Is Mumsnet really a healthy place for advice?

[WildBillfemale]

There seem to be several phrases trotted out again and again irrespective of the problem the OP presents;

Red Flag
Narcissistic
The script
Stonewalling
Gaslighting
Porn addict
LTB
Having a breakdown
On the spectrum
Cherchez la femme
EA
E/affair
MH issues etc

Having seen in the last few days a post that presented facts of an admittedly horrible row but a marriage that could probably be saved with some introspection and will (with the OP stating she loved her husband and wished to remain married to him) quickly turn into 100s and 100s of posts telling/ordering her to LTB is this really a healthy place to post asking for objective advice?
Some posters are excellent in doing that but there are far too many whose views are so muddied by their own unique experience that the advice is actually very damaging.............

Good post becool.

I'm a bit of a LTBer. And I'm totally ok with that.

Well I haven't seen that thread hence my opinion. In the main though I would say it's usually an accurate call.

And what Cogito said earlier And Lovingfreedom - where are these women who regret LTB on the strength of what MN said?

I think it's rather insulting to assume anyone would end their marriage based on the advice of random strangers. You are misrepresenting the thread involved but I guess you're well aware of that. Perhaps you're not as aware of the many threads where OP's return to. express thanks for the advice they've received? or the many posters who are drawing on their professional experience rather than their biased personal experience?

The relationships thread has never been a fight club but there are a few posters recently who are feeling the need to extrapolate alternative scenarios to consistently place the OP in the wrong. They're approaching threads as the opportunity for a debate rather than a privileged insight into someone's vulnerabilities. I find their approach neither healthy nor helpful but since their agenda is so transparent I assume their attempts to rabble rouse will quickly fade.

Yes - where are all the people damaged by the bad advice they have received here, taken to heart, acted up and fucked up their lives as a result?

You to tend to get a broad spectrum of advice and opinions - it's very rare to get all posters having the same opinion, though I have seen it and it has been for very good reason.

Perhaps it's the feminist viewpoint, often expressed on Relationship board very clearly that you object to?

YY BookABoo it's like AIBU has leaked into Relationships recently. Extremely inappropriate.

I almost never read the advices followed by the OP cause I just hate to read so much slagging of men that happens on Relationship board.
I find most users on mumsnet have a really aggressive/rude attitude towards men.

Utter crap bmw.

Wow - a whole 33 posts in reply and a full 60 minutes of discussion, before the "you are all so horrible to all the men" whining begins

This isn't going to end well.....

But have you been in a domestic abuse situation madrigals?

BeCool exactly. It is inappropriate especially when it seems they are deliberately trying to derail threads. Maybe this thread will keep them busy for a while and leave genuine posters to access advice and support without their disruptive and tedious machinations.

Sometimes it is very much a healthy place because you'll get advice bluntly that most people don't quite dare to give.

Also some people do have experience and can identify things that may seem innocent but aren't in a relationship - the relationship-equivilent of a non-fading rash that seems small, but actually means meningitis.

There are times definitely when people extrapolate too far and the advice given seems worrying, at least to me.

But overall, the advice is plain-spoken, honest and often very insightful. Also the compassion to people who are in a very bad place is outstanding.

Been a bloody eye opener for me - people in happy/save able relationships don't spend hours googling 'is this abuse'?, they don't stumble upon the MN relationships board and lurk for a couple of years before starting their own thread to which everyone jumps aboard and says err yeah LTB.

You already know you probably will. You just need a bit of moral support - something that is so lacking from your life when you are in an abusive relationship.

I never had my own thread about my rlationship, but I will never forget posting on another thread, slowly starting to put things together, and I opened up a bit and a wonderful poster (AnyFucker) acknowledged me, replied to me and was very kind to me and it changed my world.

To be heard and believed and understood by someone, even 'just a stranger on the internet', was a revolution to me. My children will not grow up in an abusive household, because of the courage to leave that stemmed from what I learnt on this board, and because of the kind acknowledgement and support offered by a stranger.

That is healthy. And amazing. Long may it last.

I remember posting how unhappy I was but I thought it was my fault, that I had made him like that. I described how we were out in London and we were carrying ds in his buggy down a flight of stairs to the tube and I said something that annoyed him so he sped up and I was stumbling down the stairs really scared I would drop my end of the buggy with ds in it. Someone said "so your husband used your child's buggy to push you down the stairs?" That was my lightbulb moment, he didn't give a fuck what happened to me or ds, he was being violent towards me, trying to hurt me without actually raising his hand. The other thing I described was how he would always stop just in front of me to greet ds for ages and I would be stood there unable to get past, usually with big bags of shopping, he always positioned himself so I couldn't move and had to wait for him to let me, if I said anything he would be angry because "I am just saying hello to my SON!"

