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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 80

999 replies

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 15:38

As we were saying...

OP posts:
IMNOTYOURBABES · 10/09/2014 20:19

I would NEVER contact any of my ex's if I saw them OLD!!!
This eve, I have just received a pic of naked wobbly full frontal from one of said ex's.
For years I thought he was the one that got away!? I thought he was fit, sexy, good looking. I was a daft mare, sank into a depession when we split...thought about him for years.
I can't express how much I thought he was the one. When he recently got in touch I had the whole heart skips a beat .... blimey, get yer kit off.......

And then the wobbly photo of him obviously thinking he was some sort of sex god ...all feelings of lust completely gone.
Now to break it to him (wish me luck!)

UrsulaBuffay · 10/09/2014 20:32

Jarlin you are so strong! Hope you are enjoying your date

OP posts:
JuJuHeyHey · 10/09/2014 22:16

Minmooch - regular texts without a suggestion that a meeting might be in the offing are, to me, a sign that they might have me on the 'back burner'? If you're chatting to several people you have a favourite and then others which you want to keep warm in case that one doesn't work out. We all do that, right?? I think it's quite common at the just chatting or first/second date stage. Or is it just me!? Hmm

JuJuHeyHey · 10/09/2014 22:30

Hissy what a charmer your ex sounds!! What is with these blokes?! Angry

Reading your comments about your third date reminds me of what I was telling friends about the last guy I dated after the first few dates - "he's nice, he's good company, it's all about the socialising but he doesn't rock my world..." I thought it would develop/grow - hoping for a slow burner, but after 2 months of average sex I realised that we still had no emotional intimacy to go with the physical intimacy. I tried and tried to scratch the surface but gave up after realising that he wasn't particularly interested in engaging with me, he just wanted a girlfriend - any girlfriend would've done. I felt massively relieved when I ended it. I don't think you need to be set alight by now but there needs to at least be some kindling laid by both of you before you go to bed with him, IMHO.

minmooch · 10/09/2014 22:32

So how do I work out if he's keeping me on the back burner?

Jarlin · 10/09/2014 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrsulaBuffay · 10/09/2014 23:15

It didn't disappear that's what I was responding to - your washing the clothes. I'd have sniffed it forever! You've made the right decision about the date it's not fair on him otherwise

OP posts:
Jarlin · 10/09/2014 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrsulaBuffay · 10/09/2014 23:49

Weird, it's at 18.13pm below

OP posts:
Pinklaydee1302 · 10/09/2014 23:53

I read it too Jarlin

minmooch · 11/09/2014 08:22

I can't see it Jarlin. Hope you feel stronger day by day.

UrsulaBuffay · 11/09/2014 08:38

I wonder if it's the changes they've made to mobile site or whatnot I'm viewing on iPhone app

OP posts:
minmooch · 11/09/2014 08:42

I can see it on my computer but not on my phone - weird.

Jarlin · 11/09/2014 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SingleSock · 11/09/2014 10:44

I feel like that too Jarlin. Some days I feel positive that I will meet someone I like soon and I just need to stick with it, other days I just think what's the point?!

Like today. A guy I was getting on quite well with by message (although I did have a couple of doubts over him) cancelled our first arranged date. He suggested next (this) weekend so I've arranged a babysitter. Messaged him and he's said he's met someone. Bizarrely I feel a bit rejected. Not sure why as I have other dates lined up and I'm still receiving messages.

On the issue of messages, has anyone found that sometimes they get very few, other times they get lots? I never message guys first but maybe I should be more active in pursuing them first.

I have a lunch time date tomorrow with a guy who is a little over keen but I'm giving him the benefit of doubt at the moment. I'll call him MrMMA and will of course update after Grin.

SingleSock · 11/09/2014 11:40

I've had a weird message from the most pretentious guy telling me that despite the fact that I appear to be attractive, intelligent and mysterious from my profile, there are issues that mean he does not wish to take it further. This was his first message, I've had no contact with this guy. He refused to elaborate when I asked him what he meant by issues. Is it me or is this really rude? Reject me in the privacy of your own head, I don't need to know thank you very much! That has come on a bad day as feeling a bit crap after coming across a fair few 'only size 10 and below girls', 'no single mums', etc type profiles Hmm.

minmooch · 11/09/2014 12:04

I wouldn't worry about him Single and I certainly would not enter into any conversation with him That is a definite block to me. As for the others, well you would have found out sooner rather than later that they weren't for you so better to find out now before any time invested.

I message people that I like the look/sound of. I only reply to people that message me if I like the look/sound of too. Good luck with your lunch date tomorrow.

