Gutted

[Billy70]

Hi all - be gentle - first ever post. I have read other wonderful helpful, supportive threads and wanted your wise advice.

In a nutshell - I am absolutely gutted, too gutted to cry even, in total shock but my husband of over fifteen years has had an affair. At least 1 year long. Admitted he's besotted with her. She's (of course) at least 15-18 years younger than me and reckons they have a future together. Of course me and my children are the only stumbling blocks to their ultimate joy!

How could I have trusted him so completely and him betray me so cruelly? I sound like a victim there which I don't want to be. I found out a few months ago via indiscreet texts. I have told a few RL friends.

Parenthood wasn't his idea of fun tbh but now the children are more interesting he's much better with them. He doesn't want to move out (so he says now) as he "loves his children dearly".

Like many I truly believed we were very happy together, we have many common interests and hobbies, spend most of our weekends together, lucky enough to arrange regular nights out alone, even the odd weekend away, affectionate, talk about lots of things, active sex life (clearly wasn't enough), a great social life, I haven't "let myself go" etc. - clearly he wasn't happy or maybe he just fancied variety and she was there?

At the moment I'm hoping desperately for a "so sorry I can't believe I've hurt you this much, our family mean so much and I will endeavour to be a decent husband again" type speech. I won't ever forget but I could forgive if necessary to keep my family together. The children ADORE "family" time together, as do I. We are their world. My gut instinct is that apart from a few weeks apart they are back on. So I'm being betrayed yet further while I'm supposedly trying to get our lives back on track. Where does this leave me?

I keep hearing of marriages continuing with 10 yr + affairs rumbling alongside... how do people do that? For the Sake of the Children? Hoping one day the affair will fizzle out?
Maybe it is true love between them and he trots off happily to new life with younger woman and lives happily ever after?
Maybe he wants to have cake and eat it - ie familiar safe family life plus sex with glam young one?

I do love him so very much, always have, no wobbles ever - it's heart breaking to find out the number of times you've been told utter lies (our families, children, friends - all spun utter rubbish) and he is very good at lying, I didn't realise before but I guess thats part of an affair - being a crack shot at deceit.

The pain is horrendous at times.

Anyway any good advice greatly received.

*beyond, not behind recognition

I have taken RL advice. They say hold fire. I do want to hold onto my family as I think it could (if my husband gets his act together) benefit us all in the long, long term. Right now, things are awful. I'm being treated appalling etc. and I'm just not ready to break up the family right now, despite it not being my actions that are causing this huge mess. I really do appreciate all MN opinions and suggestions - some of which I've taken on board, others I may take on board in the coming weeks or months. Today I'm in a better place.

Billy- there have been times when I've questioned your authenticity here. I don't think you are going clippity clop under the bridge but I do think you are being rather obtuse to put it politely and complete in denial about what is going on- in the vain hope that ignoring your DHs fling it will all magically go away and you will be a happy family again.

You are avoiding questions.

The question was have you seen a lawyer. it was simple question and needed a simple answer.

Clearly you haven't but rather than say so, and admit that you are stalling, you have come back ( again) to say you have talked to people in real life- which could mean anyone from the postman to your best friend.

No more to add, really. You can advise people but if they won't take it....

There's a middle ground between allowing yourself to be treated appalling and "breaking up the family" (I would see it as "protecting my children and their mother").

It seems as though you are determined not to rock the boat though and continue buying in his favourite yoghurts and washing his dirty pants.

I'm being treated appalling etc. and I'm just not ready to break up the family right now, despite it not being my actions that are causing this huge mess

Your family is already broken. And you may well have no choice about the timings. You may come home 1 day and find him gone.

I'm going to come in at this point and ask everyone to accept the OP's decision. None of you can make her leave her dh...no matter how bluntly you point out what a barrel of shit it all is. All you will succeed in doing is making her feel attacked.
Only time will reveal the course of action she must take. She's not there yet. None of us can force it.

OP - I think you're making the wrong decision to stay with this man...but I wish you very well. Do some reading up on emotional abuse, arm yourself with knowledge. Know where you stand.
I feel very sorry for you...and I wish you an epiphany sooner rather than later. Take care. xxx

pictish that is exactly why I had stepped well away from this thread.
It's heart breaking to watch.
Blocking now.

But no one has said leave yet what people have done is said take legal advice after he threatened to have the DCs 50-50 and ensure she didn't have much of his assets.

I don't know why anyone comes along for advice and after pages and pages of people saying the same thing is still cooking for him, still sleeping with him, still washing his shitty pants, and behaving like a 1940s housewife- tolerating the affair in the hope he will change into Prince Charming and Do The Right Things.

Oh, my Christ

I know why they do Pinkfrocks, but it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking as Hellsbells said.

The epiphany may come when he finally leaves...

Well said Pictish.

If the op wants to live like this it's her own choice, however bad that choice is.

well everyone has the choice to read, block or contribute. If it's too painful, step away.

I'm going to come in at this point and ask everyone to accept the OP's decision.

You're right pictish and I lost sight of that this morning (I hoped I'd had it more in perspective before).

It's hard OP to know how to best support you though. You're saying your situation is awful, but not taking even little steps. What do you need from us right now?

I understand you want to keep your family together but clinging to him in this way will produce the opposite effect to the one you want. If you want to keep him (God knows why, but it's your life) you have to be prepared to stand up to him.

