Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

Just an impression Billy, but it sounds like he is used to getting his own way. Are you apprehensive about what might happen if he does not get his way?
You mentioned up thread that he has a black belt in judo-does this fact intimidate you? Is he an instructor...And is Miss Perky Tits one of his students? The reason I ask is that one of the foundational principals of (I will make a grand sweeping generalization and say) all martial arts is self-control. Well, he is a hypocrite. If folks at the dojo/donating know, I can assure you that many have lost respect for him (even if publicly they won't dare admit it).

It is ok for you to lose respect for him too. He used up your respect, and there comes a time when it is no longer a renewable resource. Imho, this is another aspect that takes time to discover/think/process/resolve.

There is nothing at all respectable in the way he is treating you. Shame on him, not you for not putting up with it.

He is used to getting his own way. Yes I know its easier to let him think he's doing what he wants as he hates being told what to do and never listens to anyone anyway. She is a work colleague although they no longer work together (by chance not by design) but still could meet up very easily as both offices are close by. 5 min walk. Handy.

Two families on smaller wage would be hard. He needs to work that one out for himself. I can't see any new girlfriend warming to that idea - less income, surplus children always rocking up, spare bedrooms ready for them (not ready for her family / friends as will be fully of kids stuff). Maybe I'll be unlucky and she'll LOVE family life...?! Thats my fear.

I do still hope it will blow over. I've heard of lots of marriages surviving long affairs. Not sure how genuinely happy people are but they are still together rightly or wrongly.

Today it's all too much so I'm just pottering quietly at home. I should be doing more useful things but it's just "doing the basics" today.

Even if is does blow over, life has changed forever. He'll only do it again - after all, he is getting away with it at the moment.

You don't need lecturing today, I am in no doubt that you understand exactly where you are in this relationship but it is OK for it to take time to catch up with him and his demands. You will, and your anger will surface which will give you the strength to regain some dignity from this situation.

I don't know if you have any daughters, but if you do - would you like to think they were putting up with a man like that? You are worth so much more than a middle-aged loser who thinks he can have his cake and eat it.

His words are a bluff. He wouldn't cope for a day with his DCs and I'm sure Ms Perky Tits hadn't factored in there being a housekeeping/parenting role when she caught his eye. For all you know, she might baulk at the idea of him changing job and earning less so he can do more childcare. I don't think that will have been in their plan.

Whatever happens, get legal advice and give yourself and your DCs the key to unlocking a better future.

I know you are in a bad frame of mind today- but really and truly, the advice you were given a week or so ago was spot on.

I know you haven't moved out of the marital bed otherwise you'd have told us. Please do start living as if you are going to separate. This man is making a fool out of you and you deserve better.

I echo the PP.
What would you advise your DD if she was with a man like this?
Who was still out and about screwing around instead of home trying to do all he can to repair the marriage he broke?
I know what I'd make sure my DD would do and I hope you would do the same.
Sooo.... do it for you!
You really are worth soooooo much more than this.

I know life has changed forever. That saddens me beyond belief.

Wierdly she seems to "understand", or so he says, his need to see his children. I guess she's acting all accommodating right now to "keep him". If he were to be truly free what would the reaction be then as the time consuming stressful reality of divorce kicks in? Utter continued support and he's about to be hers alone????

Maybe she enjoys the thrill of him being unavailable and enjoys the thrill of knowing there's a distraught wife (who of course he's led a separate life from for years - he's just there for the children - or whatever rubbish he's spun her) left at home. I just can't understand what possesses some-one to enter an affair with a married man with a family. I guess she's holding out for him to leave and be with her full-time? What a man full of baggage, limited money, demands on his time, children appearing all the time and a relationship started amongst utter dishonesty. I'm amazed. Maybe it will be a dream partnership. Lucky him.

Apparently she's very understanding when he cries about the mess he's in....?!?!??

I'm sorry you're going through this absolute horror. The shock must be immense.

It's clear from your posts that your great fear is the children. I commiserate - I also found every-other-weekend hard to take, and it never eased. I know that may not be what you want to hear, but let's get real here.

I do think that if you spoke to a lawyer - first half hour free (and they get through a LOT in half an hour, basically summarise the case and tell you there and then where the law stands) - it would allay huge swathes of your fears - and debunk a LOT of what he is saying and threatening. He has boxed you into a corner with his threats, talking to a lawyer really will open up your options exponentially. His threats are meant to make you feel powerless and afraid, you need to know his threats are largely hot air. Really, they are.

Re the 50:50 childcare: please collect evidence that historically he does not involve himself in the nuts and bolts of childcare. A written statement to that effect, with examples, would suffice,and a diary of future bbehaviour (dated) is powerful evidence should you find yourself fighting a claim for 50:50. Though I'm with other posters in this, I really, really don't think he will want 50:50 childcare. He is simply using the threat of it to frighten and silence you.

