How do I tell him I don't want to go back to work?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

DS starts school in two weeks. He's going straight into full-time, which frees up a large chunk of the day for me. Because of this, DH has started on about me going back to work. The thing is, I don't really want to.

We don't desperately need the money, things are tight but we manage. I never had anything resembling a career, and the only work I could realistically do is shop/cleaning work - I was more than happy to give that up, and I really don't want to go back to that, particularly if there's no financial gain (which there wouldn't be after childcare.) Besides that, I've been working on a novel for the last year and a bit, and the dream is to write full- time. The extra time I gain from DS being at school would be the perfect transition to that, but DH sees it as just a hobby. Which it is, I guess, but I'd love to make it my career, even if I don't make much money from it.

I just don't know how to talk to DH about all this, he's all but decided I'll be going back to full-time work outside the home, to the point where he's getting annoyed at the fact I'm not really looking. It's really eating at my confidence - like I'm not worth anything without a job.

I do think some posters need to consider more fully that the OP is not proposing to throw over a middle management career or similar to pursue her dream.

The alternative she is looking as askance at is a possible 20 hours per week @ £7ph. £140 per week is easily replaced if you are prepared to work hard OP

Good luck

Can't see why she can't work part time and then write in spare time.

For what it's worth OP, I have a job that's been mentioned on this thread as a dreamy one, and I have a secondary job as well because dreamy job doesn't pay enough - and I do quite well at the dreamy job, compared to most people who try it! It took me a while to get everything to fit together, but in my opinion following your dream is about making it work no matter what, rather than prioritising it to the detriment of all else.

If you're bright and literate (which you seem to be) then you can definitely find a secondary job you like - don't feel like you're only good for something you'd hate. It took me a while to realise, but there are loads of jobs out there besides the usual shop/office ones and you may be surprised what you find out you enjoy - don't be afraid to try things out, it's all experience. I also found that I enjoy the dreamy job more now that I'm not relying on it to become lucrative and I think that helps me to be better at it.

OP regarding your family's finances do you have enough money for holidays, eating out, nights out, saving regularly and if not would your DH like to do more of these things?

When I went back to work after my daughter was born I was in a similar situation - I had no career as such. I was about 25 and really couldn't do anything much - I'd worked in a low level admin job for a while before getting pregnant but didn't stay in the job. Hated it.

So I just applied for anything that looked vaguely interesting. I started out in a low paid job in a travel agents. Went on to do admin at the local CAB. Ended up training as an advice worker and discovered I was bloody good at advice work - that formed the basis of much of my work over the 20 years that followed.

If you aren't very skilled, you have to start somewhere. It is not demeaning to take on a part time, low paid position. Lots of us really like to write and I genuinely thought at school that I could probably be a writer. I probably still could be - but dreams don't feed you. And you shouldn't expect a husband to either.

What was the agreement before you had children RE going back to work?

How much of your novel have you actually written?

OP - you really are resistant to any of the part time, school hours jobs suggestions. So if you really want to find a way to 'sell' this to your DH, i'd go to him with this idea:

Firstly: you give your DS the first term (so until Christmas) with you at home, lots of DCs get very ill in the first term and it might be a lot of change to go from being at home with you to school full days and then wrap around childcare.

In this time, you will focus on writing for 4 of the 5.5 hours a day your DS will be out of the house (allowing for you to get to/from school for drop off/pick up), the rest will be housework and personal time.

You will also look at ways to start getting things moving with your book - by October half term, you will have finished all edits to your first chapter and synopsis and have sent to several agents to see if you can get representation.

You will also look at writing other paid for articles to bring money into the family.

At Christmas, you will look at where you are up to, if from your articles you are able to bring in more than £500 a month, you'll ask to carry on with that.

If not, then you'll look for part time jobs, ideally 2-3 days a week so still allowing some time to do some writing, or school hours, but on that you will expect him to understand you will then have no free time (as your non-working time will be looking after DS) so you want 1 day of the weekends to write.

However, personally, I do think you should look for a part time job now, even if it's a 'filling time' job, something to show willing to be part of the team. If your writing gets to the stage it brings in some money, great, you can quit. But if you can't bring money in doing it, it's time to realise it's just a hobby, and it is as selfish to say you want to focus on that as if you'd said you'd like to play golf every day.

