Is Mumsnet really a healthy place for advice?

[WildBillfemale]

There seem to be several phrases trotted out again and again irrespective of the problem the OP presents;

Red Flag
Narcissistic
The script
Stonewalling
Gaslighting
Porn addict
LTB
Having a breakdown
On the spectrum
Cherchez la femme
EA
E/affair
MH issues etc

Having seen in the last few days a post that presented facts of an admittedly horrible row but a marriage that could probably be saved with some introspection and will (with the OP stating she loved her husband and wished to remain married to him) quickly turn into 100s and 100s of posts telling/ordering her to LTB is this really a healthy place to post asking for objective advice?
Some posters are excellent in doing that but there are far too many whose views are so muddied by their own unique experience that the advice is actually very damaging.............

fantastic post NotQuite.

Great post, NotQuite. So glad you and your DC are out now.

Yes very much so.

Yes, it is.

It's not the only available resource for support and advice for people in abusive relationship, but a v good one.

For some yes, others no.

Like anything, some of the advice will not apply to the OP.

In general, I think we are often quick to jump on the abusive LTB wagon without really looking into things a bit deeper. I have seen way too many people claim someone is abusive based on such little information which is not helpful. Sometimes those posters are right; other times they are wrong.

I would want to come here if I was cheated on, in an abusive marriage or going through divorce as I know I would get great advice and support. I wouldn't post for advice for other situations though as it is too hard to work out what is going on in a marriage with just one side of the story and too many people eager to cry LTB.

I find it excellent. The thing I love about MN is that there is nearly always a wide swathe of opinions and you can pinpoint yourself/ your situation on the public 'scale', if you like. I'm never quite sure that I'm behaving correctly so I value sites like this.

I think that threads about DV and EA must be eye-openers for people who are trying to tell themselves everything is fine. Those threads help them to realise that they are allowed to be unhappy. They are invaluable, both to the posters and the op in many cases.

Above all, MN helps me to feel less alone. I feel much more powerful and able to make changes in my life when I realise that scores of others have been here and done this and changed their lives even when they thought it was impossible. And I'm in a pretty happy relationship with everything going well, so if I need support then I can only imagine how much others need it.

It's also a good idea to lurk for a while and get a sense of who the more sensible posters are. If you read a lot of threads and decide that randomposter is a reliable sort, then you might experience a sudden jolt when you see him/her being horrified at a situation that is very close to yours. You don't just trust everyone implicitly, you build up trust just like with RL friends (or I do anyway).

The wonderful thing about mumsnet in general, and the relationship boards n particular, is that it is the one place I have found where the usual patriarchal bullshit is treated with the contempt it deserves.

Yes.

I read the threads on here often, and I'm frequently left staggered by what some women go through in their relationships.

More LTB, say I.

Im not sure tbh, the reason I have been using this is because I sometimes struggle to talk to people I know im very a very private and personal person, plus we live in a small town always chance of others finding out. Ive noticed alot of the posts on relationship problems usually seem to blame the man some how I get the feeling theres a lot of you who have gone through hard times and tarr every situation the same. Ive read some fairly good advice though and I just hope people have taken some of it in.

Too many women seem to have a sense of entitlement that everything should revolve around them. I suspect because they know that if the marriage ends they'll still be in the family home with the kids

My favourite wtf link of the day. It's yours OP...

I haven't read enough on the relationships board to say. On the thread you refer to though, I don't think there was a problem. The OP put everything she could into trying to resolve the situation but her DH was not willing to. People kept saying that no-one was excusing his behaviour but unfortunately one key person was - him.

I don't for a minute think that if that OP's DH or anyone's partner was actually much better for them than Mnetters thought, they would 'LTB' on the basis of online advice. The reality on the ground would influence them more.

It would be a shame if advice for getting through tough times is under represented here. I do think an emphasis on working things through in relationships is really important. Just that when people have a chance to do that, they're not going to leave instead based on MN. Also, many people seem to post when at a crisis point - they just wouldn't post on here if things weren't very bad. They are usually scared of leaving a relationship and feeling they should keep trying, rather than needing to be persuaded of that. I think MN could reinforce the thoughts of a woman in an abusive relationship that tell her she is at fault and ought to stay. I don't think it would convince a woman in a salvageable relationship to leave. I could be wrong.

I will have to wait till I've read more before I can say. I know many have been helped here though and I'd like to hope it is a good place for advice.

Is mumsnet really a healthy place for advice?

Yes.

HTH

There's good advice on MN and whilst many posters seem to live in a cloud cuckoo land of naice ham and everything lovely, they have a strong sense of self-worth that they are willing to share with the downtrodden and defeated, and they will sit up at night to keep a lonely person from suicide or to handhold someone whose husband has just been caught in an affair. MN has many faults but on the whole I'd say there is good, safe advice and a lot of support to be had.