He is a nasty piece of work but if there's anything you can leap for joy about it's that he is an employee and his income is in black and white. He will have to comply by the law if you split - and it will be very, very expensive for him. He won't be able to get out of it (though I expect he will try). You will in all probability be given the house to live in until the youngest child completes secondary education at 18. This is standard procedure. The law us heavily weighted on your side. He thinks he has all the power but the reality is that you do.

So, a trip to a lawyer - even if you don't wish to proceed, just to give you the facts - will empower you, silencing a lot, if not all, your fears. You won't feel so much on the back foot.

so what's the current situation ?

Last week he had plans to be with her. You told us that he wanted to start a new life with her.

What's going on now? Are you simply tolerating his affair and hoping she will get tired of waiting?

It does sound as if he wants to have his cake and eat it- and have the luxury of moving on when HE is ready.

Have you not considered giving him an ultimatum- move out or end the affair?

He claims he will get a less demanding job (less money as well)

Well, he'd better get his CV dusted off and sorted out then and have that in place ready for when you get to final hearing. He needs to be making those adjustments long before you get to the settlement stage.

You can't stop him doing that, of course, but until he does it - there's little point in entertaining that threat.

Maybe I'll be unlucky and she'll LOVE family life...?! Thats my fear.

Well then she can have her own children, can't she? Your kids aren't to be used to 'try out' family life. Your children are people in their own right, not a social experiment. The children's needs come first, second and third in divorce. Their welfare is paramount. There's nothing you've written so far that makes anyone believe your children will be better off brought up by a woman with the values of a thief.

He is used to getting his own way...he hates being told what to do

Then "his decision to divorce devastates you, and relieves him but the act of divorce will devastate him and relieve you".

He'd better start getting used to the idea. Divorce sucks for everyone. He's going to have to get used to the laws, common sense, and the fact that you're on your own now - so you get to have your own point of view, make your own decisions and have your own independent thoughts. If yours is anything like mine, you getting on with your own life (fake it til you make it), will send him apoplectic with rage.

Good!

My attitude is: Any suffering that he is feeling, he has inflicted on himself. He sacked me. I find it nice to know that he's having a difficult time too, and besides, I'm too busy dealing with the consequences of his decision to worry about his issues on top of mine. His choice means just that: his responsibility.

I know just how dreadful you are feeling. One day at a time is the order of the day. I didn't stop yearning for him to 'see sense' for three months, just so you know. However, I'm a staunch believer of the "No-Contact" approach: the less I know about him, the easier it is to not care. I also recognise that my "He can just fuck off" attitude means that sometimes, my STBXH has escalated his awful behaviour in trying to provoke me in to a reaction. BUT I'm in month 4 now, and truly learning to just not care. I still have some very, very sad days - but I'm fighting for my future now: not his, not ours.

It also helps that first hand, having been to court once already (for periodical payments), I can say that all his threats, his 'acts of generosity' and all his directives "You must move out of your home into a caravan" have been total bluster, base-less, and completely unforthcoming.

So far the only thing he got that he's wanted is the decision to divorce. It's gone rapidly down hill for him since...

As I say: Good.

I found "Detach and Survive" and "Runaway Husbands" two very useful reads. Also "Family Law Made Simple" to explain what happens in the divorce process.

And as for your last post about what he says: he will say anything to maximise your hurt, make you responsible for his actions, blame you for the sky being blue and the cowpat in the field.

If he was the epitome of truth: him having affair wouldn't have been such a dirty little secret for so long.

I think you can safely believe that anything he says is bullshit.

Please seek legal advice, him not moving out is not respecting your feelings and understanding
How he has hurt you. You need time to take everything in without him being there and pretending nothings happened.

Hi WellWhoKnew - great advice and very pleased you are getting on with you new life. You made me smile with some of your comments - in a good way! You are right - his choice - his responsibility. You made some great comments about him wanting you to get divorced but the reality of it isn't so rosy for him.

My H is hedging his bets that is true.

Springydaffs - the every other weekend thing utterly appals me. He barely does anything alone with him. Max 4 or 5 days alone with them since they were born. I support his every child-rearing experience!!! I adore their company, look forward to seeing them at the end of the day etc. What time do yours go to and from on the weekend? I hear it can be from Friday school pick up (late club) - Monday school drop off (early breakfast club) plus every wednesday overnight stay. Mine would be with an au pair if he's busy with work apparently ??!?!??!!?!?

I have similar thoughts to pinkfrocks What's the situation at home? Are you still doing his laundry and buying food in for him?

