Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

Billy use this thread as you need to.

It doesn't matter if everyone is saying LTB and you aren't ready too. MN is here to listen and advise, and probably shout a bit while you work it all out. Some posters might get frustrated to read about your ongoing situation, but really that isn't important.

People advising you to do XYZ, while that might be good advice it doesn't mean that you are in that place in your head yet to act on it.

But hopefully this thread will help you will be start to see your situation differently and things will start to change for you. You will begin to realise as others have said, that you are in a position of power, albeit in a shitty situation you would rather not be in.

Use us to get to the best place you can - it does sound to me like you are getting there little by little.

Your thread, your life, your pace. We are here to support you.

Glad your RL friend has been supportive. No need to dash back here to update, we know that you are in the thick of it.

Hi Billy,

Sorry to be urging you to do things that you're not ready for. I don't want you to feel that you are not measuring up - that would definitely go against all the supportive urges that we all most definitely have. I'm going to tone down my thoughts as I think the barrage of opinions - the gist of which I totally support - is just too overwhelming for you at the moment.

My only advice is to take comfort from the fact that you told your RL friend and perhaps work towards telling as many supportive people as possible. Do you have supportive family, other close friends? Do you know of anyone else who has gone through similar in your circle of friends? I found it really wonderful to be able to talk to people who had gone through it and got out the other side intact.

Keep going. I know you may feel broken. You are definitely not broken. And you will get stronger as you gather RL support. My friends have kept me sane and helped me immeasurably.

Hi I do have great friends, local and afar, family who are local and I have already told a few trusted ones already. Yesterday I told my oldest schoolfriend who lives close by. They are all with me 100%.

I'm getting there in my own time. Not defeated, but feeling utterly exhausted today with it all. I will be ok again I'm sure but right now I can't quite see how.

one step at a time Billy

Hi billy

I agree that you should take as long as you need to decide on the action to take.

I understand much of your feeling at the moment. You're trying your best to hold the family together. The only way to do this is if you accept your husband has done what he's done and forgive him.

You will probably survive a few more years like this. But in my experience the only person that will suffer is you. It will eat you up inside, it does, you try not to let it but it really does.

If you decide not to accept it to u will feel as though YOU'RE the one breaking up the family because you will be the one deciding to end it.

Whatever you decide remember that HE is the one who has fucked up not you. You have done nothing wrong.

If you do decide to separate, you will both still have a great relationship with your children just in different settings. When they are grown up they will respect you more for separating than for staying together 'for them'.

It took me a while to realise but parental separation does actually teach children an important lesson which is that they don't have to stay together with someone who makes them desperately unhappy. They will learn and one day, if they're sadly in a similar position, they will take their lead from you as well.

I wish you all the luck in the world. It's a horrible thing to go through but be a bit selfish and think of yourself first. You deserve so much more.

Just letting you know that all your kind advice last week has led me to feeling much calmer and starting to regain some control in this awful situation and next week is a new week to see how best to move my (and my childrens') lives forward. Money will be a critical element going forward as me being a mostly SAHM will make him think I'm not entitled to anything, whatever the law says. Even the house contents he thinks are "his" but the children and I will need at least one sofa and a bed each (!) It's a long road ahead for me.

He is not above the law, you'll need the/a house

He's going to be sadly disappointed then when he speaks to a solicitor.

I'm really glad you're feeling calmer, don't feel obliged to post here, but equally feel free to do so whenever you need to.

I agree that he is going to be disillusioned of his notions when it comes to the crunch.
He's such a dick.

In divorce, there is only 'ours'. And 'ours' includes the kids - it's their sofa too.

When he gets a solicitor, all can be explained to him. If he decides to not get one, and be a dick, then so be it. But it won't affect the outcome.

Alternatively buy him "Family Law Made Simple" by Gordon and Slater - as an early Christmas present. It explains it all rather well!

I didn't find MN until six months after XH left

Overall I think it was a good thing because something that seems to be lacking in people's posts is an understanding of real time unfolding.

I see a lot of similarities in the ending of my marriage although he did promise to do the right thing financially so I really feel for you having that to deal with too. In short we had three months of living under the same roof before he left and I knew he was setting the agendas but I was using all my energy being normal for the DC , accepting my marriage was over , wondering what would happen etc .

I feel certain if I had posted I would've been told to kick him out, get a solicitor and so on and it would have possibly made me feel even more inadequate that I wasn't equal to that straight away.

Sorry to say OP he sounds like he is contemptuous of you and your marriage is over. I won't pretend it's any other than a horrible journey divorcing but little by little you begin to understand you are freeing yourself from someone who not only isn't enhancing your life or appreciative of what you do but actually undermines you and diminishes you.

Easy for me to say but as has been said he can pontificate all he likes about what he will or won't be doing financially but it's all hot air , the law sees to that

Hi all and comingintomyown I can really understand your post about real time unfolding. Thanks for sharing your experience. How are things 6 months down the line?

The law is very likely to give him 50% child shared access. The children need their father and I understand that. It hurts me though that through his actions, I potentially will get to see them a lot less, lose a family life I adored and ultimately he doesn't seem to lose much at all! A wife he has possibly tired off he removed from his day to day life AND he gets children 50% of the time and a shiny new life with young girlfriend. I'm in no rush to speed this process up as I love seeing my children EVERY day. It would be desperately upsetting to imagine the worse happening from that point of view alone. That thought keeps me steady. He's talking about Christmas and New Year plans....