I just don't get it. In the thread that prompted this thread the 'D'H threatened to punch his wife in the face in front of his children. How are you supposed to trust someone in that situation? How can you ever not be worried as to how he might respond if you raise an issue. As soon as you know you can't trust your partner the relationship is over.

I genuinely feel sorry for anyone who can argue that you can get over something like that. I wonder what their own relationship is like that their standards are so low.

I think it is a truly amazing place for help and support , particularly on this board. The compassion, insight and experience offered by so many posters is absolutely incredible. I have seen so many people helped here.

Maybe mners don't always get the advice spot on.

But they are there. And they are often there when no-one else is.

I have seen threads where people stay up all night just to keep someone company, to help them see that others care, they are not alone in this world.

And they validate people. You matter. Your feelings matter. You are important. Your needs are just as important as anyone else. You deserve better.

Sometimes the only place people hear that is here.

When my relationship was so awful that I felt I'd lost both myself and any joy in my life, MN pointed me towards resources on relationships, gave me a safe place to vent and a poster even offered to meet me to offer advice and support. I couldn't believe strangers could be so kind.

For every LTB there are lots of threads where posters are simply accompanying other posters through difficult events, supporting them for months and even years until they decide on the best course of action. I think that's amazing.

It's advice.

It can be taken with a pinch of salt.

However, this is one place that does not hold the view that a shit marriage is better than no marriage at all.

A rare thing in our society.

It is a healthy place for advice. Nearly all the time. Some people go over the top - but nearly everyone does not.

Thanks for all the replies, some good points made and some predictable posts.

I didn't intend for the thread I mentioned to be discussed again, it was just a recent example of how many MN threads get exactly the same phrases and advice trotted out over and over again.

The majority of the advice is extreme - there's never any 'rough patch' or 'off day' and god forbid if anyone points out the OP is behaving poorly and may be contributing/causing the friction the poster is immediately accused of attempting to derail a post for fun or victim blaming, or that other standard oft trotted out phrase 'have I awoken in 1954'

It appears inconceivable to many that maybe the OP is contributing to the problem in some way. The OP isn't always entirely blameless and failing to acknowledge this isn't constructive.

Not every row is abuse, not every rough patch is signs of deeper issues, it may just be caused by normal stress of life.

Maybe those who continually see 'Abuse' in every problem should stick to the domestic violence board - I think there is one.......

No, you can't decide who gets to post here and who should post on the domestic violence board. People can and should post where they like.

I think it is a good thing that posters get a variety of feedback from others. The one thing that does annoy me is the posters who can't just give different advice to others without feeling the need to ridicule what people who disagree with them write. I find it very disrespectful of the other poster and also very arrogant of the poster doing it. Like they think they have the answer to all life's questions.

"The OP isn't always entirely blameless and failing to acknowledge this isn't constructive."

This isn't a court of law. The cases presented can only ever be one-sided. There is no rule that says contributors have to be strictly logical, fair or unbiased. This is a forum mostly populated by women, mostly supporting other women & I think women feel safe here and know they get the benefit of the doubt. They may be in a relationship where they are constantly told they are in the wrong or they may be under pressure from family or friends to 'make a go of it' so they come here for a less conciliatory approach. What strikes me very often is how guilty they feel. MN may be the only time they are told 'it's not selfish' to be dissatisfied or to want better treatment.

FWIW I've seen plenty of threads where it is evident that a woman is behaving badly or overreacting and have been flamed like a Crepe Suzette. The 'LTBs' are matched, I would say, by those recommending couples counselling. However, generally I credit those asking for advice with the intelligence to filter out the 'extreme' messages.

If you favour a more conciliatory/compromise/surrendered approach OP you're entitled to make your point.

Fairenuff your comment about maybe right, maybe wrong, resonates with me. I think that is the ultimate place of the board. There is always someone here to hand hold.

I'm not going to namechange, to give some context and probably get yet another kicking:

FWIW I had, a many years ago now, a badly handled awful emotional affair. The advice i received on here was terrible, pretty much to a t. The boot was firmly put into me. However, there was a counsellor on the board who messaged me and helped me and my husband get a plan together, whicle still keeping communication open. It also turned out that I had chronic depression that no-one had picked up on (in RL) and ADs helped enormously.

And to interrupt the bit above me, the lack of context about the OP's situation does trouble me.

You shouldn't have mentioned a specific thread. If you have been here long enough to form such a strong feeling about the Relationships Topic, you should know that it's against the Talk Guidelines, as well as being 'bad form'. You can't then say 'I didn't intend for the thread I mentioned to be discussed again' - what did you think would happen? Everyone would just agree with your take on it?