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Original poster

How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

518 replies

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 28/08/2014 16:30

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

OP posts:
ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 21:38

She says she's been published Boomerang. That does suggest talent. It also suggests that should could make her living in a way that wasn't cleaning/retail, if her DH supported her to get started.

She is probably nervous, though. Maybe not too confident. That would be natural. I'm not sure she needs some of these insulting posts.

gamerchick · 28/08/2014 21:38

I don't understand what the problem is.. you've done cleaning work.. 2 hours a day 5 days a week in hours where your bloke is home so no childcare needed... just under 250 quid a month extra money as a compromise while you find your feet. Then you'll have all day to do whatever and still be around for school holidays and sickness.

I know you probably don't mean it but the way you're wording your posts reminds me of the Adrian mole where he writes his manifesto for the job centre in how he isn't available for work as he wants to write full time but wants them to carry on giving him money.

Maybe your husbands been looking forward to sharing the load a little bit.

Boomeranggirl · 28/08/2014 21:40

Cross posted arse!

I'm not saying its too late, but I'm a great believer in actions speak louder than words.

OP, if you want to make this a full time career why haven't you looked doing some freelance work? If you have solely been focusing on your book have you approached any literary agents with a précis of your manuscript? What steps are you taking towards publishing your book? Have you had feedback?

thestamp · 28/08/2014 21:46

OP if you're still reading, i also wanted to say...

i did think it interesting that you titled your thread such that you're implying that being a writer isn't "work".

having been a writer my whole career, both a creative writer and a corporate copywriter bod - i just want to gently disabuse you of the notion that writing is not "work". It is definitely work. you can get paid a lot of money as a writer. I am the breadwinner in my family by an 80% margin.

you say -
I need the creative outlet and can't stand drudgery

... again. I just want to gently point out that there is a LOT of drudgery in writing, including (even especially) fiction writing. It's mostly drudgery. it's lonely, frustrating, boring and sometimes torturous, and that's just writing the first draft. Then it's months upon months of editing, re-editing, critique-grouping, and so on.

and you do it all on your own. I can't express how monotonous and isolating it is at times. it's a huge, relentless battle against procrastination. as others have said, the more time you have, the less you end up doing.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 28/08/2014 21:53

Am sure Arse will be along to debunk all you have said stamp. I do believe she has appointed herself as the OP's spokesperson as well as the font of all knowledge for career writing. Grin

OscarWinningActress · 28/08/2014 21:54

As per usual, I am with PotatoPrints. OP already has a job looking after her DC and household. She's taken time off to do this, and suffered a hit to her personal earning potential as a result. As long as they are not financially strained, DP should recognize and respect this and let her have the time to pursue her dream. All the things that she does for her family in the meantime have intrinsic value, even if she doesn't receive a paycheque. If I went on strike tomorrow, DH would have to hire a cleaner, nanny, dog-walker, personal chef, tutor and a chauffeur (if the nanny didn't drive). I'm an absolute bargain. OP has earned the right to give this a whirl...

HopefulHamster · 28/08/2014 21:57

Arse she may well have talent but it's a bloody hard world to survive in! I've had minor pieces of writing published and paid for (and in fact wrote for day job at one point - but not fiction) but it's a whole other step earning a liveable wage from novels!

It's not to say she shouldn't go for it, but it has to be a decision that works for the whole family unit, not just what she fancies doing it.

I think putting a time limit on writing fulltime is a good idea, and seeing how far she gets.

FrontForward · 28/08/2014 22:02

I'm a single mother with a full time job. I don't employ a cleaner,nanny, dog walker, personal chef, tutor, and chauffeur.

I'm sorry but it's bollocks to say she can't possibly write and do a part-time job.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 22:04

Am sure Arse will be along to debunk all you have said stamp.

No. I agree with her 100%. Why wouldn't I?

I do believe she has appointed herself as the OP's spokesperson as well as the font of all knowledge for career writing

Hardly. Hmm

I don't think I've offered specific advice have I? I thought I'd made about six pretty general suggestions.

As long as they are more constructive than 'snatchlodger' and 'psychobabble crud', i'm quite content.

FrontForward · 28/08/2014 22:04

My post is not in any way meant to diminish SAHP. If you have that option I'm sure it's rewarding. But it isn't impossible to work, be a parent and have hobbies or interests. They are not mutually exclusive

This man does not want to be sole earner.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2014 22:05

If I went on strike tomorrow, DH would have to hire a cleaner, nanny, dog-walker, personal chef, tutor and a chauffeur (if the nanny didn't drive).

What a load of tosh! Most single parents do all that and work.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 22:11

Arse she may well have talent but it's a bloody hard world to survive in! I've had minor pieces of writing published and paid for (and in fact wrote for day job at one point - but not fiction) but it's a whole other step earning a liveable wage from novels!

