Dating Thread 80

[UrsulaBuffay]

As we were saying...

Looks don't really have anything to do with successful relationships IMO.

Ha yes agree Folk - the advice I try to remind myself is to treat myself as a friend. Sometimes I treat myself as an enemy, and why? I've tried recently to carry through with things I'd have told a friend to do eg block that guy, delete his number, don't text someone looking for attention.

But fancying someone is quite transient. There's always someone prettier or more attractive to come along and replace you

I think men are slightly less fickle than that. Beauty is subjective not an objective and measurable thing. Just look at the variations between the so called "beautiful women" in the media. Some thin, others like Kelly Brook curvy, some dark, some blonde, some short etc,...Plus there are couples still happy together after 50 years who hold hands and gaze at each other. My father thought my mother was the most beautiful woman to walk the earth and told everyone so, in reality she was probably not unlike many other women her age. Ours eyes can deceive us when we love someone. I think men very often idealise their partners when that person is their perception of the ideal, their ideal. You can't get more ideal than that which is already ideal.

Not everyone finds that in life. But I think one major mistake men make often is trying to make rational pragmatic decisions. Women do this too but are slightly more inclined to think that the less than ideal can be made ideal if he would just change in small/or large ways. Whereas men think the less than ideal will always be less than ideal but that he can settle for that. In all cases this thinking is directed by the desire to have a relationship. The ideal is to never want a relationship and one day meet that person who convinces you otherwise.

newstartforme good luck and hope it goes well. I don't have any advice, I only went on a couple of dates. I didn't drink, I always drove because I never wanted the temptation to drink too much, stay too long. Do you know much about him? I always looked at profile, read messages and made mental note of things the guy had said about himself.

namechanger I guess you can only wait to see if he replies, fingers crossed for you.

Where is single she is very quiet, I hope you are ok?

Jarlin hope its all going well for you. I don't know what to do about MrC. A RL friend bless her, read all the saved texts and said "LBM you are very curt at times, he is very sensitive and I think he feels insecure" what if his behaviour is due to some other reason, I am cynical. Just wish I had a crystal ball, an extra pair of eyes and someone to tell me what to say.

Hi everyone. I'm still here, have been keeping up with the thread when I can but I've been quite busy with work lately and worked away this week so not had the chance to post. Thank you for thinking of me Jarlin and LBM.

Jarlin, I'm thinking of you today. I'm guessing you'll be with slow right now. Hope it's going well.

I have quite a lot of news actually. Since my last post, I've gotten over the distasterous date weekend. I can actually see the funny side now. Both dates have been back in touch for a second date. I dumped/ignored appropriately. Since then, several really great guys messaged me on POF with well thought out and interesting messages.

Had a date planned for this Friday just gone but he cancelled due to childcare. We have mutual friends in common and he's let me look at his Facebook so I know he's genuine. Just need yo reschedule which will be tricky as I'm so busy.

Another genuine sounding guy is in daily contact. I'm meeting him for coffee this coming week.

Yet another really funny and intelligent guy wants a date but again, timing is an issue.

I went out last night and started chatting to a bouncer who is 6ft9 (MrTall+1? ). We got on really well abd have swapped numbers. He wants to meet up. Only thing is, he's 20! . But I've not felt chemistry like I did with him for anyone else I've met. In a way I'm glad I met him because up until now, I wasn't sure how I was meant to feel when I found one that had chemistry. I think I have been confusing just liking someone for actual chemistry. At least now I know how I should feel when it happens.

And in further news, MrTall is back in contact and asking me to go away with him for his birthday. I told him he is being unfair keeping me hanging while he makes his mind up. I ended up going round to see him on Friday and we slept together. I think I'm actually going off him though, just as he's started chasing me as he texts me often. Role reversal. Bloody typical!

Feel free to shout at me now . But I'm feeling much happier and enjoying dating again .

Folk the counsellor I saw in the aftermath of discovering XH's affair also offered telephone counselling - I hadn't heard of it before but liked the idea of it. I then used telephone counselling later. If you google it and then take it from there you might find something that fits in with your lifestyle.

LBM I too would like that extra pair of eyes and help with phrasing stuff - but only in a relationship context when my emotions are riding high.

Single you're sounding like you're in the zone and having a bit of fun. That's how it's meant to be so I shall shout but it's a big yippee!

LBM Thanks for the food for thought... the someone settling for me thing is my biggest fear. It's far greater than my fear of being alone.

What you've suggested is the ideal is what I'm doing from now on. I have no interest in a relationship. If someone came along to change my mind, I might reconsider, but I don't anticipate that happening now.

I know lots of men, I encounter or meet men in passing, but they're not ever interested. And I'm never interested in them either.

I think I'm just going to be happily single from now on.