At Christmas, you will look at where you are up to, if from your articles you are able to bring in more than £500 a month, you'll ask to carry on with that

Ask!? Ask who??

I haven't RTFT but I'm a lawyer and a novelist.

Hardly any writers write full time. Not even best sellers.

You could try and get into the curtis brown or Faber and Faber MA in creative writing. Or you could set yourself a 5 month time frame (should be easy full time - I wrote my last book in 8 months at evenings and weekends) to finish a book and send off to agents. Though I suspect you don't really want to be a writer, else you'd have done it already. Writers write around work and children - they find a way.

What is the female version of cocklodger? Snatchlodger?

OP I don't like the way you've phrased this: "I'm not a stereotypical bored housewife dabbling in writing - I've wanted to do this since I was 13, and I've kept moving towards it despite some major upheavals in my life." It doesn't make you better than anyone else. The stereotypical bored housewife might've sold a book already! Do you think you are the only one doing this?

I'm not saying that to be mean. I've been writing since I was 8 and am still not published. I have however worked in publishing (and have in fact also read a hell of a lot of slush for Mills & Boon - where it's still hard to get in and they don't pay that much for 'series' fiction!) and know that a) good competent writing won't automatically get you a contract - a lot depends on luck and voice and timing and that b) there's not much money in it for the majority of novelists these days.

I would LOVE to be a published author. I have focused on this fairly tightly over the last ten years but am still not there just yet. I would love it if I didn't need to work and could throw everything at it, but it's not fair on my husband to make him shoulder the entire financial responsibility for the household. Likes yours, my husband loves his job and in fact we have sacrificed my career for his over the years. Nevertheless, it doesn't negate the fact that in order to be secure, or to cover us if he was suddenly made redundant, it is helpful if I am also working. I would never dare assume that I could just say 'nah don't fancy it' and that would be it.

I do know there are people who've given a year to writing and have made it - but how many countless others don't? It's perfectly possible to write in your spare time and in fact many successful published authors continue to do just that as they don't earn enough to give up completely. What's the average advance these days? I reckon it's about 2-10k.

I don't want to be completely negative. If your partner is supportive and you don't need the money at all I think it would be awesome to completely go for it - it is still a challenge in the same way that working is. If your partner is supportive but surviving without employment is tougher, I'd suggest going for six months at home. If you've already written most of the book that should be enough time to finish and start submitting.

If your partner is not supportive because he cannot go on any longer bearing full financial responsibility for the house, then I think you owe it to your family to contribute something - part time work would be fab, more if you find a job you like (or if you need to). It's not fair to just opt out because you fancy it. Loads of people have creative dreams that they want to pursue but can't do full time - artists, musicians, writers.

Best of luck though!

I don't think that you really get the whole notion that writing as a hobby or as a career is defined by doing it when you fancy or for no pay vs working a set number of hours and getting pay

I suspect your husband would respect a paid writing career.

You say there is no point considering your life as single but I think the point if to try and make you wake up and smell the roses consider why writing as a hobby is different to a career

You are married

Your husband doesn't want to be sole earner

So yes that is the situation you need to consider. Maybe being single would be better

I have a great friend who is a published writer/blogger and teaches creative writing. Her career started when she was a housewife. She wrote her first book as a housewife.

Arse. Ask her DH as you well know. Are you now going to go hammer and tongs at that??

Arse - her DH, because if hte deal is she gets a job at Christmas, if she can make a decent amount freelance, then it be agreed she gives up on the deal. However, she hasn't done "writing as a career" - deadlines might not allow for convenently writing just when her DS is at school, it might turn out to be a lot longer hours and harder on the rest of the family than a job that brings in the same but is much shorter hours.

BTW - I had another idea OP, would you consider (and see if it's needed in your area) to be a childminder who just does before and after school care?

That would still give you the time when your DS is at school to write, but bring something in to pay for 'treats' - or childmind during the day, but agreed you'd only take on a child 2-3 days a week. (freeing up writing times).

I agree with DistanceCall's sentiments. Who on earth, in this day and age considers it unreasonable for a DH who has kept the ship afloat for at least five years not to expect some help I'm the financial front. All these fan dancing women - unpublished novelists and 2 hour a week yoga teachers. Totally self- absorbed and entitled. End of rant.

