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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 80

999 replies

UrsulaBuffay · 23/08/2014 15:38

As we were saying...

OP posts:
Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 07/09/2014 13:52

Sounds about right Folk. I am probably similar, I don't think anyone wants me for anything longer than a night but then I've been putting myself in that position. If you swim with sharks and all that. Maybe the type of person you have been trying to get to like you more deeply has just been kind of a surface person and it's not actually you at all. Except for the reason you do go towards those types? To avoid them getting to know the real you. I know you didn't want to open up to him about how you feel. Maybe it's not how you look but something makes you think once people see the true you they won't stay around. So in fact your outer layer is not at all what you're worried about not being good enough.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 14:07

ursula I suppose the reason things don't progress now is because we were deliberately poorly suited in the first place because I engineer things that way. Or because I 'punish' them by mistrusting them and then I end it. I have no idea if I'm capable of a proper relationship because if someone does seem well suited and interested, I go off them almost instantly.

Shit. That's actually really true.

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 14:13

It's the whole thing that's not good enough' ursula

The thought of being with someone who wasn't damaged in some way fills me with dread. I would just feel terribly guilty to deny a decent man the opportunity of being with someone worthy.

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 14:21

The thing is, I don't have ONSs and I've never been dumped after having sex when I thought it was going to continue.

I do have ishoos though. My best, most fun and confident sex was with a good looking man who had a great body, but who I didn't fancy in the slightest! Good friends, but no emotional connection beyond that.

Shit.

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 07/09/2014 14:23

Well you've identified it now and tbh I'd say you aren't ready to date if that's true. It's not fair on someone to get involved and have somehow set it all up to fail, that's why I'm alone I know that I could be with someone who is lovely but I would really mess him around because I am scared.

This good enough this has to stop, you're no better or worse than the rest of us and other women aren't some mystical being- they're just us! Stop comparing yourself to other people, you can never be anyone else and it's such a waste of life (also talking to myself somewhat here!)

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 14:39

Yes you're right. I'm not ready to date. I hadn't really realised how it all fit together until now.

No idea hoew to tackle that, though. Don't have time for counselling. I have been offered dome but it's impossible to get there from work. I tried and hoped for the best last week but failed.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 07/09/2014 14:53

Folk, I'm interested in how you can describe someone as 'very attractive' and 'very pretty' but not 'beautiful'. What is the difference? Strange question maybe, but genuinely interested Smile

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 07/09/2014 14:57

The counselling though is self love and probably more important than jogging! I understand, I need some too and put myself off for similar reasons

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 15:17

ursula I can go jogging at 5.30am though. Or 8pm. I can't go to counselling then.

MyChild I suppose, to me, physically beautiful people are those whose looks are captivating and at whom you feel compelled to look. The sort of people who can silence a room upon entering it. Many, but admittedly not all, models.

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 07/09/2014 15:21

I know, I meant though that you're prioritising changing your physical self and not the things you just identified. People say running clears the mind though, maybe it'd help.

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 07/09/2014 15:22

Very few people look like that, though. Most people are averag-looking. Where do you live? LA?!

Original poster
UrsulaBuffay · 07/09/2014 15:23

Very very few people in life are captivating looking, beating yourself up for not being one of those few doesn't make sense. And they don't necessarily have an easier life. I always think Kelly Brook hasn't had an easy time with men so no reason I should!

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 15:26

But it's not just models, and they don't need to be slim. Hence the slim and beautiful, and not just 'beautiful' as an all encompassing word.

But if my exbf's previous girlfriends were all beautiful (and slim from things he said) then what the hell was he doing with me? I know it's a pointless question now, but that's the sort of thing I had going round my head constantly. I sometimes felt physically sick when I was with him because I was so disgusted with myself.

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 15:35

Haha, you say that, MyChild but there are some women I see on the playground at school who fall into that category. There are some truly, naturally beautiful women.

There are also some very attractive women, who aren't beautiful.

Ursula You're right. But whoever I'm with would rather be with Kelly Brook. I can guarantee that!!

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 15:42

God I feel tense, and have pains in my chest just thinking about it Sad

BeforeAndAfter · 07/09/2014 15:56

Folk you could try telephone counselling. It's really flexible in terms of time etc. I did that for some ishoos and it worked well. I had evening sessions which worked for me.

newstartforme · 07/09/2014 16:02

Hi may I join :-)
Been reading with interest .
I've got my first date tonight from someone I've meet in match ! Eek very nervous !
Any tips for me :-))

namechanger77 · 07/09/2014 16:11

Jumping in also. :) been lurking way too long

Joined POF last week, no photo as I do not want to be identifiable to ex dh.
I had one complete weirdo already I had to block, he actually scared me a little.
Had a nice text chat with a v v attractive shallow me man on Wednesday, but I text him today all chatty just saying how are you...nothing back. He was really nice too and local.

There are some who have messaged me and I have sent a photo over (to all I might be interested in) but it never gets further than a chat.

Newstart I bet you are nervous !

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 16:14

Before I might look into that, thanks. How did you find out about it?

new Hi. Don't drink too much and enjoy it! Wink What are you doing?

newstartforme · 07/09/2014 16:17

Hi lol no I def won't drink too much .. A couple should be acceptable though yes ?..
Omg I am nervous ...
We're having a meal ... Gulp

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 16:17

Have you suggested a date, namechanger? I wasn't on POF, but I was proactive both in contacting them and suggesting a date if I wanted one.

I chatted to some men I never met, but I met all the men I wanted to.

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 16:18

Oh a couple's fine, but you don't want to let your guard down and say or do something you might regret later... Just be careful Smile

namechanger77 · 07/09/2014 16:20

No I haven't...I am so new to this.
I will see if he ever replies to my text I sent today.

You all seem so lovely on this thread.

FolkGirl · 07/09/2014 16:24

I think we're generally a lot lovelier to each other than we ever are to ourselves... might just be speaking for myself there

namechanger77 · 07/09/2014 16:31

Folk You are too hard on yourself. I think I am not attractive (EA ex, thanks for that), I think everyone has issues though?