Hi pinfrocks and Vivacia - currently he wants us to "stay together, be a family" and see how we go. Our marriage is up in the air.

My hunch is, he's still seeing her. Biding my time. Still doing laundry etc. as he's still paying bills and being here every night... so we are tentatively seeing how this pans out. There would be nothing to be gained by shouting and yelling at this point.

I did tell him to end the affair, he agreed, but I can't actually make this happen or enforce it long term as he has to go to work and has a phone / email like every other man and woman in the world. He can easily deceive me again, I know that.

It's not easy!!!

Look love, you are being taken for a fool.
You aren't one- so why let him treat you as if you are?

He is still seeing her- you think.
Of course he is, because unless he has told you otherwise, then he is.
And of course he wants you to stay together- because he doesn't want the financial and practical consequences of a divorce.

It's called having your cake and eating it.

The way this will 'pan out' is that you will carry on being in some kind of denial and wearing your rosy coloured specs, and he will carry on shagging his mistress.

The way he behaved when you mentioned splitting up proved what a nasty person he is. How can you even consider giving him a chance, sleeping with him ( assume you are) and doing his laundry?

In return for what- a roof over your head?

I'm sorry- you asked for advice, you had great advice here but you don't want seem to want to act on any of it.

At the very least this shit of man ought to be begging for forgiveness, agreeing to counselling and kissing your feet every bloody day and begging you not to divorce him.

Is he?

Please stop doing his bloody laundry. Ffs!!!!

Sorry but you MUST wake up and see this for what it is- you need to protect yourself.

Sorry for being harsh but PlEASE try to face reality, however painful it is.

They're absolutely right OP

He should be moving heaven and earth to regain your trust and save his marriage, not "seeing how things work out".

Washing his dirty underpants should not be necessary in order for him to meet his financial obligations. Refusing to behave like a wife when he's not behaving like a husband should not lead to a shouting match.

I feel so sorry for you, imagining what conversations they must be having about you.

Do you think the fact he sleeps at home each night proves the affair is over?
There are hotels and cars- where people can have sex during the day or after work.

But you need a bloody lot more reassurance that it's over from him apart from a 'let's see how it goes'.

Why are you allowing this?

Where is your self worth?

Sorry to be so harsh but after pages and pages of excellent advice you seem unable to see him for what he is- and think that his paying the bills is some kind of recompense for the affair.

Currently he won't do anymore and I'm (relatively) happy waiting a while, biding my time, gathering strength and evidence. I can't do anything else. He won't leave even to let me "get my head clear".
A roof over my head and seeing my children every single day means more to me, than worrying about him day and night. I now know what he's capable of, I know how he can treat me.
I'm not happy but the alternative isn't appealing at all - ie sharing the children.

Do you want some time to clear your head? Time and space would be very important to me. If he refuses to leave, then next weekend (or similar) I'd have my bags packed and be spending a couple of nights away.

Not seeing your children every day is going to happen at some point and separation does not mean losing a home.

I'm sorry that you feel you have so few options, but understand that you have to go at your own speed.

Does biding your time include seeing a lawyer this week?

Hi V - I've taken lots of steps last week and the overall consensus is - hang in there! Each situation is different.

My children are still too young, IMO, to be shuffled around and I don't want that either for them (or me!)

I am being pro-active, strong (at times) and he won't be "getting away with this" I can assure you.

Can you say what you have done that is pro active?

Your children are young, yes. They are also witnessing their father treating their mother appallingly.

I don't know who is telling you to 'sit it out' but that's not good advice, IMO.

You seem to think that maintaining the status quo ( and possibly using your children as a reason , when it's you that is terrified of change) is the only option no matter what the cost.

What you are effectively saying is that he can carry on his affair because you aren't willing to have shared access to your children, or possibly move house.

You've a funny set of values.

I would have thought that the children spending every other weekend with their father was a small price to pay for being shot of this man. But I guess you've believed his threats of 50:50 which are actually completely impracticable given his job. And no of course he won't pack his job in to earn less money.

He's threatened you to get you back under control and you've capitulated fully believing him. Now he knows for sure he can do whatever the hell he likes and use you to wipe his feet on at the end of it.

He is getting away with OP, don't kid yourself.

He sounds awful. Fwiw, the sooner you do leave the better for your children. He is messed up and everything coming out of his mouth is his stuff, not yours.

Still doing laundry etc. as he's still paying bills and being here every night...

Ffs op! This isn't the 1950s. The law has changed behind recognition, you and the children have extensive rights - that trump his money/entitlement/bullying/cruelty by a mile.

Have you seen a lawyer - if not, why not. Genuine q: what is your reason for not getting legal advice when he is threatening you legally?