Jarlin if we have a text conversation today I will ask - can't be doing with all this wondering malarkey! Are you feeling a little stronger today?

knittedknickers · 11/09/2014 12:42

Single - what a complete dick - that is so rude of him. HOnestly, I bet he's a right charmer in RL!

Bant · 11/09/2014 12:44

Single - I get messages from women like that too. It's rare for women to message first, usually they just view my profile several times to give me a hint. Getting a wink from someone is also rare. I'd welcome more interest as there are 1000 women who match my search filters, many of whom are attractive, and I really don't have the time or energy to send 1000 personalised emails out to each of them. If you fancy a bloke, let him know by looking at his profile more than once or favouriting or winking at him.

Otherwise you're just going to end up weeding through the dross from blokes who are trying their luck, and the guys you actually fancy will be off messaging the women who winked.

One woman messaged me out of the blue and said I seemed attractive and funny, but I'd said I had kids so she wasn't interested.

Right. I'll just not be a dad then. Weirdo.

The other night I was looking through all my suggested matches on Match, and there were 6 attractive women, all between 5 years younger and 3 years older than me. All local enough. And not a single one of them had written a profile description of themselves. None of them. Most of them only had one photo, a facial close up.

How am I supposed to write a decent message to them? 'Hi. Interesting that you have eyebrows. I have eyebrows too. Maybe we should chat'

So I didn't bother, and sent a few messages to other women who had taken the time to write something - anything - about themselves, without too much use of the word 'lol' or the phrase 'work hard, play hard' in the text.

Justatoe · 11/09/2014 12:45

I think Single that we would not be worthy of further consideration or reply. Hi clearly has issues.
Jarlin I hope you are feeling at least a little stronger today than yesterday & this will continue.

Am not sure I am cut out for multidating/messaging. In addition to getting confused, worry how to drop them if one seems to have potential. Having said that, it really helps me to stop becoming over invested.

Have dates on Fri (1st) Sat (3rd) Sun (1st). Eek!

Justatoe · 11/09/2014 12:46

*he not we !

knittedknickers · 11/09/2014 12:54

Bant - I am amazed that women don't message...I often message a man that I like the look of and has an interesting profile. I agree about the 'no profile' thing - it is incredible that people expect interest from others when they can't even be bothered to put a bit of effort in. Anyone who winks/messages me but has 'I'll fill this bit in later' on their profile gets deleted straight away - no matter how nice his eyebrows are. One guy managed to fit three 'LOL's in one sentence to me once...it wasn't even a funny sentence, it was about the weather!?

Wow, Justatoe - you must have a good memory (in order to retain conversation re children/job etc) I would not be able to cope with them all at once!

Blossomflowers · 11/09/2014 12:59

single annoying idiot.( I would suggest his issues not yours) There are sadly a few out there. I had one the other day saying I look lovely but sorry he does not date blonds.

Date 3 with MrItalian did not happen last night, he finished work late ( had kept me posted) he was very sorry I believe his genuine so not upset re have rearranged for Monday evening as away at his mates wedding this weekend. Could have couple of dates this weekend but not sure I will bother.

Bant · 11/09/2014 13:09

Maybe they're trying to use 'negging' - this is the Pickup artist approach where a man says something negative to a woman - a backhanded compliment, in order to make them feel socially anxious and more grateful for attention.

Like - nice hair, shame you're blonde. Or I like your earrings, they don't really go with your dress though.

knitted - I get messages all the time from women I just don't fancy. Or women with no profile photo. I used to be polite and respond with a 'thanks but no thanks' but now I just ignore. I feel hardhearted doing it, but if I don't find them attractive at all, what's the point?

I don't get messages or winks, generally, from women I do find attractive. Sometimes I do, and I'll respond. Even if their profile text is blank, I can at least reply to what they said and get a conversation going.

SingleSock · 11/09/2014 13:15

Thanks everyone. I feel better after all your reassurances. His profile is one of the most pretentious I've ever read. He's clearly a clever guy but his profile is written mostly in riddles designed I think to confuse the women who read it and therefore make him feel intellectually superior. He's also got quite a lot of Latin verses in there Hmm.

That's really interesting to hear it from a man's point of view Bant. I messaged a couple in the beginning but they didn't respond so it put me off. It was helpful though because it made me appreciate how difficult it is for men to think of a good opening message so I'm quite forgiving if the first contact is a bit lack lustre (providing they have a well written profile of course).

Men are equally as bad for the 'ask me' and just a load of dots etc on the about me section. I put a lot of thought into my about me section although I often think I should change it because it's been written very tongue in cheek (to demonstrate my style of humour) but it seems some take it in earnest Grin. I'm on POF so no option to wink or send interest. I think once you've viewed their profile once, it doesn't show if you've looked again. I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and make the first contact.