I know it is Hamster that is why I have variously suggested;

Compromising by getting a two day a week job
Exploring other forms of writing-related work
Volunteering to get a Plan B under way while she finishes her draft

Caterpillarmum · 28/08/2014 22:13

Op has earned the right to give this a whirl

Her DH hasn't exactly kept her at home barefoot and pregnant! She's been able to be a SAHM for the past five years, her DH has now got to the point where he wants to share the financial burden. Nothing wrong with that at all. They dont have to be financislly destitute for him to ask her to take on some of the financial responsibility.

The OP has chosen to be a SAHM and was in fact happy to leave her previous job. this is not the 1950s whereby she now has the right to never have to work again just because she's had kids!!!

DaisyFlowerChain · 28/08/2014 22:16

Rollon, I know. It's amazing anyone manages to work and parent without all those staff Grin

There must be some pretty useless WOHP if they need to another adult to enable them to work. Childcare yes but the rest is rubbish. Millions work and clean and cook!

The OP didn't give up any career and clearly doesn't want to work. Her DH has held the fort for five years and now wants a hand. If the tables were turned, I doubt she'd be happy for him to never work again whilst he chased his dreams.

She has had a good couple of years to follow her dreams and can still have plenty of hours around working. If she hasn't tried, it's little wonder the DH can't see this as an earning job now.

Choosing not to work and relying on another adult to to pay for your every need is only a choice when the other person agrees. If they don't, then it doesn't happen. No sex has more say in a marriage, it's supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

davidjrmum · 28/08/2014 22:16

And if dh went on strike tomorrow the family would having nothing to eat and nowhere to live!

Snapespotions · 28/08/2014 22:20

OP, yabvu if you expect your DH to support you financially while you pursue what is essentially a hobby right now. If you can build up your writing to a point where you can make a regular income from it, then fair enough. Until then, your DH wants you to contribute to the costs of running your shared home and supporting your family. That is not at all unreasonable.

I would love nothing more than to stay at home and write, and one of these days (when I've finished my master's!) in going to sit down and finish my first novel. In the meantime, there are bills to be paid and the fact that I happen to be female doesn't get me off the hook.

ArsenicyOldFace · 28/08/2014 22:20

The OP didn't give up any career

This is what she's getting a kicking for isn't it?

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2014 22:23

This is what she's getting a kicking for isn't it?

No, it really isn't. People are just amazed that she expects her DH to fund her writing without complaint and that she can't work whilst this gets off the ground as she's too creative for drudgery.

Snapespotions · 28/08/2014 22:24

If I went on strike tomorrow, DH would have to hire a cleaner, nanny, dog-walker, personal chef, tutor and a chauffeur (if the nanny didn't drive).

It drives me mad when people spout this crap. Who are they kidding?!

The OP's DC will be in school, so the most she is likely to need is a couple of hours with a childminder before and/or after school. Less if she works part time.

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2014 22:26

If I went on strike tomorrow, DH would have to hire a cleaner, nanny, dog-walker, personal chef, tutor and a chauffeur (if the nanny didn't drive).

To the person who posted this: even taking single parents out of the equation, what do you think couples who both work full time do!??

FrontForward · 28/08/2014 22:26

Arse I don't give a toss whether she had a career or not. I do think anyone who expects to choose to not work must have a back up plan. If that back up plan is expecting someone else to fund your choice then you need them on board.

Choosing to retrain, SAHM, be creative etc is included in that. The OP does sound a little precious

DaisyFlowerChain · 28/08/2014 22:29

"The OP didn't give up any career. This is what she's getting a kicking for isn't it?"

No. The OP believes she has the right to opt out of providing financial for herself and family and thinks her husband is being mean in expecting her to have to work. What if the DH wants to opt out of earning or does he have no say as he happened to be born male?

Millions of women don't have careers but just jobs and go back to working once children arrive. They are not an opt out of anything card.

Caterpillarmum · 28/08/2014 22:29

I don't agree that's the reason arsenicy, I think it's because people in RL have to take responsibility for themselves and part of that is financial. To just expect someone else to do it for you because mundane work is beneath you is just not realistic.

Her DH is not happy to be the sole financial provider. Time to find a plan B.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 28/08/2014 22:31

You are as deluded as the OP Arse
Compromising by getting a two day a week job???? Seriously??

I wonder how you would have responded if the OP had been a fella. Hmm

FrontForward · 28/08/2014 22:33

I have friends who are SAHP (male and female), consultant surgeons, other professionals, school secretary, teacher, classroom assistant etc etc..... From a range of careers and occupations. I don't judge any or feel differently about anyone of them. I like them and enjoy their company because they are interesting, funny, kind etc

It would be paranoid to suggest I am posting the way I am because of OP's past or current occupation. It's her attitude that is drawing my comments.