Hi all
I have just come on to say that I'm going to take a break from the dating thread. Given that I'm not dating, or planning to any time soon, it just doesn't feel like somewhere I belong anymore/at the moment ...
My brother has emailed but, as I'd done the closest thing I could to blocking him that I could; it went straight into the delete folder. I only realised because I accidentally deleted something else and went in to retrieve it last night. I haven't read it. I neither want to read an insincere apology, another tirade of abuse, or for him to have just pretended it had never happened. I don't know what I'll do long term, but, for now, he's not someone I would choose to have in my life.
So that's that. I've listened to the song that most reminds me of my exbf on the journey's to and from work this week. I sobbed the whole way there and back on Monday. I was mostly ok yesterday. I listened to it this morning and was able to sing along. I made my children his country's 'national dish' for dinner last night... and I didn't even think of him 
It was a week ago last night that I ended it. I've been very up and down in the week since. I know it was the right thing to do, but it's been sad knowing I'll never see or hear him again. And knowing I'll never go back to his country again (it was a little too hot for me and would remind me of him) and certainly never to his home town (which I suppose is the crux of it) so all I have now are my memories and I know they'll fade. And that makes me sad, too.
I think what makes me the most sad, but also makes it easier, is that my day to day life doesn't look much, if any different. I feel like I miss him, but what I miss is the possibility that I could have been loved and put all the crap from the past behind me. I have a painful, hard emptiness inside me and tears are only an unkind word or a burnt slice of toast away, but I know that this too will pass, and all that.
I can't find the post, so I can't remember who, but someone suggested a website called gettingtotruelove.com. I signed up yesterday and downloaded the 'book'. A lot of it is common sense. A lot of it is what we tell each other on here. But it's all true. I'm making myself an action plan to improve myself. I did a lot when my marriage broke down, but I think i've probably not been mindful enough of it all over the past few months.
I feel like I've had a bit of an epiphany. A light has switched on and I've found a sense of calm (at least temporarily!) about it all. I've spent my whole adult life looking for someone to counter my mother's messages that I was worthless and unloveable. I feel like it now makes sense to me that I need to do that for myself. If I never meet anyone else, then I never meet anyone else. If I do, then I do. But I'm no longer going to 'look' for someone. I'm going to become the best version of me that I can be. I do think I'm an ok person. I have friends, I'm kind and thoughtful, I'm considerate and loyal. I'm funny and intelligent. I'm capable and I'm strong. In fact, the only things would change about myself are physical. And I would change pretty much all of that. But I can't.
I watched Shallow Hal the other night. I'm not sure I 'got' the message (although I know what it was supposed to be) there was a lot of presenting perfectly ordinary women as ugly!
I want someone who feels lucky to have found me. If no one ever does, ever, then I'm comfortable with that. I think.
So that's it. Thanks for all your support over the months. I really wish that me, Jarlin and girlie could have hosted a joint virtual 1 year celebration and I think it's interesting that all three relationships ended within days of each other really (I know mine limped along for a couple more weeks, but it was dead in the water really).
Minmooch I was so sorry to read of all your losses. You are an amazingly strong woman to still be standing after all that. And your youngest son is a real credit to you. It's true that any man would be honoured to be welcomed into your family. Thank you for your kind words and support. I hope things work out for you.
Good luck to everyone else with dates and blossoming romances. But I just wanted to say thanks.