"On" the financial front obv

Arsenicy

I do think some posters need to consider more fully that the OP is not proposing to throw over a middle management career or similar to pursue her dream.

I think to be fair no one is making that assumption. I think what people are commenting on is the fact that her DH is not prepared to be the sole breadwinner whilst she pursues her dream. He has a vote too!

The alternative she is looking as askance at is a possible 20 hours per week @ £7ph. £140 per week is easily replaced if you are prepared to work hard OP

I don't wish to be mean but if it were that easy why isn't she doing that now? If she has been writing since a youngster then its not like she has just discovered this talent. The OP has said she has been writing and has had a few pieces published, great! But why hasn't that turned into something more substantial by now? If you are writing at night when the kids are in bed then that would have enabled you to make it a profession. I suspect this is probably what her DH is thinking.

I've got DC, a full time job and I'm doing a PhD, I'd love to spend my whole time doing nothing but my research but life doesn't work like that. Nor do I expect my DH to support me whilst I pursue my dream. You wouldn't put up with it from a man, so why should you from a woman? Surely that's equality!

Arse - her DH, because if hte deal is she gets a job at Christmas, if she can make a decent amount freelance, then it be agreed she gives up on the deal. However, she hasn't done "writing as a career" - deadlines might not allow for convenently writing just when her DS is at school, it might turn out to be a lot longer hours and harder on the rest of the family than a job that brings in the same but is much shorter hours.

Negotiating might be a better word (and mindset). £500pcm would be a great achievement to build on and a great negotiating point.

I think your overall plan is a good one Mary I just feel that the OP should avoid falling into the trap of asking her DH's permission to do things. She isn't a child; She's a talented woman trying to establish a career.

I don't wish to be mean but if it were that easy why isn't she doing that now?

I don't know Boomerang. She says she's been working on a novel for 18 months, presumably in her spare time, as she's caring for a child FT. I'm not sure what you mean. Why don't you ask her?

Or are you saying it's too late somehow?

OP. Just tell your DH you are not planning on returning to work as you wish to write. Job done.

She's a talented woman trying to establish a career.

How do you know that though? She may be the next JK Rowling but equally she may not. She still needs to get her DHs support to do this, it's not about permission or not, he has to agree. He's got to carry the financial can, which is a lot to ask with no guarantees or proof that she's going to 'make it'. If you've got a furious passion to do something nothing is going to stop you, you'll write whenever you can, do whatever it takes to get out what you've got to say. Having a part time job is not going to get in the way of this.

She isn't a child you are absolutely right, she is not a child, she is a grown woman with responsibilities.

OP, you are unbelievably selfish. I assume you and your DH jointly agreed to buy a house and start a family? Why should you shirk out of contributing financially when you have no real reason not to be earning a wage?
You have responsibilities. Your child will be at school all day, get a job that fits round school hours and write in the evenings when he's in bed. Maybe your husband wants more than to just 'get by' when he's working so hard himself. He is not here to support you financially while you follow a pipe dream. Wake up, most of us to do jobs we don't like to support our families.

When my children went started school my DP suggested i get a job. I really didn't want to, id been out of work for 6 years and in all honesty i was worried.

But after giving it a few days to think it through i decided 2 things, firstly why should my DP have to be under pressure all the time to get the rent paid and keep food in the cupboards, it was unfair. Secondly, why should he have to keep me? Did i really want to spend the rest of my life asking somebody else for money if i needed something? I was reliant on him and it hit me that, frankly, i didn't want to be.

So, i got a job. And i honestly couldn't go back to being unemployed again, I'm more independent now, have my own money and get to socialise a lot more now.

Being at home writing full time is in effect being unemployed, I don't think you can even class it as self-employed unless you are earning from it.
Wanting to do it as a career is not a problem in itself, but the lack of income may well be if there is an understanding with your DH that you go out and earn now DS is off to school.

You really will have to have a conversation with him. Your question in the thread title is how do you tell him you don't want to go back to work - thi suggests you already know the writing will be a labour of love, not a money spinner, hence the sheepishness on broaching it with DH. Only you can decide if choosing to stay at home beavering away at writing whilst foresaking a regular income is acceptable and viable to you as a family.