He has never respected you, and taking no stand at all over the affair when he knows full well he's behaving badly, will make him respect you even less. His contempt will grow and he will treat you worse and worse.

He is not going to get his act together because he likes his act as it is: you as the meek housekeeper, his gf as the main event. By staying schtum you are signing a contract to accept sharing him with this woman or any other he takes a fancy to, while treating you appallingly at the same time.

The likely outcome is that he gets so fed up of wiping his feet on a doormat he will initiate divorce proceedings himself.

So you will have put yourself through hell and you'll still end up with a broken family.

I wonder what he's telling OW about why he hasn't left his wife yet? No doubt that he would miss his children too much. But I'm betting there's also something about OP's mental health in there too.

Op, you sound such a lovely, intelligent and measured woman. I would marry you!

I think it's important to start having a good think in this time while you're deciding your course of action about two things 1) why he did it and where the gaps were in your marriage 2) why you want to stay with him truthfully. Be honest with yourself. Read this www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/9254212/Why-do-women-forgive-unfaithful-husbands.html
It's ok to forgive, if you really can forgive. But as lots of other posters say, don't waste the next ten years waiting for him to leave you. And if you love him as much as you say, it could be very painful and damaging for you to stay with him in this limbo.

It might also be helpful to book some sessions with a counsellor ( not necessarily Relate as they seem to gravitate towards saving marriages) and get to the bottom of your feelings and reactions. A lot of self analysis is needed- and remember that the feature in the Telegraph is just a handful of case studies chosen by the journalist with some expert comment chucked in. Not saying it's not of any value but you'll find as much on MN from women who have been in that position.

The fact that you think you can keep this marriage going shows that you are rather stupid and so easily manipulated by your scumbag husband. What a terrible role model you are for your children. Staying together "for the kids" is a ridiculous notion. I think you will find that they will lose a lot of respect for you when they find out what has gone on. As will your real life friends when they discover you plan to stay with him, they will think you weak and a fool.

It sounds like you have not sought legal advice and you are just choosing to believe whatever rubbish your husband spouts and that is so very worrying.

One day you will wake up to find him gone and you will wish you had left him when you had the chance so you could have retained even a shred of dignity. I think you'll find that he'll want nothing to do with his children when he does leave because they will be a burden and limit his freedom.

So, while you stay together, when he is off shagging other women and telling them lies about you, I hope you will be off getting therapy to work on your lack of self-esteem and self-respect.

I agree with many posters who have tried to suggest that you start living as a single parent now. But you don't want to be a single parent yet.

For honour's sake I would move into the spare room. But it's your choice. Presumably H would accept that you might need to fix the room up nice to make it your sacred space. Because the marital room certainly isn't sacred any more. Is it?

You need space and quiet in an area that's defined by YOU. Not you the mother, wife ... just YOU. Everything else in your house is shared, you need peace and own-space. Or maybe that's just my attitude, not yours.

You've said it will take weeks and months to process whatever decisions you might make. He's making plans for Christmas. Are you making other plans or joining in with his?

I made a quick list of stuff i have done/would do to develop a separate life in the same house, but others have alluded to such and it doesn't seem to be what you want or need right now.

Has he finished it or is the affair ongoing? This is at the heart of the situation. His affair and what you want to do by way of response. If everything continues as before, perhaps infidelity isn't the deal-breaker one might expect?

My heart goes out to you, OP.

I think I would find the affair easier to forgive than the horrific way he's treating you. A hoard of strangers care more about you than he
Also, sorry to be so blunt, but he sounds like a crappy parent and a crappy husband, even without the affair.

You deserve so much more.

I have done lots of practical steps as suggested here. All the "official" people I've seen, who know me in RL, say "hang fire", its too soon to make such a life changing decision.
I suspect the affair is carrying on. I will get evidence and act upon it.
I want to look my children in the eye and say I did my utmost to save our marriage but your father didn't play ball, if necessary. That's my choice.
I have a lot of self respect / dignity but for now I am biding my time. Why rush to uproot their childhood into what will be a very different upbringing? Childhood is short enough as it is. A few more weeks / months will make me stronger to deal with any upheaval, not make my children see me as weak imo.

It sounds as though you're moving towards a decision Billy. Is it to offer your husband some kind of ultimatum?

Why are you so coy? You come over as evading the questions.

What is this 'official advice' you've had?
A lawyer would not give advice like that. It's not their place to tell you it's too soon or whatever to make changes.

You have no self respect otherwise you would not sleep in the same bed as a man who comes home after fucking his other woman.

I don't know if I believe any of this because you came asking for advice when in fact your behaviour says that you are tolerating this affair and not open to any advice at all.

My mum did what you're doing. That is stayed together for the sake of the children pretending everything was fine. The upshot was a long, unhappy time throughout my teens, in a very unhappy family home. As an adult I have always ended up in relationships where I have been treated badly. I suffered low self esteem and anxiety for years. Don't kid yourself that your decision won't have an impact. Burying your head in the sand is never the answer.

so it's 'weak' is it to tell their father that you won't tolerate him fucking another woman and sleeping in the same bed as you?

It's 'better' to bide your time and pretend it's not happening- and your children will love you more for that?

You are deluded.