Do you both work full time then?
Not sure I missed something.
If you are SAHM he certainly won't get 50%.
There is no way on this planet that he would want 50%.
If he does want 50% make sure it's with all 3 of them at once.
He can't just have them 1 or 2 at a time.
Get some legal advice regarding access.
50/50 is usually a starting point not the end point.

It is a truly shit time and I feel for you.
It's very early days as well.
Be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

How will his 50:50 fit with his work?

Is his squeeze up for being stepmother to 3 children she doesn't know?

Sadly I suspect she will agree to anything to "have him". The reality of homework / clubs / ferrying children around / meal planning / snacks / correct clothing / bag packing etc. will be a huge reality shock doing it alone for him.
I'm not feeling great tonight. He's out of course tonight on a work "do". I don't work full-time just bits and pieces, essentially a SAHM. He works full time, with client entertaining and regular ad hoc travel around the globe. Very intense job with long hours, leaves the house before 7am so never ever has breakfast with the children. I am keeping busy.

I struggle to see how he's going to add 50:50 childcare to his schedule.

Yes indeed...how does he plan to do 50/50 care of the children with his ad hoc globetrotting and everything?

Billy70 you sound so defeated already. I know first hand the shock and horror of the situation, and it truly does feel so very hopeless in the early days. Your mind goes into overdrive, you're utterly devastated but in denial and shock. It's exhausting.

Good to read that you've got friends to support you, your getting out for a run. Anything that makes you feel just a tiny bit better, must be done now.

I'd urge you to talk to a solicitor - just as a general 'fact-finding' information. For me personally, it felt like a betrayal just talking about divorce to a solicitor - even though by this time: I didn't feel ready to talk to one, but it was amazingly good at calming me down, and stopping me worry about the fact that I was in a helluva mess financially in those first few weeks.

And yes, I cried and cried to the solicitor - but she was sympathetic and very reassuring that my worst fears were just that - very unlikely to happen. Most solicitors know that 50% of their clients are forced to be there, not that they want to be there.

After seeing a solicitor, it was the first time I felt any semblance of control over my own destiny. Yes, I couldn't prevent him leaving, but it didn't have to be on his terms (yes, of course I'll live in a caravan....!)

I can't see any compelling reason why a stranger to your children would suddenly get 50% of the parenting duties: Either he can perform these himself, or he can't. He will be expected to prove he can (it's part of the divorce proceedings) - and relying on a stranger to do the jobs, is not going to happen just like that, when there is a much more suitable parent around to do it for themselves.

Again, where is the wisdom of paying for an au-pair, when the money can go to the mother of his children, who is most capable of meeting their needs instead. It will certainly be a cheaper option for him.

Long term, you won't be able to prevent your children spending time with his girlfriends most likely, but no judge in the land is going to put your children straight into a stranger's home, with the man out working everyday, and the step-parent/au-pair taking over your role. It would be horrific for the children to have to experience that.

The children come first in divorce.

So don't think that the one that earns = 'better parent'. If you were the one bringing up the kids before, you'll likely be the one bringing up the kids after divorce - unless he's going to be a much more hands-on dad, and again he has to prove that, he's being rather fanciful. Nothing in divorce is taken at face-value.

I agree with the previous poster Billy.

Looking at the hours your H works, it is not practical that he would see the children 50-50.
I know some families work this way- with the children having their own rooms at 'daddy's home' for 3 days a week and same at mummy's. But not many do it that way.

For a start, the children will have to agree- they can't be forced to spend time with someone. As they become older then they will have more say over where they live.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit by taking his 'wants' as possible. All this has to be discussed with the courts if necessary way down the line- neither of you has begun divorce proceedings yet, so it's too soon to be worrying about shared care.

BTW- when you put work's 'do' in inverted commas, is that a euphemism for him spending time with the OW?

Have you started to make changes at home by moving into the spare room- or is he still in the marital bed while shagging his OW as and when he wants to?

He claims he will get a less demanding job (less money as well) to ensure he can have the children around more, but not many people who know him can see him actually doing that and becoming a more hands-on father. Feeling dreadful today.

Would it help to list your options?

Tell him to go for it.
That the children would love to have him as a more hands on dad.
Looking after all of them on his own.
Reassure him he'll do a great job.
Tell him he can practice this weekend because you are off for the weekend with friends.
But that you expect all the standards that you have to upkeep done as well.
You don't want to come back to untidy house. You want all the washing done and put away. You want the children to eat good, home made, healthy meals. Hoovering done. Beds made. Toys away, etc....
See how he gets on with that one eh!?

This is all bluster by the way.
How on earth will he treat his new princess to nice things with no money?
You, the house the kids will have to come first as far as financing goes.

Please stop listening to his crap.
Just nod and agree at all of his nonsense.

Hand him the jobs section of the paper then. I agree that this is all bluster.
Sorry you're feeling awful. Have a hug ((((OP)))) xx

Do you actually believe any of the things he's saying?
How could he support 2 families on less income?
Does he take you for a complete fool to fall for that idea?

Has either of you seen a solicitor yet and actually started proceedings?

Have you made any changes at home? Like the spare room bed?
Are you still hoping this will blow over and he will change his mind?