Folk following on from a previous post of mine I think you need to deal with your brother. I really do. I don't mean that you need to cut him out of your life or anything like that but you do need to stand up to and stop his bullying. I know you're emotionally entwined with him but I just think he's an old-fashioned bully and you go along with it because that's 'your role'.

Obviously it's for the professionals to 'go there' with you but, to my mind, whatever you manage to fix about how you perceive yourself when in a relationship, no matter what work you do on your perception of yourself and your body image, every time your brother 'controls you', 'judges you', 'puts you in your place', I fear you will end up back at square one with all of your head gremlins out in full force. The answer is not to alienate him but to deal with him and change the things he dares to say to you that he probably wouldn't say to anyone else.

I did this, to a point, with my Mum. Nothing remotely comparable to your experience but my Mum is very negative and only says something when it's negative. It's really weird, she's very loving and totally has my back when the chips are down but, when life is just jogging along she has to run people down, criticise me or think the worst of someone. I felt so worn by this that every time she said something negative I would just say that I didn't want to hear her say that about so-and-so. I'd then switch the conversation to recipes or something like that, always to an area we both enjoy. It worked. She soon stopped making negative comments.

I know that my experience is a world away from your problems with your brother but I do feel that tackling him will help you. It requires thought and tactics that you're happy with though. A kind of 'punish the behaviour' not the person sort of approach.

I hope something in there resonates. All I ask is that you don't post all the reasons why you can't tackle your brother's behaviour. You've got the brains and the self-awareness but you need to keep your head our of the sand and figure out the how... probably with expert help. [stern old nag emoticon]

Oh Jarlin You must be in pieces. What a thoroughly self-centred arse he's turned out to be. He knew what you wanted and he still thought he'd take a punt. I am so so sorry to have read your update but good for you at standing your ground and not accepting less than you want and deserve. I just want to scoop you up and hug the pain away. and with a helping of and a whole lot of

Jesus Jarlin! How cruel of him!

At this rate I'm going nowhere! Texted him to say can we meet a bit later and no response !!
Oh dear :-(

Jarlin I'm sorry your talk did not go the way you wanted. At least he was honest (but v hard to hear) and you know where you stand. Shed a tear for all the hope you had and then move in, find the person who does fall for you.

Jarlin. I'm proud of you. You gave him a chance. Were honest. Told him you deserved more. You did amazing.

Falling for someone makes everything so much harder. And hurts like hell to boot. When your head says one thing but your heart doesn't care.

Give yourself time. It's hard but you will get through it. He didn't deserve you. He really didn't. He is cruel and you are not. Hugs to you

Oops sorry jarlin :-( hugs to you x
Still no response ! What the hec shall I do :-(

Newstart and Namechanger first of all welcome to the thread and secondly, welcome to the bear-pit of OLD...

It's a magical mystery tour where there are disappearers, no shows, cock shots, messages that only say 'hi babe' or 'u r sexi', members of the 'let's sext NOW or you're a frigid bitch' brigade, men who want to know why you don't love them intensely when they've deigned to send you two messages that each contain more than 20 words, men who say (through ancient photos) that they're 5-stone lighter than they really are, men who forget to mention their dentures (although quite how you bring up naked gums in a pre-date conversation is beyond me), men who don't realise that the fairer sex can spot the difference between 6'1 and 5'8 at 20 paces, men who are implausibly photogenic so you spend the date begging for the name and number of their airbrusher extraordinaire and men who are 10 years older (at best) than the photo they posted.

On top of that you have the married ones and the ones who look OK and match the photo but then they have NOTHING interesting or funny to say because they exhausted their resources when messaging you... and yet, and yet we keep dating (with much needed breaks in between) because we know there are good 'uns out there and we know it's a numbers' game so, just like winning the lottery, our number's gonna turn up this time - isn't it? As I said at the beginning, welcome...

No he jeff ing well hasn't ! :-(

Before that post is amazing we should start every thread with it!

Jarlin - I don't post much was so sorry to hear your latest - how bloody upsetting. It certainly doesn't sound like he meant to upset you but just wanted to be completely honest. It's just gutting all the same and I really feel for you....adding my virtual hugs with all the others.

Before - I love your rant about OLD. I really do wonder if men have these experiences of us women...probably but to a lesser degree. I think women are more likely to be self-deprecating than lie about their height/size and looks etc. Gawd - I might just go back to my nun-like existence after reading your post!

Hi can I join as well? Have lurked and OLDd before so an old hand in some ways, but I've lurched from one crap encounter to the next since becoming single 3 years ago, and so fed up of it.

Latest: nice guy, seemed to be going well (though v early stages), and then over 2-3 days the text messages just stopped. Why do they do this? So fed up of it - he was the first one to seem promising.

So I've gone back on okcupid. That'll end well.

I don't have everyone's stories quite straight yet but Jarlin, I hope you're ok