am busy. Sons girlfriend has just sent me very rude text, saying I am selfish, that going out and getting pissed is more important ( I might have a glass of wine ffs) and know where my priorities lie and she will never ask again.

I have looked after them several times in last couple of weeks, when son had hospital appointments and am happy to have them for a couple of hours but anymore it really stresses me out. An quite frankly do not want to give up me Saturday nights. I have had several very rude text today which are very upsetting my am trying to remain calm. So please tell me what you think am I being selfish

OP posts:
DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 14:13

Are they his or her pets?

Holdthepage · 14/09/2014 14:48

If her DM is financially secure then they know where to go to borrow money don't they. Silence is your best tactic here OP, don't let their goading draw you into any arguments that will then be used to discredit you.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 14/09/2014 22:30

Thanks all for your posts, it reassures me I am not the mad one, have spoken to couple of people in RL and they echo what you all say. I am very upset think I have lost my son now.
DS2 has now had text from DS GFsaying he is welcome to see them any time and inviting him to her birthday dinner, he is 14 as does not want to be dragged into this. She is a prat.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 14/09/2014 23:22

You're not the mad one. I doubt that you've 'lost' DS1 in the long term.... DiL sounds like a complete

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 09:42

daughter sorry missed your questions, pets are both but recent Staffie is hers, totally irresponsible with 2 small kids, is a rescue dog and very needy

OP posts:
DaughterDilemma · 15/09/2014 10:00

If they are putting their pets before their children it is a big problem.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 10:02

I agree, but I have never critisied or mentioned it, other than when I have babysat I asked for the dog to be put in the pen as I am not comfortable or trust it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/09/2014 10:24

Hi Blossom,
It sounds like your son's girlfriend is abusive. If this is how she treats you I can only imagine how she must treat your son and grandchildren. The problem is 100% her not you. I would advise you to ignore the messages from her and her mother, it sounds like you have nothing to gain from engaging in conversation with these people, and even if you did, text message is NOT the way to do it!
As for what you do about your son, it's a difficult one because his girlfriend is obviously manipulating him but he is an adult and he has chosen to let her treat him that way. I'm guessing he's not very good at sticking up for himself, let alone you. So again try not to take it personally, it's not about you.
I suggest you leave it for a day or two and maybe try and meet your son face to face to talk things over. If I were you I would approach it by asking if he's ok and if everything is ok between them. Say that you're happy to help when you can but you can't always be available as you have your life too. I don't think you should print out the text messages, but maybe you could show them to him on your phone. I don't think he will believe you otherwise (his girlfriend will have lied to you about it). Maybe if you're available you could look after your grandchildren when your son goes fishing. But don't give them money or let them take advantage of you by cancelling your plans to babysit for them. It's a good idea to stand back and set some boundaries. Of course you love your son and grandchildren and want to have a relationship with them, but I think you need to drawn the line at abusive behaviour from his girlfriend. If you do that, at least you're setting an example to him that it's not acceptable. If she is abusive to him he probably finds it hard to see what is and isn't reasonable. (Like you when you were asking if you were selfish, which you're not at all!)

NameChange30 · 15/09/2014 10:26

PS meant to say "his GF will have lied to him about it" (not you!)

Abilly72 · 15/09/2014 10:28

Difficult as I am sure you do not want to lose contact with the grandchildren........however,DS and his g/f need to understand that you do have the right to your own life and not to be at their beck and call...its called respect.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 10:34

anothere thanks for your insightful post, sadly DS does not stick up for himself she is extremely manipulative. Don't think seeing GK is an option now as in her words I am an "evil bitch who will never be part of their lives". As hard as it is I am not going to respond to either her or her mothers texts, as for my son he will not be allowed to see me hopefully one day he will see the light. I will keep the text and show him if I can get the chance.

OP posts:
DaughterDilemma · 15/09/2014 10:44

Remember children aren't possessions to be owned and her keeping them from important relatives out of spite is neglectful of their needs. Your son has as much right to decide whether you see your gks as you do.

Try not to think of this as the end, just a reshuffle. You will see the gks again, something will change whether it comes from your son or the gks themselves in later years. In the meantime keep your dignity.