MNetters picked up on that and they said this will escalate and it did. Within months he was shoving me around, smashing the flat up, destroying my books, kicking and punching the car when I locked myself in it at 8 months pregnant.

I've seen regular posters pick out that kind of detail over and over again.

Wish I'd had MN when I was still with my first H.

And then when he upped and left with no warning.

And then when I took him back (big mistake).

I might have saved myself years of heartache, culminating in DV and needing help from WA.

I'm not saying I would've have followed every bit of advice, but I didn't realise just how isolated and alone I'd become and how long I'd stuck my head in the sand. It would've been good to just have someone different to bounce ideas off and get an outsider's opinion.

There are some amazing supportive and wise regulars on this board - Cogito and AnyFucker are two, many others too. But there are also some twatbadgers on here, just like you get in RL
You have to sift out the good from the shite.

No one actually leaves their DP because on MN advice unless the were going to anyway. It's a useful too. All the buzzwords you have listed are also useful when used in context although personally i cannot stand "on the spectrum" because being a wanker does not make you autistic !!

The wonderful thing about mumsnet in general, and the relationship boards n particular, is that it is the one place I have found where the usual patriarchal bullshit is treated with the contempt it deserves. Everywhere else, the background noise is that Boys will be Boys and women should play nice, and identical behaviour in both sexes is treated very differently. Women are expected to work harder to keep the family together and men get away with bloody murder under the labels of stress from work, or having to deal with arsey womenfolk who 'nag'.

Even if you are aware of this, it gets so internalised, you still find yourself feeling guilty for not being thin enough/not keeping the house nice enough/not being a good enough mum or whatever other box women are expected to fit into.

Here, this is challenged. It is pointed out that being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave, and that your needs are just as important and deserve to be treated with respect. It is still depressing how often this is painted as 'strident' or 'man-hating', but hopefully in my lifetime, a women will be allowed to call bollocks on being treated badly and not be considered a ball-breaking bitch.

I've seen regular posters pick out that kind of detail over and over again.

Yes Nicki so have I. When you know it, and you see it, you call it.

I stumbled onto the relationships board a little while after joining MN, and drifted around. I opened the long running EA thread thinking 'wonder what that's about?', with absolutely no clue of what was about to hit me. I clicked on the 'am I being abused?' link, just out of interest, read it, and realised I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut.

I had absolutely no clue I was being seriously abused, as were my dc. I was in a relationship with strong elements of all types of abuse (sexual/financial/emotional/physical) and I was completely oblivious. I was trapped in a web of his beliefs/wants/beliefs and justifications and I thought I just wasn't doing something properly, and if I could only figure it out, things would be fine.

I lurked for months. Every now and then a thread would pop up eerily similar to my life, and posters would say 'ltb', this is utterly unacceptable/report to the police. I realised what everyone would say if I started a thread. Do you know I had no idea I could leave? That I was allowed to. That I didn't need a reason more than 'this isn't working for me'. That I didn't need his permission? That I had a list of reasons as long as your arm that screamed get out?

I had no idea.

I am a degree educated, professional, high IQ, manager type. I believed I was strong and independent. I believed abuse was something that happened to other women. I read the posters in public toilets about DV and thought how glad I was that that wasn't me.

It was me.

MN opened my eyes to all of it, and, I believe, saved mine and my DCs lives.

I have now read Lundy's book over and over, have done the freedom program 4 times, have been to survivor conferences to influence local policy, have been to endless court dates, CAFCASS and CAMHS meetings, done specific abuse related therapy and seen my exes DV reports. I now understand DV through and through.

I still lurk endlessly. I rarely post. In no way do posters scream ltb over nothing. There are some dedicated skilled posters who really know what they are doing, and they are literally opening people's eyes to their situations, either the OP's themselves or the lurkers avidly reading every word.

I'm sorry. But you really just don't get it. You couldn't see what others saw, you still can't. But in answer to your question, mumsnet is quite definitely an excellent place for people in distress.

A poster who loves her OH and doesn't want to leave him, is often a poster who loves her OH but should/must leave him. The problem is with women staying with abusers/arseholes/losers/bastards/cheats/inadequates/etc. when they should leave them, not posters being told to LTB (the clue is in the B).

The other thing I described was how he would always stop just in front of me to greet ds for ages and I would be stood there unable to get past, usually with big bags of shopping, he always positioned himself so I couldn't move and had to wait for him to let me, if I said anything he would be angry because "I am just saying hello to my SON!"

It is very difficult to convey the menace and control that takes place in a scenario like that. If you were to tell someone, they'd think you were making a mountain out of a molehill unless they'd experienced something similar themselves.