My guess is that SS will be along eventually from what you say about their domestic life.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 10:46

abilly as my last post sadly she will no longer let me see them and DS does not drive so will not be able to bring them over, even if he was strong enough to stand up to her

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 10:58

daughter Of course you are right but right now there is very little I can do.
I did have a wry smiles yesterday when here mother was waxing about what a wonderful mother she is, umm house is a a tip, she will never change a nappy, older one still on bottles ( 2 years 8 months) Surely not right but I have forgotten whats what, feeds them total rubbish. I have no doubt that she loves them but is incredibly lazy and it is kids looking after kids.
But yes I will remain dignified and ignore the name calling.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/09/2014 12:38

I am sad this deteriorated but do not give up hope.

Fruitloop or not, your son's DP is determined to make a drama so tread cautiously. DS2 is old enough to decide for himself if he keeps in touch (and doesn't have a bank account for them to tap into).

Cynic as I am, it is likely a new crisis sees her or your DS swiftly contact you for assistance eventually. I agree don't bother entering into an exchange with the gf's DM. Whilst most grandparents are reasonable and happy to share their GDCs, there's sometimes a bit of schadenfreude when one grandparent suddenly gets to be top dog.

You mentioned that DS1 was having hospital appointments so if he's normally inclined to let her rule the roost, perhaps at present he is even less likely to challenge her. Give him time.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 13:05

Obviuosly have been going over this in my mind, she really believes we as GP's should be obligated to babysit that is clear from her mothers text, DS is not brain washed. It is her rudeness that has taken my breathe away and the fact her mother thinks it is ok.donkey you may be right about crisis but as far as I am concerned until I get an apology we can not begin to rty and mend things

OP posts:
DaughterDilemma · 15/09/2014 13:30

Of course you could help out, go round there, tidy up, take the dog for walks, play with the gks, but they wouldn't learn anything from it. I say they, not she deliberately as it is both their calls to sort this out. She is clearly not coping and he clearly is not able to step up. Having grandparents doing all the work might help in the short term but won't do anything in the long term at all.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/09/2014 13:47

daughter She gets a lot of help from her mother, she does her washing and drying, of then around there cleaning, Whenever I have visited I tend to do bit, also bring food, baby milk, nappies, I get especially annoyed (never shown it though) when she DS had nothing to eat after a long shift, and not able to an get something as he has the boys to look after and no car. Still she struggles, I think she gets far more help than most tbh and should think he self lucky.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 15/09/2014 16:00

The thing is even if you and her mother were there every day cooking, cleaning, looking after the dc and babysitting whenever she asked it still wouldn't be enough.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/09/2014 17:27

DS probably believes if you would just let her throw her weight around then everything would be peachy. She's doing a number on him and for some reason he doesn't see it as manipulation.

Keep your relationship with DS1 as good as it can possibly be so that he knows he can always come to you if he needs to. But let the dust settle. I suspect she has worked herself up into a martyred state and is expecting you to appease her.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 16/09/2014 09:23

donkey oh yes I think she sure has. I will make no further contact, my last text I told DS he knows where I am if he needs me. DS2 asked to see the text she sent, he is appalled and want nothing more to do with her, he just cannot believe hoe rude she has been, hope he manages some how to see his brother though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossomflowers · 23/09/2014 09:28

So a bit of an update, please give me your thoughts. So have maintained dignity have not lowered my self to son GF' level in name calling. So DS 14 is getting texts from DS1 girlfriend and her mother inviting him to her birthday dinner and basically he does not want to go, wants to see his brother but not her. So I said I would deal with it and texted DS1 to say thank you for the invite but he will not be coming and again reiterating that DS2 would like to see him. Now DS2 has received a long text from her saying basically she knows it is me stopping him going and offering him pick him up from school, she is so out of order, I am fuming.

OP posts:
DreamingDiva34 · 23/09/2014 09:35

Not sure others will agree but the best tool my mum ever gave me was a voice and at 14 when I decided I no longer wanted to see my bio father she said Yep that's fine as long as it's what you want...but you will need to tell him as he won't believe me if I say it. She was with me when I told him on the phone and took over when he started getting verbal but she empowered me to tell him (and the reasons why). In this instance I think it would be find for your 14 year old to send a text back (if they so wish) saying 'mum isn't stopping me I don't want to see you but I would like to see my brother'. Just prep him as his brother may side with her anyway.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 23/09/2014 09:40

Thank you dreaming yes I agree with that, not had chance yet as only sent first thing and he is now in school. I kind of wonder what sort of person would think a child would be happy to keep up good terms with someone who thinks that their mother is an evil bitch simply because she not want to baby sit her kids. So weird

OP posts:
Dowser · 23/09/2014 10:20

Sometimes doing nothing can be very powerful.